Sunday, November 18, 2007

Listening to my First Love's Voice................ at Walden's Pond

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning of my birthday crying. I didn't even have a chance to think about anything---I was already crying in my sleep. It was an unwelcome birthday visitor, a depression was all over me and I hadn't even lifted my head off the pillow. The tears flowed. But they weren't bitter tears. They were sorrow-filled tears. So, I asked my good God---why today? What is happening to me? I went through a severe depression one year ago when my husband was terminated from our church, triggering the interruption of good friendships. But my God so invaded my life March 15, 2006 and I've never been the same. But horizontal on this birthday morning, I felt like I did one year ago, so hopeless. The thought of going through a birthday alone again was too much for me. I wanted to be a part of that community where we lived for 27 years with people we dearly loved. I longed for what my good God has not provided. So what do I do...it's 4:00 am and it's my birthday. I got up and went to my good God and just cried and cried and asked for mercy. The humdrum duties of the day soon began--- breakfast, carpooling, errands, and we tackled cleaning the study. The next thing I knew I was in the backyard going through the 15 garbage bags of STUFF my son had thrown away all week. He came out to check on me. "Mom, are you okay? You have to let this stuff go." Sobbing, I knew he was right. I tied up all the bags and a weight seemed to lift off of me. My beautiful God was calling me and I drove up to my Walden's Pond. You remember Thoreau's "Walden's Pond" where he said it is vain to sit down and write if you have not stood up to live. Thoreau was no believer and seemed to me to be searching for the Garden of Eden on earth. No Garden on this earth. But my beautiful God has stood me up to live. "Stand up and see what I will do in you and through you. Rev. 1. I am alive in ways I have never been before. As I sat near the edge of the pond reading the book of Joshua on this silent sunny afternoon, the words leaped off the page into my lonely weeping heart. "Joshua was advanced in his age...the Lord said to him: You are old but there are still very large areas of land to be taken over." Hey, I'm 19 X 3 = 57 today. And, oh yes! I want to finish this life well! I long with all my heart to possess what is mine as a "new" creature in Him and advance His Kingdom---so what does that look like? My God seemed to say to me that my birthday struggle with my flesh: Wanting to be wanted. Wanting things to be different. Wanting to make an impact. That's what He died for. My struggle with my old nature will always be there and I can't annihilate it---didn't Paul say at the end of his life in Timothy--"I am the chiefest of all sinners." I Timothy 1:16. When I feel attacked on all sides, feeling forgotten/misunderstood/overlooked/powerless, I cry out to you my LORD, HAVE MERCY! Say it with confidence that He is so close and I must draw near to my good God! Draw near to God and He will draw near to you! I spent a few hours at this piddly pond where my kingly King so showed up. And He began to invade my thoughts with those things that I am persuaded of...THOSE THINGS THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW. I'll tell you sometime what they are...you hold them in your heart, too. Or, you wouldn't be where you are today. Like you, I am persuaded that our good glorious God's Love is enough. So what will I do with that? I listened to Love's Voice that birthday afternoon, my First Love's Voice--- Wooing me, Holding me, Breathing on me, Calming me. Nothing changed in circumstance. In fact, just hours later, a good friend would treat me like I was INVISIBLE. Then, I found myself sitting in a high school gym, watching my son's varsity basketball debacle, where we lost by 40 points and it could have been worse than 40. And, as I sat through four quarters, I realized Strength was rising in me. For what satisfies me? What brings me joy? Nothing I find in this garden. I have lost the love of some friends but I have been loved today with a Love that I will never lose. Never. Ever. Who can satisfy my sobbing soul? Only First Love. And as I walked out of the gym conversing with the opposing team moms, I realized it was my sovereign good merciful God who was holding my head up. He is the Lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3. My First Love lifting my head high in the midst of my hurts. My Prince of Peace inviting me to walk to Him on the scary waters. I must move my gaze from the waves to fixate on the Face of the One who is walking on water saying "Do not be afraid, I am with you."
PS - Nothing magical, nothing mystical about Walden's Pond pictured above. My Walden's Pond is a mudhole next to a baseball field. I just know there is an enemy that wars with my soul. And it such a Mystery to me how God works in these dark difficult days. I just want to STAY CLOSE to Him, just like you, always. Hold fast and stay close during these holidays when the enemy wants to jerk my peace, steal my peace, feed me lies about relationships. Life isn't about me but about being lifted up into a Bigger Story than me. There's more, so much more.

23 comments:

Alana 11/19/2007  

Sometimes those painful phases in life are best for growing nearer to Him. I've been there.

So wish I could have been there to celebrate with you today!

Happy Birthday! You have such as sweet spirit and I am ALWAYS encouraged by you!

Fran 11/19/2007  

Ya know what?? Even when I go through those very difficult days, I'm always so glad that I did. I absolutely CANNOT get enough of the realness of God when we experience Him like you did yesterday morning. I pray that you hang onto every single promise He spoke over you. I pray that all His love embraces you tightly and you walk side by side each moment of today.

He is the best friend we will EVER have. Have a great day with Him today Bev. You are always in my prayers.

Blessings~
Fran

CrownLaidDown 11/19/2007  

You are marked for all time by your Jesus, who loves you more and will never ever let you down.

Now go and take the land, courageous Bev! God knows the way that you take and He is smiling upon your beautiful face.

Your friend,
Holly

Hendrick Family 11/19/2007  

I love you Mrs. B. Happy Birthday.

I am so glad you tied that garbage bag back up and walked away. NOTHING in that sack was going to save you, or fix anything.

You're not invisible.

Not to the people who love you.

And certainly not to the Lord.

And are you making a difference?

Are you needed?

I want you to know that it brings me great comfort that you pray for my family.

GREAT comfort.

We need you!

Heather

Gina 11/19/2007  

I could so relate to your post. It brought tears to my eyesy, and made me wish I lived near you so I could take you to lunch and celebrate with you! I have been through a couple similar heart breaking, life altering, mind boggling circumstance...BUT GOD. That ever present thought in the back of my mind that HE IS IN CONTROL...how do people make it without that? I just can't fathom that!

About two years ago I went through several losses. I was wrestling with questions, and doubts and evaluation of some things. My dearest friend of 15 years...one who I considered my sister, with no explanation, cut off communication with me. I tried to talk with her, prayed, apologize for whatever the problem was...nothing...to this day when I think of her my eyes well up with tears! At times I do feel lonely too. But as I look back over the last 2 1/2 years, and all that God has done in me, my family, in our lives, It is so amazing! I wouldn't trade it, yet it still hurts. So strange!

A really simple song was popular during my time of questioning. I copied it and put it on the inside of my Bible. It talks about all the things I question...and then it says, "...but the one thing I don't question is YOU, you really love me like you say you do...so hold me..."

Know that although we live hours apart, and will probably never meet each other in this life time...I walk along side you in spirit!

Won't heaven be awesome!? You'll have to come over to my mansion for coffee!

Sue @ praise & coffee 11/19/2007  

Oh dear sweet friend, have a wonderful Birthday.
You are precious to our God and to so many, no matter what the enemy tries to tell you.

I pray Romans 15:13 for you today!
Love,
Sue

Lindsee 11/19/2007  

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Bev!!!! You are NOT invisible, especially in blog land (as wierd as that may sound!). Your comments and posts are straight from your heart which make you all the more unique!!!

So, Happy Birhtday. We all love you so, so much!!

Lindsee

Shonda 11/19/2007  

Hi Bev,
Happy Birthday!

You wrote, "My God seemed to say to me that my birthday struggle with my flesh: Wanting to be wanted. Wanting things to be different. Wanting to make an impact. That's what He died for. My struggle with my old nature will always be there and I can't annihilate it---didn't Paul say at the end of his life in Timothy--"I am the chiefest of all sinners." I Timothy 1:16. When I feel attacked on all sides, feeling forgotten/misunderstood/overlooked/powerless, I cry out to you my LORD, HAVE MERCY!"

That hit me! I'm screaming like you--Lord have mercy! I battle with my flesh. I struggle too. God seems to be shifting my friends. I dont understand, but it hurts.

You're in my thoughts and prayers too. Your words seem to come right on time for me. Thanks for being such a blessing in my life.

Blessings in Christ--

Connie@Little Red Hearts From God 11/19/2007  

First Happy birthday.. here is a big ((((((((((hug)))))))))))

This was absolutely beautiful...

yes, all else will fail us... but only He will sustain us....

2 corinthians 5:17 For I am a new creation...that means our old beliefs...

I too went down a similiar road early this year... I know that place.. I think it's not a bad place to go sometimes.. as if God says,,, when we are weak, He is strong... yes.. I was very weak...

you are so beautiful...

thank you for being YOU

love you

Toknowhim 11/19/2007  

Blessed once again by your honesty in your posts... Oh, how the Lord has shown Himself REAL in your life... It is beautiful!!! Happy Belated Birthday!!!

Patriot 11/20/2007  

Happy Birthday to you!

Hi! Just came across your blog and wanted to let you know about a new giveaway I'm hosting this week! Thanks!

shelley 11/20/2007  

Wow. Talk about perspective. I've just been reading up on your blog...I hopped over from Alana's. I hope you had a good birthday after all. Your comment on Alana's is what got my attention, the one about leaving your 3 year old...Oh My! And then I read the rest of your MeMe, and well, Oh My! It is so encouraging to read about all that, and know that you SURVIVED it! Sometimes the long long road ahead of me scares me. But it helps when I read things like your blog, it gives me perspective. And you GO girl, for cleaning out your house! Your son sounds wonderful, and Smart!

jennyhope 11/20/2007  

This is so good. I can relate to you in so many ways. I can't even begin to speak of it in a blog comment section. LOL!
Listen Bev...he is so TAKEN with you! You are such a blessing and please let me give you a compliment:
I love the fact that you are 57 and you still have long hair (i hope you still do...lol...j/k) but i had a lady tell me that I can wear my hair long now because I am young and i said oh I wasn't sure that I got the memo about getting older mandating cutting all of your hair off. ha ha!!
This really spoke to me and you are dead on about this garden!!

Josh 11/21/2007  

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Mama J 11/21/2007  

Bev,
I live on my own Waldons Pond where God love to meet with me.
I have a picture I drew this past Monday as I met with Him that I hope will bless your heart.
I am new at blogging (yesterday!) but I ended up on your page. Please visit my page as I don't know how to get the picture to you.

Happy Birthday!!
Mama J

Fran 11/21/2007  

Happy Thanksgiving Bev!! I am so thankful to have found you!! Your encouragement and love blesses me so very much!!! Have a blessed day with your family.

Much love back to you,
Fran

Sue @ praise & coffee 11/21/2007  

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Blessings,
Sue

Connie@Little Red Hearts From God 11/22/2007  

Happy Thanksgiving my friend..

I love you to pieces

Shonda 11/22/2007  

Happy Thanksgiving!
May your day be filled with wonderful memories. You're special!

Love & blessings--

Toknowhim 11/23/2007  

Bev,

My first post is up on my new MEME, stop by when you get a chance.. I especially look forward to getting to know you better :)

Toknowhim 11/23/2007  

Bev,

Thanks for participating in today's MEME. I want to know where I can get a pair of those $10 jeans :) I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Blessings Bev...

Bev Brandon 11/23/2007  

can you believe it? i bought
"7's" jeans in Chiang-Mai for $10 a pair---I brought home several pair last time I visited Thailand and the kids couldn't believe it...aren't they like $200? i wrote my friend about the great find and told her i picked up some "9's" in Thailand---she told her daughter & she gently informed me that i was close, but wrong number --- it's 7's not 9's...LOL...i do have that right, don't i??? it's 7 not 9...or is it 9's??? LOL

Sharon 11/27/2007  

While walking through the valley of the shadow of death--never sit down.
Hmmmm......heard a lot of me in this post.
God is so mysterious in the ways He works. So backwards in our eyes at times. And then we reach the conclusion ---and we have one of those AHAAAAA moments.
I do hope you day ended well and that you are now visible to your good friend.:)

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home

House of Blessing Tribal Childrens Home
"Whoever welcomes a little child in My Name, welcomes Me." Matthew 18:5 We have posted pictures of the orphans receiving their gifts from you. Scroll down to the post entitled "Today Was the Big Day." Many orphans didn't own anything of their own, but now do, because of you.

My Family

My Family
Britt, Blair, Bev, Bob, Brooke, Barrett

Contact

I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

Followers

My Blog List

Search This Blog

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed

Site Meter

Especially Designed for Bev by

Photobucket

  © Free Blogger Templates 'Photoblog II' by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008