Wednesday, July 8, 2009

8:40 AM - Safe in The Shadow

Groping for the light switch in the radiation prep room, I decided to pull the string. It was a shrieking strobe alarm that blasted into the darkness. Doctors and nurses came running. Week #2 started off with a stir. Tackling cancer diagnosis and treatments sometimes makes you feel like a junior college transfer student heading to an ivy league school.

I met with my radiation oncologist today to discuss the radiation treatments. I trust this guy with my life---I trust my God with my life. My radiation oncologist said to me that not having a 4th surgery was risky and he was going to make up for it by adding additional radiation treatments. He was stuck between the opinions of my other oncologists. "Caught in the middle." "Risky" was not the word I was hoping to hear today. You realize, in the still of the night, that we are all in His Hands.

Every morning, I jog about a mile or two or three around 6:30am and ask God what He is saying to me in all of this. He is "emptying spaces in my heart that I have filled up with myself" and other stuff. Detaching me from dependence on any source of Joy other than Him. Walking into the Radiation Room is a good thing for me to face. Embrace the suffering of cancer. It's not about finding relief from this Providential suffering. It's all about finding God in the midst. He is so showing up for me. Not because I am so strong. Quite the contrary. My body quakes when they put me through the treatment. I walk in to face this machine sobbing and walk out sobbing even harder. Then it's over for the day. Sometimes 8:40AM passes faster than others---not Wednesdays though. They need a new X-ray every Wednesday. I panicked about half way through this morning yet God so helped me push through. That's all I can say. "Be my Shepherd, carry me forever." Psalm 28:9. He is carrying me through this.

Every evening, I ask my beautiful God to give me His Word to face a new day. Not to claim a verse so everything will be okay... but to meet my God there, the Living Word. I don't want to use HIM to give me power and strength and victory and go on my way. I want to fall forward and find a rest, a peace in these circumstances that doesn't come from relief but relationship.

I read 2 Cor 1:9 where Paul talked about how he despaired of his life because of all the circumstances that happened to him. But Paul wrote that his experiences made him rely not on himself and how strong and positive he could be. What happened to him made him depend on a God Who raises the dead. That verse so spoke to me. What does it look like to depend on God's strength and not my own? Does it mean you just keep your mouth shut? Does it mean the absence of temptation? Does it mean I'll walk without fear? Does it mean I will find relief in all my problems? I don't think it means any of that. Not if I am living in the present moment and facing what is really in my heart. "Though the mountains shake and the hills be removed, My Unfailing Love will not be shaken. My Covenant of Peace to you will not be removed," says the God we so love and adore. The God Who has compassion on me and you.

I am finding a peace I know not. A rest I've not entered before. Small seismic shifts. A little more solid while a lot of chaos as traumas of my past enter my heart and overwhelm me in that machine where I am all alone behind massive sealed doors. But no, I'm never alone. I knew there was no one in the waiting room praying for me today, no one waiting for me. My car was broken and I had to be dropped off so my son could get to where he needed to be. God used that expereince to draw me closer. I had set up to listen to Paul Baloche during the treatment, but instead Darlene Zsech came on singing "He Has Made Me Glad." My Shield. My Strength. My Portion. My Deliverer. My Shelter. Strong Tower. A Very Present Help in Time of Need.

8:40AM Monday through Fridays. I am in a machine that I want to welcome as my friend where I face my fears and embrace the Providential suffering that my God is using to wake me up. 6 down and 31 to go and that makes me quiver---how will I make it? But it's a place where I am hidden in that Radiation Room and covered by His Hand. And I don't know how. But He is giving me courage to live my life truthfully and deal with my feelings of failure rising up. "I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the shadow of My Hand." Isaiah 51;16.
If you remember around 8:40AM any day of the week, would you say a prayer for me that God keeps me safe in that Shadow. Love to each of you! Bev

Written at: 4:05:06 on 07.08.09

14 comments:

Holly 7/08/2009  

Ahh, now I get it! How are you? I love you and am praying for you, friend.

Mary Lou 7/09/2009  

Yes, I will pray. I have prayed for you every day, not realizing that you would receive the treatment at the same time each day. What a beautiful post. I am gleaning from what you are learning You are so honoring and glorifying Him. God is keeping you safe in that Shadow. love you...hugs...Mary Lou

annie's eyes 7/09/2009  

Not any day--every day, I pray. It is 8:36 and I pray for Bev. I so want to come and make it easier, but God has called you to this to abide in Him. You do just that. He wouldn't tell us 365 time to "fear not" if He didn't know us so well. We fear, but we have an Advocate, a Shield, a Strong Tower in Him. That song is a beautiful one to claim over yourself in the shelter of Truth and safety of His Shadow. I've had a couple of dr appts this week already, but I am praying for you this Thursday morning as you are at the hospital. I love you and know each day is a victory, and brings you closer to your healing. Love you, Annette

Bobbie 7/09/2009  

'Your Shield. Your Strength. Your Portion. Your Deliverer. Your Shelter. Strong Tower. Your Very Present Help in Time of Need'! Bev, you're amazing...your faith is a perfect example of how we should rely on our perfect God.

I opened your blog at 8:34(!)this morning and am happy to know that I can pray for you at the same time each morning! May you feel that safety and peace each day.

Love and blessings, Bobbie

Holly 7/09/2009  

Love that song...love your heart and reading it and hearing His life-giving Word over you, friend.

Praying for you daily as I kneel in the waiting room across the miles.

twinkle 7/09/2009  

I've been going through my own crisis and it has really taken a toll on me physically, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, I am just going through the motions. Emotionally, I am battling a huge mountain. Spiritually, aaahh... That area is being showered with God's Grace. He is pouring out His Grace all over me! I've listened to the final sessions of the Esther Bible study by Beth Moore, played Travis' live worship cd over and over, and just finished up the Mary of Bethany cd study by Beth Moore. Spiritually, my cup runneth over. I have my hand on the plow and I am plowing through some unplanted ground in my heart. God will plant His seeds and a harvest will come. May God bless you through this desperate time and may your cup runneth over.
Physically, this is too much for us.
Emotionally, we are hopeless.
But spiritually, we are moving forward in Christ.
Our God is Wonderful.
Made Me Glad was one of my favorite songs Travis sang at The Siesta Fiesta. It's on one of his cds. I just love it.
You will definitely be in my prayers, sweet sister.

You are on a path of healing.

Love and grace be with you.

lisasmith 7/09/2009  

Bev--You are so prayed for tonight. May he keep you in the night. May he make your sleep sweet, my friend.

You are such a beautiful picture of his grace. I pray he makes you a beautiful picture os his healing. lisa

Anonymous 7/10/2009  

Precious Bev,
While you are sitting in the radiation room this morning, I am lifting you up before the throne of GRACE. Father God, I ask that at this very moment, You continue Your work in Bev's heart, in her body, in her mind, in her soul. You are a GOOD God. We choose to trust You. And I look forward to anticipation to continuing to watch You use a frail vessel to pour out Your glory on the nations.
In JESUS mighty name. Amen.

Love you, Bev!
Kristen from Fort Worth

Rhonda 7/10/2009  

I echo them that I will pray. It would be my honor!

Sharon Brumfield 7/11/2009  

It is pouring forth my friend. Just like Moses after he left the presence of God carried in his face the glow of God's glory......your words and life are evidence that you have spent time with the Father one on one.
There are deep nuggets of truth in your posts. I love this one--
"I don't want to use HIM to give me power and strength and victory and go on my way. I want to fall forward and find a rest, a peace in these circumstances that doesn't come from relief but relationship."

I don't know that anyone can truly grasp that truth unless you have had to walk through the deep.
Thank you for your words....they touch my heart and spark something in me. Iron on Iron.

I will pray....you are on my mind and heart often.

Matt & Paige 7/11/2009  

Bev,
I will be praying for you each day. I pray for his hand to cover you, his spirit to fill you. Even as you face the fear, I ask that his rod and staff comfort you.
Matt

Anonymous 7/11/2009  

Adding my prayers for you Bev.

Nate

kathleen in TX 7/11/2009  

Praying for you Bev! May Hashem comfort you with His presence, with healing in His wings.

Kathleen

Lena 7/16/2009  

Bev,

I was inspired by your writing. I'm going through a time of transition in my life, and outwardly I feel disappointed and bewildered by circumstances. But I've been holding onto God's Word, knowing that, despite what it looks like, His love, mercy, and grace are fully functioning on my behalf. God is Awesome!!! I'm happy to meet a sister in the Lord.

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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