Sunday, June 14, 2009

In a Tight Place Over Here

Weekends like this one makes me question and think really hard about life. I'm in a tight place.

Friday morning was the deadline with our medical oncologist whether to choose chemo or not. She took one look at me and said----we have to get you on an IV. I could barely walk into her office Friday a.m., I was so weak. Dehydrated. Again. For 10 days I had not been able to keep down food and liquids. Severe vomiting. Don't know why either. My surgeon decided to go ahead with the re-excision surgery on Tuesday. They gave me an IV to re-hydrate me. I walked out of the hospital, Tuesday, or was wheeled out and felt really good by Tuesday night. Short-lived. By Wednesday, I was back in trouble again. Thursday, I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow, so nauseous, incredibly weak. So here I sat Friday morning trying to tell my medical oncologist that I wasn't going to choose to go the route of chemo. That's when she read me the report of the surgical pathology report from Tuesday's surgery. It was hard to hear. It was bad news for me again. Now the med oncologist wants to do chemo. I won't go against medical advice.

Surgical Pathology Report from Tuesday's surgery: No clear margins. Again. Tuesday's surgery to get all the cancer out was not successful. Med oncologist's recommendation was mastectomy and chemo---she's the medical oncologist. I meet with the surgical oncologist tomorrow morning, Monday, to hear her interpretation of Tuesday's surgical pathology report and plan yet another surgery. Then chemo. Then radiation. This is so dragging out. One super hard thing in all of this is that you manage your own care or that's what it seems like to me and I'm not medical.

They tried to put the IV in my veins on Friday morning, but my vein collapsed. And what came to my mind was Psalm 46:1-3 God is so present in times of trouble ----somewhere, somebody told me this interpretation one time of that verse. "God is abundantly available in tight places." I have the smallest veins ever---my wrists are the size of a child's. I also had lost five pounds just this week from fluid loss. They had to call an RN from another floor in to find a vein. Sometimes, I feel so dramatic in all this. But it is reality. As I sat for about 5 hours receiving IV saline on Friday morning, I cried out to the God I so adore. Why can't this be over? It's been since April 1st trying to get answers and we still don't have a clear picture. We will tomorrow, probably. I've thought that so many times. And, yes, HE is available in tight places.

While I was waiting for lab reports, I put my jean jacket over my head in the waiting room and prayed that God would have some compassion on me. Isaiah 30:18 - HE longs to have compassion on us. Just a few seconds later, a random teenage girl came over to me in the waiting room and whispered a question in my ear--- she actually lifted up my jean jacket, invaded my personal space and whispered into my ear under my blue jean jacket---"Can I give you a hug?" It was as though God stepped over to me and gave me a physical hug----she will never know.

In about five hours I felt like a new person & actually walked out of there with tears still streaming down my face asking HIM to keep on showing up for I am still in a very very tight place.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have an incredibly unbelievable Present Mighty God Who is carrying me through this. 2 Timothy 1:6 says kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. I have no idea who those hands belonged to in that waiting room. I just know that I know that I know that I am not ashamed. I am called with a holy calling and it means I can ask my Father anything. And I can wrestle with my good God. And I can question Him. Not demand. But I can ask Him for healing and deliverance from even this---my soul, my body, my mind. And I believe. And I know that I know that I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced, I am persuaded at 3:00am when I am awakened at nights, that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. And when I don't believe, He helps my unbelief. Now, I have to just keep living moment by moment, surrendered, scared, and a little more solid than ever. It's not about how strong I am nor how positive I can be. It's all about the ONE who guards my heart, my life, my mind, my soul. I'm a mess over here but make no mistake, I am a glorious mess!

Pray for me at 9:45AM tomorrow, Monday morning, as I hear the final results of the surgical pathology report to plan another surgery.


Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 6/14/2009  


I am still praying and will continue to....I know so many people in this ugly battle right now...I am so thankful for the hug you received...

Will be praying tomorrow...

With love, Teresa

Mary Lou 6/14/2009  

What a blessing to get that hug in the waiting room. Says to me that He really is right there with you. Wow. You know that I am praying and will be praying. You have every right to be scared. You encourage me with your transparency and telling us how His word comes to you and encourages you, encourages me for the hard times I am having and will have before I leave this earth. What a blessing we have....we know Him now and He is working in your life and heart thru all of this and you are wasting none of are giving Him all of the glory and you are seeking His face. What a testimony. Praying and hugs...maybe someday I will be able to give you a physical hug and see you face to face. Blessings...Mary Lou

Holly 6/14/2009  

Your my very favorite glorious mess, if you are one! I love you. I love that that girl gave you a hug. It is something I have longed to do over the past week, friend. I am glad she gave you a hug!!

Praying for you, praying and asking God to come and be mighty in your midst, to cover you entirely in His care for you, as only He can!

Susan 6/14/2009  

Over and over, as I have prayed for you and thought of you, dear one, I have felt the urge to tell you that you must agree to the chemo. I knew it was not what you wanted. I knew I had no place to tell you. And so I prayed over and over that He would make it clear to you what you were supposed to do.

And now, He has clearly made His point.

I am sad that you had to hear bad news yet again. But I do not feel sorry for you. In fact, I envy you. You are the strongest faithful person I know. And you will continue to be so.

This is going to turn out right, sweet Bev. He is with you.


valerie 6/14/2009  

How sweet of that teenage girl to give you a hug.
I think she was an angel. :)

I'll be praying for you in the morning.

I love all of the verses you have hidden in your heart.


Therese 6/14/2009  

Every touch, every hug, every voice you hear is from Jesus. He is there with you the entire time and has never left. He is your Healer and Provider. I'm praying for you daily along with many others, and He is hearing our prayers. I love you sis!!!

Bobbie 6/14/2009  

I'll be praying tomorrow morning, for sure! Your teenage friend makes me smile and reasures me there are great teens in this country!

Hope you're feeling better this evening, maybe even stronger. You continue to amaze me....

Love and blessings, Bobbie

Meli n Pat 6/14/2009  

I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through, but to read how honest and real you are is incredible. You have given testimony of God's presence and have encouraged me, specifically, to hide God's word in my heart. To hear how His words come to you in just the right moments is a testimony to your faithfulness in that respect. I hope you are encouraged more and more as you travel this path. I wish I knew more to say to encourage you! I'll pray for a strong day, many strong days ahead.

Profbaugh 6/15/2009  

Praying for you Bev!!

Much love,

annie's eyes 6/15/2009  

Pleading healing and grace over you. Praising Him for His tender mercies throughout. Now I ask for your peace as you wait. He hears and He answers, Bev. "Only say the Word, Lord, and Bev shall be healed." As Cathy says, "the dreaded drumroll is the hardest." Love and hugs, Annette

connorcolesmom 6/15/2009  

I have to confess I too have tears streaming down my face!
Your faith and precious honesty is so heartfelt!
I continue to lift you up and ask that God be your refuge and strength!
Much love

Dee 6/15/2009  

I'm so very sorry, Bev. I am continuing in prayer for you. Keep on, Sister. You are a blessing.
Love you,

Rhonda 6/15/2009  

Praying for you. And rejoicing for obedient people who hug complete strangers when prompted by the Spirit of an Everloving, Everlasting God (whether they know it or not)!

PW 6/15/2009  

All I can say is (((((((((HUGS))))))))and said a prayer for you.

kathleen in TX 6/15/2009  

Praying for you and may His presence surround you as you walk through this journey. Praise Him for sending you a hug! What a blessing it is to have scripture hidden in your heart.

Anonymous 6/15/2009  

You are so amazing. I can't believe how strong you are......hang in there! You are an inspiration. (And so is the sweet hug girl!)

Love you always- Jenni H.

Jean 6/15/2009  

Hi, Bev,

I have been away from the computer since Thursday of last week. I'm just catching up on your news tonight. I was on a trip with my daughter and I thought about you a lot over the weekend and prayed for you. So, please know that even when you do not hear from me for several days, you are never far from my thoughts and prayers.

I love you, Bev.

twinkle 6/15/2009  

Hugging you with absolutely no words.

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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