Dark Night of the Soul

Providential Blessing and Providential Suffering happen to every one of us.  This year has held both for us.  Since Christmas and its happenings, it has been a dark night of the soul for me.  And yesterday was no exception.  And I am writing to say that we are holding fast to a very good God in the midst of confusion and pain.  I am more privileged by the high calling of my Christ to leave behind 30 years of life in Fort Worth and come to a place where we knew barely no one.  We know way down deep God called us to Austin.  And our God has been very good to us in the midst of both blessing like marriages and suffering like cancer. We'll stay here until God moves us someplace else.  We are more privileged by our calling than unsettled by our pain. 2 Kings 20:1-3 God observes my tears and I am leaning hard on Him.  And that is a very good place to be!

When Bob lost his church position of 27 years four years ago, I was way more unsettled by my pain. I had a major meltdown, severe depression.  But God broke through and I am still drawing near to Him, and more alive in Him than ever.  No more living by my pain but rather a greater resolve to be holy and deal with my own stuff.  There's something inside of me standing up right now in the midst of this dark night that is singing praises to a very good God! Isaiah 28:21 The LORD will rise up.  He will rouse Himself to do His Work, His Strange Work.  John 20:29 - Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe.  Life itself is grace.  And I am listening to my life this day, this moment as my God is fleshing out His Incarnate Word in my life and yours, no matter what the crisis.

I think far too many people do not deal with what is really going on inside of their hearts.  Psalm 28:3 --- they speak peace to you but they hold onto evil in their hearts---a friend of mine calls it "courtesty without connection." We all have evil in our hearts. It runs straight through all of us.  Isaiah 30:11 - I am confronted with the Holy One and I am dealing with my stuff!  Pascal once said:  "True Religion accounts for the greatness and wretchedness of humans."  Oh wretched man that I am!  Praise God there is hope for our sin.  Covered.  I am dealing with my demanding spirit---my priority to place justice for us rather than glory for God.  No, I am more taken with His Glory than my comfort, my will.

Isaiah 50 talks about not lighting your own fires but letting God do His Work.  Life is hard---Job 23:10---and He knows the way we take.  Bob shared 2 Thes 1:11 in church yesterday:  May God count us all worthy of His High Calling and fulfill every desire we have for good and every work of faith, with power.  Strengthen all of us in the inside where it really counts to walk by faith.  Expose our arrogance, our foolishness.  Stir our appetite for holiness and fill us all with hope whether we walk through dark days or joyful ones. 

A good friend told me:  "Don't be afraid of failure or you will live for success...God is detaching me from everything that numbs my sacred hunger for Him and makes me feel hungrier for something other than God." 

I still have cancer but there's something far worse than cancer.  It's cancer of our soul.  But I have such Hope!  There is something far worse than a difficult life---it's distance from God and not finding Him in the midst of our mess.  God is changing me in the midst of some significant pain and loss and I could not be any more grateful to Him.  We are all "curved in on ourselves" as Augustine once said. 

Bob and I ask for your prayers as we make some decisions about our future.  Britt leaves for college tomorrow.  We gave up our apartment lease to be creative and pursue exchanging labor for rent money.  God gave me the idea and we'll see where it takes us. If you're in Austin and you know of a situation where we could work as caretakers for senior citizens or someone trying to sell their vacant home or watch their property in exchange for rent, let us know.  We have moved all of our belongings into public storage.  We'll have to get rid of our sweet dog again, a border collie who loves his mama.  Losing my boy to college and losing my dog tomorrow is added on top of all of this. 

If you focus on the smaller story of your life, you'll misunderstand what really matters in life.  Crabb says:  Things that feel awful will be seen as tragedies to reverse if possible, endure if necessary and prevent.  That's not what we're after over here---not trying to just endure tragedy.  We all are being lifted to the Higher Story of God---it's not about us. 

To God be the Glory!  He has been good to us to this very day.  Jer 24:6.  His Eyes are now set on us to do us good from this day forward, even in this dark night of the soul.