In a Tight Place Over Here

Weekends like this one makes me question and think really hard about life. I'm in a tight place.

Friday morning was the deadline with our medical oncologist whether to choose chemo or not. She took one look at me and said----we have to get you on an IV. I could barely walk into her office Friday a.m., I was so weak. Dehydrated. Again. For 10 days I had not been able to keep down food and liquids. Severe vomiting. Don't know why either. My surgeon decided to go ahead with the re-excision surgery on Tuesday. They gave me an IV to re-hydrate me. I walked out of the hospital, Tuesday, or was wheeled out and felt really good by Tuesday night. Short-lived. By Wednesday, I was back in trouble again. Thursday, I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow, so nauseous, incredibly weak. So here I sat Friday morning trying to tell my medical oncologist that I wasn't going to choose to go the route of chemo. That's when she read me the report of the surgical pathology report from Tuesday's surgery. It was hard to hear. It was bad news for me again. Now the med oncologist wants to do chemo. I won't go against medical advice.

Surgical Pathology Report from Tuesday's surgery: No clear margins. Again. Tuesday's surgery to get all the cancer out was not successful. Med oncologist's recommendation was mastectomy and chemo---she's the medical oncologist. I meet with the surgical oncologist tomorrow morning, Monday, to hear her interpretation of Tuesday's surgical pathology report and plan yet another surgery. Then chemo. Then radiation. This is so dragging out. One super hard thing in all of this is that you manage your own care or that's what it seems like to me and I'm not medical.

They tried to put the IV in my veins on Friday morning, but my vein collapsed. And what came to my mind was Psalm 46:1-3 God is so present in times of trouble ----somewhere, somebody told me this interpretation one time of that verse. "God is abundantly available in tight places." I have the smallest veins ever---my wrists are the size of a child's. I also had lost five pounds just this week from fluid loss. They had to call an RN from another floor in to find a vein. Sometimes, I feel so dramatic in all this. But it is reality. As I sat for about 5 hours receiving IV saline on Friday morning, I cried out to the God I so adore. Why can't this be over? It's been since April 1st trying to get answers and we still don't have a clear picture. We will tomorrow, probably. I've thought that so many times. And, yes, HE is available in tight places.

While I was waiting for lab reports, I put my jean jacket over my head in the waiting room and prayed that God would have some compassion on me. Isaiah 30:18 - HE longs to have compassion on us. Just a few seconds later, a random teenage girl came over to me in the waiting room and whispered a question in my ear--- she actually lifted up my jean jacket, invaded my personal space and whispered into my ear under my blue jean jacket---"Can I give you a hug?" It was as though God stepped over to me and gave me a physical hug----she will never know.

In about five hours I felt like a new person & actually walked out of there with tears still streaming down my face asking HIM to keep on showing up for I am still in a very very tight place.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have an incredibly unbelievable Present Mighty God Who is carrying me through this. 2 Timothy 1:6 says kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. I have no idea who those hands belonged to in that waiting room. I just know that I know that I know that I am not ashamed. I am called with a holy calling and it means I can ask my Father anything. And I can wrestle with my good God. And I can question Him. Not demand. But I can ask Him for healing and deliverance from even this---my soul, my body, my mind. And I believe. And I know that I know that I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced, I am persuaded at 3:00am when I am awakened at nights, that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. And when I don't believe, He helps my unbelief. Now, I have to just keep living moment by moment, surrendered, scared, and a little more solid than ever. It's not about how strong I am nor how positive I can be. It's all about the ONE who guards my heart, my life, my mind, my soul. I'm a mess over here but make no mistake, I am a glorious mess!

Pray for me at 9:45AM tomorrow, Monday morning, as I hear the final results of the surgical pathology report to plan another surgery.