"I Am Unworthy"

I was sobbing for hours in the darkness hoping for some breakthrough. Never came. Evidence of a new morning slipped into my somber mood. I was reading the Book of Job. I made it to chapter 37 and so wondered what God was saying to me. I decided to try to slip out of bed into the stillness of the night and listen to the last four chapters on my iPod and walk, waiting for the break of dawn. I moved my weary body slowly, methodically, soaking up a sunrise no one had ever seen before. I could only walk at a snail's pace and I listened with every ounce of attention to the reply that God gave to Job and his friends in those last four chapters. I was deeply touched by Job 40:4 "I am unworthy. I put my hand over my mouth. I have no answer." It was such a low point. My body was wrecked from the anesthesia as well as a parasite that has been playing havoc with my gi tract since June 3rd. I've lost eight more pounds. But more than that my trusting heart was in a body that was on overdrive and I couldn't slow it down.

Anesthesia went so well for the first two surgeries. What happened? Not so for the third surgery on Friday. It was supposed to be the least invasive surgery. But, I had a new anesthesiologist with a different philosophy. I think he over-medicated me. From the moment I awakened, I began crying out that I felt like I was dying. Can't begin to tell you how badly I have felt all weekend. Extreme exhaustion where I couldn't even get up. Excessive depression that made me feel like I was so unloved. I struggle with that anyway, but this was unreal. My worst fear of anesthesia came true. And I listened hard to those last four chapters of Job. What are you saying to me God?

My friend JoAnn, the nurse, called and encouraged me to attend her breast cancer support group at noon today---she thought God wanted me there. Oh dear! When I went to church yesterday so longing to praise the God I just adore, I began sobbing as the bass of the music went through me and I thought everyone was screaming at me. I sang Praise Adonai and wondered how I could feel so shaken. I haven't even been able to get up out of bed hardly for four days now until this morning's brief walk that did me in. Can't go, JoAnn. She wouldn't take "no" for an answer. "I'll be your nurse and take care of you, Bev!" Maybe it would be good to get out---I'm gonna feel bad here or there. I had no idea what God would hold for me there.

I sat next to an M.D. and shared my horrendous anesthesia experience with her. She unraveled for me a mystery about my body that gave me courage. I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago when I was separated from treasured friendships I loved then and still do. There are certain drugs you just don't take with PTSD and no one had ever told me that before. It was the exact IV anesthesia and sleep meds that had been given to me. That was why I haven't been able to sleep for three nights, they had made me feel even weirder, so hostile and horrific, such disturbed sleep. That meeting with this doctor was a divine intervention for me that gave me hope that all this anesthesia will continue to wear off. And I will continue to trust God, no matter what. No matter how I feel. It's difficult enough dealing with cancer and so wanting to move on. I will wrestle with our good God to find a rest I know not. I don't know what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow afternoon I will find out if my margins are clear. I am camping in Luke 18---the persistent widow who wants always to pray and not lose heart. I know that I am greatly loved and I'll keep pushing through to love others more than I want to be loved by them. I don't want to live demanding that people treat me a certain way. All I can say is that God is showing up. While I still have very little reserves in my physical body tonight, I believe that God is meeting me in my weaknesses. And I am so humbled that he would arrange an unscheduled free doctor's consult for me this day that unraveled a little more about me.

Seems like people have to have answers in life for things too wonderful. We try to reduce the mystery of this life to "steps" to take to find freedom. All I'm saying is that He is teaching me to live in this present moment of what is really happening in my heart and surrendering to Him, not living for answers but living for his honor. And HE will unwind and unravel and undo all that has been done that's not of Him. I will long remember this day.