Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Holding on to my husband's feet. Clutching for my good God's Hand

I don't know how I missed the doctor's phone call. The cell has been on my lap all day. But I missed it. Four hours later, I listened to my voice mails. My surgeon left a message that said that the pathology report was back.... and it wasn't good news. There was cancer in the lymph nodes. She also said that there were not clear margins---more cancer needs to be removed. More surgery. It was definitely not what the doctor expected to find with the pathology of my biopsy. It's rare with what I had that they expected to find any more cancer.

Isaiah 63:9 came right away...in all my distress, He was distressed and the angel of His Presence is here. In His Love, HE is redeeming me, lifting me up, and carrying me all the days of my life. HE has carried me to this day. He will carry me through yet another surgery. It's the last thing I want. I woke up while I was in the operating room and holding room and it was such a sinking slipping feeling. But, my God so brought me through it. And I'm doing well. I will trust Him even in this nightmare.

"I pleaded with the LORD this should leave me but HE said to me: My Grace is Sufficient for you." I will find what that really means in all of this. Chemo is the last thing I wanted. He is my good God in the midst of this horror. I will praise Him at all times. His praise will be on my mouth. He knows. He understands. He is here. Psalm 62: My soul, find REST in God alone, not in good news or bad news. HE is my Fortress and I will not be shaken. But I am. Trust in HIM at all times, even this moment. Pour out your heart to HIM. I am.

Where do I buy bread tonight? There is a boy who has 5 loaves and 2 fish. John 6:5-9. God can take what little I have this night and make something of it. For Him.

I will wrestle with this and find Him. I appreciate so much your praying for wisdom as I meet with my doctors tomorrow. I may be too honest for some of you. I'll face my fears and won't stay there. But I am in this present moment where I am on the floor holding on to my husband's feet sobbing and praying to hear the beautiful God I so adore and love. I've thought a lot this day about Mary washing His Feet with her tears. But, my tears are all over HIM this night in my sadness. I do love Him so.

I meet with my surgeon at 9:30am and my medical oncologist at 12:30pm. He is My Glory and the Lifter of My Head. Psalm 3:3.

29 comments:

annie's eyes 5/19/2009  

Words fall so short for my heart for you, Bev. Praying this night for you for some rest, for your appointments tomorrow, for healing, and for even more Grace than He so obviously has already bestowed on that beautiful head of yours. Your tears are washing His feet and He hears. I'm sitting here in the dark, wanting so much for this Cup of suffering to pass. Maybe I can give you a real hug at the end of the week. With my heart, Annette

Just me~ Bobbie Jo 5/19/2009  

(((((((((((((bev)))))))))))))

No words but just know I am praying for you!

Shonda 5/20/2009  

Bev, praying for you this morning.
Love ya!
Shonda

Karen 5/20/2009  

praying for you this morning...

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:7

love you,
karen

Sharon Brumfield 5/20/2009  

You have been on my mind and in my prayers so often lately. You just kind of drift in and out...and I pray. Kind of funny how God is keeping a connection going.
I want to try and share this..don't know if it will touch you the way it touched me. I have been watching the series by Beth called HE IS....for the second time.
The first session was in Isa 26. She taught on the 3 and 4th verse the most. But what got me was when she explained the root meaning behind verse three.
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
That word steadfast...it means to prop or to lean. Like a child sitting by his daddy's feet and leaning over to place his head on his daddy's knee. And Beth talked about not only leaning our heads there...but allowing Him to hold our head and put thoughts there that should be there.
We have some things going on now...things that can weigh on the spirit and brain. I find when I realize my thoughts have been going there that I find myself tilting my head to the side....like I am laying it down in His lap. Take it Father...You put the thoughts there that you want there.
Just thought I would share that with you. Keep tilting!
I love you sister....and I am praying. Wish I was there to sit with you. I am with you in spirit.
He Is Faithful!

Anonymous 5/20/2009  

Praying with you. Your tears are precious before the Father. Praying that you will find everything you need IN HIM today.
Love you so much!
Kristen W

Dee 5/20/2009  

Bev, my heart breaks with yours. I have been praying, and I will continue to pray. I pray that the Lord God will hug you so close to Himself that you hear His very heartbeat.

Much love,
Deidra

Mary Lou 5/20/2009  

Bev, tears came to my eyes as I read this post. Please stay honest and transparent with us...this is where the rubber meets the road..I have sweet friends who will tell you that it is first the temporal reaction and then the spiritual. You are only human. You are His and He is right there with you. As I type this you are meeting with the first doctor...have not stopped praying for you and will not stop. He truly is your Glory and the Lifter of your head. Lifting you up to Him as I type. Praying for His peace to flow over you like a peaceful river. You are loved...hugs...Mary Lou

Anonymous 5/20/2009  

Isaiah 41:10-Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

We will get through this Momma. Nothing comes as a surprise to Him. Can't wait to see you again soon.

I love you.

Blair

Ex 14:4-The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Sallye 5/20/2009  

Bev,

Praying for you.

Sallye

boomama 5/20/2009  

Praying for you - love you!

God's Girl 5/20/2009  

You are so sweet... thank you for sharing such a faith filled update. You brought God's comfort to me and to everyone who reads it.

I'm so thankful that we serve a God who is mighty and one that is loving in all of His ways. I'm so thankful that we live this life for eternity's sake.

Love to you Bev. Keep clinging to Jesus!

Julie

Travis 5/20/2009  

Praying for you today.

Toknowhim 5/20/2009  

Like others have said there are no words I can say, but I will keep praying for you sweet Bev... Love, Kim

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 5/20/2009  

Praying for you today and asking God for a miracle....praying for peace, for kind medical people, for grace for the day...and hope for tomorrow....

Yolanda 5/20/2009  

I'm thankful that I can go to a God that loves us and understands, and I'm there before Him for you.

Lisa 5/20/2009  

Pausing right now and lifting you up in prayer. In His presence there is love, joy, hope and peace that passes all understanding. May He quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing.
Blessings ~ Lisa

connorcolesmom 5/20/2009  

Bev,
I hope you know how much you mean to me
You are in my constant thoughts and prayers
I am asking God to intervene for you - to be your Jehovah Rapha - healer
You Jehovah Shalom - peace
and praying these verses for you

Psalm 23:4
Psalm 27:1
Zephaniah 3:17
Psalm 18:2
Psalm 27:5
Psalm 55:22
Phillippians 4:6
I love you girl!!
Kim

Transparent Mama 5/20/2009  

That's just crappy news. If I cussed, I'd use another choice word.

Keep fighting girl and I'll keep battling in prayer for you.

It's funny because I just looked down and my word verification word is "carapp." Just what I was thinking!

B 5/20/2009  

You made me cry my dear Bev.... Your fears are valid and your honesty invites me to enter into God's presence just as I am. I am praying, along with many who love you.

Meet Bev, Lord Jesus. Settle her heart and soothe her soul.
Much Love,Anne

Lynelle, Joe and Jairus 5/20/2009  

Adding prayers to the many at the throne room.

Janet 5/20/2009  

Bev, I love your honest heart before Him! and the rest of us.....
Not easy...
We are praying.jlo

Profbaugh 5/21/2009  

It's times like this when being at distance (over the internet) just doesn't work for me. I wish I was there with you Bev to hold you and reassure you of His love. Know that you continue to be very, very much on my mind and I'll be interceding especially tomorrow as you meet with the surgeons and oncologist. Praying especially for peace for you.

((((BIG Hug))))
~Cheryl

Sherry 5/21/2009  

Stopping by to let you know that I, too, will be praying for you.

Shonda 5/21/2009  

You're on my heart and in my prayers today.
Lots of love!
Shonda

HIS Child 5/21/2009  

Your honesty is real and beautiful. I am praying for you, and you are in my thoughts often. I agree with my other siesta's this time distance is no fun.
He has laid HIS Hand upon you, HIS right hand holds you fast.

Love you,
Celeste

twinkle 5/21/2009  

I hope you know that this news just breaks my heart. It is not what I wanted to hear. I would have much preferred to hear they got it ALL! Or, it had vanished, praise JESUS! But it is worse than they thought it was.

My goodness, Bev. What NOW?!?

From past experience, remember God's Goodness.
From past experience, remember God's Overcoming Power.
From past experience, remember God's Promises.
From past experience, remember the size of faith you need to see a MIRACLE. Mustard seed faith.

I will walk with you through this. My sleeves are rolled up. I have my workboots on. The high heels are kicked off and the proper things are set aside. I am believing God for your healing. I will do that until He works perfect healing in you in His time.

He can make time stand still.
He can make fruitful the womb of the barren woman.
He can kill giants using one little boy with giant-sized faith.
He can feed multitudes with a meal the size of my two hands.
And He can defeat death.

Father, we know You as Omnipotent, Omnipresent and Omniscient. All powerful, all available and all knowing. I love that about You. Especially when I hear the news about Bev and want to just cry. I know that Bev is in Your Care. I know that nothing will happen to Bev that You have not already gone before her. I know that nothing has surprised You about this. And I trust You. Simply trust YOU! Father, speak to Bev words of encouragement and strengthen her for the battle before her. Direct her every step and thought. Take captive defeating thoughts and replace them with Your Words. Your WORD! It creates! It defeats! It resurrects! Have MERCY. Lord, have mercy. May we all be still as we see Your Glory revealed through Bev in this fiery trial. We stand clothed in the righteousness of Christ. May His Victory shine through. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Ang baylis 5/21/2009  

I wish I would have read this sooner! You are on my heart right now, Bev! I think about you all of the time! I don't really know why I don't have the right words to tell you. Just know I'm praying...
Love you,
Angie xoxo

Tishira Brown 5/22/2009  

Bev,

I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to reading up on my blogs. You are in my heart and I'm praying daily for you. Fight the good fight and know that you have a prayer warrior in me. You've been added to our prayer list at my church and you have many more prayer warriors out there praying for you and your family.
God bless you and your family.
Love and hugs to you,
Tishira

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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