Hurry to Remember He's Faithful - Joshua 4:10

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and before I could blink, tears spilled out of my eyes. My waking thought: "I am a lousy Christian. I am fainting in the middle of the night and can't stop the fainting." Where did that thought come from? Not God.

I am going to put my prayer requests right here cause this post is way too long. I can type as fast as I think, sort of. I'll try to make them shorter in the future (lol---that may never happen.)

Prayer Requests:
1. Pray Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous in the midst of fainting and upcoming surgery May 14th. Don't be terrified for the LORD will be with you.
2. Pray Numbers 13:33. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes. Pray I will be kind to myself, not beating myself up over what I have done or not done, said or not said.

I Sam 30:15 says David encouraged himself in the LORD. Being that there was no one awake to encourage me at 4:45am, I prayed and listened and wept. And my precious LORD said to me: Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Yes I do!!!! And, all I want right now is to know Him better.

He didn't send cancer to teach me a lesson. I may learn a whole lot better how to love. But He just wants me. And He loves me so....whether I am unconscious or awake. It's not up to me how tight I am holding His Hand. HE is holding me so tight as He carries me through this. HE is holding me together - Col 1:17....and I can't be any more grateful to HIM and to each of you for bringing my God to me! Thank you so much for all your comments and texts and calls. EXCEPT, my cell phone has been broken all week. So I bought a new one but it doesn't work. Then I lost my computer yesterday! And we are down to one car----two cars broke....hmmm. No phone, no computer, no car----sounds like the 1800's.

Had 3 doctor appointments today. My surgeon dispersed the multitude of PEM images and mapped out my surgery and it is scheduled for Thursday May 14th. Lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection. Stage 1. Saw the Radiation Oncologist and he is hopeful they can get clear margins and no lymph node involvement. Radiation for 7 weeks or possibly I could be a candidate for MammoSite. All depends on pathology of tumor---I have two cancers in same quadrant. I did have a 30-second outburst of tears cause I wanted surgery SOONER. But, I'll trust His timing and wait. Radiation oncologist talked about putting gold seeds inside a balloon inside of me (MammoSite) to which Britt replies: "Gold! We can sell Mom on eBay." Oh the precious boy has entertaining wit! You just have to keep a sense of humor in the midst of going to three very serious doctors in one day---they are all my new bff's. My non-bff insurance company (I won't mention their name) has refused for 14 days to fill the control-released prescription the doctor ordered to help me sleep through the night. I've never taken anything before to help me sleep but I'm desperate. I can only sleep about 4 hours. It will cost the insurance group more if they continue to dig in their feet cause I have been instructed to go to the hospital the next time I faint. I have to see a cardiologist to get clearance for surgery. Also visited with the geneticist. My dad died of colon cancer on the morning that my mother went in for a mastectomy for breast cancer. I crawled in the bed with him and held him tight as he passed knowing his wife of 50 plus years would never hold him again.

God is so carrying me through this. All I can do is live for today----sufficient for today is the little troubles we have this day like lost computers and broken cell phones and much bigger issues of life. If I start thinking about tomorrow, God pulls me back to this moment. I need to take care of myself right now----less stress. So I'm off to bed. I'll read a little more of His Word. Read this morning about God parting the Jordan River for the people and in Joshua 4:10 how the people HURRIED to go back into that parted river and pick up some rocks to remember the faithfulness of their beautiful God. And so I'll pile high my rocks of remembrance of His faithfulness from days gone by to this very experience of cancer. I can't make it through this without HIM. Just can't do it. So, I'll enjoy this moment, this day as I encounter those who were in His mind before the beginning of the world. And I hope I treat them with dignity and grace even in our little controversies. All my new bff's that I'll be spending the next several months with battling cancer.

Still working fulltime. And remember, I have no phone and no computer and no car (it's in the shop). So if I don't respond, if I don't show up---you know why. And I will try to be a little kinder to myself and stop calling "me" names like lousy. I may be a mess at times but I am a glorious mess. Pray that I deal with my own heart like Caleb and Joshua did and let others have their own opinions and give them space. Deeply appreciate your prayers.

Bless you my friends. I'm scared facing surgery and the nighttime fainting is scary too. But HE knows. Yes, HE knows all of our suffering. Job 36:15 ---and HE is speaking to all of us in all our affliction.