Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!

44 comments:

Rhonda 8/14/2009  

Beautiful Bev:) I am glad the treatmetns are over for you. He is our good!

Mary Lou 8/14/2009  

Sweetest Bev, I am so thankful that the treatments were over. I thought there was one today. It is is eight twenty four and I was praying for you and clicked on to your blog. I read with a heart full of gratitude to our great God what He did for you this week...tears of joy are streaming down my face. He is so beautiful and I see Him in all of your words. I pray that there is more light in your darkness in the days to come. I have prayed that you could go to The Cove this week end if at all possible. I pray that one day we can meet face to face and I can hug your neck, I am sure I will cry. He has knit my heart to yours thru the prayers and your beautiful words. Only the Almighty can do that to people who have never met and known each other face to face. You are advancing His kingdom. He truly is our Final Good. I am praying that the radiation will continue it's work in you and drive out any remaining cancer cells, till you are completely free. Blessings, hugs and love , Mary Lou Numbers 6:24-26

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Thank you Rhonda for your faithful prayers and for showing up for me before a Throne!

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Oh Mary Lou! How your words have sunk deep into me over the last two years. Psalm 51:6---Truth sinking deep. I'm sobbing reading your comment for your words mean much! God has used you to give me such comfort!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend 8/14/2009  

I a so thrilled that the radiation is OVER.....and you made it....My heart breaks over having to give your sweet dog away. That would put me in the hospital...I get so attached.....praying that just the right family needs her and you can visit often....Celebrate today....Love you, Teresa

Dee 8/14/2009  

Bev, I am so thankful to have been privy to the thoughts of your heart in this fearful and painful journey. Though I have not faced cancer, I draw strength from your courage in my own fears. I guess the number one fear of my life right now is what is happening in and to America. I have such a gamut of emotions - fear, anger, disgust,grief. But you, dear sister, have remained strong in faith even in the weakness of your body. I praise God for His great goodness and mercy. I pray that your trip this weekend will be filled with peace and rest for your soul. Thank you so much for sharing so candidly with us your friends. I am like the other sister who mentioned the desire to meet you face to face. Maybe one day. Take care.
Love to you,
Deidra

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Teresa, I don't know how you did what you did for me with all you had going on these past several months but I've never known anyone who moved into someone's life like you have moved in mine to offer me a Face of Compassion. Your incessant notes have been Love Notes to me from my beautiful God! Someday, I'll meet you and kneel with you in gratitude to HIM!

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Deidra, I love seeing your name and one day will see your face! We are fellow strugglers together embracing our fears and falling forward on the ONE Who will ask the good questions. You are preparing for HIM and His questions of what we did with our lives, our country. I love your honest heart that cares about something bigger than just your world! Thank you my friend!

Bobbie 8/14/2009  

Bev, I'm so glad the treatments and radiation are over for you! You have been, and still are, an amazingly strong lady. I know that you've touched so many of us with your posts. You've shown us how you live and pray God's Word in your everyday life and how important it is to do so! He has given you a strength and faith that is beyond anything any human could ever do for you. I love your testimony and the fact that you've been so open with your journey.

I hope you find a perfect home for Macy-she's adorable and it would be great for you to have visitation!

I'm happy to hear you say that you're still listening for His Voice--the Voice of Truth! May he fill you with many blessings while you're at the Cove. Travel safe-relax regally!

Blessings, Bobbie

Toknowhim 8/14/2009  

My sweet Bev,

Who would have known that meeting randomly in the blogworld would have given me the chance to meet someone like you...someone who loves and seeks God like you do.

If you could only grasp how much you have been the one in all of this who encouraged all of us...

I am so glad that your treatments are over, and especially that you have grown spiritually through this suffering..

I love you and look forward to seeing what God will do in the future..

PS... SO awesome too about the verses that God gave you before you went to Austin..

Kim

Sylvia 8/14/2009  

Beloved Bev,

We have never met and yet I am so grateful for being privy to your blog. We are friends on facebook.

When you came to Houston I had hoped to meet you, however that did not work out. I am growing in the LORD as I read how you are dealing with the storms of life as well as the unexpected storms we all experience in some degree.

Jehovah Jirah, my provider shines clearly through this blog. Thank you for all these incredible testimonies of trust and belief in the Lord Jesus.

You are teaching me and others how to go through the difficult experiences of life and find God's Amazing Grace, Mercy and Sweet Peace. Nothing compares to that.

I praise God for Annette G. being my dear friend and introducing me to you through this blog.

I look forward to the day when I can say thank you face to face. You remain in my prayers for God's continual Holy Presence to surround you and your dear family.

Because of Grace,
Sylvia V.

connorcolesmom 8/14/2009  

Bev - you are precious
I hope you know how much you minister to me though your trials and faithful pursuit of HIM!
And if I lived in Austin I would totally take Macy - the boys would LOVE her :)
I know she will find a GREAT home
Praying for you and love you much!
Kim

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Bobbie, Tears are coming down as I read your words to still listen for His Voice. I'm more desperate than ever to hear from Him and know what HE is up to in my life. I love Him so! And, I receive your saying I am strong, but I am weaker than ever but in such a good place that His Strength be made perfect. A theology of weakness over here. Your tenderness touches me. Your kindness to me means a lot. Love, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Kim U. - You have always been so encouraging to me looking for the good in me. I've felt connected to you from the very first we met. I love your Isaiah 66:2 humility and so does God! And thank you for cherishing with me those Austin verses---only God knew. It's still a long road ahead and so grateful to have you as my blogging friend! Love You Lots, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Sylvia, I just melted when you called me beloved...thinking of the day when HE will say that to you and me. Oh wait! HE is saying it right now and I must bow low. You have such a depth to you. We'll meet in Houston. I'll be at FBC October 11th if you are around then. Look forward to touching you, His beloved! Thank you Sylvia! From a beloved child, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/14/2009  

Kim A. - It really makes me happy that someone wants Macy---your home would have been too good to be true! Your passion for Him in the midst of all HE has sent your way is moving to me! You're precious to me too, Kim! You have given me love and kindness and acceptance. Psalm 34:5 - You look to Him and radiate! Love you so much! Bev

Sharon Brumfield 8/14/2009  

Girl I just realized when you said The Cove...that you meant Asheville, NC. I know you probably won't get this till you get home....but you will only be about 45 minutes from us. Actually tonight(Friday) Keith and I are going into Asheville for a date night! So close and yet so far! :)
I am so glad you are getting to go. We won't be as hot here as you were back home.....actually it was cooler today then the last few days.
We will pray you have strength to enjoy yourself while in our neck of the woods.
Girl I love you!.....Keep walking it out before us. Your journey brought major glory to the throne.
Looking forward to hearing about your trip.

twinkle 8/14/2009  

I just LOVE that confetti came down all over you! See how God has used you to minister to others through this valley? It is so fertile, my beautiful Bev. It is ALWAYS that way if we will allow Him the gift of using us through our trials and tribulations. We meet people we would never have met any other way than through our valley time.
I am so praising God for the meeting that ministered so much to you. I love that verse you shared from that meeting. Jeremiah 17:14.
That is total submission and surrender. To God and not to our circumstances. God is so much bigger than our circumstances. You have been His Light through this time of honest-to-God fear. Thank you for sharing your fear and trembling. And your mighty faith.
Nothing compares to G R A C E.
Nothing.
I don't drink, but if I did, I would raise a glass of holy wine to my Jesus and have communion with Him right now singing
Praise God from whom all blessings flow..
Praise Him all creatures here below...
Praise Him above ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Amen...

Enjoy the glorious mountains and may God continue your healing.
Much love,
deborah

Bev Brandon 8/15/2009  

Sharon, I think you are about one of the first bloggers I ever ran into...and remember the sizes of all the ladies header---LOL. Thank you for your tremendous support. Someday I have something to tell you face to face as I hold on to some of your former posts that gripped my heart. You are a very real person walking the walk in an honoring way! I'll be thinking of you so close at the Cove. Isaiah 33:6 - you are stability to many of us in your own walk. Love, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/15/2009  

Twinkling Deborah! Your confetti comment made me think of James 1 "counting it all joy" when we fall into trials---throw a party, and they did. I brought the food and they supplied the party supplies. And these words kept coming out of mouth about what God did and they fell on itching ears, I think. Your comment about raising the toast is one I'll remember in the highlights of this journey. I'll raise that toast this morning to my LORD, but ONE UNBELIEVABLE DAY we will raise the glass in a toast to the King of Kings. We'll join our families who have trusted. We'll join Peter who died upside down. We'll join John who died alone on an island. We'll join my friend Cyd who was murdered in Afghanistan. We'll join Adam & Eve & Moses & Abraham & David...oh my. And we will all spend the rest of eternity together. Deborah, I love the truth you bring to my heart. I love your passion. I love you!! Bev

marina 8/15/2009  

Dearest Bev... you got through your fears and the Lord was holding your hand the whole time never letting it go telling you I am in control" Praise the Lord" marina

annie's eyes 8/15/2009  

It is in our weakness we boast in the Lord as our strength. That you have done. He has shown you that everything is possible with Him. He radiates through you with your honest dependence on Him alone. I know The Cove will be the perfect closure to this season of such difficulty and loss. He is so ever faithful, and your words bring Him so much glory. I cherish you, sweet friend. Can't wait to see you in Houston or Austin, whichever comes first. Our Jehovah Rapha - The God Who Heals is mighty and we will continue to exalt Him. To God be the Glory indeed. Love, Annette

CAROL LIVIN FOR GOD 8/15/2009  

Dear Bev
I am glad your treatments are over with. I have been praying for you and I will continue to pray I hope you find a good home for Macy I wished IO lived in Austin but I don't I would take Macy in a heart beat cute dog. Hope you get some rest at the cove and may the Dear Lord continue to speak to your heart and one day we will meet. God willing I plan on going to the seista memorization on scriptures verses in Jan 2010 I am praying about it. Love you Carol your seista in Albuquerque NM

Nise' 8/15/2009  

Bev, it has been a privilege and honor to pray for you these past months. You have ministered and taught me through it all and I thank God for you and for what He has done for you.

Our Lord is a shield above us, our glory and the one who lifts our heads! Ps. 3:3

I know that the Lord will find just the right home for your beloved Macy.

Bev Brandon 8/16/2009  

Marina, I will always remember the tender moment in Houston meeting your shimmering self. You knocked us off our feet girl! You are beautiful through and through! Even though there were many moments in the machine when I didn't sense God's presence, it was me not recognizing His Invisible Hand. He was with me every step of this journey and it's not over yet. I love your humility! Bev

Bev Brandon 8/16/2009  

Annette,
With tears strolling down & upward--
You've held my hands up to God when I couldn't do it physically.
You've spoken Truth that sinks way down in deep places in me.
You've given courage to face my loss and depend on Him.
You've given me love from a beautiful heart pouring out Him Psalm 90:2.
The Ipod & songs you sent me so brought God to me. "Bring The Rain" just happened to come on the 1st morning of radiation. "My Tribute"--just happen to find it the day before the last. And a song I haven't heard in 30 years popped up one day and left me SOBBING in the streets---and a live band played it at the Oasis last night as we watched the sunset. Nature and music but most of all "heart friendships" have come even more ALIVE through you & I love that! Thank you my dear friend! With Love & Gratitude you'll never know, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/16/2009  

Carol in Big A, You have such a sincerity, a compassion, a kindness, a sacrificial heart that touches all of us bloggers. Can't thank you enough for your prayers and interest in my need. Meant a lot to me. See you in January! Love, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/16/2009  

Denise, Oh my! You couldn't have put down a more moving verse for me. HE was the lifter of my head in crisis three years ago and now in this current dilemma---HE has so lifted my head in my aloneness in facing cancer. Through people like you, I've learned a little better to hold fast to HIM in the solitude of having cancer cause only HE can make us who we are, no one else can. You've shared and listened to my ponderings and what lingers for a long time and have always been so gracious and accepting in all that I wonder about. I've had to wrestle with being a "nobody" when people didn't respond, when no one needed us anymore. But you have always pointed me back to HIM Who makes us "somebody" because of His eternal beautiful LOVE for each of us. Your insights grip me and I love you Denise. Your love and faithfulness to the Living Word means much to me! Love, Bev

Jennice 8/18/2009  

Dearest Bev,
I finally got around to "catching up" on your blog entries from the beginning. As usual, you made comments that made me think, examine, consider.... And then, I got to August 13, 2007. You were describing the Larry Crabb conference you had just attended. You said: "I don't think I can ever be the same person again...ask me in one year what's different. "Have mercy on me, my God!" I believe He is, He will. Came back home not for the better life but to be broken before my Lord. And how does that happen? Ask me in one year if anything happened..." I froze...I looked again at the date...then I realized your last post was August 13, 2009...not one, but two years, to the day, after you wrote those words. God was preparing you, even then, for the incredibly difficult road that you have traveled these last few months. Your honesty and forthrightness has been such an encouragement and a challenge to me to keep my priorities in order, when all around me is in chaos, and I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose either. No tear goes unused by the Father...each etches "God troughs" in our being; the more tears, the deeper and wider they become, the conduit for His healing balm to flow through to our hearts, and back out again, to bless others. Thank you for being such a conduit!

Sharon Brumfield 8/18/2009  

Girl I pray you are having a fantastic time here in our mountains!
Next time you come with your man...or without him...you come on up to our mountain for a visit. It would be an honor to serve you.
I thank God in advance for the wonderful rest He is giving you.....and for the way He is providing rest for body and soul.
He loves ya girl!

Vern ~ Inspired 8/19/2009  

Wow, wow, wow,wow...WOW!!
I am new to your blog - via our Siesta Scripture Journey and felt led to click on your blog when I read your scripture verse for Aug 15th.
What a blessing to read all the love and kindness going on in this place!! Sweeeeet!!
I rejoice with you regarding the completion of your radiation and pray you are being filled up with His beauty , rest and strength while you are at The Cove!!

Be Inspired!
Veronica "Vern" Hutcherson

Bev Brandon 8/19/2009  

Jennice, I can't believe you found that back that far...you know what?? I am a much different person than I was two years ago---praise God! A little less demanding that people come through for me. A little less attached to people and what they think. And more in love with my LORD than ever. I'm back with Crabb again and people here have noticed the change as well as my husband & fam. Thank you for reading that & sharing that with me. I love your heart that goes to places that are hard. Cause you are so wrapped up in Him and what He wants! It's been a good week---it's happening again----HE is changing me. Here's a quote that has so gripped me this week: "God's Severe Mercy puts us most in touch with what we are afraid of." Here's another: "God doesn't do much to protect us from what we're afraid of." Here's another: "Maturity is measured not by where we are, but by what we are open to." Here'a another (from another author): "God is not nice. God is not an uncle. God is an earthquake." It's been a beautiful and terrifying week reflecting on persevering in midst of all going on. I so want to persevere well! Thanks for your comment that made me happy. Love, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/19/2009  

Sharon, thankyouthankyouthankyou...wish I could come visit your mountain. I even brought ear muffs. You know, it's 105 degrees in Texas. I guess I thought it would be as cold as snow here. It's gorgeous. Looking out my window at a breathtaking stark still valley view. Wow! I slept longer last night than I have slept since the day I was diagnosed with cancer---that tells you something right there. Thanks my friend, Lots of Love, Bev

Bev Brandon 8/19/2009  

Vern, the kindnesses have been overwhelming! If you only knew! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a fragrance. Bev

twinkle 8/19/2009  

Lord, breathe life into Bev. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Bev Brandon 8/21/2009  

Deborah - Nothing else really matters. You sure do live that way that unless HE breathes life into you in the midst of all you embrace, you won't be satisfied with anything else. Him alone. You're a beautiful girl Deborah! Love, Bev

annie's eyes 8/23/2009  

I'm missing you this week. I so pray these past few days were exactly what you needed at the Cove, and with Larry Crabb. Wow. What a way to wrap up this season. So like God to orchestrate such sweet details. I think school starts tomorrow for you guys, and you are in my prayers. Hope to catch up with you soon. Love, Annette

Jean 8/23/2009  

Bev, I've been away for two weeks and just got home and caught up with you on your blog. I am sooooo glad radiation is over for you and even gladder that you were able to get through the last day with such peace and comfort from our good God. Your faith has been a testimony to God's goodness and you always point us to Him with your words. I pray that you will have your hearts desire, which is to "know Him better." I love you, dear Bev.

Jean

Bev Brandon 8/26/2009  

Annette, Missing you too very much! I have come back from The Cove wanting to live broken not better. Wanting to take a look at the defenses I so quickly put up in the battle for my soul and my children's souls. One verse so grabbed me that he talked about - Jer 24:6 - HE is always out for our good. "LOVE never allows more suffering unless to achieve the well being of the beloved." "The deepest desire is not to hurt less, but to live in brokennes." "Every tragedy is an opportunity to repent." It was a very very good week, my friend.

Bev Brandon 8/26/2009  

Jean, I so want to walk through this life and embrace Him in midst of suffering like you long. Thank you for your constant kindness to me and giving from your own beautiful heart. Love, Bev

Sharon Brumfield 9/03/2009  

Thought I came and left a comment....wondering how you are doing?????
Praying for you.

Ang baylis 9/05/2009  

Hey, Bev! It's late Saturday night and you came to my mind. I hope you are doing well. You haven't updated in awhile and I'm a bit concerned about you. Just so you know, I'm praying for you right now.
Much love,
Angie xoxo

HIS daughter 9/10/2009  

Bev,

I don't know if you remember me or not from the LPM blog. It's ok if you don't.

I wanted to tell you that I would love to be allowed to pray for you.
Wanted to make sure it was ok because I am now a Spirit-filled, Grace filled and Joyous Catholic Christian woman.

I don't understand all..but GOD knows and that is all that matters when we pray for one another.

May Almighty God, Our Father, bless you with the peace that passes all understanding and may your suffering be offered up to Him who understands our weakness and our strength.

Hold out your hand and take His. You don't have to be afraid if you feel weak..His grasp is sure.

May the peace of Christ be with your spirit today and always,
Teri

Nishant 9/29/2009  

I am so thankful that the treatments were over. I thought there was one today.
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Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
sixbrandons@gmail.com
I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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