A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!