Wednesday, April 22, 2009

HE is at my right hand------------------------------------the one with the IV in it!

Carried on a Cloud...that's how I felt walking into the PEM Scan on Friday. Handed the doctor my left arm and they said: "Oh no, it must be in your right." And God spoke to me through the verses I had just read in my Quiet Time that morning...Psalm 16: 7,8 HE will counsel me. Even at night (when I have no control) my heart instructs me. Because HE is at my right Hand, I will not be shaken. And I can honestly say that the Presence of the beautiful God I so serve and love overwhelmed me in that scary I-V moment handing over my right arm. HE was there. I made it through 40 minutes in a mammogram machine without moving and that's a miracle in itself....I cranked up the IPOD real loud to drown out the noise and just randomly scanned through my playlist and up popped Beth Moore talking about how God says 365 times DO NOT BE AFRAID and she said there's a reason why He said it so many time. (hey, that's one for every day of the year!) Beth talked about how HE KNOWS the scary things we face. He spoke such peace to my claustrophobic soul in that mammogram machine, frozen for forty minutes. Then I listened to a Dan Allender sermon about embracing damage and harm in a fallen world and embracing our good God Who is inviting me to rest in His Love and Comfort. Then I rocked out on Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. The radiologist told me that as she put on her glove, she asked God's hand to be in her hand. And she gave me a good word---God wants you to know that HE used mud to heal the blind man----God used human agents so trust HIM through them. Whew! The PEM Scan was over but I had made one more choice to move to my beautiful God and not be in control of my own life. This "control issue" is big for me. And as I moved toward HIM, I so sensed His Presence right there at my right hand. The RESULTS of the PEM Scan came back this Monday. The tumor is 1.3cm but the larger mass that has metastasized is 1.2 X 1.3 X 1.2---little larger than I expected. Surgery was supposed to be May 3rd but my doctor is out of town and the nurse thinks she is booked through May 14th. And I think I can't wait that long!

Kid in a Candy Shop...that's how I feel sometimes. So many choices of what I "want." And the candy shopowner says "Which ONE do you want?" God, I "want" the best doctors. God, I "want" all the cancer to be ripped out of my body. God, I "want" friends to walk with me through this. God, I "want" to know the best plan to take care of my body. God, I "want" good news. So, I vacillate among my wants and it produces no inner peace if the wants are not met. I keep thinking about Francis Schaeffer's comment when his body was ridden with cancer and someone inquired about whether God was healing him. He responded that it was entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of God----I'm remembering that quote from reading "How Should We Then Live" in 1975 so I may have it wrong. Thirty four years I've held that quote in my memory bank. The key word is "DEMAND." God is not my Shopowner. God is not my Butler. God is not my Santa Claus. He's the Great "I AM." I am your peace. I am your joy. Way down deep, HE is stirring in me a deeper inner Joy, a deeper inner Peace----not based on my circumstances....not based on when the news is good, when the news is bad. And YES, we can ask HIM for anything. Lay all my requests on His Lap. Lay my head on that empty chair next to me. HE is here. HE is bending His ear. Oh my soul, don't linger on the list of wants, but find the Great I AM in the midst of this. Don't try to figure it all out. Move forward, oh my soul, to find that inner peace, inner joy that isn't ruffled by the news of the day. He Himself is our Peace. Ephesians 2:14.

Hamster in a Cage...Know how sometimes they just run around in circles? I'm trying to put together 9 doctors in one week on my cancer team. Some don't return your calls. Some look at you like you are crazy. I cross them off the list. I get down and pray some more that God leads me to the right ones. When I walked into the office of the medical oncologist on Monday, I was the first appointment of the day. There were 60 empty chairs on the 1st floor and 60 empty chairs on the 2nd floor. I wept over the stories that would sit in those soon-to-be-filled chairs that day. I had no idea so many people wrestle with cancer. No IDEA. I walked around touching the empty chairs and praying for HOPE to come through their veins, their minds, their hearts. And my mind raced ahead to the day that I will sit there waiting for my treatment of radiation or chemo wrestling not with cancer but wrestling with my beautiful God Who will carry me through as I face futile moments. The only real futility in life is a day without God. Futility may increase but His Joy will increase too. Chaos may come but His Peace will pervade---and a verse comes to mind Heb 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE (future) we profess, for HE Who promised is faithful (just look at the past). I'll continue to move toward God and move toward those who are "missing" my heart and offer love. People have some really strange explanations of why we suffer and say some crazy things. We want to protect God's reputation---how ludicrous. Jesus Himself grappled with the agony of this life and how people treated him. But when we move toward Him and away from being in control and fixing our problems and solving every dilemma, then we move into LIGHT. I refuse to stay in the hamster trail even though the move ahead may be lonely.

So I'm still scared to pieces over here. And HE keeps sending people and verses and things to say "Fear Not." A siesta blogger from Houston drove to see me yesterday to bring me a homemade quiche and hope and courage. Guess Which Siesta? I'll blog about it next time as this is way too long. I can't thank you enough for all your cards and texts and e-mails and comments. God is using you to carry me through this. I am having to work full-time so I can't respond to every call, every message but I hear them and hold them close to my heavy heart. Can I ask you to pray two things for me?

1. Isaiah 40:2 that HE raise up my valleys (still can't sleep at night) and make my mountains low (still terrified of anesthesia) that HE may be glorified!

2. James 4:8 that I draw near to God and HE draws near to me. What do I want more than drawing near to my beautiful God? Do I want to be healed more than drawing near to HIM? Do I want what I want when I want it? May I want nothing more than drawing near to God.

30 comments:

Anonymous 4/22/2009  

Oh, Bev, I am so glad to see this post. I've checked every day almost since April 16 for new info. I called you today and left a message.....oh, I guess siesta Annette, but I thought she would bring jello!!!!

Bev, I love you so much. Please know that I will be praying every day for you and many times during the day and night.

This is one of my favorite songs and I pray it brings peace to your heart.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXsiWoyjw60

Love, Jean

Sheryl 4/22/2009  

so glad to see a post from you and so glad to have specific things to be praying for you.

i prayed like crazy when i knew you were going to be spending time in "the machine". they terrify me, i am claustrophobic and each time i am sure i will not be able to be still. (i am not trying to make this about me, i've never had a cancer diagnosis) but i wanted you to know that i empathized with your fear that day.

i will be praying!

beckyjomama 4/22/2009  

Sweet Bev, I just love ya so stinkin much. You are being carried on the wings of so many prayers - straight to the arms of the Great Physician. You are so very loved, by so, so many.

I know God will walk every single step of this journey with you.

XOXOXOXOXOX
Becky JO

Patty 4/22/2009  

Bev,
I love you and I pray that God will pour His peace all over you and give you strength and energy in abundance.

Love you!
Patty

Fluff Your 4/22/2009  

Hi friend,

I so enjoyed our long chat Monday. Sorry we got disconected while I was praying. God and I finished without you. :-)

I'll absolutely pray Is. 40 and James 4,

Love you so much!

Lorrie

Bobbie 4/22/2009  

It's wonderful to hear from you! I've been praying and checking in several times a day to see how your tests went.

I will gladly pray the verses for you--not sleeping has got to take it's toll! I also pray that you will feel His peace through this whole ordeal.

Blessings, Bobbie

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 4/22/2009  

So glad to see a post. Praying for you each day..

Teresa

Jessica 4/22/2009  

Bev -

Praying for you tons. So sorry we haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Know that I'm praying for you.

If you need ANYTHING don't hesitate to call.

Love you,
Jess

Mary Lou 4/23/2009  

Bev, so thankful to see a post from you. Praising Him with you that He was right there with you holding you by your right hand and all the other answers to prayers. He truly has gone before you and will continue to do so. Will pray as you ask. Blessing God for all you write and how you honor and glorify Him with your words. Will pray those scriptures over and over for you and over you.
I bet all odds IF I were a betting woman..that it was Siesta Annette of Annie's Eyes who came to see you with food. Sounds like something she would do. I did email her and she emailed me back that she had talked to you last week, so I think it was here. She is a sweetie...just like you. You both have such a heart for Him and such a way with words to bless all of us. May we all draw nearer to God as we pray for you and may we all learn more of Him daily. Blessing...love and much prayer and hugs....Because He lives...Mary Lou

Toknowhim 4/23/2009  

Love you so :) Love your heart towards God :) Will continue to pray for you my dear friend :)

Kim

Kim V 4/23/2009  

Thanks for the update. I remember the days in those machines. I had 2 different MRI's and had to lay flat on my stomach with my arms stretched out like superman for 1 1/2 hours...NOT FUN!!!

I was wondering what your decision for surgery is. If you would like more details of what I went through, please ask and I will gladly share.

Please know that I am praying like crazy for you and your family.

fuzzytop 4/23/2009  

Bev - Just want you to know we are praying for you....

Love,
Adrienne

connorcolesmom 4/23/2009  

Sweet Bev,
I wish it were me that had visited you
I have thought about it for sure :)
I can see God all over this and just know He is holding you close!
I am so thankful that He loves us so much!
I continue to pray for you and for God to bring the DRs He wants to care for you.
Much love
Kim

gena 4/23/2009  

Hi Bev,

I found your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend...........anyway doesn't matter. The truth is God led me to your blog. Your courage and strength have been inspiring and a blessing to me. Please know I am praying for you.

With joy in HIM,
gena

Shonda 4/23/2009  

Bev,
I am praying for you. I can see through your posts that your strength comes from the Lord. His beauty radiates through you onto this computer screen. I am so moved how you prayed over all those chairs and the people who would fill them that day. I can guess which Siesta--Annette. I hope and pray you two had or are having a great time together.
Lots of hugs and love!
Shonda

Anonymous 4/23/2009  

Bev, my prayer for you today...
God, I ask that the fragrance of Your love will fill Bev today. I ask that You flood her with PEACE. Thank you that promise sleep to Your beloved. I ask that You clothe Bev in your peace each night. I pray that Your grace would be the blanket that covers her. I ask that Bev know Your nearness in a very fresh and tangible way.

We will continue to stand and pray.
Love you!
Kristen W (LCCS)

Dee 4/23/2009  

It was so good to see your post this morning. I have been checking so often for an update. I praise the Lord for His sweetness to you. How you have touched my heart! Thank you for praying for those who would occupy those empty chairs. What an empathetic heart. I have been praying for you and will continue. I am truly grateful that God is faithful to His word. I love Malachi 3:16, and I hope you will also be encouraged with it.
Love and prayers,
Deidra

Holly 4/23/2009  

Beve, when I read this-- "I walked around touching the empty chairs and praying for HOPE to come through their veins, their minds, their hearts."--I smiled for God knows even in the hardest of circumstances, you will still pour yourself out for others and pray for them. I love that about you, friend.

I am praying for you this day! I can picture the Houston Siesta's face, but cannot remember her name. Is it "Annie's Eyes?"

Love you!
Holly

Yolanda 4/23/2009  

Bev,

I hear and read stories of the Faithful, and I do believe YOU are one of them, even in the midst of your current, you give me so much HOPE as you HOPE and draw near to OUR God!

Thank you for sharing your journey and what a privilege it is to pray for you and go before the throne asking God to show Himself in you and to you and for you.

Lovingly,
Yolanda

annie's eyes 4/23/2009  

Who would have thought something that could consume your every thought could be made into an opportunity to pray for others as they go through the same thing. He's such a mighty God we serve. And He is all over you right now. You bless me more than you could possibly know this side of heaven. Love and prayers, Annette

Ang baylis 4/23/2009  

I am praying that your faith continues to grow through this whole season. I loved how you said He is not your Shopowner... or Butler... or Santa Clause. I'm in awe how He brought you and Annette together for such a time as this! Keep clinging to Him, Bev. You continue to inspire me more than you know! He is the Great, "I AM". He can do what He says He can do! I'm Praising God for all He does through a computer screen! I wish I could do more for you, but for now I'm going to keep praying for you!
Much love,
Angie xoxo

Karen 4/23/2009  

I am praying for you, dear one. Stand firm and hang on to His wonderful hands!

love,
karen

twinkle 4/23/2009  

Thank God for the nurse sharing her words with you!
Thank God for the Houston Siesta ministering to you through food and fellowship!
Thank God for those who will benefit from your prayers poured out over their chairs!
Thank God for His LIGHT shining in you!

Some wring their hands in despair when faced with adversity. You are a witness to others of the difference Christ makes in your life.

Those messages and songs on your iPod...how comforting they must have been. God has you in His Hands. I will be praying for you and believing God for a miracle of healing. He is the best Physician you could EVER find!

Transparent Mama 4/23/2009  

I have this picture of you sitting in His lap, arms enveloping you.

Anonymous 4/24/2009  

Dear Bev,

All I can say is, God trusts you with this. He will be glorified.
dear Job put it so well, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."

Praying that you will continue to shine, even in the dark of night. May His blessings continue to pour down upon you and your family. With Love from a sister in Christ, Patti

Kristin 4/24/2009  

I loved hearing about how God so showed up for you during your appointment. Continuing to pray for peace and rest and wisdom for all the decisions that need to be made.
I made my siesta scripture verse for this time the one I found in Proverbs 4:20-22 that made me think of you. I wanted to have it in my head because that is what I am praying for you...that God's words would continue to be life to you and health to your whole body!
I love you, Kristin

Sallye 4/24/2009  

Bev,

So gald to see an update, and I will add Is 40 and James to the list of scriptures that I am praying over you.

Praying,
Sallye

Gayla 4/24/2009  

Bev, I am Gayla Davis (Lauren's mom) I went through this 3 years ago this May. It was a little over a month between my finding the tumor and my surgery, but finding the right doctors was important, and their schedules don't always match ours. But waiting was OK. I had always said I would never have chemo, but I did. Some things were scary, and some hurt, but few were as bad as I had imagined. If you would like to chat, my e-mail is gaylafaye@gmail.com and my cell number is 281-435-9249. I will say that at some of my darkest moments, I could feel the prayers of my friends, especially when I did not have the strength to pray for myself. I will pray for you.

Sharon Brumfield 4/24/2009  

I just love your heart....I knew it was big...but to see that it is being filled mightily with the Holy Spirit.....praise God!

I thank Him for the mighty testimony that is flowing through your body. Testimony of those who will meet Him face to face by meeting you. And I thank Him for the same Spirit who dwells in you...the same one who raised Jesus from the tomb that people thought would keep Him.

Nothing in the heavens or on earth rules our God and the destiny He has planned for His Children. You keep walking and we will keep baking you in prayer.
Praying for you as you have prayed for other. Hope girl...hope flowing tirelessly.

Nan 4/26/2009  

I wish it was possible to get away to see you and Bob while I am in Austin. I am happy to know that you are staying busy and should have realized that it would be difficult for me to get away during an accreditation visit.

I have a nudge to pray that the Lord would send reinforcements to the ranks of angels watching over your nights that you might find a continually growing peace that brings sleep. Much love and many blessings,
Nancy

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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