Mustard Seeds

I was walking around Dillard's asking, knocking, and seeking in my heart for the God I so love to show up and speak to me. I've just spent the most horrific four days sedated from anesthesia, paralyzed in fear, frozen in a tiny apartment. Crying out to God! The pieces began to fall in place today that I was over-medicated for a fifteen minute procedure or so I perceive. If you've ever had a PTSD diagnosis, then you know the nightmare when your mind is messed with. I'm not medical but I am asking a whole lot of questions about what went wrong with the anesthesia. I was a mess, but make no mistake, I am one glorious mess! A God Who keeps me together. No matter what, God's arm is never too short and His Hand was still on me, covering me, giving me breath. I thought about deleting my last post, but I think you know it was written while I was very upset and bewildered.

It took four days for the anesthesia to finally clear. So, I'm very slowly walking around Dillard's today waiting for the phone call from the surgeon with the news of Friday's pathology report. We're still pretty new to Austin and I've only been to this mall like twice. Never expected to see anyone I knew. I barely recognized this lady who approached me---I had met her at a luncheon. She told me that she should be home packing for an out-of-town trip, but wondered if God had sent her to the mall to meet up with me. She said God had been telling her for the past 24 hours that she needed to call me and tell me that all I needed is faith as big as a mustard seed. And God wanted me to tell you that you've got more faith than a seed in you. Now I don't know about God telling people other things to show up and tell people at a mall....HOWEVER...it was as though God was standing right there for me enveloping me in His arms. I was desperate. I mean, I had just been asking Him for help with what I had been through the past four days and how I could handle the expected phone call with His strength---the phone call that would ring within a few minutes spilling out news if my body still has cancer cells that remain. And there He was, God met me at Dillard's.

And my cell rang....it was my surgeon with the news of the surgical pathology report.
My margins were clear on the last cancerous tumor excised. But! Yes, they found cancer cells at the chest wall, BUT radiation will get those. And, you do not need any further surgery. No mastectomy. Surgery is finished. That's all.
I blurted out HALLELUJAH. And the doctor said it right back to me.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou God is all I could keep saying as I hung up the phone. I called Bob first then drove to the park and fell to my knees as cars whizzed by and I just kept saying thank you over and over again to Him I don't have to face a fourth surgery at this time. I didn't care who was watching. I was one happy girl!

My appointment with the surgeon is at 10:15am tomorrow, and I will find out the rest of the story because she wasn't pleased with the interpretation of the pathology report and has asked for clarification from the pathologist. So things could change. I'm reservedly ecstatic!

Then, it's off to the nutrition oncologist who is going to try to help me with this "GI" problem I am still having. I've lost 8 pounds since June 3rd. Something about eosinophils. Then off to the medical oncologist for a final consult on chemo. Will let you know how it all turns out. I'm so grateful to God Who sees it all unfolding from bizarre anesthesia to mustard seeds of faith growing in my heart. Deeply appreciate your prayers that move the hands of our good God.

PS - On April 7, 2009 when I received the diagnosis of "cancer," I taped a mustard seed into a notebook where I would keep all of my medical records. Then I taped a mustard seed into a brand new pink journal that I would start on that day. I'm always looking at those mustard seeds when I open those books up just about every day.