Seems to me like the past 12 weeks all comes down to this very day. It's the day we finalize the decision to go the chemo route first, or start radiation on Monday. My surgeon released me. She was not able to completely remove all of the DCIS cancer. It is to my chest wall. No further surgery of any kind can remove that. The surgical pathology report noted that the surgical specimen has positive margins, focally positive for DCIS in all margins. That's the surgical medical diagnosis.
All of the above is just information as my good friend Kathryn says. I am safe, no matter what, in the hands of an Invisible, sometimes Silent, Good and Loving God.
I will see my medical oncologist today to finalize chemo and/or radiation. It's a hazy gray area which way to go. Mathematically, the incremental benefit of taking chemo increases my survival rate by 4%. Only four women out of 100 would benefit from taking chemo.
You know, I believed that after the first surgery, my good surgeon would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the second surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the third surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. It didn't happen. So what do I do with that? Some think it's your faith or lack of it. Some think it's the way you handle your problems.
We all have different theologies. I do know this. I am a little more stable, a little more stronger in the LORD, and in love with Him a little more, even after going through a horrendous experience for four days this past weekend where my body violently reacted to the anesthesia. And not being able to sleep longer than a couple of hours each night of this week. It was trauma for me. PTSS is what they say. But my mind is very clear this morning even though my body still is not cooperating. I know Whom I have believed in and I am CONVINCED that He is able to keep me until that day. And no one knows what day that is. I am kept by a Mighty Present God. HE meets us in our weakness. It's my theology of weakness and I hold to it. His Strength is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Cor 12:9. I asked for Him to take away the cancer by surgery and He didn't. I believe He still will and the door of healing is always open. I depend on Him whether I feel like He is listening or I am overwhelmed with sensing His Presence. Both happens to me.
So, I'll end with a silly story on this weighty friday. I drove into the hospital parking lot yesterday and stopped to ask the attendant how much the parking was to make sure I had enough in my wallet. This older gentleman looked me straight in the eyes and said: "FREE. It's free for senior citizens." Ha. I guess my pony tail and blue jeans didn't convince him that I might be in any other category. And yes I am a member of AARP. I got a good laugh out of it, though. I'll post again on Monday and tell you where I am---in a chemo chair or under a beam of radiation.
To have friends walk alongside of me during this difficult time means much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, your comments, your support, your cards, your love! HE is lifting up my head!