Sunday, July 26, 2009

Let the weak say, I am a warrior

Brooke is back. So grateful to our good God for giving her the best three years in Chiang-Mai Thailand. Jamie introduced Brooke to a world far away and a great God Who was so present for her there. Brooke sacrificed much to go, but received way more! And she left a big part of her heart there. Being with her this weekend has brought me great joy, way down deep. She's a Texan once again. My girl's back!

I thought Thursday was the worst radiation treatment ever but, no, Friday afternoon was indescribably horrific for me. I cry even writing this. I want to pretend nothing anymore. I panicked while in the machine and I don't know why. But I knew if I screamed, I would have to start over again. And if I moved, the radiation beam would radiate the wrong place. I lay silently still suffering. Maybe it's my own fault. All I know is this. God continues to expose areas in my heart and what is really happening inside of me as I lay it down before HIM to Whom we all give account.

I fear that moments like that is intolerable, simply overpowering. And I can't put it back together again either. Only the Great Physician can hold me together and sew me back with his surgery knife in His Hand. He can repair me and empower me to move back into my world, even powerless, to face and embrace what is happening inside of me as I lay still. One day, there will be no more tears. But this day, there are many.

But more than that physical stillness, as I lay still in my heart, I realize that nothing I can do will help me to recover the good life like it was in the Garden of Eden. I feel how desperately I long for God to let me find Him on that radiation table. And with a longing beyond words like in Romans 8:26, we all groan for Him. In that moment, I was afraid to look up for I wanted Him to leave me alone and make the panic stop but at the same second, I hoped against hope that HE would move and have mercy on me. It was a terrifying beyond imagination few minutes.

The therapists are aware when I'm really struggling as they see the tears spilling out of tightly closed eyes as they watch me on their video cam on the other side of the two-foot thick door. They bolted in to grab me and watch me sob. Paula kept saying over and over---"What can I do for you?" Nothing. And it's over...and a peace came over me as I exited the Friday afternoon machine that I can't explain. Always does, the minute I am out of it. The frantic pressure to handle a panic attack is relieved for I can't even do that--- and I am reduced to wanting my God more than ever whether in the machine or out---there is such Hope within me.

And my God began to speak to my heart. He spoke to me through the story of Gideon. Gideon was reduced to panic and fear yet God called him out of it. Brooke saw her mom's tears and looked with such compassion as we walked out. The battery was dead in our borrowed car so we had to wait a while for a "jump" and it was really okay. My car has been in the shop for 5 weeks now---can't seem to fix it. It's okay. God is doing a deep work in my life.

I read and re-read this weekend the story of Gideon in Judges 6: 12-24. "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valour." And God said those words to a fearful, hiding Gideon, working hard to gather up food, and make his life bearable. Gideon's response is priceless for our day: If God is with with us, then why is all this stuff happening to me? We measure a good life by what? If everything is going smoothly and our family cooperating with God and our success in our ministry? "Peace be with you Gideon, do not fear." My peace comes from God not from the resolution of my problems. I have a tingling passion of anticipation that I will find Him again this week at 8:40am. He's a good God and I'm learning so much about myself and life. Still scared but surrendered. If you think about me at 8:40am---I have 3 more weeks to go in the machine. 4 weeks down. Joel 3:10 - "Let the weak say, I am a warrior." I'm in a battle and I won't give up. Be still and know that I am God!

20 comments:

Rhonda 7/27/2009  

Heard Bethie say one time on Life Today that the word for valor in Gideon is the same word for virtuous in Proverbs 31. I am probbaly spelling them both wrong, but you get the point. Will be praying for you today. For anxieties and fears to be washed away by the blood and love of Christ Jesus. That when those eyes are closed tight, the Lord will grant you visions of His splendor and glory. That while you hear the sound of the machine or the room, He would replace it with the sound of His voice and His words. May scripture and song and praise fill every crevice of your mind and body. Just spell checked and I am good to go. Be blessed today.

Angela 7/27/2009  

It's 8:38 Miss Bev, and the prayers are coming your way for peace and confidence in our Great God to do His work in you. I imagine that all of those drs and nurses and techs are getting a good dose of Jesus as they watch you day in and day out! Thank you for proclaiming the gospel with your life in the midst of the tough stuff!

Mary Lou 7/27/2009  

Once again your words and thoughts have shouted Jesus to me. Your transparency is so life giving to me. Whatever I am going thru, have gone thru or will go thru, your testimony will ring thru my heart and I will say that I know how Bev dealt with her life, that is The way to do it. Look to Jesus and hold on with all you have. How you bless me. May He bless you exceedingly, abundantly beyond anything you or I could imagine today as you face this battle in the radiation machine. Praying for you often. Prayers and hugs...Mary Lou

Catherine 7/27/2009  

As a dedicated lurker, I appreciate your faith and your dedication to work through your pain and fears trusting in God alone. But girl, anti-anxiety medications exist, and perhaps taking one before your treatments might be one way to handle the torture this is for you. As an abuse survivor, I completely feel for you. Please consider some medication, assuming that the doctor approves, to make this treatment less agonizing.

Anonymous 7/27/2009  

YOU ARE A MIGHTY WOMAN OF VALOR!!! Praying that He will let you see yourself as a warrior princess---his precious daughter, his valiant fighter! YOU ARE HIS WARRIOR PRINCESS!!
Much love and prayer from Fort Worth,
Kristen

Kam 7/27/2009  

Hi Bev, my name is Kam and I "stumbled" upon your blog tonight b/c I googled the name of our soon to be son's orphanage in Thailand. I have to tell you, I've just spent the better part of an hour scouring through your blog and reading your story.

My husband of 12.5 years is a youth/college pastor. We lived in FW for 3 years while he attended SWBTS. We had an exceptional experience there. We now serve north of ATL in Canton, Ga {50 miles from my hometown}.

We have two daughters by birth {Kennedy 9, Sydney 6} and are told we will finally travel to Thailand in September to bring home our 3 year old son, Joel. We are thrilled and humbled by God's goodness in our lives.

I am encouraged by your testimony. My great friend and Pastor's wife {growing up} was diagnosed with breast cancer Christmas '07. She had a double mastectomy last Fall and even walked the Susan G. Komen 3 Day with 30 of us in October. She is doing well and has had reconstruction. I pray you are well today.

I have so enjoyed reading your story. If you would like a peek into ours, you can email me at jasekamroberts@windstream.net as our blog is private to protect our son and abide by the orphanage/govt wishes. Also, I saw that you were asking for a blog makeover last Christmas...my hubs and I are always changing ours. I've helped friends with this before if you'd like to change yours. I think it's so pretty though. It's just a hobby for us. Not a business.

Well, this is so long. Sorry about that. Just really appreciate your heart and love the Jesus in you.
Blessings,
Kam

annie's eyes 7/27/2009  

There's a Gideon in all of us, and God's response--He speaks to the man that He knows Gideon will become, not who he is--a mighty man of valor. Timid, weak Gideon has valor and might in God's eyes. That encourages weak, timid me so much. "Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of the Lord." You open your heart so sweetly to let Christ do His work within you. I'm praying for your 8:40s. Love, Annette

twinkle 7/30/2009  

I love you.
With a Winnie-the-Pooh kind of simple love.
Just sitting with you kind of love.
Just dangling our feet in the cool stream kind of love.
Just laying back and watching the clouds drift past kind of love.
Just listening to the hum of a bumble-bee kind of love.

Thought you might need a little Pooh quote...

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,"
said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"

"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.

"What do you say, Piglet?"

"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully.

"It's the same thing," he said.

*****

It may seem scary right now, Bev...but your experience is very exciting and I know that God is writing such a blessed story in HIStory of your life. Love you much.

Deborah

CAROL LIVIN FOR GOD 7/30/2009  

Hi Bev this is your seista in Albuq.NM God is using you in a mighty way for us seista's I know I am encourage by you, you bless my heart. Hang in there girl Our God is Mighty And you my friend are His warrior you are a mighty woman of valour Beth had said that to us in 2007 in Albuquerque Nm in a conference here. Stay strong you are in my prayers. Lord be with Bev each day as she goes thru this radaition treatments Lord guard her mind give her thoughts of you and only you wash over her encourage send her lots of love. Heal her Lord these things we ask in your Precious Mighty Name Amen
Love to you Bev a seista in Albuquerque Nm Carol

marina 7/30/2009  

"do not be anixous about everything , but in everthing present your request to God and the peace of God which transends all understanding will gurad your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" niv philp'46

those who trust in the Lord will never be let down.hugs marina

AbbyLane 7/30/2009  

this is wild...hadn't read this post until now, but thanked God in my journal at the coffee shop today for the presence of such a WARRIOR (YOU) in my life. though we may not understand why things like this are allowed to happen, your journey and willingness to share it with us has been nearly the biggest blessing in my life to date. i can't tell you the ways your wrestling with our good God has encouraged me in my own wrestling with Him on matters so completely separate and different from yours, yet somehow connected on a heart level because of Him.

i love you sister. coming there as soon as i can work it out :)

Shonda 8/01/2009  

Bev, your trust & faith in our Lord beams through the computer screen. You are strong and can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! You are a mighty warrior and I trust you will press through! You are more than a conqueror! Because Jesus lives in you, you are an overcomer! Be bold, be strong for the Lord your God is with you. Never will He leave you, Never will he forsake you. He holds you in the hollow of His hand. I love you my friend. I'm praying for you!
Shonda

Sharon Brumfield 8/02/2009  

If I tell you that my toes got majorly stomped on today....will you understand?
It is a good thing....a God thing.
I am praying for you....will continue to pray for you....and thank God for you.
You touch my heart in ways that you will never know.
I have been missing...conferences, family in town.
I am so glad your girl is back....God knows just what we need. He is so loving in His care.
Praying for you and your sweet man.

I know you can't see it...but from here I am witnessing the story of a mighty warrior. Keep those feet planted.
Love you sister

Rhonda 8/03/2009  

Hey Bev! Just thinking about you tonight wondering how you are doing. Still praying:)

TJ 8/03/2009  

Bev, My prayers are with you from across the ocean. I am glad that Brooke is home safely and will be excited to hear what God has for her next. Blessings and God's presences be with you.

Sheryl 8/04/2009  

My heart is full. I cannot imagine all you are going through on this lifepath God has chosen for you. Someone sent me a devotion by Oswald Chambers. It said something about our goal being the finish--but God's goal is the journey.

Stay close to our LORD, mighty warrior. Remember, it is God's might that makes you strong.

Sheryl

Ang baylis 8/05/2009  

You're on my heart tonight, Bev! Just wanted you to know.
Love,
Angie xoxo

chewymama 8/06/2009  

We can see Jesus in you even through words on a screen - He is doing a mighty work in you! I loved this...

My peace comes from God not from the resolution of my problems.

So true. Such a sweet reminder to be humbled before the King and not anxious to fix things ourselves. I need that reminder, thank you!

Rachel Loth

twinkle 8/08/2009  

Just stopping by with a warm cup of tea in a delicate porcelain tea cup WITH a saucer!
Thought we could sip this warm honey-lemon tea and nibble on a tiny petit four. Mine has a lavender rosebud on top and yours has a yellow-centered white daisy!
Has anyone told you today how beautiful you are? You are, you know. God wanted me to tell you that He thinks your beauty is unsurpasseable. Thank you for the time sipping tea and focusing on our Good God. May He bless you with an Esther beauty for such a time as this you are going through. (((Hugs))) and ^^^prayers^^^ lifted up for you today.

Here's a tiny treasure I found this morning that reminds me of how much Jesus loves us and is concerned for us:

"And Mordecai walked every day before the court of the women's house, to know how Esther did, and what should become of her." Esther 2:11

That's how much Jesus loves you, Bev.

Profbaugh 8/09/2009  

Bev,

You've been so close to my heart during all this. I know first hand how panic feels. And I've gotta add that you're one strong woman. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. You're a walking testament to God's love and strength in action.

Much love,
~Cheryl

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home
"Whoever welcomes a little child in My Name, welcomes Me." Matthew 18:5 We have posted pictures of the orphans receiving their gifts from you. Scroll down to the post entitled "Today Was the Big Day." Many orphans didn't own anything of their own, but now do, because of you.

My Family

My Family
Britt, Blair, Bev, Bob, Brooke, Barrett

Contact

I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

Followers

My Blog List

Search This Blog

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed

Site Meter

Especially Designed for Bev by

Photobucket

  © Free Blogger Templates 'Photoblog II' by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008