Sunday, September 13, 2009

Do Not Pass Me By...

About the moment I jogged up the steps of the Foot Bridge over the Colorado River, a hymn came on my Ipod that I had never heard before. "Do Not Pass Me By." I stopped at a familiar rail overlooking the still south span of the river. My tears spilled into the reservoir and I looked to see if they made a mark. No, not at all from 30 feet up. I knelt by my rail on that 20-foot wide walking bridge. No one even noticed. To my left sat a homeless guy, torn and tumultuous. To my right sat a pristine pony-tailed lady with tiny twin terriers in dog clothing. Some of my tears were for them both.

But most of my tears this morning had to do with those unfamiliar words in my ears. "While on others, You are smiling, do not pass me by." And I cried out to the beautiful God I so adore that HE would not pass me by. I want to end my life well and not miss the grace of God. I think a lot about Jonah 2:8---the guy in the whale who was not FRANTIC or FRENETIC but He was crying out to his good God, in the midst of guts and gore inside a LARGE animal's stomach, that he would not forfeit the grace of God for worthless stuff, idols. And Jonah never knew if he would even ever hold another worthless thing in his hand again. God draws me in through Jonah's words. As I am caught in the midst of life's circumstances, am I missing a larger Story? What am I alive to this morning?

You see, I think it is terribly easy for us all to get lost in our circumstances of life. He knows. I started new meds for cancer treatment on the day I returned from The Cove. Letrozole has affected my body with a whirlwind of symptoms, exhausting me to where I have had to pull back again, physically. It's why I haven't posted. I can't quite catch up since I've finished radiation.

I came back from one of the most stirring conferences for me at The Cove. Came back to live broken not better before a beautiful good God. Is my deepest desire to hurt less or to live in brokenness? But I'm back to a life where things break down, like my car. Still working on a home for Macy---she's extended her stay at The Hill's. I so want her with me but financial priorities prevent it. Let the dog go, Bev! Our car has been in the shop to repair the transmission since June 17th---that's awful long. My son and I share a car with no a/c. It's been hot in Texas! And now I have a cyst on my right hand and the cancer treatments/meds have caused it damage---it's infected and hurts when I move my hand. So, what is God doing in my life? What is stirring inside of me? What is most alive?

C.S. Lewis wrote that the sweetest experience God gives us in this life is our desire for Him. A desire for God seems so alive in me even in the midst of all my mess. My struggles with circumstances reveal such a spirit of entitlement in me. Can I have break please?

I think some of the tears spilled into the Colorado River because I'm wrestling with fleshly desires. My battle is with my flesh and wanting to rise above my circumstances. But there's a deeper battle always going on. More than just wanting to be visible. More than wanting "a place in the sun, a place in our world." More than wanting to get ahead in life. The real battle that Ephesians 6 talks about is how our struggle is not against flesh and blood. It's not against our circumstances, our boss, our friend who ignites us. We are contending against world rulers of this present darkness. I am reading Buechner's The Magnificent Defeat and he writes about the battle: "to become at peace inside our skins, to become human. To be set free from our darkness. A darkness we never fully see nor fully understand nor feel fully responsible for---heaven knows we are responsible."

So what is my beautiful God doing in the chores of my life? I'm not sure, but this I know. God is bringing a little tiny ray of Light into my darkness. And HE has used so many of you to stir me up. Just like in Gen 1:3 where the Spirit of God was moving---Buechner says the word in the Hebrew means "brood"--- hovering over my darkness, "brooding" over my darkness---like a bird "brooding" over its nest til new life stirs beneath the sheltering wings. I don't know what's happening but I do know this. God is so moving in my mess of it all and stirring up new life in me as I go through some tough times. Do not pass me by, my good God. And if I think You are smiling on others and not on me, help me repent and respond to what you are doing in me. Sweet release not relief. The speaker at The Cove put it this way: "Love never allows more suffering unless to achieve the well-being of the beloved." YOU, O God, are brooding over my darkness til I become a little more alive.

32 comments:

beckyjomama 9/13/2009  

Your sweet words are - as always - inspiring, uplifting, challenging, moving, stirring, hopeful, worshipful and oh so very beautiful.

Love you Sweet Thing!

Rhonda 9/13/2009  

Beautiful and moving post Ms. Bev. Praying for you and yours!

Anonymous 9/13/2009  

Thank you for reminding me of TRUTH. My prayers still go before the throne daily for you!
Much love,
Kristen

Dee 9/14/2009  

Bev, I have missed you so much. I've checked often to see whether you had posted because I wanted to know of your condition. I'm so sorry that the hard circumstances continue. Your words are so expressive of the longings of your heart. Lately Psalm 38:9 has become my new favorite verse. I think you will find it a comfort to you.
"All my longings lie open before You, O LORD; my sighing in not hidden from You."
Your words bring an uncomfortableness in me that is necessary. They challenge me to examine myself - the longings of my heart. You have wisdom, sister. Thank you for showing your realness.
Love to you,
Deidra

Alana 9/14/2009  

I love that you can encourage me, even in your discouragement. Love and prayers to you!!!

annie's eyes 9/14/2009  

There is always a death before new life. I love the image of God brooding over, hovering, tending. He wants all of you, and I see that new life springing forth from a very dark valley. Circumstances are becoming less that the inner stirrings may grow. You are a beautiful soul through and through. Love, Annette

CAROL LIVIN FOR GOD 9/14/2009  

Hi there Bev you have been missed but among your discouragement as one seista wrote you have briught encouragement in my life you have been thru so much. And you share with us seista's you will never know who's heart you have touched thru this. But I am going thru some stuff in my life right now 2 things have happen since May and I have been dealing with that and then in Aug of 09 had a car accident and the person ran a red light and totaled out my car so I am in the midst of that and dr appts to and the other day I just thought what else Lord. But God is in control and still on the Throne regardless of what the day brings.
Just wanted to thank you Bev for your encouragement and that you love us seista's as well.
Still trying to get financing on another vechile and can't due to my other car still has not came off yet of my credit report and I defintley need a car to get back and forth with. thanks Bev
Love you will continue to pray for you. Carol A Seista in Albuquerque NM

Laura 9/14/2009  

Oh, sweet Bev, it's been a while since I've visited so I am catching up; but I am always struck by the honesty and goodness of your heart. You trust Him so faithfully. Thank you for that. After all you have been through--still going through. You inspire me.

Bobbie 9/16/2009  

Bev, I'm so glad to see your post. I've been concerned and wondering how you're doing. Thank you for sharing your feelings, those real feelings! You're in my prayers and am praying that you will continue to feel His stirrings in you. You're one brave lady!

I'm also praying that all things in your life will fall in to place for you.

Sharon Brumfield 9/17/2009  

You know each time I begin to think my time here in the blogging world is over I run across posts like this and something in me jumps.
I know the song you heard for the first time. Savior, Savior hear my humble cry.....He does Bev. He hears you....and as you continue to seek Him with a pure heart....you will see His face...it is promised. Mat 5:8
And while some seem to think that this means when we get to heaven...I don't. No man may see Him and live....but are we not already dead? We die daily.
Maybe I am grasping...but this has been my verse for years. If Moses can speak to Him and carry His glory to the masses.....we can too.
I see Him in you....you have carried His glory well during this time. You have spurred me to carry on even in the tough times. So...if for no one else but me.....you have represented your King well.

I love you girl!
I thank God that He is working. I thank Him that He has set your feet solidly on the Rock. Shine on.

Sylvia 9/18/2009  

Bev,
I look so forward to meeting you someday. We are so close and yet so far apart. You bless me richly. I so wish you did not have to experience all the pain you are going through and yet seeing your response to God in the middle of the mess enriches my life.

Psalm 138:8 The LORD will accomplish that which concerns you.

Now I must tell you as I pray that scripture I must recognize the LORD takes care of my concerns in HIS timing which most of the time is different from my time. I just must do what I know to do and remember 1 Thessalonians 5:24 He who has called you is faithful and He will do it.

For whatever reason God has called you to walk through your pain; He is faithful and will bestow His amazing grace and mercy to carry you through for HIS GLORY.

Bev, you have blessed me beyond words...you remain in my prayers.

Sylvia V.
Jersey Village, TX

AbbyLane 9/18/2009  

your writing is beautiful.
your journey is beautiful.
your wresting is beautiful
your honesty is beautiful.
your heart is beautiful.
your good God, is beautiful.

Holly 9/22/2009  

"'brooding' over my darkness---like a bird 'brooding' over its nest til new life stirs beneath the sheltering wings. I don't know what's happening but I do know this. God is so moving in my mess of it all and stirring up new life in me"

Me, too, friend. Me, too.

I love you, you know that? And I'm praying for God to go beyond your highest and greatest expectations this week. May He usher in a new day to go with this new life.

Sheryl 9/23/2009  

Bev,

WOW! Powerful words. I want you to know that God is using you through this blog...through your cancer. God is at work.

Thank you for being vulnerable.

Sheryl

Laura 9/25/2009  

Bev,

Been thinking of you. Praying for you. May the LORD bless you and he is at work here dear friend.

In him,
Laura

Alana 9/26/2009  

Thinking of you and praying for you this evening...

Sky 9/28/2009  

Bev,

Thanks for your always honest and encouraging post. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. So sorry for your suffering yet asking Him to make them not worthy to compared to the glory you will have when see His face.

love you -
Sky

Nishant 9/29/2009  

'm so sorry that the hard circumstances continue.

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jennyhope 10/07/2009  

I have been thinking about you so much! Love you Bev!

Rhonda 10/08/2009  

Hey Bev. Just thinking about you;)

Shonda 10/10/2009  

Hi Bev, I am thinking about you this morning. I'm saying a prayer for you. Love & blessings-
Shonda

Sharon Brumfield 10/13/2009  

Girl you have just been on my heart...praying for you!

Patty 10/14/2009  

Bev, You have been on my heart. I wanted you to know that and I love you!
Patty

Bobbie 10/15/2009  

You've been on my mind for several weeks and decided I needed to tell you so! Continuing to pray!

Sky 10/15/2009  

Bev,

You are on my heart and in my prayers - romans 8, that your suffering will not be worthy to compared to the glory we will enjoy in heaven and that the Holy Spirit will pray in groanings to deep for words. So sorry for this sickness right now.

love you, Sky

Denise 10/21/2009  

Just came by to check on you... I will pray...

Susan 10/29/2009  

Got you on my heart and in my prayers this morning, dear one!

Sky 10/29/2009  

Bev, I am thinking about you and praying for spiritual, emotional and physical strength in the Lord. He cares, understands and provides.

Love you -
sky

annie's eyes 10/31/2009  

Waking this morning with prayers for you--I have been MIA with all the rush of wedding endeavors, and then a abrupt halt. New season of life. And I read your post again. In a good and most holy way, a death of life as we knew it, and new lives joined together. But another left severed, and a mother wondering what new life awaits. I am praying for you this morning, as God shows me a glimpse of your beautiful heart, the Holy Spirit's brooding, and caring so beautifully for His beloved, Bev. You are so dear to me. Hope to call you in a bit.
Love, Annette

Denise 10/31/2009  

Praying.........

Rhonda 11/05/2009  

Hey Bev! Thinking of you today. Hope you are getting stronger, bith physically and spiritually:)

Sheryl 11/06/2009  

Just wanted to stop and and let you know you are being covered with prayer.

I am praying that God will supply all your needs today.

Blessing~

Sheryl

Praying for Our Friend Joanne Psalm 131:3 Waiting on God. Hope Now. Hope Always.

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I've met some amazing women through blogging. I would love to hear from you. My personal e-mail is:
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I have another blog where I blog daily as a small group of us read through the New Testament this year. It's called A String of Pearls. We carry each other on mats (when we just can't walk anymore) to Jesus and sweet things like that.

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