Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Secret Door

I found a secret door this morning and it unlocked for me so many memories of how my beautiful God has set me free from fear. I am alive in ways I have never been before.

I found it! The secret door in front of me reminded me of a book I treasure: A secret door in the back of a wardrobe unlocks while the children are playing in it--- surreptitiously the kids move into a surreal stay frozen in fear that it is "Always Winter and Never Christmas." C.S. Lewis' Narnia novel about this place frozen solid in winter intrigues me so. My secret door is at the apartment complex where we live. One of my neighbors told me that the opening is at the end of the brick wall on the back parking lot. I found the secret passageway this morning. By myself.

I passed through my Narnia secret door around 7:00 am jogging into the Sunday stillness of a hovering morning sky with a manicured tree-lined fruit-filled avenue about three blocks long...and on my Ipod popped up a song about being still before God---I don't know what song it was---I just know I jogged with God down that road. Be still, oh my soul, and know that HE is God this day and Thursday (the day the surgeon removes both of the cancers that rage in my body) and every day that follows. HE holds my every moment.

And my God so spoke to me through Psalm 46:10. I don't have to fight anything. My God is fighting for me. It's HIS battle not mine. Right Julie? Julie knows 2 Chron 20:15 as she watched liver cancer take over her toddler who is now a teen. 2 Chron 20:15 is the verse Julie sent me in a text that has meant much to me in this battle. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were surrounded by fear---a vast army coming against them.

2 Chron 20: 2 J. and the people sought help from God not from their own resources, not their own strength, not even the power of their own words.
2 Chron 20:12 We have no power, we don't know what to do but our eyes are on God.
2 Chron 20:15 Don't be afraid for the battle is not yours, but God's.
2 Chron 20:17 Stand firm and the LORD will be with you.

Friday afternoon at 3:00pm I hit an all-time low since I've learned I had cancer. The fainting spells in the middle of the night while recumbent have just petrified me. I've been doing so well trusting a good God in the midst of horror sometimes. But, on Friday, I was frozen in fear for about two hours. Sobbing on the floor of my bathroom crying out to my God. The cardiologist this week said it was seizures and sent me on to a neurologist. I know some of you are thinking you have been through far worse and I'm sure you have. All I know is that as I cried out to my God on Friday, HE lifted that veil that clouded my mind and shifted me to a peace I knew not about 5:00pm. A strange peace settled on me as we drove to one more doctor's appointment.

I went in at 5:30pm Friday to a nutrition oncologist appointment thinking I would be handed a grocery list of items to buy and impact my bland unpopular diet even further. But what happened was this...I met with a doctor who had prayed Jer 33:3 for me before I went in. And God so showed up in that doctor's visit. The information I received from this doctor surpassed anything I've heard yet from any doctor. Really. No one has a corner on the market on truth except God. But, this doctor gave me hope for the vaso-vagal syncopal episodes that I have explaining what he believed was happening and I think he is right. He took me seriously. He didn't put in my hand a prescription to see a psychiatrist like one of my oncologists did just because of my histrionic background. I don't presume to know all that is going on, but it was one of those God moments for me---he even gave me one change in my diet that helped me immediately----last night I slept for seven hours with no sleeping meds. First time since April 7th when I learned that I had cancer. I even took a nap this Mother's Day and it was so sweet.

I didn't expect to find God at the nutrition oncologist's office but HE was there. And, actually, I found Him in the car on the way there as we were stuck in Austin five o'clock traffic. The nutritionist asked me to come back again tomorrow for another appointment. He has a six-month waiting list but a friend got me in. I now know why. Unbelievable is all I can say!

I'll also be doing my pre-op tomorrow, as well, at the hospital, and meeting with my anesthesiologist. And I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and that's a very important one. Yes, I'm scared but the battle is HIS. And HE is so carrying me through this. Deeply appreciate your prayers for these 3 doctor appointments tomorrow.

My Prayer Request:
2 Chron 20:15 - that I would not choose to live in fear. My nutrition doctor told me to pray that my tried-and-true white blood cells would find and fight to take over the young cancer cells. And I pray that I will learn better how to step aside moment by moment and let my God fight my battles.

So whatever you face on this Mother's Day, may you know deep in your heart, that your God is right there with you saying: "Come closer." You have been loved for a very long time---Genesis 1:1 is where it all started. You were in His mind, His heart. As many of you love on your moms and your children this day, may you know how loved you really are! He loves you so! Happy Mother's Day!

21 comments:

Patty 5/10/2009  

Bev,
I have been thinking of you so much. As I read your posts and your journey with cancer, it takes me back to my journey with cancer and I am believing God to do amazing things this week for you. Praying for you this week and I love you!

Sheryl 5/10/2009  

amazing how i can be reading this post with a smile on my face. your faith and trust just leap off the page. isn't God just SO great?? sure do love Him more each day.

praying for you this week. love the attitude you are possessing as you walk through this.

love to you and happy mother's day.

Anonymous 5/10/2009  

LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!!

prayin for you this week...

-Blair

Karen 5/10/2009  

oh, dear one, our God is so BIG! And whether you expected to find Him there, He KNEW you'd be there. I love Him so! Praying for you this night. So glad you've found some peace.

love,
karen

annie's eyes 5/10/2009  

I tried to call you this morning, knowing you were in church but it was when I had a moment to talk. I am praying specifically for the appointments to all go well and thanking Him for going before you, opening doors and leading you to healing and wholeness. The nutritionist --what a gift! Okay, just know, dear friend, that I am praying and should be more available this week, except on Tuesday. Love you bunches, Annette

Tishira Brown 5/10/2009  

I linked to your blog through LPM. Thank you for your wonderful uplifting words. I want you to know that you are in my prayers. God bless you and your family.
Your Sister in Jesus Christ,
Tishira

Bobbie 5/10/2009  

What a treasure you are to me and all those you come in contact with. You're truly an AMAZING woman. I love your faith and the peace you've found in our awesome God. God is so walking just a step ahead of you. I'll continue praying for you this week as you prepare for Thursday. Do you have a time for your surgery?

Praying that your 'tried-and-true white blood cells will find and fight to take over the young cancer cells'...and that you will feel God's arm around you through this surgery and beyond.

Loving you, Siesta for all you are and are to be! Bobbie

Anonymous 5/11/2009  

Beverly,

I know it has been many, many years since I last spoke to you within the halls of Hope Church, but I do remember you and Bob fondly. I will add my prayers for you this week as you and God face this battle together.

Nate Couch
Hope Church 1980's

Sallye 5/11/2009  

Bev,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been praying for you since you first posted about the cancer. And have ask my cancer survivor friends to be praying too. I am praising God for answers to prayer, sleep and rest being first on the list. I know that God is carrying you through this, and that He will provide.

The 14th is marked in red to be a day of continuous prayer for you and your family. Could we ask that someone update the blog for you?

I may not have met you in person either, but you are a joy, and a mentor.

In Him,
Sallye

Yolanda 5/11/2009  

I continue to pray and simply think about you and the journey you are walking.

connorcolesmom 5/11/2009  

that is a beautiful picture of God's faithfulness
Love you Bev!
Kim

Mary Lou 5/11/2009  

Bev, this post spoke to my heart and lifted me and encouraged me. You are giving Him praise and glory and honor in the midst of your trial and that is one thing that is so dear to the heart of God. It is so apparent that He has gone before you with each thing that unfolds before you as you face this trial in your life. He is holding you by His right hand and He is urging you to be still before Him and know that He is God. Praying as you requested. Please have someone post anything that we need to know. I will be in prayer for you on Thursday. Have been praying and thinking of you much. Praying Psalm 27:14 for you...wait on the Lord, Let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord. I believe you are doing just that. You are living the scriptures out before us. Praise His name. Love and hugs and prayers Mary Lou

Shonda 5/11/2009  

You are loved and I'm praying for you this Monday morning.

Linda Bubel 5/11/2009  

Bev - Mark and I love you and are praying for you. What a journey your life is! We miss you and hope one day to visit you and Bob in Austin.

Kristin 5/11/2009  

Praying for you sweet Bev. I love to hear how God continues to reveal himself in this hard time. Thanks for sharing your heart here.

With love, Kristin

ocean mommy 5/11/2009  

Sweet Bev...love you and praying for you.

Hugs and prayers,
steph.

twinkle 5/11/2009  

Bev,
I love secret gardens! Here's a link to a post of mine on a Camellia Garden I visited this year.

http://twinkle-twinkle-twinkle.blogspot.com/2009/03/one-is-nearer-gods-heart-in-garden.html

May God continue to give you peace!
Love,
Deborah

Joan Kipp Massey 5/11/2009  

Bev,
Words are inadequate for the depth of your situation... Praise God that HE is adequate and that you are appropriating that... You are being such a wonderful reflection of Him... praying that you stay strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. love you ... Joan Massey

Anonymous 5/12/2009  

Bev, You are in our prayers.
The Fouts

Fran 5/12/2009  

I've had you on my heart today and am glad that I came over and got caught up. Praying for you now. Praying for such peace to cover your beautiful heart and mind and body. May God be so near to you.

We all love you so much!
Hugs,
Fran

Mary R Snyder 5/12/2009  

Praying for your peace and for the Lord to just pour out His grace all over your spirit. I'm praying that our beautiful Savior will comfort you today.

My prayer is that you know that God rejoices over you, sweet sister. Zeph. 3:17

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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