We were eating crawfish at Papadeaux's in Dallas when Britt called to say that school and his track meet were cancelled. What!!!??? It's noon in March! So unlikely. Wasn't it 80 degrees just yesterday? We assured him that we'd be right there. But the traffic-filled Dallas roads told us otherwise. So we called Britt back about the impasse to which he responds, "Can I go PLAY at Greg's?" Britt is 16. OF COURSE YOU CAN! I heard the snowballs started streaking through the school parking lot before the sophomores made it to their cars.
Later in the afternoon I was home alone and glanced out the picture window behind the chair where I sat.
lunged for the IPOD,
layered upon layers of layers,
leashed the dog and
tore out the door into the swirling snow.
Macy, our border collie, took me for a mile walk.
Going out was beyond words as Chris Tomlin stirred my soul. But the mile coming back was against the wind. Never knew that snow stings on the face. So worth every step of the way and my walk ended in frozen tears listening and lingering on a Linkin Park song in my frozen ears, "What I've Done." I had hoped to just slip out on His Arm for a snow stroll and listen. You see, God had been moving in my heart earlier in the afternoon, about whether my actions of late had been out of a motive of love or out of wanting people to change so badly. Was I being like Peter with a hard heart? And my God was saying, "Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me?" So moved this wintry day by my self-obsession. Am I self-obsessed or God-obsessed. So grateful I can slip back on His Arm and say, "I'm so sorry, my beautiful God, for I have been more concerned about changing the ways my world treats me than about loving them with Your Love."
Psalm 44:3 His Arm brings victory, not my arm doing things to make peace, not my arm saying things to jerk people and make people see what they are doing wrong. And on His Arm I want to waltz into this March morning and try again to live a life of love. Impossible. I'll fail again. I was never made to love from my own strength. Love found me. Love lives in me and that's what changes my world. In the midst of questioning my God with those frozen tears, I found His Arm again and saw the Light of His Face in the snow for we are so loved. So loved. Maybe that sounds so mystical. But it is so real to me.
Yesterday was such a beautifully hard day. A victory. I couldn't be any more grateful to God to allow me to push through it and find some freedom! I have a long way to go. I've come a long way. I so want to live in the present moment and deal with what is really going on in my heart, this moment. No more hiding in my heart. And I know it may come up again this very day and I'll trust Him with it. I pray that you slip onto His Arm this Friday morning and let Him lead you. His Arm brings victory and the Light of His Face. For He loves you so! Psalm 44:3.