Personal Pain is My Friend

The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???

The test results were supposed to come back today. They arrived a day early. I was proctoring an exam and I had just walked out of a meeting where I had hurt someone with my words---someone I care about. I was trying to wrestle through it. That's when the phone call arrived. All I could think was: "Get to the number" as the surgical oncologist's nurse explained the results. I needed to score an 11 or below on the Oncotype DX test assay. When she said the number, I BURST into sobbing. So surprised myself. I guess I have a whale of emotions within me over having cancer. The number was "11." I don't think there are any words to describe how I felt that moment that God had listened, as always, but answered and engineered those results for me.

I have felt like the man in Luke 11:5-13 knocking on his friend's door for 3 loaves of bread at midnight, the darkest hour. I've been knocking on His Door for ten days now. And I have asked anyone who would stop long enough and listen to me to join me in begging persistently like this friend knocking down a friend's door for bread. Ever begging but never demanding. It is entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of an Almighty God, said Francis Schaeffer when he had cancer.

It has been two weeks since surgery---some things are not healing right. My margins came back and were not clear and I have cancer in my lymph nodes---that news was so shaking to me last week. So, this news was the first pound of good news in a while. This was sweet. A low score! And tears flooded my face uncontrollably. Three hours later...

At 4:00pm, I walked out of Hyde Park ending my substitute teaching job this year at a brand new school that has embraced me and my son like family. Honestly, I feel like we've been there for all of our lives ---just like we had felt for 21 consecutive years at Lake Country in Fort Worth. It has been such a great move that God orchestrated to get us here.

My cell doesn't work inside the school building, and several voice mails popped up immediately. One got my full attention. Please call your medical oncologist right away. Somehow, I got through to her nurse at 5:15pm on Friday. "Your results on the Oncotype came back low ----BUT, the low score didn't matter to this medical oncologist. Your oncologist will talk with you about having chemo. So, I'm back to the chemo mode again.

My beautiful God is not playing a game of cat-and-mouse with me. He has not sent cancer to teach me some lessons. Doesn't work that way even though we sometimes reduce the mystery to lessons learned. Sure, we'll learn a lot but God longs for relationship with me and it's not about getting the lesson down so it won't happen again. Sometimes, people pray for me that I learn all that God is saying so I can be done with it. I hope we all learn much from what He brings our way or allows. But, it's not so it will all work out like I hope. Not so. That is not what I believe God is up to in this world. I can't manage my life. HE is my Manager. I can't reduce the mystery of a beautiful uncreated God to what I can understand and manage. I live for Him and Him alone. Our obedience to Him and His word is not a fixed guarantee that everything will work out like I want in this life. God seems to define joy differently than we do in this world.

Tomorrow I am going to MD Anderson for a second opinion in all of this. The surgical pathology report has come back wrong twice according to my oncologists. So I had the cancerous tumor sent to MDA. Please pray for God's peace and wisdom. There are several appointments set up at MDA Hospital for all day Monday and Tuesday. Then I have 3 oncologist appts. here on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll probably stay with Annette in Houston. She will be out-of-town on Monday. I will be at MDA by myself on Monday. If any of you Houston siestas can drop by the hospital for a moment, text me. I believe Annette will be there with me for some part of Tuesday.

We've been going through a bible study with some friends. It has meant much to me during these moments. The author was talking about how we can discern if we are living self-obsessed in our conversations and actions---how is this affecting ME? OR, are we truly livng a life of God-obsession. We all so desire that! He said there are three marks of God-obsession in our lives.

1. Personal pain is seen as our friend. God uses pain to wean us from self-obsession and to move us to God-obsession. Sounds like James 1 - count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Throw a party. So do I see my pain this day as my friend or my enemy?

2. Life going well is not my source of joy. Life going well is dangerous at times. Blessings can be enjoyed, celebrated and shared but never required as our source of joy. HE and HE alone is our joy.

3. What I feel like, felt desire, is my guide---No, Only desire for God’s glory, informed by Scripture, is a sure guide.

Well, I am going to keep on knocking on His Door in my dark nights over here. Hosea 2:14---HE is speaking tenderly to me. He has allured me into this wilderness. But the best part of it all is that HE has given me a door of hope and I'm walking through, no matter what. So am I SAFE? You bet I am! My Holy Spirit, the Holy Umpire, rules my heart and my peace comes from Him. Where I'm not living that out, HE will over-rule all over me. Col. 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule (umpire) your heart."

And would you please go knock on His Door and ask Him once again that I do not have to have chemo?

Remember the quote in The Chronicles of Narnia? He's a good God, but He's not safe. He is my good God no matter which way this turns. So, am I safe? This I know, I am carried by a God Who loves me so. My Love to All