HE is at my right hand------------------------------------the one with the IV in it!

Carried on a Cloud...that's how I felt walking into the PEM Scan on Friday. Handed the doctor my left arm and they said: "Oh no, it must be in your right." And God spoke to me through the verses I had just read in my Quiet Time that morning...Psalm 16: 7,8 HE will counsel me. Even at night (when I have no control) my heart instructs me. Because HE is at my right Hand, I will not be shaken. And I can honestly say that the Presence of the beautiful God I so serve and love overwhelmed me in that scary I-V moment handing over my right arm. HE was there. I made it through 40 minutes in a mammogram machine without moving and that's a miracle in itself....I cranked up the IPOD real loud to drown out the noise and just randomly scanned through my playlist and up popped Beth Moore talking about how God says 365 times DO NOT BE AFRAID and she said there's a reason why He said it so many time. (hey, that's one for every day of the year!) Beth talked about how HE KNOWS the scary things we face. He spoke such peace to my claustrophobic soul in that mammogram machine, frozen for forty minutes. Then I listened to a Dan Allender sermon about embracing damage and harm in a fallen world and embracing our good God Who is inviting me to rest in His Love and Comfort. Then I rocked out on Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. The radiologist told me that as she put on her glove, she asked God's hand to be in her hand. And she gave me a good word---God wants you to know that HE used mud to heal the blind man----God used human agents so trust HIM through them. Whew! The PEM Scan was over but I had made one more choice to move to my beautiful God and not be in control of my own life. This "control issue" is big for me. And as I moved toward HIM, I so sensed His Presence right there at my right hand. The RESULTS of the PEM Scan came back this Monday. The tumor is 1.3cm but the larger mass that has metastasized is 1.2 X 1.3 X 1.2---little larger than I expected. Surgery was supposed to be May 3rd but my doctor is out of town and the nurse thinks she is booked through May 14th. And I think I can't wait that long!

Kid in a Candy Shop...that's how I feel sometimes. So many choices of what I "want." And the candy shopowner says "Which ONE do you want?" God, I "want" the best doctors. God, I "want" all the cancer to be ripped out of my body. God, I "want" friends to walk with me through this. God, I "want" to know the best plan to take care of my body. God, I "want" good news. So, I vacillate among my wants and it produces no inner peace if the wants are not met. I keep thinking about Francis Schaeffer's comment when his body was ridden with cancer and someone inquired about whether God was healing him. He responded that it was entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of God----I'm remembering that quote from reading "How Should We Then Live" in 1975 so I may have it wrong. Thirty four years I've held that quote in my memory bank. The key word is "DEMAND." God is not my Shopowner. God is not my Butler. God is not my Santa Claus. He's the Great "I AM." I am your peace. I am your joy. Way down deep, HE is stirring in me a deeper inner Joy, a deeper inner Peace----not based on my circumstances....not based on when the news is good, when the news is bad. And YES, we can ask HIM for anything. Lay all my requests on His Lap. Lay my head on that empty chair next to me. HE is here. HE is bending His ear. Oh my soul, don't linger on the list of wants, but find the Great I AM in the midst of this. Don't try to figure it all out. Move forward, oh my soul, to find that inner peace, inner joy that isn't ruffled by the news of the day. He Himself is our Peace. Ephesians 2:14.

Hamster in a Cage...Know how sometimes they just run around in circles? I'm trying to put together 9 doctors in one week on my cancer team. Some don't return your calls. Some look at you like you are crazy. I cross them off the list. I get down and pray some more that God leads me to the right ones. When I walked into the office of the medical oncologist on Monday, I was the first appointment of the day. There were 60 empty chairs on the 1st floor and 60 empty chairs on the 2nd floor. I wept over the stories that would sit in those soon-to-be-filled chairs that day. I had no idea so many people wrestle with cancer. No IDEA. I walked around touching the empty chairs and praying for HOPE to come through their veins, their minds, their hearts. And my mind raced ahead to the day that I will sit there waiting for my treatment of radiation or chemo wrestling not with cancer but wrestling with my beautiful God Who will carry me through as I face futile moments. The only real futility in life is a day without God. Futility may increase but His Joy will increase too. Chaos may come but His Peace will pervade---and a verse comes to mind Heb 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE (future) we profess, for HE Who promised is faithful (just look at the past). I'll continue to move toward God and move toward those who are "missing" my heart and offer love. People have some really strange explanations of why we suffer and say some crazy things. We want to protect God's reputation---how ludicrous. Jesus Himself grappled with the agony of this life and how people treated him. But when we move toward Him and away from being in control and fixing our problems and solving every dilemma, then we move into LIGHT. I refuse to stay in the hamster trail even though the move ahead may be lonely.

So I'm still scared to pieces over here. And HE keeps sending people and verses and things to say "Fear Not." A siesta blogger from Houston drove to see me yesterday to bring me a homemade quiche and hope and courage. Guess Which Siesta? I'll blog about it next time as this is way too long. I can't thank you enough for all your cards and texts and e-mails and comments. God is using you to carry me through this. I am having to work full-time so I can't respond to every call, every message but I hear them and hold them close to my heavy heart. Can I ask you to pray two things for me?

1. Isaiah 40:2 that HE raise up my valleys (still can't sleep at night) and make my mountains low (still terrified of anesthesia) that HE may be glorified!

2. James 4:8 that I draw near to God and HE draws near to me. What do I want more than drawing near to my beautiful God? Do I want to be healed more than drawing near to HIM? Do I want what I want when I want it? May I want nothing more than drawing near to God.