The Secret Door

I found a secret door this morning and it unlocked for me so many memories of how my beautiful God has set me free from fear. I am alive in ways I have never been before.

I found it! The secret door in front of me reminded me of a book I treasure: A secret door in the back of a wardrobe unlocks while the children are playing in it--- surreptitiously the kids move into a surreal stay frozen in fear that it is "Always Winter and Never Christmas." C.S. Lewis' Narnia novel about this place frozen solid in winter intrigues me so. My secret door is at the apartment complex where we live. One of my neighbors told me that the opening is at the end of the brick wall on the back parking lot. I found the secret passageway this morning. By myself.

I passed through my Narnia secret door around 7:00 am jogging into the Sunday stillness of a hovering morning sky with a manicured tree-lined fruit-filled avenue about three blocks long...and on my Ipod popped up a song about being still before God---I don't know what song it was---I just know I jogged with God down that road. Be still, oh my soul, and know that HE is God this day and Thursday (the day the surgeon removes both of the cancers that rage in my body) and every day that follows. HE holds my every moment.

And my God so spoke to me through Psalm 46:10. I don't have to fight anything. My God is fighting for me. It's HIS battle not mine. Right Julie? Julie knows 2 Chron 20:15 as she watched liver cancer take over her toddler who is now a teen. 2 Chron 20:15 is the verse Julie sent me in a text that has meant much to me in this battle. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were surrounded by fear---a vast army coming against them.

2 Chron 20: 2 J. and the people sought help from God not from their own resources, not their own strength, not even the power of their own words.
2 Chron 20:12 We have no power, we don't know what to do but our eyes are on God.
2 Chron 20:15 Don't be afraid for the battle is not yours, but God's.
2 Chron 20:17 Stand firm and the LORD will be with you.

Friday afternoon at 3:00pm I hit an all-time low since I've learned I had cancer. The fainting spells in the middle of the night while recumbent have just petrified me. I've been doing so well trusting a good God in the midst of horror sometimes. But, on Friday, I was frozen in fear for about two hours. Sobbing on the floor of my bathroom crying out to my God. The cardiologist this week said it was seizures and sent me on to a neurologist. I know some of you are thinking you have been through far worse and I'm sure you have. All I know is that as I cried out to my God on Friday, HE lifted that veil that clouded my mind and shifted me to a peace I knew not about 5:00pm. A strange peace settled on me as we drove to one more doctor's appointment.

I went in at 5:30pm Friday to a nutrition oncologist appointment thinking I would be handed a grocery list of items to buy and impact my bland unpopular diet even further. But what happened was this...I met with a doctor who had prayed Jer 33:3 for me before I went in. And God so showed up in that doctor's visit. The information I received from this doctor surpassed anything I've heard yet from any doctor. Really. No one has a corner on the market on truth except God. But, this doctor gave me hope for the vaso-vagal syncopal episodes that I have explaining what he believed was happening and I think he is right. He took me seriously. He didn't put in my hand a prescription to see a psychiatrist like one of my oncologists did just because of my histrionic background. I don't presume to know all that is going on, but it was one of those God moments for me---he even gave me one change in my diet that helped me immediately----last night I slept for seven hours with no sleeping meds. First time since April 7th when I learned that I had cancer. I even took a nap this Mother's Day and it was so sweet.

I didn't expect to find God at the nutrition oncologist's office but HE was there. And, actually, I found Him in the car on the way there as we were stuck in Austin five o'clock traffic. The nutritionist asked me to come back again tomorrow for another appointment. He has a six-month waiting list but a friend got me in. I now know why. Unbelievable is all I can say!

I'll also be doing my pre-op tomorrow, as well, at the hospital, and meeting with my anesthesiologist. And I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and that's a very important one. Yes, I'm scared but the battle is HIS. And HE is so carrying me through this. Deeply appreciate your prayers for these 3 doctor appointments tomorrow.

My Prayer Request:
2 Chron 20:15 - that I would not choose to live in fear. My nutrition doctor told me to pray that my tried-and-true white blood cells would find and fight to take over the young cancer cells. And I pray that I will learn better how to step aside moment by moment and let my God fight my battles.

So whatever you face on this Mother's Day, may you know deep in your heart, that your God is right there with you saying: "Come closer." You have been loved for a very long time---Genesis 1:1 is where it all started. You were in His mind, His heart. As many of you love on your moms and your children this day, may you know how loved you really are! He loves you so! Happy Mother's Day!