Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hurry to Remember He's Faithful - Joshua 4:10

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and before I could blink, tears spilled out of my eyes. My waking thought: "I am a lousy Christian. I am fainting in the middle of the night and can't stop the fainting." Where did that thought come from? Not God.

I am going to put my prayer requests right here cause this post is way too long. I can type as fast as I think, sort of. I'll try to make them shorter in the future (lol---that may never happen.)

Prayer Requests:
1. Pray Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous in the midst of fainting and upcoming surgery May 14th. Don't be terrified for the LORD will be with you.
2. Pray Numbers 13:33. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes. Pray I will be kind to myself, not beating myself up over what I have done or not done, said or not said.

I Sam 30:15 says David encouraged himself in the LORD. Being that there was no one awake to encourage me at 4:45am, I prayed and listened and wept. And my precious LORD said to me: Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Yes I do!!!! And, all I want right now is to know Him better.

He didn't send cancer to teach me a lesson. I may learn a whole lot better how to love. But He just wants me. And He loves me so....whether I am unconscious or awake. It's not up to me how tight I am holding His Hand. HE is holding me so tight as He carries me through this. HE is holding me together - Col 1:17....and I can't be any more grateful to HIM and to each of you for bringing my God to me! Thank you so much for all your comments and texts and calls. EXCEPT, my cell phone has been broken all week. So I bought a new one but it doesn't work. Then I lost my computer yesterday! And we are down to one car----two cars broke....hmmm. No phone, no computer, no car----sounds like the 1800's.

Had 3 doctor appointments today. My surgeon dispersed the multitude of PEM images and mapped out my surgery and it is scheduled for Thursday May 14th. Lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection. Stage 1. Saw the Radiation Oncologist and he is hopeful they can get clear margins and no lymph node involvement. Radiation for 7 weeks or possibly I could be a candidate for MammoSite. All depends on pathology of tumor---I have two cancers in same quadrant. I did have a 30-second outburst of tears cause I wanted surgery SOONER. But, I'll trust His timing and wait. Radiation oncologist talked about putting gold seeds inside a balloon inside of me (MammoSite) to which Britt replies: "Gold! We can sell Mom on eBay." Oh the precious boy has entertaining wit! You just have to keep a sense of humor in the midst of going to three very serious doctors in one day---they are all my new bff's. My non-bff insurance company (I won't mention their name) has refused for 14 days to fill the control-released prescription the doctor ordered to help me sleep through the night. I've never taken anything before to help me sleep but I'm desperate. I can only sleep about 4 hours. It will cost the insurance group more if they continue to dig in their feet cause I have been instructed to go to the hospital the next time I faint. I have to see a cardiologist to get clearance for surgery. Also visited with the geneticist. My dad died of colon cancer on the morning that my mother went in for a mastectomy for breast cancer. I crawled in the bed with him and held him tight as he passed knowing his wife of 50 plus years would never hold him again.

God is so carrying me through this. All I can do is live for today----sufficient for today is the little troubles we have this day like lost computers and broken cell phones and much bigger issues of life. If I start thinking about tomorrow, God pulls me back to this moment. I need to take care of myself right now----less stress. So I'm off to bed. I'll read a little more of His Word. Read this morning about God parting the Jordan River for the people and in Joshua 4:10 how the people HURRIED to go back into that parted river and pick up some rocks to remember the faithfulness of their beautiful God. And so I'll pile high my rocks of remembrance of His faithfulness from days gone by to this very experience of cancer. I can't make it through this without HIM. Just can't do it. So, I'll enjoy this moment, this day as I encounter those who were in His mind before the beginning of the world. And I hope I treat them with dignity and grace even in our little controversies. All my new bff's that I'll be spending the next several months with battling cancer.

Still working fulltime. And remember, I have no phone and no computer and no car (it's in the shop). So if I don't respond, if I don't show up---you know why. And I will try to be a little kinder to myself and stop calling "me" names like lousy. I may be a mess at times but I am a glorious mess. Pray that I deal with my own heart like Caleb and Joshua did and let others have their own opinions and give them space. Deeply appreciate your prayers.

Bless you my friends. I'm scared facing surgery and the nighttime fainting is scary too. But HE knows. Yes, HE knows all of our suffering. Job 36:15 ---and HE is speaking to all of us in all our affliction.

21 comments:

Fluff Your 4/29/2009  

"I've picked you, I haven't dropped you. Don't panic, I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I am your God. I will give you strength. I'll help you. Hold you steady and keep a firm grip on you!"

LOVE this verse and love you, Bev!

Lorrie

Toknowhim 4/30/2009  

You are beautiful!!!! I will keep praying for you too... You make me want to love God more :)

beckyjomama 4/30/2009  

I am so proud of your strength. I know you tink you are weak, but you let Him carry you and that is ALL the strength you need. Your witness is strong and your faith is stronger still.

Here is what I want you to do - go to the store and hit the toy section, find your self the polly pocket doll that most resembles you. take her home and unwrap her and put her next to your bed. THEN when you wake in the night, pick up your polly/bev and lay her in the palm of your hand and look at her. SHE is you and YOU are in HIS hands just like she is in yours. He lifts, protects and shelters you. But most of all, He LOVES you. HE will NOT let you fall.

PS: I love you too.

Mary Lou 4/30/2009  

Bev, so glad you were able to post and let us know the details. The date of the 14th came to my mind yesterday and I thought to myself,maybe that really is Your timing for Bev. Protect her till then was my next prayer.
I found the words to the song that came to mind..it is by Billy J. Foote..."I have a river, a river of life, Flowing inside of me and it never runs dry, I have a treasure, a glorious prize, The Spirit of God in me, in abundant supply.
Jesus,You are my living water, And I'll never need what this world offers, So I will rejoice, For You have made me glad, I want this world to want what I have. Spirit of God, my source of power, You've given me more than I could ask for.
So, I will rejoice, For You have made me glad, I want this world to want what I have. Halleljuah, Halleljuah, Hallelu...You are The River.
Blessings on you...may He continue to go before you. Thank you for blessing my heart with all of the scriptures that He uses to bless you..they bless me. Love you..Mary Lou

Bobbie 4/30/2009  

You are so NOT lousy and God knows this more than we do! Your fear is real and very normal. Remember Melissa's "He knows it's scary to be us"! He's also giving you strength and courage, friend. You're an amazing, AMAZING woman. This may sound odd to you but your recounting of the people who hurried back to the parted river to pick up rocks to remember the faithfulness of their beautiful God set in motion a tho't for me! We are trying to establish a new yard around our new home. There seem to be many rocks in this yard of ours and I have picked up a few, but now I plan to pick up as many as I possibly can-for with everyone I pick up I will be saying a prayer for you, your surgery, your docs, your slow insurance company, your fainting, your beautiful family...the list just goes on. You will certainly be in my heart and prayers on May 14th. I'm glad you have a date now, even if it's not soon enough! Like you said God schedules these things in His time and that's part of His plan!

Hang in there, you're doing a great job and I'm glad you're able to share your feelings, fears, anxieties and just whatever you need to on this blog.

Take care and know that you're in many thot's and prayers through your journey, not just mine.

May God's Peace be with you, Bobbie

fuzzytop 4/30/2009  

Bev - I don't have any wise and pithy words to say... So I'll just say you are doing great - keep close to Him and know He is taking care of you.

We're praying for you....

Hugs,
Adrienne

cindyw 4/30/2009  

Bev- I would so be the highest bidder for you on e-bay right now! However, you do have ONE who has already bought you and paid the highest price and He will not let you be sold for anything. I love you, sweet friend and am praying for you daily. Love, Cindy W

Dee 4/30/2009  

I am praying for you and loving you. My words are inadequate.
Love,
Deidra

Holly 4/30/2009  

Praying for you my dear friend.

If they did sell you on Ebay, they would be incredibly wealthy--you are invaluable!! Love you much!
Holly

Yolanda 4/30/2009  

I'm wondering how much "good" you will get out of the Ebay statement. I'm praying for you and love to you from my heart. Yolanda

annie's eyes 4/30/2009  

You are collecting stones of rememberance. I love Mary Lou's song--The River. Holding on to Him tightly is right where He wants you. You bless me so, sweet friend. Praying...right through the next few weeks, for peace, for sleep, for the hills to be made smoothe. Love you, Annette

Anonymous 4/30/2009  

Grace! Grace! Grace! Holy God, I ask that You cover Bev with Your grace. And we rejoice as we walk at YOUR FAITHFULNESS...weeping may last through the night, but JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!!! Lord, I am asking that You fill Bev with Your JOY!!! God, let Your JOY be her strength...

Bev, I keep getting the picture of Aaron holding up Moses' arms...and here, we gather, as sisters who have never met, and together we hold up your arms and send ceaseless prayers before the throne as incense.
Love you,
From LCCS
Kristen W

Nise' 4/30/2009  

Praying for you my friend daily.

Anonymous 4/30/2009  

Bev, since I can't e-mail you privately, I'll let you know here that I am still praying for you and I love you.

I have more to say but I'll wait til you get your computer and in the meantime I will keep praying!

Lots of love,
Jean

Angbaylis 5/01/2009  

Hey, Bev!

Whew...I am Praising God this morning that you have insurance to take care of you. With the fears of our Michigan economy and all of my patients losing their insurance, it makes me grateful for you having coverage! I'll pray for your peace and rest and for things to go smoothly. You don't need any extra stress!
Love you,
Angie xoxo

Yvette 5/01/2009  

Bev,
We are still praying for you!! Here are the verses that helped me when our house burned and when my dad was ill.
Isaiah 43:1-3a But now, thus says the Lord you Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine! When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and through rivers; they will not overfow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord you God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior..." Love, Yvette

Little Millie 5/01/2009  

Bev,

I am still praying for you. I have walked with a dear friend through the cancer journey.

I will share one thing that God said to me during this time with my friend's cancer. I was praying Psalm 23 and I got to the part about the Lord preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I had never really thought about that verse much because I never really had an enemy until that point. I thought about cancer as my enemy and I realized that God was preparing a meal for me, meeting all my needs, while all the enemy could do was sit and watch.

I will pray for you to sit at the table God has prepared for you totally protected from your enemies.

Karen from Tennessee

Kate 5/01/2009  

I'm praying for you my Bev.

xoxoxoxo

Alana 5/01/2009  

Sweet Bev. I'm continuing to pray for you. Be at peace!

Yolanda 5/04/2009  

Bev,

Good morning! I can't seem to locate an email address, so I'm just going to post here. For several days now on my bible I have a sticky note with your name and a scripture reference. I keep praying this and feeling that I'm to share it with you. Today, I can't allow another moment to go by and not be obedient.

Psalm 73:23-26, I pray that it bless' you.

Lovingly,
Yolanda

He Knows My Name 5/04/2009  

Bev, in my sleeplessness this Tuesday morning I am lifting you up in sweet prayer.

janel

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
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I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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