Powerless as I Face Radiation

The phone call I've been waiting for just came. All four of my doctors --- surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, and pathologist --- all are on the same page and no further surgery is required. No mastectomy (only 3 partial ones!) and no chemo. Thank you God! And since the report lists that there is "exuberant healing" occurring in the biopsy cavity, WELL that just means one thing to me----only God can do that! Thank you God for exuberant healing!

This part of my cancer journey is now history (I think :) and I move to the radiation stage in the morning. Can I just shout out loud to the good God I so adore that even in a few mishaps there were overwhelming Kindnesses from HIM. I'm so grateful to HIM for having made it to the place where I am in my heart of surrender in suffering. Our wills are so dead set against suffering yet my heart has taken me to places I would not go. I had to live in the present and deal with what was going on in my heart for the beautiful God I know that I know that I know was doing surgery on my heart and I thought it was on my body! He led me to use the pain to wrestle more passionately with the character and purposes of God. This life is not about us. It's all about HIM and fulfilling His purposes----why He has us here. I exist for Him. He so wants me fully. He does not exist for me and my world. While the surgery on my body is over; the surgery on my heart continues.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I begin radiation treatment. I went in on Monday for a simulation and was not prepared for what happened. I didn't think that the radiation treatments would be difficult for me as they simulated the event. It wasn't. It's impossible for me and what I deal with! My body quaked in the CT Scan and, then again, in the Radiation Room. As the 3-foot thick wall door was closed on me....and when they put the band around my legs to stabilize my spine in the CT Scan, flashbacks of childhood memories of horrific things flooded my mind and I cried out sobbing to our good God. Yes, there is much trauma in my life from what has been done to me but my God will carry me through even this. I don't know how! My good God offers me HOPE not RELIEF in the midst of my suffering. I'll wrestle to find that hope tomorrow morning and ask you to join me in praying that I will be more concerned about my unholiness than any anguish I suffer.

Will I grieve more over my flailing commitment to a majestic Christ than over whatever harsh and horrible treatments I will endure? That's the beat of my heart. Let my Great Physician have his full way in my heart and body. I've dealt with so much surreal fear in my life. He knows the way I take. Our wills are so set against suffering and we don't want our loved ones to suffer. But the reality of the heart living in reality pushes us into an awareness against our will of living in this present moment of suffering and that's so good. No denial. No relief. No one has ever walked in your shoes. No one knows what you have to face. God sees. He knows the way we take. We can trust Him---so what does that look like for me tomorrow?

This is the biggest battle for me. And I embrace this suffering surrendered in trepidation with eyes lifted to the Unseen. For those of you who don't struggle with fears like this, you probably wonder about this. All I know is that when they close that three-foot door on me tomorrow morning, my good God will be in that room with me whether I sense His Presence or not. He will be there. My Great Physician!

My faithful lifelong friend, Mindy, called me this morning when she heard about what I went through on Monday in the radiation simulation. She knows me better than almost anyone except my family. I'm sobbing as I write this. Her voice cracked as she wept and read to me: "Asa cried out to the LORD his God, 'O LORD, there is NO ONE LIKE YOU to help those who are powerless. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your Name, we will come against this.' " 2 Chron 14:11.

Radiation 8:30am Wednesday July 1st and every day for 7 weeks...