Wednesday, July 1, 2009

8:40am and 4:20pm ................................. A Double Dose of The Door

I walked a mile under sultry thunderclouds before my first day of radiation this morning. Listened over and over to Mercy Me's "Bring The Rain." Bring me Joy. Bring me Peace. Bring the chance to be Free. Bring me anything that brings you Glory. I know there will be days when life brings me pain and if that's what it takes: Jesus bring the Rain. And rain it did all over Austin and all over this little girl's heart as I faced my fears and traumas of days gone by and walked into that Radiation Room this morning. First, I had to have another CT Scan---you are kidding, right? I jumped on that CT scan table and said: "Let's embrace this fear and believe me---this is not about how strong I am."

As I passed the 2-foot walled Door to walk into the Radiation Room, I did sense the Presence of my very good God and his holiness. The Door freaked me out as it shut behind me. Alone. There is a sense that we walk alone with our God. He was there! It took about 15 minutes to take the x-rays and do the first radiation---- that seemed like an hour. The tech said "Close your eyes, really tight." My reply: "I'm even scared of the dark."

All I can say is that God has brought me to this place and He was good to me today even in my terror. I never dreamed I could even look at the 2-foot door but I actually patted it on the way out and said: "You have no power over me to wall me in." This experience is my new friend, James 1:3, and I count it joy to face this trial and ask my beautiful God to free me up in these fears that have gripped my life. No more! May I want His Glory more than my own comfort and sanity.

God was so good to me today. I sobbed as two techs rushed in to rescue me. I had already been rescued and was safe in His Hands. I'll have to take Radiation one day at a time. Tomorrow, July 2nd, is my son's birthday and I will choose to have two radiation treatments 8:40am and 4:20pm since they will be closed on Friday. I could have done just one. No, I will push through this and trust Him! I tried to go to a church staff luncheon after radiation this morning, and made it almost through. I turned to my husband and said: "you have to bring me home right now." I was so exhausted! And I went to sleep around 1pm and slept so sweetly for 4 hours. I cannot thank you enough for praying for me. This was one of the hardest days for me!

Happy Birthday to my precious boy, Britt. He will turn 18 tomorrow, July 2nd. He's at CONA this week, The Conference on National Affairs, with YMCA Youth & Government in Black Mountain, North Carolina having the time of his life. His proposal on Title IX Reform made it to 2nd committee. Woohoo!

Eighteen years ago, I lost three babies in one year. Two were ectopic pregnancies. The doctors said we could never get pregnant again after 7 years of infertility. The next month I became pregnant, my 4th pregnancy in one year, and it was another ectopic pregnancy. I begged the doctors to wait before they took this one. Had to stay close to a hospital cause you can literally bleed to death if they rupture. My friend, Kellie, asked me at our kindergarten class party if she could pray for me in the school hall. Kellie laid her hands on me and asked God to give this baby life. I felt heat come from her hands into my body. So surreal. I went back to my OB doctor the next day and asked for a sonogram to appease me cause we had prayed for this baby to move through the tubes. I'll never forget my OB's words as he scanned over the picture of what was inside of me. "Look at this heart beating. Your baby is safe. He is in no longer in the tubes." His name is Britt and he will be 18 tomorrow.

And the beat of Britt's heart is for his God whom he loves and wrestles with---a God that He is finding hopefully in places like Black Mountain and at his new home, Austin Texas. He has been the joy of my life as my older three left for college several years ago. Never complains. Loves life. Such a hard worker. And he honors this mom who prayed for him. I remember touching his long toes for the first time to see if he was really alive. So grateful to our amazing God for this little big miracle who has grown into a 6'4" frame of His power to save.

God is so working in my heart to free me up and help me live in this present moment. May I be much more concerned with my weak Christianity at times than over any harm that has been done to me. My God will never harm me---even this is for my good. He's a good God! Pray for a double dose of my good God tomorrow at 8:40am and again at 4:20pm. How in the world can I do it? IDK. All I know is that He helped me leap over that 2-foot thick door this morning. HE gave me Hope not Relief in the midst of all I carry in my heavy heart. Your prayers mean more to me than words I can find. I need Him so. Moment by Moment. Little by Little. Exodus 23:27-31.

As we celebrate our Independence Day, may we find our own freedom from fear and harm and life itself. Happy Fourth of July to you and your family. May you find a little more freedom in your heart, this weekend, than you have ever known.

16 comments:

boomama 7/01/2009  

Sweet Bev -

These words just popped in my head: "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er, Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more."

Love you!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 7/01/2009  

Bev,

What a beautiful post...Your words are so honest. I know the rage of fear. I pray that tomorrow is so much easier.

Love you,
Teresa

Rhonda 7/02/2009  

Thank you for being so honest. You are right, those doors have no power over you. They can not make you captive because you serve the one who came to set the captives free! Happy Birthday to Britt and have a wonderful 4th!

Sheryl 7/02/2009  

Oh my sister, I am praying for you. May God's peace be showered on you.

From my heart,

Sheryl

Mary Lou 7/02/2009  

Bev, I want you to know that He is using you in my life big time. He is using your example to help me free me from different things in my life. How I praise His name. Happy Birthday to Britt...my oldest ones b'day is tomorrow..due on the fourth came at 11:04 pm...a very special girl to me. I have prayed for you last night and this morning about the double dose. Take care of yourself and don't push yourself too much. The radiation will zap you but not all of time.He reminded me this verse was for you too, He had given it to me a long time ago..picture the Good Shepherd with you draped across His shoulders....Deut.33:12...May the beloved of the Lord dwell in security by HIm, Who shields him all the day. And he dwells between His shoulders. I have a Hummel that says this verse to me over and over....it is one of my stones of remembrance. He is carrying you and will NEVER drop you. Praying as I know you are going into radiation in the next few minutes...love and prayers..Mary Lou

kathleen in TX 7/02/2009  

Bev,
Praying for you right now since you are undergoing treatment. Praying for His comfort and healing. Happy Birthday to Britt-! What amazing testimony of God's answers to prayer!

Cindie 7/02/2009  

Praying for you sweet sister in Christ. I also have asked all of the gals in my Bible Study to pray for you. God is using you in a mighty way and I know that He will heal you.

annie's eyes 7/03/2009  

You are probably picking up Britt about now. I am praying for you, dear one, as you walk through the darkness. In Him, there is no darkness at all, and that is where He is taking you--away from the dark places that have haunted you. He loves you too much to leave you there. He has big plans for you, Bev. Hold on tightly to Him. I wish that miracle boy of yours a very happy birthday and hope you get to celebrate today with him! It is so sweet to see how much joy he brings you. I know you are proud of him. I will talk with you today. Love, Annette

Shonda 7/03/2009  

Hey Bev! Stopping by to say Hi. I miss you and I know God has hold of you and wont let you go! You have such tremendous faith and I find so much encouragement from reading your posts.

Happy Birthday to Britt! Thanks for sharing about his miracle start.

I'm praying for you!
Lots of love--
Shonda

connorcolesmom 7/03/2009  

Bev,
You are such a treasure !
Everytime I come over here I am the one who feels encouraged and am reminded of God's love for us!
You have such an impact on my life and I love you so!
I will continue to pray you through this radiation!
May God be praised for the mighty works He is doing in your life
And the story of Britt's beginnings just gives me tears of JOY!
What a miracle!
Happy Birthday to that sweet boy of yours :)
Much love
Kim

valerie 7/06/2009  

What a precious post! It made my eyes well up with tears.
Happy Birthday Britt!
Continuing to pray for you, Bev.
Love,
Valerie (in Oklahoma)

Lee Beth 7/06/2009  

Hello. Just checking out new blogs and I really like yours. Feel free to come check out mine if you'd like. Beautiful writing you've got here too.

Jean 7/07/2009  

Hey, Bev, I was hoping for some news about you this morning and tried your blog and lo and behold, it "almost" came right up!!! I'm so happy to be caught up on how you are doing. I hope you were ok over the weekend.....I don't know, a double dose on Friday sounds like an awful lot to put your sweet body through, but I'm sure God carried you. I love you and think about you a lot.
Love, Jean

Lauren and Brice 7/07/2009  

Bev,

We are praying for you. You are an inspiration. Love you and your family.

The Heltons

Sharon Brumfield 7/08/2009  

Girl you just continue to touch my heart....our God is being glorified through your journey. Thank you for your heart for the Lord..thank you for lifting Him high.
I pray that He continues to strengthen your frame. That you KNOW He is ever present. That the same heat you felt that day in the school hall invades your body and you realize the power of the most high has come over you.
Your testimony is beautiful girl!
Praying

Laura 7/08/2009  

Bev, YOu are so brave, lady! I am very proud of you. You are whipping that CT scan! Yay!

What an amazing story about Britt. I am speechless at the goodness of God. YOu have a little 18 year old miracle, friend.

Happy birthday, Britt.

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
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I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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