The Invisible Hand

“I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the Goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalm 27: 13, 14. This is a tough post to write but I would so love for you to walk with me on this journey of life... so here goes.

I went for a routine mammogram. Showed a suspicious tumor. They told me to find a surgeon. We don’t even have a regular doctor here in Austin, much less a surgeon as we have lived here such a short time.

Began asking several women who have dealt with breast cancer for recommendations. Five different women recommended the same surgeon with an unusually sophisticated name. Wondered if he took new patients?? Saturday night, Bob and I went to a reception. We were supposed to be at Table 28 but they moved us to Table 32---right next to this surgeon. I took ONE LOOK at his name tag and there was that sophisticated name. I gasped and blurted out: “Are you a surgeon? (Knowing that you don’t talk to doctors at parties about their work!) I thought---I can still encourage the doctor and call his office Monday morning. I told him that five women from five different walks of life had highly recommended him as a surgeon and that he must really honor his God as he so helped these five women and gave them hope. A nurse friend of mine was standing right there and she threw in: “And Bev needs you to be her surgeon.” This doctor graciously offered to serve me. Unbelievable. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I so experienced the presence of God in that moment for me.

Well, I don’t know what the next step is…but I know the One Who holds my hand this night. Today, God gave me the verse 2Chron 20:12 that says: We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on YOU. We were sitting at a banquet in Houston tonight --- Britt was a state finalist in the Prudential Spirit of Community Award and I felt well enough to drive with Bob and Britt to the awards dinner at the Junior League in Houston. (My biopsy was yesterday and it was terribly scary but went well---it was a Psalm 91:11 experience for me.)

Supposedly, we were going to receive the results from the surgeon on Thursday at 2pm. But as I sat watching my son, three different doctors called me during the banquet so I excused myself and took one of the calls. Malignant tumor. Carcinoma. Invasive cancer. Move aggressively. The words you hope you never hear stunned me as I stood in an unfamiliar Junior League hallway. Psalm 27: 13, 14 was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind. I believe I will see the Goodness of God even in this. Help my unbelief. And I thought about how God meets us in our weakness, not in our strength. This isn’t about how strong I can be for myself and for my kids and others. His Strength will be made perfect in all my weaknesses. I can't figure everything out. Some of you may be uncomfortable with what I share but this is who I am. I offer myself to you and I offer my pain to my LORD. No solutions...only a sovereign God Who lavishes Love on me incredibly in all my mess---oh, but what a glorious mess I am over here. His beloved. Marked. Taken. Held. Carried.

I’ve only thought about this for an hour or so. Maybe I'll take back some of these thoughts, maybe not. We are on the way home in the car driving back to Austin. It’s terribly scary. But I can say, Psalm 3:3, HE is the lifter of my head. I’m going to do what I know HE wants and that is remain dependent on HIM and do all I can to take care of this temple He invades. I’ll never drink another coke again. Smile. Small thing---but I sense a higher calling to take care of myself. A wake-up call to take better care. No other way to do this. Cause either I am depending on HIM to come through for me or on myself to be an overcomer, a survivor. And don’t get me wrong here, I’ll do everything I can nutrition and info and diet and exercise to beat it and maintain my health----but, my next breath is dependent on the ONE I so love and adore. No secret or surprise to Him.

So I ask you to pray for me and walk with me on this journey. You guys have meant so much to me. God has used so many of you to touch deep parts within. I welcome any e-mail’s. But more than anything, I’d so love your prayers for me as I face a very scary diagnosis and trust a very good God in the midst. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of my beautiful God---even in this! And, I’ve already seen His Invisible Hand.