The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???
The test results were supposed to come back today. They arrived a day early. I was proctoring an exam and I had just walked out of a meeting where I had hurt someone with my words---someone I care about. I was trying to wrestle through it. That's when the phone call arrived. All I could think was: "Get to the number" as the surgical oncologist's nurse explained the results. I needed to score an 11 or below on the Oncotype DX test assay. When she said the number, I BURST into sobbing. So surprised myself. I guess I have a whale of emotions within me over having cancer. The number was "11." I don't think there are any words to describe how I felt that moment that God had listened, as always, but answered and engineered those results for me.
I have felt like the man in Luke 11:5-13 knocking on his friend's door for 3 loaves of bread at midnight, the darkest hour. I've been knocking on His Door for ten days now. And I have asked anyone who would stop long enough and listen to me to join me in begging persistently like this friend knocking down a friend's door for bread. Ever begging but never demanding. It is entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of an Almighty God, said Francis Schaeffer when he had cancer.
It has been two weeks since surgery---some things are not healing right. My margins came back and were not clear and I have cancer in my lymph nodes---that news was so shaking to me last week. So, this news was the first pound of good news in a while. This was sweet. A low score! And tears flooded my face uncontrollably. Three hours later...
At 4:00pm, I walked out of Hyde Park ending my substitute teaching job this year at a brand new school that has embraced me and my son like family. Honestly, I feel like we've been there for all of our lives ---just like we had felt for 21 consecutive years at Lake Country in Fort Worth. It has been such a great move that God orchestrated to get us here.
My cell doesn't work inside the school building, and several voice mails popped up immediately. One got my full attention. Please call your medical oncologist right away. Somehow, I got through to her nurse at 5:15pm on Friday. "Your results on the Oncotype came back low ----BUT, the low score didn't matter to this medical oncologist. Your oncologist will talk with you about having chemo. So, I'm back to the chemo mode again.
My beautiful God is not playing a game of cat-and-mouse with me. He has not sent cancer to teach me some lessons. Doesn't work that way even though we sometimes reduce the mystery to lessons learned. Sure, we'll learn a lot but God longs for relationship with me and it's not about getting the lesson down so it won't happen again. Sometimes, people pray for me that I learn all that God is saying so I can be done with it. I hope we all learn much from what He brings our way or allows. But, it's not so it will all work out like I hope. Not so. That is not what I believe God is up to in this world. I can't manage my life. HE is my Manager. I can't reduce the mystery of a beautiful uncreated God to what I can understand and manage. I live for Him and Him alone. Our obedience to Him and His word is not a fixed guarantee that everything will work out like I want in this life. God seems to define joy differently than we do in this world.
Tomorrow I am going to MD Anderson for a second opinion in all of this. The surgical pathology report has come back wrong twice according to my oncologists. So I had the cancerous tumor sent to MDA. Please pray for God's peace and wisdom. There are several appointments set up at MDA Hospital for all day Monday and Tuesday. Then I have 3 oncologist appts. here on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll probably stay with Annette in Houston. She will be out-of-town on Monday. I will be at MDA by myself on Monday. If any of you Houston siestas can drop by the hospital for a moment, text me. I believe Annette will be there with me for some part of Tuesday.
We've been going through a bible study with some friends. It has meant much to me during these moments. The author was talking about how we can discern if we are living self-obsessed in our conversations and actions---how is this affecting ME? OR, are we truly livng a life of God-obsession. We all so desire that! He said there are three marks of God-obsession in our lives.
1. Personal pain is seen as our friend. God uses pain to wean us from self-obsession and to move us to God-obsession. Sounds like James 1 - count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Throw a party. So do I see my pain this day as my friend or my enemy?
2. Life going well is not my source of joy. Life going well is dangerous at times. Blessings can be enjoyed, celebrated and shared but never required as our source of joy. HE and HE alone is our joy.
3. What I feel like, felt desire, is my guide---No, Only desire for God’s glory, informed by Scripture, is a sure guide.
Well, I am going to keep on knocking on His Door in my dark nights over here. Hosea 2:14---HE is speaking tenderly to me. He has allured me into this wilderness. But the best part of it all is that HE has given me a door of hope and I'm walking through, no matter what. So am I SAFE? You bet I am! My Holy Spirit, the Holy Umpire, rules my heart and my peace comes from Him. Where I'm not living that out, HE will over-rule all over me. Col. 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule (umpire) your heart."
And would you please go knock on His Door and ask Him once again that I do not have to have chemo?
Remember the quote in The Chronicles of Narnia? He's a good God, but He's not safe. He is my good God no matter which way this turns. So, am I safe? This I know, I am carried by a God Who loves me so. My Love to All
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???
Saturday, May 23, 2009
As I awaited my surgical pathology report, John 14:16 jumped out at me. Can't get it off my mind. Jesus already asked the Father to give me "another Helper." I have that Helper, that Advocate, that Counselor. Means the world to me where I am this moment. You see, when you go through cancer, you are your own advocate---there is not one doctor who is looking over my care. You manage your own care. My specialists don't really communicate with each other. So I have this gigantic pink file that I carry with me everywhere I go containing every pathology report, every scan, every doctor's report. Some want to see them; some don't.
My doctor visits on Wednesday were not encouraging to me but I am not looking for good news to be my encouragement---the God of all Hope is my encouragement. Phil 2:1. And sometimes things are not going to fall like the way I want it to fall. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday didn't fall right to an onlooker's stare. But my God was right there in all of the news and He has just picked me up and carried me through this---just like I am on that "mat" being lowered down through the ceiling by some of you holding me tight. He is here! And He is a good God, no matter what!
So, here's the prognosis:
The hospital's surgical pathology report was wrong. They inaccurately measured the cancer in my lymph node as 3.4cm, an aggregate measure. You are supposed to measure individual focii. The surgeon corrected them and they did it again and it's wrong again according to the medical oncologist. Both of my doctors did not ask for a third opinion. So, I went to M.D. Anderson for a third opinion and am waiting for the surgical pathology reports as MDA has the cancerous tumor tissues and will get back with me.
My surgeon didn't get all of the cancer --- she missed it by .20mm --- that's microscopic. Couldn't even see it. She cannot do surgery for 3 more weeks. That means the PEM scan will be two months old and they will not do another one---the guide where to cut out microscopic cancer. We trust a God Unseen in all of this. Surgery is scheduled for June 9th.
The medical oncologist believes that since the cancer in my lymph nodes is under 2.0cm---it is 1.2cm, that she can wait for the oncotype DX test assay to come back June 3rd. If I score low----11 or under on a scale of 1 to 100, then there will be no chemo according to the med oncologist. The surgeon thinks that the cancer cells should measure less than .20cm or you need chemo. But the final say is with the med oncologist. So much is so unexact. And there WAS cancer in my lymph node and you can't minimize that, even if it was 1.2cm.
So, we are waiting for the June 3rd Oncotype DX assay to come back LOW. Please pray that God intervenes and it's a low score. He wants us to ask and leave the results in His lap.
And I'm waiting for June 9th for yet another surgery.
But more than all that, I am pursuing every avenue God opens up to deal with my present moments. Eph 6:12 says there are "powers over this present darkness" and my sweet Jesus has prayed for me for these moments in my life as I read John 17---Jesus Himself prayed for our protection from the Evil One. I am so alive in HIM and so stirred in my soul to find HIM. He must increase and I must decrease.
No way I can do any of this cancer journey on my own nor without your help, your prayers. And, the most encouraging thing to me is that I have Another Helper, Another Counselor. I have so much hope! And each of you gives me courage by your comments, your e-mails, your texts. I wish I could respond to each of you but I cannot. This week alone, I received 1,000 hits on my blog and I haven't even read anything on my Facebook yet but I know there's a lot. Again, God stirs up my faith and gives me courage from your comments. Thank you from the bottom of my hurting heart. I am being carried on a mat by you!
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 8:28 AM
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I don't know how I missed the doctor's phone call. The cell has been on my lap all day. But I missed it. Four hours later, I listened to my voice mails. My surgeon left a message that said that the pathology report was back.... and it wasn't good news. There was cancer in the lymph nodes. She also said that there were not clear margins---more cancer needs to be removed. More surgery. It was definitely not what the doctor expected to find with the pathology of my biopsy. It's rare with what I had that they expected to find any more cancer.
Isaiah 63:9 came right away...in all my distress, He was distressed and the angel of His Presence is here. In His Love, HE is redeeming me, lifting me up, and carrying me all the days of my life. HE has carried me to this day. He will carry me through yet another surgery. It's the last thing I want. I woke up while I was in the operating room and holding room and it was such a sinking slipping feeling. But, my God so brought me through it. And I'm doing well. I will trust Him even in this nightmare.
"I pleaded with the LORD this should leave me but HE said to me: My Grace is Sufficient for you." I will find what that really means in all of this. Chemo is the last thing I wanted. He is my good God in the midst of this horror. I will praise Him at all times. His praise will be on my mouth. He knows. He understands. He is here. Psalm 62: My soul, find REST in God alone, not in good news or bad news. HE is my Fortress and I will not be shaken. But I am. Trust in HIM at all times, even this moment. Pour out your heart to HIM. I am.
Where do I buy bread tonight? There is a boy who has 5 loaves and 2 fish. John 6:5-9. God can take what little I have this night and make something of it. For Him.
I will wrestle with this and find Him. I appreciate so much your praying for wisdom as I meet with my doctors tomorrow. I may be too honest for some of you. I'll face my fears and won't stay there. But I am in this present moment where I am on the floor holding on to my husband's feet sobbing and praying to hear the beautiful God I so adore and love. I've thought a lot this day about Mary washing His Feet with her tears. But, my tears are all over HIM this night in my sadness. I do love Him so.
I meet with my surgeon at 9:30am and my medical oncologist at 12:30pm. He is My Glory and the Lifter of My Head. Psalm 3:3.
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 9:56 PM
Monday, May 18, 2009
I'm sitting on my front porch in the midst of my impatiens, begonias, kolanchoes, and tropical hibiscus eating Ezekiel bread dipped in kidney beans (hmmm). I'm alive and well. Surgery could not have gone any better.
Flashback to Thursday:
The IV drip stingingly soared in scary seconds through the veins in my hand and I thought of Psalm 16:8---"The Lord is at my right hand and I will not be shaken." I felt a rush of panic. Be still, o my soul. My pastor and husband were praying for me. And I wrestled with what it meant to "be still" Psalm 46:10 in the moment I had dreaded. Of course, it's way more than being physically still. It's quieting my soul to know that a good God is in charge of me. I refuse to doubt His goodness no matter what happens---and I'll continue wrestling with that one. A wave of peace hit me head to toe and I asked for the name of the meds they were pumping in the IV. Can it be put in a capsule? The nurse responded: "Nothing is being administered to you." The pastor responded: "You just got 150cc of the Holy Spirit." God did so many things for me during the surgery and recovery that I can't even relate it all. My Ever-Present Help in trouble Psalm 46:1, even in my trip to the emergency room in the wee hours of Sunday morning in severe pain---even when our earth gives way. Still experiencing some significant side effects, so please pray for that to resolve.
If I could tell you one verse that God did for me through my cancer surgery and recovery, it was 2Chron 20:30 - I will give you REST on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. There were a couple of things that happened that unnerved me during surgery, but I really saw Jer. 17:7 that God was "My Confidence" when things didn't go just right. And all I have to say is that HE did Isa 63:9 - He lifted me up and He carried me through a tough surgery for me. And I so want to trust Him to do it again and again, as we await the results of the pathology reports which will determine the protocol of radiation and/or chemo.
So this is what I am waiting on:
1. Psalm 27: 13-14 - the Goodness of my near God.
2. Pathology Results on both cancerous tumor and invasive mass (should arrive anytime Tuesday or Wednesday). At that point, my medical oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon will together decide their "next step" and present it to me. You make your own decisions---that so surprised me.
3. Oncotype DX Breast Cancer Assay - Results will come in 10 days or so...it's a lab test that analyzes the expression level of 21 genes in both tumors they removed. I believe it is the only gene expression test in the country that predicts a patient’s likelihood to benefit from chemo as well as predict a recurrence rate. So now, I'm learning about genomics: how my own network of genes has influenced the tumor's biology and behavior. The human genome.
4. BRCA1 and BRCA2 Genetic Testing results: Should take six weeks. Genetic testing that looks for mutations in my chromosomes and is a predictor of the benefits of chemo therapy.
5. Back to #1---Still waiting on God.
Not waiting on any test results. Not waiting on any man. We all are waiting on our beautiful God to show up in our next moments. And you know what----He's here. Always knocking on the door of our hearts waiting for us to say, Come on in, My Beautiful Friend, my God. He's just waiting to hear us say that! I hope I don't miss the knock on my door today!
I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and thoughts and words to our family. You have been like His Voice to me. My children's teachers. Bloggers I've never met. High school kids who really love. Faithful friends from days long gone by. Loyal friends who are carrying me through this. We don't even know how to navigate your streets, dear Austin, TEXAS, but your people have embraced us like we've walked this worn path together forever. And I believe it's cause of the One who walks in your midst. Deut 23:14.
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 10:35 AM
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Just went for my last jog before surgery. Listened to "Healer" by Hillsong. I believe that He's my Healer, yes I do. Surgery is scheduled for 7am tomorrow, Thursday morning. It is a two-hour surgery and they will usher me out of the hospital late afternoon, as soon as I can get up. Should be home for dinner. The procedure is a lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection.
The past 24 hours have been the roughest yet. The radiation oncologist yesterday was way more than decent and so delightful but too graphic. He whisked out the devices he hopes to insert inside of me for one week of radiation (a cutting edge surgical procedure that circumvents seven weeks of daily radiation) and I nearly fainted. No way I can know the protocol until the pathology comes back anyway. A wave of depression came over me that I couldn't shake as I felt I really couldn't handle something steel and so big inside of me. Truth is---maybe I can't. But this I know...my God can give me His Strength.
I called my friend Mindy in California--- sobbing--- and she prayed for me and it lifted a day of depression. And where I have come to camp while I sat yesterday for four hours alone at the hospital was in the story of Jehoshaphat. In 2Chron 20, he was up against all odds. God said: Do not be afraid. I have had four people tell me that God put those words in the Bible 365 times. He knows we are afraid. The battle is not yours, but God's. I don't have to fight cancer. My body will fight the cancer. My God will fight for me. Stand firm. The LORD will be with me as I check into the hospital in 24 hours at 5:30am on Thursday.
2Chron 20:20 says: have faith in the LORD and you will be upheld. I feel like HE has held me tight through this five-week journey. Many of you have been through far worse. But what I face is real and God is giving peace in the midst. In the last verse of chapter 20, God writes that HE gave Jehoshaphat "rest on every side." As I turned on my computer just now, I allowed myself to read one e-mail. It was from Gary---the story of Jehoshaphat. 2 Chron 20---the battle is not yours, but God's. It's been like that this whole five weeks. Everywhere I turn, the hand of God toward me. Over 3,000 verses and it seems HE keeps speaking the same ones from different mouths.
You have been so kind and gracious and encouraging to me. Your words mean more to me than you will ever know. I would so love for you to pray for me as I face this surgery:
1. 2 Chron 20:30 - That my beautiful God will give me rest on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally. May I enter a rest I know not.
2. Psalm 46:1 - That HE will be my ever-present help in my troubles. His Arm is not too short for me. Isaiah 59:1.
3. Isaiah 40:4 - That HE would raise up my every mountain and make low my every hill that I might know Him better in all of this and may HE be glorified.
God has carried me through siestas prayers--- your words, your care, your stories have made me feel like my beautiful God is moving in me and in you. So grateful for a brand new church this year that has embraced us and made us feel like we've been here forever. Overwhelmed with the love of the pastor and elders who have prayed over me and given us so much. How God loves His church. My church has been God's hand to me and I thank you so deeply. Hyde Park Baptist School has so brought God to me too! Even brand new friends named Sarah and Bev have so brought the face of God to me. You all have been so generous with your words and gifts and compassion. God sees what you have done for our family.
And I am so grateful to those of you who have been used by God to build the foundation of our lives. We were at Hope Church for 27 years and hold very dear memories of friendship. Galatians 4:19. God used the church to "form Christ in us." We love you all so. And for our dear friends of 21 years at Lake Country Christian School, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and loyalty. And for Card Club---you filled my life with His Beauty. Just so wanted to express my heart of gratitude to all of you who have brought God to me and my family! I prayed for each of these groups this morning. May the kindness of our God continue to lead us all to repentance for He is so worthy. Romans 2:4 Pressing on with you to what HE has called us to. To take hold of that which HE has taken hold of each of us---I want to know Christ just like you do and His Power and the fellowship of His sufferings. Phil 3:10-14. Sounds so spiritual but I'm at the lowest reaching up and looking to touch a hem.
Deeply appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I face the unknown with the One who knows. I'm scared but confident in my God. Jer. 17:7. No worries in a year of drought. Not confident in myself. Just a Mighty God Who loves me so. I'll be smoothing out those hospital bedsheets, welcoming HIM to sit awhile and watch over me. Would you watch and pray too? I need you so. Your moving into my life means so much to me! Holly and Annette---would you keep them updated if I can't.
My Love and Gratitude to each of you, Bev
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 4:52 AM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I found a secret door this morning and it unlocked for me so many memories of how my beautiful God has set me free from fear. I am alive in ways I have never been before.
I found it! The secret door in front of me reminded me of a book I treasure: A secret door in the back of a wardrobe unlocks while the children are playing in it--- surreptitiously the kids move into a surreal stay frozen in fear that it is "Always Winter and Never Christmas." C.S. Lewis' Narnia novel about this place frozen solid in winter intrigues me so. My secret door is at the apartment complex where we live. One of my neighbors told me that the opening is at the end of the brick wall on the back parking lot. I found the secret passageway this morning. By myself.
I passed through my Narnia secret door around 7:00 am jogging into the Sunday stillness of a hovering morning sky with a manicured tree-lined fruit-filled avenue about three blocks long...and on my Ipod popped up a song about being still before God---I don't know what song it was---I just know I jogged with God down that road. Be still, oh my soul, and know that HE is God this day and Thursday (the day the surgeon removes both of the cancers that rage in my body) and every day that follows. HE holds my every moment.
And my God so spoke to me through Psalm 46:10. I don't have to fight anything. My God is fighting for me. It's HIS battle not mine. Right Julie? Julie knows 2 Chron 20:15 as she watched liver cancer take over her toddler who is now a teen. 2 Chron 20:15 is the verse Julie sent me in a text that has meant much to me in this battle. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were surrounded by fear---a vast army coming against them.
2 Chron 20: 2 J. and the people sought help from God not from their own resources, not their own strength, not even the power of their own words.
2 Chron 20:12 We have no power, we don't know what to do but our eyes are on God.
2 Chron 20:15 Don't be afraid for the battle is not yours, but God's.
2 Chron 20:17 Stand firm and the LORD will be with you.
Friday afternoon at 3:00pm I hit an all-time low since I've learned I had cancer. The fainting spells in the middle of the night while recumbent have just petrified me. I've been doing so well trusting a good God in the midst of horror sometimes. But, on Friday, I was frozen in fear for about two hours. Sobbing on the floor of my bathroom crying out to my God. The cardiologist this week said it was seizures and sent me on to a neurologist. I know some of you are thinking you have been through far worse and I'm sure you have. All I know is that as I cried out to my God on Friday, HE lifted that veil that clouded my mind and shifted me to a peace I knew not about 5:00pm. A strange peace settled on me as we drove to one more doctor's appointment.
I went in at 5:30pm Friday to a nutrition oncologist appointment thinking I would be handed a grocery list of items to buy and impact my bland unpopular diet even further. But what happened was this...I met with a doctor who had prayed Jer 33:3 for me before I went in. And God so showed up in that doctor's visit. The information I received from this doctor surpassed anything I've heard yet from any doctor. Really. No one has a corner on the market on truth except God. But, this doctor gave me hope for the vaso-vagal syncopal episodes that I have explaining what he believed was happening and I think he is right. He took me seriously. He didn't put in my hand a prescription to see a psychiatrist like one of my oncologists did just because of my histrionic background. I don't presume to know all that is going on, but it was one of those God moments for me---he even gave me one change in my diet that helped me immediately----last night I slept for seven hours with no sleeping meds. First time since April 7th when I learned that I had cancer. I even took a nap this Mother's Day and it was so sweet.
I didn't expect to find God at the nutrition oncologist's office but HE was there. And, actually, I found Him in the car on the way there as we were stuck in Austin five o'clock traffic. The nutritionist asked me to come back again tomorrow for another appointment. He has a six-month waiting list but a friend got me in. I now know why. Unbelievable is all I can say!
I'll also be doing my pre-op tomorrow, as well, at the hospital, and meeting with my anesthesiologist. And I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and that's a very important one. Yes, I'm scared but the battle is HIS. And HE is so carrying me through this. Deeply appreciate your prayers for these 3 doctor appointments tomorrow.
My Prayer Request:
2 Chron 20:15 - that I would not choose to live in fear. My nutrition doctor told me to pray that my tried-and-true white blood cells would find and fight to take over the young cancer cells. And I pray that I will learn better how to step aside moment by moment and let my God fight my battles.
So whatever you face on this Mother's Day, may you know deep in your heart, that your God is right there with you saying: "Come closer." You have been loved for a very long time---Genesis 1:1 is where it all started. You were in His mind, His heart. As many of you love on your moms and your children this day, may you know how loved you really are! He loves you so! Happy Mother's Day!
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 4:11 PM
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I will rise! Oh yes, I will. One day and this day. Rise to praise His Name. Rise to bring Him pleasure. Rise to love, live, and linger. A package came this weekend from a blogger who has invaded my heart and life. She's the one who drove here a couple of weeks ago to bring me quiche and take me to the Sunset Capital of Texas, The Oasis. If I could bring up a picture, I would, but you'll have to go to Annette's blog to find the Austin sunset. I'm helpless tonight to add a pic. Inside the package was like Christmas. Remember the quote from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe??
Always Winter, Never Christmas."
But when Aslan comes....all wrongs made right. Aslan is on the move.
And HE is on the move in my life. No longer winter.
I had prayed for the song "I Will Rise" (kind of an odd request---to pray for one song), and I thought maybe I would get a CD or find the CD----didn't even know who sang the song. I can't download from ITunes cause we are blocked for whatever reason. There it was in the box from the blogger on a brand new Ipod. "I WILL RISE." She had downloaded some songs for me and that song was staring me in the face. I literally fell to my face and shouted to my LORD I was so thrilled. And I was out the door to Town Lake. I ran the 3-mile loop around Lady Bird Lake without stopping listening to songs I had never heard before like Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes." First time ever in my life I jogged 3 miles! I've been walking 2 hours every day and doing a one-mile jog on the treadmill every single day since the day we learned that I have cancer, April 7th. It finally kicked in and today's my 5th day of jogging 3 miles----if you knew me, you'd be giving me a standing "O." Exercise has not been my forte. I may be in an athletic family but I hold the signs when they do the marathons and triathlons.
But, way more than that my beautiful God is so on the move in my life through this cancer journey. HE is so near---His beloved needs HIM so! He hears me.
The Healer of my soul!
"I Will Lift My Eyes to the Maker of the Mountains I Can't Climb."
"I Will Lift My Eyes to my Healer of the hurts I hold inside."
(That's Bebo Norman!)
Yes, God holds my right hand. And it's not about how hard I hold on to Him. He's got me tight and HE will never ever let me go." No one can snatch me out of His Hand.
Some days, the news is good. Some days, it's not what I wanted to hear. The PEM scan pathology report showed that the tumors have high metabolic activity---not good, and I have to wait until May 14th for surgery. But His Peace pervades. Never wanted to wait six weeks for surgery. But, I trust in God, not in man and man's decisions.
Went to the cardiologist today as I am still having difficulty with fainting in the middle of the night. EKG was perfect. No problem there---cleared for surgery. The doctor's diagnosis: seizures---and so I'm being sent to a neurologist. I can't sleep longer than four hours each night. My insurance company (and I won't say their name) will not approve the medicine that my doctors have prescribed to help me. I didn't know insurance companies could do that. They've never examined me or even seen me. Every day since April 20th, I call this no-name insurance company and ask them to please remove the denial. I even ask them for forgiveness when I get angry with them. Had to go back to my CVS pharmacist and apologize to her when I first heard that they wouldn't approve the common medication I needed. Angry words spilled out of my mouth that I regretted saying to her. I gave her a piece of my mind. She quickly forgave me. Most of her customers aren't asking forgiveness. And it's all because it is the kindness of my beautiful God that continues to lead me to repentance. Romans 2:4.
I so want to deal with the stuff in my heart and find better places. I so want to praise HIM this night and not ask for a thing. I want to draw near to HIM more than I want to be healed, more than I want stuff to work out for me. So, I'll linger in this moment knowing that only God could be taking away my fears. I will fear no evil for HE is with me. Moment by moment. That's all I can live by. HE meets me in my weakness. It's not about how strong I am. One thing HE said but I heard TWO THINGS:
He is Strong.
He is Loving. Psalm 62: 11,12
He loves you so!
Cannot thank you enough for your comments, e-mail's, texts, and calls. I cannot respond to all of them since I am working full-time teaching through May 13th and nights are filled with kids and ministry and two-hours of exercise and life. Your words to me are signposts and sweet fragrances of the ONE we all love. 2Cor 2:14. Thank you from the bottom of my healthy heart!
Posted by Bev Brandon @ The Fray at 9:33 PM