Listening to my First Love's Voice................ at Walden's Pond

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning of my birthday crying. I didn't even have a chance to think about anything---I was already crying in my sleep. It was an unwelcome birthday visitor, a depression was all over me and I hadn't even lifted my head off the pillow. The tears flowed. But they weren't bitter tears. They were sorrow-filled tears. So, I asked my good God---why today? What is happening to me? I went through a severe depression one year ago when my husband was terminated from our church, triggering the interruption of good friendships. But my God so invaded my life March 15, 2006 and I've never been the same. But horizontal on this birthday morning, I felt like I did one year ago, so hopeless. The thought of going through a birthday alone again was too much for me. I wanted to be a part of that community where we lived for 27 years with people we dearly loved. I longed for what my good God has not provided. So what do I do...it's 4:00 am and it's my birthday. I got up and went to my good God and just cried and cried and asked for mercy. The humdrum duties of the day soon began--- breakfast, carpooling, errands, and we tackled cleaning the study. The next thing I knew I was in the backyard going through the 15 garbage bags of STUFF my son had thrown away all week. He came out to check on me. "Mom, are you okay? You have to let this stuff go." Sobbing, I knew he was right. I tied up all the bags and a weight seemed to lift off of me. My beautiful God was calling me and I drove up to my Walden's Pond. You remember Thoreau's "Walden's Pond" where he said it is vain to sit down and write if you have not stood up to live. Thoreau was no believer and seemed to me to be searching for the Garden of Eden on earth. No Garden on this earth. But my beautiful God has stood me up to live. "Stand up and see what I will do in you and through you. Rev. 1. I am alive in ways I have never been before. As I sat near the edge of the pond reading the book of Joshua on this silent sunny afternoon, the words leaped off the page into my lonely weeping heart. "Joshua was advanced in his age...the Lord said to him: You are old but there are still very large areas of land to be taken over." Hey, I'm 19 X 3 = 57 today. And, oh yes! I want to finish this life well! I long with all my heart to possess what is mine as a "new" creature in Him and advance His Kingdom---so what does that look like? My God seemed to say to me that my birthday struggle with my flesh: Wanting to be wanted. Wanting things to be different. Wanting to make an impact. That's what He died for. My struggle with my old nature will always be there and I can't annihilate it---didn't Paul say at the end of his life in Timothy--"I am the chiefest of all sinners." I Timothy 1:16. When I feel attacked on all sides, feeling forgotten/misunderstood/overlooked/powerless, I cry out to you my LORD, HAVE MERCY! Say it with confidence that He is so close and I must draw near to my good God! Draw near to God and He will draw near to you! I spent a few hours at this piddly pond where my kingly King so showed up. And He began to invade my thoughts with those things that I am persuaded of...THOSE THINGS THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW. I'll tell you sometime what they are...you hold them in your heart, too. Or, you wouldn't be where you are today. Like you, I am persuaded that our good glorious God's Love is enough. So what will I do with that? I listened to Love's Voice that birthday afternoon, my First Love's Voice--- Wooing me, Holding me, Breathing on me, Calming me. Nothing changed in circumstance. In fact, just hours later, a good friend would treat me like I was INVISIBLE. Then, I found myself sitting in a high school gym, watching my son's varsity basketball debacle, where we lost by 40 points and it could have been worse than 40. And, as I sat through four quarters, I realized Strength was rising in me. For what satisfies me? What brings me joy? Nothing I find in this garden. I have lost the love of some friends but I have been loved today with a Love that I will never lose. Never. Ever. Who can satisfy my sobbing soul? Only First Love. And as I walked out of the gym conversing with the opposing team moms, I realized it was my sovereign good merciful God who was holding my head up. He is the Lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3. My First Love lifting my head high in the midst of my hurts. My Prince of Peace inviting me to walk to Him on the scary waters. I must move my gaze from the waves to fixate on the Face of the One who is walking on water saying "Do not be afraid, I am with you."
PS - Nothing magical, nothing mystical about Walden's Pond pictured above. My Walden's Pond is a mudhole next to a baseball field. I just know there is an enemy that wars with my soul. And it such a Mystery to me how God works in these dark difficult days. I just want to STAY CLOSE to Him, just like you, always. Hold fast and stay close during these holidays when the enemy wants to jerk my peace, steal my peace, feed me lies about relationships. Life isn't about me but about being lifted up into a Bigger Story than me. There's more, so much more.