8:40am and 4:20pm ................................. A Double Dose of The Door

I walked a mile under sultry thunderclouds before my first day of radiation this morning. Listened over and over to Mercy Me's "Bring The Rain." Bring me Joy. Bring me Peace. Bring the chance to be Free. Bring me anything that brings you Glory. I know there will be days when life brings me pain and if that's what it takes: Jesus bring the Rain. And rain it did all over Austin and all over this little girl's heart as I faced my fears and traumas of days gone by and walked into that Radiation Room this morning. First, I had to have another CT Scan---you are kidding, right? I jumped on that CT scan table and said: "Let's embrace this fear and believe me---this is not about how strong I am."

As I passed the 2-foot walled Door to walk into the Radiation Room, I did sense the Presence of my very good God and his holiness. The Door freaked me out as it shut behind me. Alone. There is a sense that we walk alone with our God. He was there! It took about 15 minutes to take the x-rays and do the first radiation---- that seemed like an hour. The tech said "Close your eyes, really tight." My reply: "I'm even scared of the dark."

All I can say is that God has brought me to this place and He was good to me today even in my terror. I never dreamed I could even look at the 2-foot door but I actually patted it on the way out and said: "You have no power over me to wall me in." This experience is my new friend, James 1:3, and I count it joy to face this trial and ask my beautiful God to free me up in these fears that have gripped my life. No more! May I want His Glory more than my own comfort and sanity.

God was so good to me today. I sobbed as two techs rushed in to rescue me. I had already been rescued and was safe in His Hands. I'll have to take Radiation one day at a time. Tomorrow, July 2nd, is my son's birthday and I will choose to have two radiation treatments 8:40am and 4:20pm since they will be closed on Friday. I could have done just one. No, I will push through this and trust Him! I tried to go to a church staff luncheon after radiation this morning, and made it almost through. I turned to my husband and said: "you have to bring me home right now." I was so exhausted! And I went to sleep around 1pm and slept so sweetly for 4 hours. I cannot thank you enough for praying for me. This was one of the hardest days for me!

Happy Birthday to my precious boy, Britt. He will turn 18 tomorrow, July 2nd. He's at CONA this week, The Conference on National Affairs, with YMCA Youth & Government in Black Mountain, North Carolina having the time of his life. His proposal on Title IX Reform made it to 2nd committee. Woohoo!

Eighteen years ago, I lost three babies in one year. Two were ectopic pregnancies. The doctors said we could never get pregnant again after 7 years of infertility. The next month I became pregnant, my 4th pregnancy in one year, and it was another ectopic pregnancy. I begged the doctors to wait before they took this one. Had to stay close to a hospital cause you can literally bleed to death if they rupture. My friend, Kellie, asked me at our kindergarten class party if she could pray for me in the school hall. Kellie laid her hands on me and asked God to give this baby life. I felt heat come from her hands into my body. So surreal. I went back to my OB doctor the next day and asked for a sonogram to appease me cause we had prayed for this baby to move through the tubes. I'll never forget my OB's words as he scanned over the picture of what was inside of me. "Look at this heart beating. Your baby is safe. He is in no longer in the tubes." His name is Britt and he will be 18 tomorrow.

And the beat of Britt's heart is for his God whom he loves and wrestles with---a God that He is finding hopefully in places like Black Mountain and at his new home, Austin Texas. He has been the joy of my life as my older three left for college several years ago. Never complains. Loves life. Such a hard worker. And he honors this mom who prayed for him. I remember touching his long toes for the first time to see if he was really alive. So grateful to our amazing God for this little big miracle who has grown into a 6'4" frame of His power to save.

God is so working in my heart to free me up and help me live in this present moment. May I be much more concerned with my weak Christianity at times than over any harm that has been done to me. My God will never harm me---even this is for my good. He's a good God! Pray for a double dose of my good God tomorrow at 8:40am and again at 4:20pm. How in the world can I do it? IDK. All I know is that He helped me leap over that 2-foot thick door this morning. HE gave me Hope not Relief in the midst of all I carry in my heavy heart. Your prayers mean more to me than words I can find. I need Him so. Moment by Moment. Little by Little. Exodus 23:27-31.

As we celebrate our Independence Day, may we find our own freedom from fear and harm and life itself. Happy Fourth of July to you and your family. May you find a little more freedom in your heart, this weekend, than you have ever known.