A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!

God will wipe away our tears & the sweat of our brow

I just read the 19 comments from my last post all at once and am sitting here weeping, literally. I so wrestle with my weaknesses and see places in my heart that I think maybe the Gospel has not touched (that's a Paula Rinehart quote). I so long for Him and see how far I am sometimes. Then, even as I sit here, I see places in my heart where He has so shown up for me. I couldn't be any more grateful this night for what HE has done in my heart during these past six weeks of radiation. My Good God is making me a little less demanding, a little more dependent, a little less detached from anything for my Source other than Him. One more week of radiation to go.

I thought radiation would get easier as I adjusted. And I feel a pressure that if I was really walking with God, it would be better. Well, I am walking with God---He has me in tight places. My God is abundantly available in very tight places! Psalm 46:1-3. This past week was the hardest yet, partly because they upped the dosage of radiation for the end, since my margins were not clear and cancer remained in my chest wall. Sometimes I am exhausted to the point of collapsing. But the sheer terror inside of the machine is what gets to me. And the sheer terror of encountering a beautiful God is so there every single day. I have cried more tears this week than any other. This morning, Bob preached and he shared a quote from the Willow Creek Conference that he and Brooke attended this week. It went like this..."God will wipe away our tears and the sweat of our brow at the same time." A tender thought to me. Jesus sweat drops of blood to resist temptation---something we all know not.

I've been trying to remember all day what song we sang in church this morning that made me so want to worship Him. As I sat to write this post, the song just came on my Ipod (out of about 300 songs) and I didn't even know it was on there. God keeps doing that! "Open up the skies, fall down like rain. We don't want blessings. We want YOU." I sang it from the depths of my heart this morning and again tonight. I have so been touched by Divine Love in that radiation machine for 33 times, I can't explain it. "Here we go, let's go the Throne. To the place where we belong. Right into His Arms." All I can say is that He has so carried me through these six weeks in His Arms. And I pray that He will fall on me this week, fall down like rain, so I can finish what seems impossible to me.

If I finish on Friday, I will leave on Monday to go to The Cove in North Carolina for a conference. It's been in the plans for 3 years, Lord willing, and I don't know if I can make it. I'm burned from the higher dosages. But, I'm asking! I cannot thank you all enough for praying for me. I keep hearing about people I don't even know who are praying for me and that touches me so deeply. I've thought about the Good Samaritan in Luke 10 a lot lately. You've bound my wounds, you've poured your words and love on me, you've taken me into your heart, you've paid for things for me, you've taken care of me. And some of you have never laid eyes on me. Jesus asked the lawyer in the story, "Who proved to be a neighbor?" It's you!

My sweet girl Brooke is sitting two feet away from me as I type. It's been such a precious 2 weeks with her here. She has so helped me---cleaning out my closets, driving me everywhere, doing daily loads of clothes and dishes and stuff for her mommy. But more than that, she has made me laugh in the midst of my tears. She leaves in the morning for her stateside missionary assignment in Arlington, Texas. Brooke will be serving on the staff of a college ministry, mobilizing college students to do mission work. She'll be close this year and that makes this mom pretty happy. The IMB will provide her needs, except that she does need to find her own car for the year. I think we should say that God needs to find her a car! If you know of anyone who would like to donate a car to a non-profit or loan one out for a year, let us know. That's a big request---out of our reach! May Brookie bring these students the Word as it is in her heart! My prayer for my sweet girl: Joshua 14:7.

And it is my prayer for each of you this beautiful night. May you bring the Living Word to many, as it is on your heart!