Birdseed for Breakfast

I'll remember this glorious Easter for the rest of my life. Cancer diagnosis. Hands held high singing "Jesus Paid It All" and tears streaming down.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness,
WATCH and PRAY,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Here's two prayer requests:

I have very little strength within me to walk this road of cancer. I read Saturday on Beth's blog the quote from Melissa that means so much to me: "He knows it is scary to be me." I have been diagnosed with two different breast cancers and one is an aggressive, invasive one that goes into the bloodstream. Invasive ductal carcinoma. IDC. Don't know the stage or size yet. I do know that I also have Stage 1 DCIS Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. I've learned more in the past 72 hours about cancer than I ever wanted to know. It's overwhelming. You are your own manager of your care pulling together a team of doctors: breast surgeon, oncologist, radiologist oncologist, plastic surgeon (I'm a keloid former) and the list goes on. I'm in a new city, unfamiliar to the Austin medical world. Very familiar to the Great Physician though. I've talked at length with several survivors of breast cancer this weekend. Again, that's overwhelming. I'm on info overload but I am also ignorant in many ways of what this battle involves. All I can do is trust my good God to direct my steps. The battle is His. This morning I read in Psalm 62:11 God spoke one thing but I heard two things: HE is strong. HE is loving. That's what I keep hearing over and over in the cyclone of the past 72 hours. HE will meet me in my weakness. It's not about my strength in being an overcomer, a survivor---it's all about HIS Strength being perfected in weakness. I am so weak this morning. That's a good place to be.

So, my prayer requests for this Monday morning is twofold if God leads you to pray for me:
1. PRAY FOR A TEAM OF DOCTORS (Psalm 1---not the counsel of the wicked but delight in the law of the LORD). Pray for God to lead me to the team of physicians that would be best for me. I am going for second opinions on surgeons---I want to find a surgeon that only does breast surgery. When I learned that my surgeon does gallbladders, I just have to see if God will direct me to one who is only looking at cancer cells all day long.
2. PRAY FOR MY BODY TO BE ABLE TO SURRENDER TO SWEET SLEEP EACH NIGHT (Psalm 92:2). Pray 2Kings 6: 16, 17 that God would open my eyes to see that my beautiful God, my suffering Savior, and comforting Holy Spirit and His host of angels are greater within me than ALL that surrounds me. I need to be able to sleep at night and that's my battle.

I have had waves of debilitating panic come over me this weekend that I cannot even explain. I absolutely refuse to synchronize with anything that is not of my beautiful God Who loves me so. But how do I stop the panic? Friday morning I was awakened with fainting spells, vasovagal syncope. A familiar condition to me. Fainting happens to me in the middle of the night when I haven't been sleeping and/or eating right and am under stress and pain---I am awakened and begin fainting. It is so scary and when I am unconscious and wake up---it feels like I am dying. I spent Friday physically feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck the entire day. It happened again Sunday afternoon as I slipped into depression. Three years ago when we went through a crisis, the fainting started happening all the time and I spiraled into a very deep depression. I am not willing to go there if I can do anything to help on my part by diet and sleeping right and letting God help me deal with this overwhelming stress of the unknown and what is known. We don't know the size of the tumor. Don't know the stage---it's an aggressive invasive type that goes to the bloodstream. Don't know the margins.

So, I'm walking two hours every day. Cancer does not live in oxygenated cells (I read that quote in Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" which I read when it first came out---and it stuck with me.) When I heard cancer, I knew I also needed to start eating right....no sugars, no fast food, no red meats, no artificial stuff, organic and lots of water. That's about all I can handle for right now. I just ate a bowl of boiled oats for breakfast with flaxseed and remarked to Bob: "You put way too much of this bird seed stuff in this---gag." I'll learn how to do this. Cancer feeds on sugar. In the past six months, I have CRAVED sugar for the first time in my life...I know why now.

We are still new to the Austin area but have been embraced by our awesome church body even in this news. It will be best for me to post on this blog, when I can, to ask those of you who want to help me through prayer and those of you who truly want to know about how I am doing---not to judge me but to walk alongside of me as a fellow struggler in life. I just won't be able to return all the e-mail's and texts and comments. In some ways I am by myself in dealing with this. I am open to friends calling and helping me---it will be hard for me to find you but you know where I am. If what I say bothers you, then don't read my blog. This is who I am. Maybe I am wrong in some of the things I write, I don't know. I am trying to find my beautiful God in the midst of my fears. I will listen to my loving LORD. I just know that I love my beautiful God with all my heart and am desperate for Him and His Glory in my life. We are connected to a lot of people and I don't know how else to do this. I have had over 100 phone calls and e-mail's and haven't been able to answer them all. Keep trying if you need to get to me. I was simply overwhelmed in gratitude with the response on my last post. Your comments meant so much to me and I will read them again and again. I had no idea so many people would respond and your words sink in my mind, my thoughts, my heart into deep parts! Psalm 51:6

After our Easter service yesterday, I felt led, actually really compelled, to go to Austin Stone Church. I'm listening to every prompting God says to me! The service ended with "cardboard testimonies" (google "cardboard testimony" if you've never seen it done---it's on Tangle.com, originating from Willow Creek). One breast cancer survivor spoke on this "cardboard testimony" video about being broken and her oncologist was on the video with her. I'm going to check him out. Never imagined that I'd find a doctor referral at an Easter service.

I am terrified at taking medicine, anesthesia, MRI's, surgery---again, if you think I am wrong in saying that, you certainly can tell me, but please be gentle with me---I'm a bruised and brutally honest person and your faith takes you so far. This is all about relationship with the ONE I adore---no fixes. The answer is not about slapping a Scripture verse on my problems. Nor is it about being positive and shoving everything down. I am going to wrestle and find the beautiful God I so love that seems so distant at times even in this, a very dark night of my soul and it's only been 72 hours. It's okay. He's a good God in all my horror, and He's not safe. But, this I know: Psalm 62:11 He is strong in all my weakness and fears and failures. He is loving. He's here. I deeply appreciate your prayers for me if God leads you that way.

WATCH and PRAY with me.
Find in HIM our all in all.