Saturday, May 30, 2009

Personal Pain is My Friend

The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???

The test results were supposed to come back today. They arrived a day early. I was proctoring an exam and I had just walked out of a meeting where I had hurt someone with my words---someone I care about. I was trying to wrestle through it. That's when the phone call arrived. All I could think was: "Get to the number" as the surgical oncologist's nurse explained the results. I needed to score an 11 or below on the Oncotype DX test assay. When she said the number, I BURST into sobbing. So surprised myself. I guess I have a whale of emotions within me over having cancer. The number was "11." I don't think there are any words to describe how I felt that moment that God had listened, as always, but answered and engineered those results for me.

I have felt like the man in Luke 11:5-13 knocking on his friend's door for 3 loaves of bread at midnight, the darkest hour. I've been knocking on His Door for ten days now. And I have asked anyone who would stop long enough and listen to me to join me in begging persistently like this friend knocking down a friend's door for bread. Ever begging but never demanding. It is entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of an Almighty God, said Francis Schaeffer when he had cancer.

It has been two weeks since surgery---some things are not healing right. My margins came back and were not clear and I have cancer in my lymph nodes---that news was so shaking to me last week. So, this news was the first pound of good news in a while. This was sweet. A low score! And tears flooded my face uncontrollably. Three hours later...

At 4:00pm, I walked out of Hyde Park ending my substitute teaching job this year at a brand new school that has embraced me and my son like family. Honestly, I feel like we've been there for all of our lives ---just like we had felt for 21 consecutive years at Lake Country in Fort Worth. It has been such a great move that God orchestrated to get us here.

My cell doesn't work inside the school building, and several voice mails popped up immediately. One got my full attention. Please call your medical oncologist right away. Somehow, I got through to her nurse at 5:15pm on Friday. "Your results on the Oncotype came back low ----BUT, the low score didn't matter to this medical oncologist. Your oncologist will talk with you about having chemo. So, I'm back to the chemo mode again.

My beautiful God is not playing a game of cat-and-mouse with me. He has not sent cancer to teach me some lessons. Doesn't work that way even though we sometimes reduce the mystery to lessons learned. Sure, we'll learn a lot but God longs for relationship with me and it's not about getting the lesson down so it won't happen again. Sometimes, people pray for me that I learn all that God is saying so I can be done with it. I hope we all learn much from what He brings our way or allows. But, it's not so it will all work out like I hope. Not so. That is not what I believe God is up to in this world. I can't manage my life. HE is my Manager. I can't reduce the mystery of a beautiful uncreated God to what I can understand and manage. I live for Him and Him alone. Our obedience to Him and His word is not a fixed guarantee that everything will work out like I want in this life. God seems to define joy differently than we do in this world.

Tomorrow I am going to MD Anderson for a second opinion in all of this. The surgical pathology report has come back wrong twice according to my oncologists. So I had the cancerous tumor sent to MDA. Please pray for God's peace and wisdom. There are several appointments set up at MDA Hospital for all day Monday and Tuesday. Then I have 3 oncologist appts. here on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll probably stay with Annette in Houston. She will be out-of-town on Monday. I will be at MDA by myself on Monday. If any of you Houston siestas can drop by the hospital for a moment, text me. I believe Annette will be there with me for some part of Tuesday.

We've been going through a bible study with some friends. It has meant much to me during these moments. The author was talking about how we can discern if we are living self-obsessed in our conversations and actions---how is this affecting ME? OR, are we truly livng a life of God-obsession. We all so desire that! He said there are three marks of God-obsession in our lives.

1. Personal pain is seen as our friend. God uses pain to wean us from self-obsession and to move us to God-obsession. Sounds like James 1 - count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Throw a party. So do I see my pain this day as my friend or my enemy?

2. Life going well is not my source of joy. Life going well is dangerous at times. Blessings can be enjoyed, celebrated and shared but never required as our source of joy. HE and HE alone is our joy.

3. What I feel like, felt desire, is my guide---No, Only desire for God’s glory, informed by Scripture, is a sure guide.

Well, I am going to keep on knocking on His Door in my dark nights over here. Hosea 2:14---HE is speaking tenderly to me. He has allured me into this wilderness. But the best part of it all is that HE has given me a door of hope and I'm walking through, no matter what. So am I SAFE? You bet I am! My Holy Spirit, the Holy Umpire, rules my heart and my peace comes from Him. Where I'm not living that out, HE will over-rule all over me. Col. 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule (umpire) your heart."

And would you please go knock on His Door and ask Him once again that I do not have to have chemo?

Remember the quote in The Chronicles of Narnia? He's a good God, but He's not safe. He is my good God no matter which way this turns. So, am I safe? This I know, I am carried by a God Who loves me so. My Love to All

23 comments:

Mary Lou 5/30/2009  

Rest assured sweet Bev, I will ask Him again for you to not have to have chemo. You are doing beautifully....you are holding onto Him and Him alone. I will pray that you get in touch with Annette. IF I lived in Houston I would come and sit with you for as long as you needed, but alas I live way too far away to do that, however I do know that He will be right there with you, as you know. Thank you again for your testimony and blessings on your night and day and the time at MD Anderson. Praying as I go...hugs...Mary Lou

Bobbie 5/30/2009  

Bev, I'll pray that you won't have to have chemo and that your Drs will have the wisdom to treat you in a way that will keep you comfortable while attacking this thing with a vengence! God is with you and I'm wishing I were going to be in Houston on Mon or Tues so I could stop by to say Howdy! If our plans change I'll do my best to get by MDA!

Stay strong and know you have A LOT of Siestas praying for you!
Hugs, Bobbie

Holly 5/30/2009  

Yes, I wil pray just that, my dear friend. Praying that you will have blessing upon blessing heaped upon you. Love you so very much!
Holly

Toknowhim 5/30/2009  

Your words are beautiful... How I am challenged so deeply by your words and experiences...

I will pray for you Bev....

Love from Illinois... Kim

twinkle 5/30/2009  

11...SCORE!

Differing opinions?...BOO!

Call at Home Plate?...Your UMPIRE ROCKS!

CHEMO?...I think we need a replay! Glad results are getting a second look. Personally, I would rather go STRONG on the meds...just in case.

Praying that GOD'S BEST is His Gift to you...with some sweet mercy thrown in because He LOVES you more than butterflies, bunnies and brownies...just imagine that!

Would you go sit in that Secret Garden of yours and just be quiet. Ask God to direct you through all of this confusion. When you don't know which way to turn, ask HIM to increase your desire in the way that you should go. And then, that He would decrease your desire in the wrong path. I just love sitting at His Feet, listening. Journal as much as you can through this, writing out your prayers. You will be able to look back and see God's Hand in your life in ALL your needs.

LORD God, Bev is precious to us. And to You. Part the Red Sea for her. Turn water into wine for her. Bless her two fish and five loaves to feed a multitude through her. Be her Kinsman-Redeemer when life seems to have taken away her hope for a future. Raise her up from her mat and let her walk once again. Remove leprosy that eats away at her flesh. Yes, we beg You, LORD. Not only are You our Good God, but You are Perfect. Let Your Perfection have it's freedom in Bev's life. Thank You for hearing this beggar's prayer. We cannot begin to know Your Wealth until we know our emptiness. Rain IT down, LORD. Like a monsoon. In Jesus Name. AMEN.

Just me~ Bobbie Jo 5/30/2009  

(((((((((((Bev)))))))))))))

I am praying like crazy for you!

Profbaugh 5/30/2009  

You got Bev. . . I'm knocking and praying my butt off for you. I hope you can feel the LOVE across the miles. Just wish I were closer to give you a (((BIG Hug)))) in person.

Much love,
~Cheryl

Lindsee 5/30/2009  

Praise the Lord for that #11. Knocking on His door on your behalf that you don't have to do chemo! Only Him, my friend, only Him!

Also, I thought I had your number in my cell, but I'm afraid I don't. So, if you get this before you leave for Houston, please email me your number! I am going to try really had to see you on Monday. I would love to give your sweetest self a hug!

Love you, Bev!

Lindsee

Nise' 5/30/2009  

Have not stopped praying my friend and will continue to do so as you give us specific requests.

He is shining through and I as I get a glimpse all I can do is fall on my knees and give Him praise.

marina 5/30/2009  

Love you Bev you are in my thoughts and prayers, marina

Meli n Pat 5/30/2009  

Wish I lived down south sometimes. Your wisdom through the pain is so strengthening to me. I agree so much with what you said. I hope you have a world of encouragement waiting for you.

Lisa 5/31/2009  

Knocking on the door now.
Blessings ~ Lisa

CAROL LIVIN FOR GOD 5/31/2009  

Hi Bev I am your seista in Albuquerque NM I have been praying and you bet I will continue, I have sent you a commment on the feista seista blog that's how I learned that you needed prayer I am certainly in to pray before Our Mighty God that can move mountains and part the red sea and we seista's are knocking on heavens door for you. Lord on behalf of Bev we bring her to you on a mat and lower her thru the roof to the Healer The Almighty God Lord may your hand of protection be upon her give her peace in her soul that only comes from you. Give her strenght to get thru this Give the doctors wisdom and knowledge to know how to treat her. Lord we pray that she would not have to have the chemo but this would be knocked out with medience. These requests we bring before your throne along with Bev and we lay them down at your feet and can't wait to see and to praise you Almighty God Thank you in Jesus Sweet Name Amen
Carol Albuquerque NM

Rhonda 5/31/2009  

Praying for wisdom and clarity in results & no chemo. Your testimony so far(cause He is NOT finished)is beautiful! If I lived in Houston I would hug you in a heartbeat! Praying for you sweet Bev.Praying for you. And you won't be alone Monday. Not even for a second!

Teri~Facedown 5/31/2009  

Father God, I pray for Bev right now in Jesus name and ask that you would let your peace that passes all our understanding rule her as she meets with new medical people at Anderson. Father, I pray that Bev will have a sound mind as she hears all of the information during her meetings and she is able to comprehend the information that will thrown at her. Gracious Lord, I also pray for definitive results. Let the tests and results be crystal clear. Father I pray that you will guide and direct Bev and help her decisions come easily. Lord, lastly I pray that you would hold Bev and let her feel a tangible touch from you. Lavish on her your rich love, in Jesus name, amen.

Sharon Brumfield 5/31/2009  

Continuing to pray!
He is faithful! That has been stuck in my head for almost two weeks now.
I will continue to pray. And I will do some knocking on His door. :)
Keep your eyes on His tender loving face. He loves you so!

Ang baylis 5/31/2009  

Praying for you...
Angie xoxo

Shonda 6/01/2009  

I'm praying for you this morning. I wish I could be there with you.
Much love-
Shonda

Dee 6/01/2009  

Your words reminding us that God seems to define joy diffently in this world than we do packs a punch. I love the wisdom that you share with us. I will continue praying as you test at MDA and meet with the oncologists that all will point to no chemo. Praise the Lord. I love you, sweet friend.
Deidra

Transparent Mama 6/01/2009  

Bev- I just gave you the "Lovely Blog Award" on my blog because you inspire me with your authenticity.

Kristin 6/01/2009  

I will be knocking on heaven's door on your behalf sweet Bev!

~Kristin

He Knows My Name 6/01/2009  

Praying too!

janel

Anonymous 6/02/2009  

Bev, Your steadfastness is such an encouragement. My prayers for you continue daily.

God remains in control. Now and always.

Nate

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home
"Whoever welcomes a little child in My Name, welcomes Me." Matthew 18:5 We have posted pictures of the orphans receiving their gifts from you. Scroll down to the post entitled "Today Was the Big Day." Many orphans didn't own anything of their own, but now do, because of you.

My Family

My Family
Britt, Blair, Bev, Bob, Brooke, Barrett

Contact

I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

Followers

My Blog List

Search This Blog

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed

Site Meter

Especially Designed for Bev by

Photobucket

  © Free Blogger Templates 'Photoblog II' by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008