Thursday, April 16, 2009

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Desperate for prayer this Thursday evening. Been dealing with crashing waves of overwhelming fear of the unknown. It's the evening watch that is getting to me. Nighttime terrors. I have no words to say how much your prayers have meant to me. I have no words to say how much your words sink deep into places in my heart and make me wrestle with the beautiful God I so worship.

TWO PRAYERS REQUESTS:

1.) MAY OUR PRAYERS MOVE THE HANDS OF GOD. Could God change HIS mind about this cancer stuff? Pray 2 Chron 33:12,13 - "And when Manasseh was in distress, he entreated the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before God. He prayed to HIM and God was moved by His prayer and heard his plea and brought him back. Would you pray that God bring me back to health again? I wonder if our prayers might change His mind? And I accept whatever way that HE will do just that. Human agents. Miraculous intervention.

2.) MAY GOD MAKE MY OFFERING GO REALLY FAR.....FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH - John 6:9. I have little to give to my Beautiful God. I can't even surrender right in my terror. Can't stop the panic attacks. My first procedure to prepare for surgery starts tomorrow and I am paralyzed in fear. I'm having a PET Scan and while it may be uneventful for most, I embrace overwhelming fear. Pray that the smallness of what I offer to my good God----pray HE will make it go so far.5:00 am this morning I was awakened in terror. Landed on the floor. Crying out to the beautiful God I so love. Waves of fear washed over me as I lay fainting. Seems so surreal that sweet slumber is stolen and traded for conscious chaos. I forced myself off the floor back into the bed and surrendered, trying to be still in a body that's not cooperating with me....but there was peace that moment (wondered if anyone was praying) and I fell back asleep. Night terrors.

The phone call came in another hour to substitute teach. "Would you give me the strength to do it today, God?" Yes... and I bounded out the bed and so loved every minute of looking into faces of beautiful teens who are searching for their God and finding HIM so real. One student today told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend whom he really liked cause it was interrupting his relationship with his God. I love being with these kids. A few of my son's friends knew I had cancer and privately expressed overwhelming love to me. It was a day of real joy for me.I had a moment of panic after lunch and I slipped into the bathroom to pray and there lay a hymnal on the counter. I opened it straight to the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead" and the tears fell as a balm of peace literally poured over me, Jeremiah 8:22. Yes, there's a balm for the wounded soul. God knows my frame and the machine I've had to drive through this life. He's looking for my faith---and maybe my fledgling faith may be expressed a little different than your strong sure faith. Let me borrow a little from you.

When I went to leave school, overwhelming fears washed over me again, and I walked around the block straight into a secret garden I'd never seen before. Pristine and fragranced and intriguing, I lingered in the garden cause HE brought me there while fresh fallen rain shined on the roses. And I thought of a song from our childhood that Blair and I would sing when she was a preschooler---I went to the garden to pray...and the VOICE I hear falling on my ears, the Son of God....He was there. I could smell Him.

Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will smooth out the sheets on a bed in a doctor's office on Mo-Pac. I'll invite my beautiful God to sit right there with me. I'll be alone with HIM for a few hours. No one can come in the room with me because of the radioactivity. The procedure is a PET (positron emission tomography) Scan which scans your body for the cancerous tumors and gives the surgeon a map for my upcoming surgery. It will confirm lumpectomy or mastectomy. I'll actually have a PET Scan--- the mammography instead of the full tomography. My surgeon has been the only one in the state that has had the PET Scan. Please pray that I can make it through this scary procedure for me without bolting. It will be through IV that they will inject radioactive compounds called a radiotracer into the cancerous tissue which will absorb and accumulate the tissue faster than healthy tissue----there will be the snapshot of the bad cellular activity on both breasts. PEM reveals size, shape, and location of cancer and it is 90% accurate. I am petrified to inject radioactive compounds into me---just my fears. They say there is not much to it----easy for them to say, ha! You just have to exit their office real quick by the back stairs cause you are RADIOACTIVE for 5 hours and don't stop to talk to women and children...and, uh oh, my blood pressure started rising---you mean I am radioactive? Yes. So you know what to pray ISAIAH 46:10 that I will lie still and be still for the hour by myself in the room with compound injected in me. My radioactive body cannot have anyone holding my hand. My fear is being alone in that room. But no, I'm not alone. So, pray I really know the ONE Who will be right there with me holding my hand! God is going to get me through this!

7:45 AM is IV injection on Friday April 17th. Whew!

Cannot thank you enough for walking through this journey with me. This is humbling for me to admit my weakness. But it's a beautiful God Who meets me in my weakness not in my strengths. You may be bothered because I admitted my fears. You may be bothered because I am having a PET scan to pursue surgery. I have to do what I believe my God is leading me to do. Five loaves and two fish in my hands this night. Not much. May HE make it go very far to feed many through all of us.

40 comments:

Sheryl 4/16/2009  

asking God right now to bring you to my mind in the morning. will be praying along with you!

don't ever apologize for what you share on here.

Holly 4/16/2009  

I am praying for you friend...praying and trusting God to grant you the desires of your heart. Hold tightly to the Word that is in your heart and is your Life. He WILL sustain you on your sickbed and you will walk in full health. I'm believing God!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 4/16/2009  

I am praying right now....I know what fear looks like, what it feels like and how it paralyzes me at times. Actually at times I have feared the fear most of all if that makes any sense....You will be in my prayers as I go to bed tonight and all day tomorrow...

annie's eyes 4/16/2009  

You are not alone. That song you sang with Brooke, "I come to the garden alone while the dew is still on the roses, and the Voice I hear falling on my ear the Son of God discloses...and He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..." Sing it if you forget tomorrow. I will be praying during that very hour for you. Sending hugs and prayers and love, Annette

God's Girl 4/16/2009  

I just stumbled upon your blog this evening and I am so thankful. I count it a privilege to pray for you in this time of need.

O Lord, I pray for my sweet sister. I ask that You would fill her with Your peace that passes all understanding. May Your presence be so real to her tomorrow in that room. Would You hold her close as she goes through this difficult proceedure? Give her the strength and the courage she needs as she travels this road before her.

Make Yourself known to her in unexpected sweet ways, I pray.

Thank You Jesus that You hear and respond to the prayers of Your people!

Amen.

May our Heavenly Father give you a testimony of His faithfulness!

Love,
Julie

Meli n Pat 4/16/2009  

I don't blame you for being scared. I would be, too. I will pray and pray that you would have such peace tomorrow that completely settles your fears. Also for miraculous healing!

Sharon 4/17/2009  

Your name has come to the forefront of my mind twice today and I've never even met you - I know it's not a coincidence! It is my privelege and honor to pray for you. My mother has been battling breast cancer the last 7 months and has experienced many of the same feelings you so beautifully articulated in your blog post. God has been faithful in bringing miraculous healing to my mom and I pray for His healing touch over you, too! He is with you, dear Sister. You are not alone! Cling to Jesus as He carries you every step of the way!

Much Love,
Sharon

Karen 4/17/2009  

praying for you this morning, dear one. I know that He will keep you in the palm of His mighty hand this morning.

love,
karen

Toknowhim 4/17/2009  

Praying for you... Trying to do it everytime you come to mind, especially at night...

Your faith to me seems great... May you feel God's presence so close today and beyond...

Love, Kim

annie's eyes 4/17/2009  

Keep singing..."And He walks with me and He talks with me..." I'll keep praying! Love, Annette

connorcolesmom 4/17/2009  

Bev,
This has brought me to tears!
I have constantly prayed for you and even asked my hubby to place you on his prayer list.
I have been awakened many times at night and have instantly prayed for you!
AS a matter of fact last night at 2 AM I was awakened and prayed for an entire hour!
God is so GOOD!
I love that God as showed up to you in so many ways - through the children, through the garden, through friends
Praying for God's peace, comfort, and healing
Much love
Kim

Mary Lou 4/17/2009  

You are in the room right now and I have prayed for you. I wrote a comment and it did not get posted,so I figured it was not supposed to go out. Have come back to say that I have prayed this morning and am praying as you are there right now. As "Annie" said..."He walks with me and He talks to me and He tells me I am His own" and you are His own. He is holding you by His right hand right now...I prayed for you to feel His presence so strongly that it would be as though you were feeling a human touch. It is so evident to me that He has gone before you..the student, the hymnal, the secret garden etc. You are in the palm of His hand....Praying....let us know the outcome of the scan. Love you tons...Mary Lou

fuzzytop 4/17/2009  

Dear Bev,

I'm praying for you....

Love,
Adrienne

beckyjomama 4/17/2009  

I am on my face for you, my sweet, sweet Bev. Praying that God lets Himself be known to you in new and gloriously wonderful ways. Praying that you FEEL His very breath on your face as you lie in that room - soooooo NOT alone! Praying that His peace takes over your very soul and comforts you through every step in this journey. Praying that He sends his agents your way and that you meet so many people acting as "God with skin on" that you forget to wonder if it was Him and just KNOW that it indeed is Him. Praying that you FEEL and HEAR and KNOW His love in all of our prayers, words and acts of comfort.

I love you SO much my sweet friend. And I am here for you!

XOXOXOXOXOX
Becky Jo

marina 4/17/2009  

you are in my prayes right now and I love that song yes he talks with me and he set with me and he tells me I am his,,, keep sing
Is 41;10 fear not there is nothing to fear) for I am with you ;do not look around you in terror and be dismayed , for I am your GOd, I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties yes, I will help you , yes, I will hold Bev up and retain you with my victorious right hand of rightness and justice, God is with you Bev holding you right now fear not. love marirna

Yolanda 4/17/2009  

Bev,

I can't help but think of Job 7:13-14 as this was part of my morning reading just this very day. I so hope that you found youself some what rested this morning prior to having this PET Scan done and that through out this morning that God comforts you, speaks to your very soul, and that you come through this on the OTHER SIDE.

Love to you,
Yolanda

Sheryl 4/17/2009  

My office-mate is having surgery on Tuesday because of uterine cancer. I have read portions of your blog to her.

Thank you for being so transparent before your friends. I am praying so much for you. I will pray the verses you have requested. God is a GOOD God. He will do what is in your best interest.

I pray for health.

Sheryl

Dee 4/17/2009  

Sweet Bev, I am so sorry that I did not receive your post until this morning. I don't have a home computer, just a work computer. However, I am praying for you right now as you are in the midst of your procedure. My heart is so tender towards you, and that tenderness does not compare to the Father's. I pray that He will shelter you under the shadow of His wings. I pray that His presence and comfort will overwhelm you and bring peace to your anxious soul. I'm standing with you in prayer for the requests that you made. Thank you again for your candor. No one can condemn you for your thoughts, and who knows which one of us may be destined for the same journey. It is my privilege to share with you whatever strength and encouragement that the Lord has given me.
Love to you, Sister
Deidra
If you feel comfortable in doing so, I would love to have a home address to send a card as well as an email address.

Just me~ Bobbie Jo 4/17/2009  

I am late in praying before this so I will pray that everything has went well and you were in God's hands.

Anonymous 4/17/2009  

PRAYING! PRAYING! PRAYING! We love you so much!
Kristen W. for LCCS

Yvette 4/17/2009  

I knew you were getting your scan this morning and I had already prayed. But as my children and I were eating breakfast I looked up and one girl got a toy flashlight and had it under her shirt and she said "You can see things when they are lit up." I stopped right there and prayed that God would light up those cancer cells like a beacon for the surgeon! It was like God was directing me in my prayers Bev. I know He heard.

Anonymous 4/17/2009  

Dear Mrs. Bev,
I just wanted you to know you are continually in my mind and prayers throught out this past week. You have been an ever present inspiration to me since I first walked into LCCS almost 10 years ago now. You made me feel so welcome and a part of the LCCS family immediately. You have always been an example to me and I hope that I can now return some encouragement to you. I am praying for peace over you, rest and restful rest and for your chldren. I want you to know that even though you are no longer in our area of Texas you are still very much a part of hearts and we are all standing in support fo you.
With all my prayers, Amy (Jones) Hunsucker

Kim V 4/17/2009  

God is going to restore your health...in His way, in His timing. I pray that your fear and panic (that I remember all too well) will subside. I mean, I am specifically praying for that because it is no fun to feel that way. Even though we completely trust in God the fear can still be overwhelming.

Also...our smallest offerings made to God will always be multiplied by Him!!!

Don't let anyone, doctor or otherwise, try to talk you into a certain treatment. It is completely YOUR decision. All of my doctors "recommended" a lumpectomy because of the type and stage of my cancer. I decided to have a bilateral mastectomy due to my age and other factors. There is no cookie cutter treatment that is right for everyone.

Deuteronomy 4:29 (The Message)

29-31 But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them.

Nan 4/17/2009  

I am so thankful that could rest in Him during the PET scan! Evidence of His amazing love for you, dear friend. LCCS loves you and is praying in agreement with your requests all the time!
Nancy Purtell
(I am Nan on blogspot in case I forget to add my name in a future post.)

twinkle 4/17/2009  

Bev,
I would have held your radioactive hand all through this procedure if I could have, sweet siesta.
Would you please do me a favor? Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you with His Presence when you are fighting fear and panic.
Pray often asking the Holy Spirit to bear His Fruit in you. I've learned that sometimes, when things are really personal and overwhelming, it's The Holy Spirit that meets my needs in a comforting way. The Spirit. Of God. Holy. Holy. Holy.
I pray that your valley would be so fertile. I pray that your tears will grow mighty oaks of righteousness. I believe and will pray for healing...every day...until God reveals a different outcome. WE must believe that He can and He will. Until His Will is made evident.
You are safe and secure no matter the outcome. I love that about our salvation...

Fran 4/17/2009  

Oh Bev...
I just want you to know that you are constantly on my heart and being prayed over many times throughout the day.

I love you so...
Fran

Anonymous 4/17/2009  

Bev,

I will be praying for you. I will pray that you find peace in your battle with cancer. Nicole shared with us several days ago about the cancer and we all are praying for you and your family during this time.

Rick's brother is a doctor in Austin. His wife is really great and might be of some help on getting medical information. If you would like their contact info I can get it to you.

God Bless.

Lynn Dornak
817/219-2841

Moose Mama 4/17/2009  

You are still in my prayers, Bev.

Cancer sucks.

Melana

Bobbie 4/17/2009  

Praying that today went well, He's still walking with you and talking with you! May God keep you in His loving arms.

Blessings, Bobbie

ocean mommy 4/18/2009  

Just want you to know that I am still praying.

Love you so much....
steph.

Ang baylis 4/18/2009  

How are you doing, Bev? Just checking in to tell you that you are on my mind this Saturday evening! Hope you are relaxing and feeling His peace!
Love you,
Angie xoxo

Josh Ray 4/18/2009  

Bev,
Bob called earlier this afternoon. Necole and the kids and I will be praying for you.
Josh Ray

Profbaugh 4/18/2009  

Bev,

Just stopping by to telling you I've been praying. You're very much on my mind and heart right now.

Much love,
~Cheryl

Little Millie 4/19/2009  

Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I found out this week that another dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer.

When I was helping to take care of one special friend the first time she had cancer7 years ago, the Lord spoke to me through a very familiar Psalm. In Psalm 23 - you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I started thinking that I didn't have any enemies. But then I remembered that I had an enemy in cancer. And I thought about what it is like to sit at dinner with you enemies in complete assurance that the one who prepared the meal will take care of you. It gave me the strength to look cancer in the face and say you will not defeat me.

Shonda 4/19/2009  

Bev,
I want you to know that I'm praying for you.
Lots of love-
Shonda

Kathy 4/20/2009  

Bev, I just "happened" on your blog tonight. I feel the Lord directed me here, and I am going to be praying for you. I don't know what it is like to face the fear that a cancer diagnosis brings. I have experienced, though, that no matter how hard the circumstances of our life, our God is good! I pray that you will feel His nearness and His goodness, and that in the midst of the scariness of all you are going through, He will give you joy. He loves you so much! Praying for you, dear sister!

Transparent Mama 4/20/2009  

Oh sweet girl, you are not alone. You have your Lord holding your hand as well as many faithful Chrisitian blogging friends. I pray His perfect peace over you and protection over you from lies of the enemy.

TJ 4/20/2009  

I will be praying for you.

lisasmith 4/23/2009  

Bev,

Wanted to let you know I am praying for you tonight...and many other times as the Lord brings you to my mind.

May our God of peace and our Hope, Jesus Christ be very near to you today, an ever present help in time of need.

Love, lisa

ask4plastic.com 5/14/2009  

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Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
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I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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