Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Powerless as I Face Radiation

The phone call I've been waiting for just came. All four of my doctors --- surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, and pathologist --- all are on the same page and no further surgery is required. No mastectomy (only 3 partial ones!) and no chemo. Thank you God! And since the report lists that there is "exuberant healing" occurring in the biopsy cavity, WELL that just means one thing to me----only God can do that! Thank you God for exuberant healing!

This part of my cancer journey is now history (I think :) and I move to the radiation stage in the morning. Can I just shout out loud to the good God I so adore that even in a few mishaps there were overwhelming Kindnesses from HIM. I'm so grateful to HIM for having made it to the place where I am in my heart of surrender in suffering. Our wills are so dead set against suffering yet my heart has taken me to places I would not go. I had to live in the present and deal with what was going on in my heart for the beautiful God I know that I know that I know was doing surgery on my heart and I thought it was on my body! He led me to use the pain to wrestle more passionately with the character and purposes of God. This life is not about us. It's all about HIM and fulfilling His purposes----why He has us here. I exist for Him. He so wants me fully. He does not exist for me and my world. While the surgery on my body is over; the surgery on my heart continues.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I begin radiation treatment. I went in on Monday for a simulation and was not prepared for what happened. I didn't think that the radiation treatments would be difficult for me as they simulated the event. It wasn't. It's impossible for me and what I deal with! My body quaked in the CT Scan and, then again, in the Radiation Room. As the 3-foot thick wall door was closed on me....and when they put the band around my legs to stabilize my spine in the CT Scan, flashbacks of childhood memories of horrific things flooded my mind and I cried out sobbing to our good God. Yes, there is much trauma in my life from what has been done to me but my God will carry me through even this. I don't know how! My good God offers me HOPE not RELIEF in the midst of my suffering. I'll wrestle to find that hope tomorrow morning and ask you to join me in praying that I will be more concerned about my unholiness than any anguish I suffer.

Will I grieve more over my flailing commitment to a majestic Christ than over whatever harsh and horrible treatments I will endure? That's the beat of my heart. Let my Great Physician have his full way in my heart and body. I've dealt with so much surreal fear in my life. He knows the way I take. Our wills are so set against suffering and we don't want our loved ones to suffer. But the reality of the heart living in reality pushes us into an awareness against our will of living in this present moment of suffering and that's so good. No denial. No relief. No one has ever walked in your shoes. No one knows what you have to face. God sees. He knows the way we take. We can trust Him---so what does that look like for me tomorrow?

This is the biggest battle for me. And I embrace this suffering surrendered in trepidation with eyes lifted to the Unseen. For those of you who don't struggle with fears like this, you probably wonder about this. All I know is that when they close that three-foot door on me tomorrow morning, my good God will be in that room with me whether I sense His Presence or not. He will be there. My Great Physician!

My faithful lifelong friend, Mindy, called me this morning when she heard about what I went through on Monday in the radiation simulation. She knows me better than almost anyone except my family. I'm sobbing as I write this. Her voice cracked as she wept and read to me: "Asa cried out to the LORD his God, 'O LORD, there is NO ONE LIKE YOU to help those who are powerless. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your Name, we will come against this.' " 2 Chron 14:11.

Radiation 8:30am Wednesday July 1st and every day for 7 weeks...


Toknowhim 6/30/2009  

Praising God with you about no more sugeries and no chemo, and especially the exuberant healing!!!!

You are beautiful, and you have challenged me so!!! To see you walk through this journey, and instead of focusing more on the external pains and sufferings that are real and you are enduring...you keep talking about what God wants to do with your heart... You are embracing Him, and what He wants for you even when it would be things you might not choose for yourself...

You are so right about suffering and that we are here for Him. I so know this in my head, but it is one that is hard to embrace...Thank you for posting your thoughts on this blog...You are blessing many.

Will keep praying for you... Love, Kim

boomama 6/30/2009  

Love you, Bev - there's not a doubt in my mind that God will use this time for His glory. I am praying for you!

Anonymous 6/30/2009  

Praise Him for exuberant healing!!
Praying for you tomorrow!

Anonymous 6/30/2009  

That was me praying for you. I don't know why it still said anon.
Kathleen in TX

Mary Lou 6/30/2009  

Bev, I agree with boomama, but I also think that He is already using you and this time in your life for His glory. Please get Bob or yourself to buy some aloe vera in a natural food store, because it needs to be 100 percent pure. It will help you to not burn. Even if you don't have it for tomorrow,please get it before Thursday. A friend used it and said she never had any burn from the radation. You have so blessed my heart with all that you have shared on this journey. He has used you to give me the desire to seek Him as you have. Praying for you. Lifting you to His throne. I pray you will feel His presence in an overwhelming way in the morning during the radiation. Blessings and love and prayers and hugs...Mary Lou

annie's eyes 6/30/2009  

Ex.23:25-31 "Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.
"I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

"I will establish your borders from the Red Sea to the Sea of the Philistines, and from the desert to the River. I will hand over to you the people who live in the land and you will drive them out before you."

Praying and claiming your peace in Christ tomorrow. Hugs, Annette


Hi Bev I will be praying for you tomorrow and I want to thank for sharing with us you have been an encouragement in my life I had to have a MRI on my ankle last week and that was scary for me but I know God was with me thru that even though my tendency was to try and hop out of there I kept repeating to myself ZEP 3:17 For the Lord your God is with you He is mighty to save He will take great delight in you and He will quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing.
Love your seista Carol in Albuq. NM

Karen 6/30/2009  

Praying tonight and tomorrow and everyday for the next 7 weeks. Let me know if the time changes from 8:30.


Nise' 6/30/2009  

Praising Him for the "exuberant healing". I will continue to pray for you during this treatment!

Amanda 6/30/2009  

Praying for exuberant peace to be all over you every time you go behind that doors. I pray you will know His presence there like it's the holy of holies.

Laura 6/30/2009  

Thank the Lord for exuberant healing! Praying for you, Bev.

Bobbie 6/30/2009  

Exuberant healing, along with no chemo is wonderful news! I'll be praying tomorrow morning that as they close the door that an even bigger Hand will 'take it from there' and hold you calmly during the proceedure.

God is definitely already using you for His glory! You're a true inspiration to many of us-keep on shining His light.


Mary Lou 7/01/2009  

Bev, He just gave me a verse for you. I pray you will be able to read it before you leave this morning. Deut31:8 the Lord is the one who WILL go ahead of you. He WILL be you. He WILL not not fail or forsake you. Do not fear or be discouraged.

Dee 7/01/2009  

SHOUT TO THE LORD! Bev, I am so humbled that it is hard to even write to you. Only God could connect hearts the way He has connected your heart to those of us in so many places who have never even met you. I praise God that you have trusted us with your most private pain. You have such an honest heart that ministers to our hearts and our vulnerabilites. Thank you, Sister, for your faithfulness. Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me , bless His Holy Name.
Love to you,

Yvette 7/01/2009  

And He will be with you for the treatments. He is with you always, right by your side, loving you.
Loving you too, Yvette

Tammy 7/01/2009  

Hi Bev,
I am a fellow Siesta over at the LPM blog. I saw your memory verse post and you starting radiation today. I just wanted you to know I am praying for you. God is your stronghold and I see Him in your words. I will be lifting you up in prayer each day.


HIS Child 7/01/2009  


He will be with you every step you take. You are and will continue to be in my prayers.

Much love,

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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