Five Loaves and Two Fish

Desperate for prayer this Thursday evening. Been dealing with crashing waves of overwhelming fear of the unknown. It's the evening watch that is getting to me. Nighttime terrors. I have no words to say how much your prayers have meant to me. I have no words to say how much your words sink deep into places in my heart and make me wrestle with the beautiful God I so worship.

TWO PRAYERS REQUESTS:

1.) MAY OUR PRAYERS MOVE THE HANDS OF GOD. Could God change HIS mind about this cancer stuff? Pray 2 Chron 33:12,13 - "And when Manasseh was in distress, he entreated the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before God. He prayed to HIM and God was moved by His prayer and heard his plea and brought him back. Would you pray that God bring me back to health again? I wonder if our prayers might change His mind? And I accept whatever way that HE will do just that. Human agents. Miraculous intervention.

2.) MAY GOD MAKE MY OFFERING GO REALLY FAR.....FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH - John 6:9. I have little to give to my Beautiful God. I can't even surrender right in my terror. Can't stop the panic attacks. My first procedure to prepare for surgery starts tomorrow and I am paralyzed in fear. I'm having a PET Scan and while it may be uneventful for most, I embrace overwhelming fear. Pray that the smallness of what I offer to my good God----pray HE will make it go so far.5:00 am this morning I was awakened in terror. Landed on the floor. Crying out to the beautiful God I so love. Waves of fear washed over me as I lay fainting. Seems so surreal that sweet slumber is stolen and traded for conscious chaos. I forced myself off the floor back into the bed and surrendered, trying to be still in a body that's not cooperating with me....but there was peace that moment (wondered if anyone was praying) and I fell back asleep. Night terrors.

The phone call came in another hour to substitute teach. "Would you give me the strength to do it today, God?" Yes... and I bounded out the bed and so loved every minute of looking into faces of beautiful teens who are searching for their God and finding HIM so real. One student today told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend whom he really liked cause it was interrupting his relationship with his God. I love being with these kids. A few of my son's friends knew I had cancer and privately expressed overwhelming love to me. It was a day of real joy for me.I had a moment of panic after lunch and I slipped into the bathroom to pray and there lay a hymnal on the counter. I opened it straight to the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead" and the tears fell as a balm of peace literally poured over me, Jeremiah 8:22. Yes, there's a balm for the wounded soul. God knows my frame and the machine I've had to drive through this life. He's looking for my faith---and maybe my fledgling faith may be expressed a little different than your strong sure faith. Let me borrow a little from you.

When I went to leave school, overwhelming fears washed over me again, and I walked around the block straight into a secret garden I'd never seen before. Pristine and fragranced and intriguing, I lingered in the garden cause HE brought me there while fresh fallen rain shined on the roses. And I thought of a song from our childhood that Blair and I would sing when she was a preschooler---I went to the garden to pray...and the VOICE I hear falling on my ears, the Son of God....He was there. I could smell Him.

Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will smooth out the sheets on a bed in a doctor's office on Mo-Pac. I'll invite my beautiful God to sit right there with me. I'll be alone with HIM for a few hours. No one can come in the room with me because of the radioactivity. The procedure is a PET (positron emission tomography) Scan which scans your body for the cancerous tumors and gives the surgeon a map for my upcoming surgery. It will confirm lumpectomy or mastectomy. I'll actually have a PET Scan--- the mammography instead of the full tomography. My surgeon has been the only one in the state that has had the PET Scan. Please pray that I can make it through this scary procedure for me without bolting. It will be through IV that they will inject radioactive compounds called a radiotracer into the cancerous tissue which will absorb and accumulate the tissue faster than healthy tissue----there will be the snapshot of the bad cellular activity on both breasts. PEM reveals size, shape, and location of cancer and it is 90% accurate. I am petrified to inject radioactive compounds into me---just my fears. They say there is not much to it----easy for them to say, ha! You just have to exit their office real quick by the back stairs cause you are RADIOACTIVE for 5 hours and don't stop to talk to women and children...and, uh oh, my blood pressure started rising---you mean I am radioactive? Yes. So you know what to pray ISAIAH 46:10 that I will lie still and be still for the hour by myself in the room with compound injected in me. My radioactive body cannot have anyone holding my hand. My fear is being alone in that room. But no, I'm not alone. So, pray I really know the ONE Who will be right there with me holding my hand! God is going to get me through this!

7:45 AM is IV injection on Friday April 17th. Whew!

Cannot thank you enough for walking through this journey with me. This is humbling for me to admit my weakness. But it's a beautiful God Who meets me in my weakness not in my strengths. You may be bothered because I admitted my fears. You may be bothered because I am having a PET scan to pursue surgery. I have to do what I believe my God is leading me to do. Five loaves and two fish in my hands this night. Not much. May HE make it go very far to feed many through all of us.