Do Not Pass Me By...

About the moment I jogged up the steps of the Foot Bridge over the Colorado River, a hymn came on my Ipod that I had never heard before. "Do Not Pass Me By." I stopped at a familiar rail overlooking the still south span of the river. My tears spilled into the reservoir and I looked to see if they made a mark. No, not at all from 30 feet up. I knelt by my rail on that 20-foot wide walking bridge. No one even noticed. To my left sat a homeless guy, torn and tumultuous. To my right sat a pristine pony-tailed lady with tiny twin terriers in dog clothing. Some of my tears were for them both.

But most of my tears this morning had to do with those unfamiliar words in my ears. "While on others, You are smiling, do not pass me by." And I cried out to the beautiful God I so adore that HE would not pass me by. I want to end my life well and not miss the grace of God. I think a lot about Jonah 2:8---the guy in the whale who was not FRANTIC or FRENETIC but He was crying out to his good God, in the midst of guts and gore inside a LARGE animal's stomach, that he would not forfeit the grace of God for worthless stuff, idols. And Jonah never knew if he would even ever hold another worthless thing in his hand again. God draws me in through Jonah's words. As I am caught in the midst of life's circumstances, am I missing a larger Story? What am I alive to this morning?

You see, I think it is terribly easy for us all to get lost in our circumstances of life. He knows. I started new meds for cancer treatment on the day I returned from The Cove. Letrozole has affected my body with a whirlwind of symptoms, exhausting me to where I have had to pull back again, physically. It's why I haven't posted. I can't quite catch up since I've finished radiation.

I came back from one of the most stirring conferences for me at The Cove. Came back to live broken not better before a beautiful good God. Is my deepest desire to hurt less or to live in brokenness? But I'm back to a life where things break down, like my car. Still working on a home for Macy---she's extended her stay at The Hill's. I so want her with me but financial priorities prevent it. Let the dog go, Bev! Our car has been in the shop to repair the transmission since June 17th---that's awful long. My son and I share a car with no a/c. It's been hot in Texas! And now I have a cyst on my right hand and the cancer treatments/meds have caused it damage---it's infected and hurts when I move my hand. So, what is God doing in my life? What is stirring inside of me? What is most alive?

C.S. Lewis wrote that the sweetest experience God gives us in this life is our desire for Him. A desire for God seems so alive in me even in the midst of all my mess. My struggles with circumstances reveal such a spirit of entitlement in me. Can I have break please?

I think some of the tears spilled into the Colorado River because I'm wrestling with fleshly desires. My battle is with my flesh and wanting to rise above my circumstances. But there's a deeper battle always going on. More than just wanting to be visible. More than wanting "a place in the sun, a place in our world." More than wanting to get ahead in life. The real battle that Ephesians 6 talks about is how our struggle is not against flesh and blood. It's not against our circumstances, our boss, our friend who ignites us. We are contending against world rulers of this present darkness. I am reading Buechner's The Magnificent Defeat and he writes about the battle: "to become at peace inside our skins, to become human. To be set free from our darkness. A darkness we never fully see nor fully understand nor feel fully responsible for---heaven knows we are responsible."

So what is my beautiful God doing in the chores of my life? I'm not sure, but this I know. God is bringing a little tiny ray of Light into my darkness. And HE has used so many of you to stir me up. Just like in Gen 1:3 where the Spirit of God was moving---Buechner says the word in the Hebrew means "brood"--- hovering over my darkness, "brooding" over my darkness---like a bird "brooding" over its nest til new life stirs beneath the sheltering wings. I don't know what's happening but I do know this. God is so moving in my mess of it all and stirring up new life in me as I go through some tough times. Do not pass me by, my good God. And if I think You are smiling on others and not on me, help me repent and respond to what you are doing in me. Sweet release not relief. The speaker at The Cove put it this way: "Love never allows more suffering unless to achieve the well-being of the beloved." YOU, O God, are brooding over my darkness til I become a little more alive.

A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!

God will wipe away our tears & the sweat of our brow

I just read the 19 comments from my last post all at once and am sitting here weeping, literally. I so wrestle with my weaknesses and see places in my heart that I think maybe the Gospel has not touched (that's a Paula Rinehart quote). I so long for Him and see how far I am sometimes. Then, even as I sit here, I see places in my heart where He has so shown up for me. I couldn't be any more grateful this night for what HE has done in my heart during these past six weeks of radiation. My Good God is making me a little less demanding, a little more dependent, a little less detached from anything for my Source other than Him. One more week of radiation to go.

I thought radiation would get easier as I adjusted. And I feel a pressure that if I was really walking with God, it would be better. Well, I am walking with God---He has me in tight places. My God is abundantly available in very tight places! Psalm 46:1-3. This past week was the hardest yet, partly because they upped the dosage of radiation for the end, since my margins were not clear and cancer remained in my chest wall. Sometimes I am exhausted to the point of collapsing. But the sheer terror inside of the machine is what gets to me. And the sheer terror of encountering a beautiful God is so there every single day. I have cried more tears this week than any other. This morning, Bob preached and he shared a quote from the Willow Creek Conference that he and Brooke attended this week. It went like this..."God will wipe away our tears and the sweat of our brow at the same time." A tender thought to me. Jesus sweat drops of blood to resist temptation---something we all know not.

I've been trying to remember all day what song we sang in church this morning that made me so want to worship Him. As I sat to write this post, the song just came on my Ipod (out of about 300 songs) and I didn't even know it was on there. God keeps doing that! "Open up the skies, fall down like rain. We don't want blessings. We want YOU." I sang it from the depths of my heart this morning and again tonight. I have so been touched by Divine Love in that radiation machine for 33 times, I can't explain it. "Here we go, let's go the Throne. To the place where we belong. Right into His Arms." All I can say is that He has so carried me through these six weeks in His Arms. And I pray that He will fall on me this week, fall down like rain, so I can finish what seems impossible to me.

If I finish on Friday, I will leave on Monday to go to The Cove in North Carolina for a conference. It's been in the plans for 3 years, Lord willing, and I don't know if I can make it. I'm burned from the higher dosages. But, I'm asking! I cannot thank you all enough for praying for me. I keep hearing about people I don't even know who are praying for me and that touches me so deeply. I've thought about the Good Samaritan in Luke 10 a lot lately. You've bound my wounds, you've poured your words and love on me, you've taken me into your heart, you've paid for things for me, you've taken care of me. And some of you have never laid eyes on me. Jesus asked the lawyer in the story, "Who proved to be a neighbor?" It's you!

My sweet girl Brooke is sitting two feet away from me as I type. It's been such a precious 2 weeks with her here. She has so helped me---cleaning out my closets, driving me everywhere, doing daily loads of clothes and dishes and stuff for her mommy. But more than that, she has made me laugh in the midst of my tears. She leaves in the morning for her stateside missionary assignment in Arlington, Texas. Brooke will be serving on the staff of a college ministry, mobilizing college students to do mission work. She'll be close this year and that makes this mom pretty happy. The IMB will provide her needs, except that she does need to find her own car for the year. I think we should say that God needs to find her a car! If you know of anyone who would like to donate a car to a non-profit or loan one out for a year, let us know. That's a big request---out of our reach! May Brookie bring these students the Word as it is in her heart! My prayer for my sweet girl: Joshua 14:7.

And it is my prayer for each of you this beautiful night. May you bring the Living Word to many, as it is on your heart!

Let the weak say, I am a warrior

Brooke is back. So grateful to our good God for giving her the best three years in Chiang-Mai Thailand. Jamie introduced Brooke to a world far away and a great God Who was so present for her there. Brooke sacrificed much to go, but received way more! And she left a big part of her heart there. Being with her this weekend has brought me great joy, way down deep. She's a Texan once again. My girl's back!

I thought Thursday was the worst radiation treatment ever but, no, Friday afternoon was indescribably horrific for me. I cry even writing this. I want to pretend nothing anymore. I panicked while in the machine and I don't know why. But I knew if I screamed, I would have to start over again. And if I moved, the radiation beam would radiate the wrong place. I lay silently still suffering. Maybe it's my own fault. All I know is this. God continues to expose areas in my heart and what is really happening inside of me as I lay it down before HIM to Whom we all give account.

I fear that moments like that is intolerable, simply overpowering. And I can't put it back together again either. Only the Great Physician can hold me together and sew me back with his surgery knife in His Hand. He can repair me and empower me to move back into my world, even powerless, to face and embrace what is happening inside of me as I lay still. One day, there will be no more tears. But this day, there are many.

But more than that physical stillness, as I lay still in my heart, I realize that nothing I can do will help me to recover the good life like it was in the Garden of Eden. I feel how desperately I long for God to let me find Him on that radiation table. And with a longing beyond words like in Romans 8:26, we all groan for Him. In that moment, I was afraid to look up for I wanted Him to leave me alone and make the panic stop but at the same second, I hoped against hope that HE would move and have mercy on me. It was a terrifying beyond imagination few minutes.

The therapists are aware when I'm really struggling as they see the tears spilling out of tightly closed eyes as they watch me on their video cam on the other side of the two-foot thick door. They bolted in to grab me and watch me sob. Paula kept saying over and over---"What can I do for you?" Nothing. And it's over...and a peace came over me as I exited the Friday afternoon machine that I can't explain. Always does, the minute I am out of it. The frantic pressure to handle a panic attack is relieved for I can't even do that--- and I am reduced to wanting my God more than ever whether in the machine or out---there is such Hope within me.

And my God began to speak to my heart. He spoke to me through the story of Gideon. Gideon was reduced to panic and fear yet God called him out of it. Brooke saw her mom's tears and looked with such compassion as we walked out. The battery was dead in our borrowed car so we had to wait a while for a "jump" and it was really okay. My car has been in the shop for 5 weeks now---can't seem to fix it. It's okay. God is doing a deep work in my life.

I read and re-read this weekend the story of Gideon in Judges 6: 12-24. "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valour." And God said those words to a fearful, hiding Gideon, working hard to gather up food, and make his life bearable. Gideon's response is priceless for our day: If God is with with us, then why is all this stuff happening to me? We measure a good life by what? If everything is going smoothly and our family cooperating with God and our success in our ministry? "Peace be with you Gideon, do not fear." My peace comes from God not from the resolution of my problems. I have a tingling passion of anticipation that I will find Him again this week at 8:40am. He's a good God and I'm learning so much about myself and life. Still scared but surrendered. If you think about me at 8:40am---I have 3 more weeks to go in the machine. 4 weeks down. Joel 3:10 - "Let the weak say, I am a warrior." I'm in a battle and I won't give up. Be still and know that I am God!

My Brookie Flies Over the Ocean

Bring Back my Brookie to me...
Brooke arrives in about 10 hours from Chiang-Mai, Thailand. I'll be in the radiation machine when her sweet "old" college roommates pick her up at the Austin airport tomorrow morning. She's home for good, Lord willing. She spent the past three years of her life bringing good news and binding up the brokenhearted in a land that was foreign to her. Isaiah 61:1. Thailand became like home to her and she so loved those people.

Today marked the halfway mark for my radiation treatments. Being in the radiation machine today was another new startling experience for me. All I can say is that it was the hardest one yet. Wonder why. Is the absence of temptation victory? Is the absence of conquering my fear in the machine defeat? Hardly so. I must not measure maturity by performance. It's not when I get comfortable doing something so unnatural to us all. Because my beautiful God is doing such a good work in me as I wrestle with the question of whether I am "safe." Providential suffering is a paved pathway to a Person who safely holds us together. Col 1:17. That's it. Those Unseen Eyes are watching our every thought and tear... and holding us.

While Bob was in ICU last week, I received a document of foreclosure on our home in Fort Worth. Quite unexpected. Our mortgage was paid up and we had applied for a loan to pay our taxes when I was diagnosed with cancer April 1st. The loan was approved and we even made our first payment. Yet, the house was foreclosed. A computer glitch, they said. So, cancel the foreclosure! Crazy! Seems like the enemy of our soul wants to discourage us. But we look to Him Who is Unseen. This is not about how strong I am to do this either. We cry to Him and He bends His Ear right down to me. He's listening. He sees it all. He's working on our behalf.

Our outer self is wasting away every day, but our inner self is being renewed day by day by day. For our light momentary afflictions are preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the Things that are Unseen. 2 Cor 4:16. Somehow, in that radiation machine, I have to believe that there is much more going on in that Room than the unpredictable methodical clicking of that terrifying ton of a machine.

I don't know how I can endure 19 more treatments. All I know is the One Who promises to be there for me. And HE has to this day. People say you are a survivor if you pass a certain point. The word "survivor" means statistics to me. I've been thinking about Romans 8:37 that we are more than "conquerors" through Christ Who loves us so. I think every day that we live for HIM, we are more than a conqueror. And my Christ will help me go through the second half of this. "He helps us in our weakness..." Rom 8:26.

So, as I hit the halfway mark, I just want to say to each of you that read this blog that I am so grateful that God has brought you alongside of us to walk with us through this. I couldn't do it alone. From my brand new friend, Rose, to my lifelong friend Mindy, you all have touched deep places in my heart. Your words have given me hope. Your actions have given me love! Your friendship has given me courage! I cannot thank you enough!

Be Still...what do I need to "let go" of?

Bob was released from ICU tonight and is home resting well. After undergoing two days of tests in the critical care unit, all of his heart structures are in very good shape. While they are not sure what caused him to faint at the wheel, the diagnosis remains bradycardia---slow heart rate. Not that uncommon for athletes to have a really low heart rate. We are so grateful to God for His evident Hand on Bob during the accident.

Bob will wear a heart monitor throughout this weekend. He has recovered well from the surgical procedure he had this afternoon, an electrophysiological study. They couldn't sedate him cause he had just eaten so he thinks he was privileged to watch the Electrophysiologist do the cauterization procedure up us legs into his heart---ask him about it. Oh my. Not me!

And I just have to add that it looked completely impossible for me to do two radiation treatments today to stay on course. Some complications with my skin had come up. My oncologist is closed tomorrow. But I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God this afternoon. God physically strengthened my weary body as I walked into the radiation oncologist's office again at 3pm to submit to the machine. A verse that meant much to me these 2 days was Exodus 14:14 that God will fight our battles, we just need to keep still. And the word "still" in the Hebrew meant to surrender, to let go---and know that He is God in the midst of our circumstances. Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10.

Psalm147:10-11 God's delight is not in the legs of a man but the LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His Unfailing Love, no matter what He sends our way. It has been an emotional two days for me and I have been spent in doing radiation and watching my husband in ICU. You know, our suffering is not a curse, but more like a mission to "let go" and honor a God Who has allowed things providentially and always for our good. We have to wrestle with Him until He changes our name. None of us want to suffer. Jesus asked for the cup to pass from Him. But, He also embraced his suffering and walked in it where His Heart brought Him to empty Himself. God is emptying us from things we've held onto that we need to "let go." Detaching us from dependence on anything that brings us Joy but HIM, even our health.

It's 8:30pm and we are on our way to bed. Good night sweet friends. HE has our attention. HE has our hearts. We don't have a definitive answer what went wrong. But we are seeing with eyes wide open precious ways to value learning to love more than resolution of our pain. Our problems are a pathway to our beautiful God. The back of the door of the wardrobe in Narnia opens and offers a journey to come alive in ways we know not.

God leads us into desert places and speaks tenderly there if we listen. Hosea 2:14. HE makes the valley of suffering, a Door of Hope. And it is our privilege to walk alongside of you and embrace those open doors of suffering and joy--- blindly & boldly and with fear & faith. Do I want to learn better to love my husband and my children and my world more than I want the pain to go away? Wondering what it looks like in our lives to open our hearts wider to love.

Our Sincere Gratitude for your Prayers and Love! Overwhelmed in Austin with His Kindness!

please pray for my husband

My husband passed out this morning for a few minutes while he was driving my son Britt's Scout. He ran off the road and God really protected him. The paramedics took him by ambulance to the hospital and the ambulance broke down on the way to the hospital---they had to get another one. Oh! They took him to St. David's and he has been in ICU all afternoon. They just moved him to ICU to monitor his heart rate which has been in the 40's. Thank you so much for praying! Bev

A Billboard in China

A friend of Barrett's was visiting China and looked up and saw this billboard and e-mailed it to Barrett who had no idea he was on a billboard---he raced in China and Korea recently. He did Treasure Island this weekend and I think he did great---he's off to compete for France in three races, France's Grand Prix or something like that. It will be very surreal if Brooke sees her brother on a billboard in China. Brooke is in China---on her way back home to the States. Can't wait to see my girl again! Really!Here is a different billboard where you can see the writing a little more. Can anyone read Chines---what does it say? Did you read about the family whose Christmas card ended up as advertisement on a billboard in Prague?

Tomorrow, Monday morning, I have 2 radiation treatments. 8:40am and 3:10pm. Oh dear me. I am taking life moment by moment. And may I be more concerned about my unholiness than about my pain! There is something that happens to my body every time I go into that radiation machine. My mind is clear and I know that it will not collapse on me nor stab me nor snatch me. My body remembers what my mind does not. Brings me back to my rape. I was unconscious for over 24 hours from alcohol poisoning but was with 4 teen boys for those 24 hours. They laid me unconscious at my family's doorstep the next day and ran. Pretty horrific.

But there is a Great Physician Who is in that room with me continuing a surgery on my heart as I live in the present moment and deal with what is in my heart. And it has caught me off guard how radiation treatments make me want to give my life and energy and passion to pursuing God's purposes and watching out for the contrary agendas within me. And repent. LORD have mercy on me in that thing. God doesn't always give and guarantee us instant comfort but HE never means anything we go through except for my good. I was reading this afternoon: "Our agenda is to fix the world until it can properly take care of us. God's agenda is to bring all things together in Christ until every knee bows before Him." The book went on to say how people equate peace with pleasant circumstances. "God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His Goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low." "Whenever we place a higher priority on solving our problems than on pursuing God, we are immoral."

Before one of my radiation treatments last week, God placed on my heart to find a homeless person and give them something that day. I usually avoid them---thinking they need to find a job. They are prolific in Austin and the city takes care of them---boggles my mind. I also think they may pull me out of my car. I shared with a clean-cut attractive lady sitting next to me at my radiation oncologist's office that morning that I had been terrified to go in for my radiation treatment that day, but God had given me 2Cor 1:9 that I must rely not on myself and how strong I am but on God Who raises the dead. She began weeping uncontrollably and said that was what her pastor preached on last Sunday and she was struggling immensely because she was a homeless person, living in her car, for the past year---even though she had a full-time job. We talked for about an hour. God's Agenda: every knee shall bow before Him. This is not about solving all our problems but pursuing our beautiful God in the midst. He's good!

8:40 AM - Safe in The Shadow

Groping for the light switch in the radiation prep room, I decided to pull the string. It was a shrieking strobe alarm that blasted into the darkness. Doctors and nurses came running. Week #2 started off with a stir. Tackling cancer diagnosis and treatments sometimes makes you feel like a junior college transfer student heading to an ivy league school.

I met with my radiation oncologist today to discuss the radiation treatments. I trust this guy with my life---I trust my God with my life. My radiation oncologist said to me that not having a 4th surgery was risky and he was going to make up for it by adding additional radiation treatments. He was stuck between the opinions of my other oncologists. "Caught in the middle." "Risky" was not the word I was hoping to hear today. You realize, in the still of the night, that we are all in His Hands.

Every morning, I jog about a mile or two or three around 6:30am and ask God what He is saying to me in all of this. He is "emptying spaces in my heart that I have filled up with myself" and other stuff. Detaching me from dependence on any source of Joy other than Him. Walking into the Radiation Room is a good thing for me to face. Embrace the suffering of cancer. It's not about finding relief from this Providential suffering. It's all about finding God in the midst. He is so showing up for me. Not because I am so strong. Quite the contrary. My body quakes when they put me through the treatment. I walk in to face this machine sobbing and walk out sobbing even harder. Then it's over for the day. Sometimes 8:40AM passes faster than others---not Wednesdays though. They need a new X-ray every Wednesday. I panicked about half way through this morning yet God so helped me push through. That's all I can say. "Be my Shepherd, carry me forever." Psalm 28:9. He is carrying me through this.

Every evening, I ask my beautiful God to give me His Word to face a new day. Not to claim a verse so everything will be okay... but to meet my God there, the Living Word. I don't want to use HIM to give me power and strength and victory and go on my way. I want to fall forward and find a rest, a peace in these circumstances that doesn't come from relief but relationship.

I read 2 Cor 1:9 where Paul talked about how he despaired of his life because of all the circumstances that happened to him. But Paul wrote that his experiences made him rely not on himself and how strong and positive he could be. What happened to him made him depend on a God Who raises the dead. That verse so spoke to me. What does it look like to depend on God's strength and not my own? Does it mean you just keep your mouth shut? Does it mean the absence of temptation? Does it mean I'll walk without fear? Does it mean I will find relief in all my problems? I don't think it means any of that. Not if I am living in the present moment and facing what is really in my heart. "Though the mountains shake and the hills be removed, My Unfailing Love will not be shaken. My Covenant of Peace to you will not be removed," says the God we so love and adore. The God Who has compassion on me and you.

I am finding a peace I know not. A rest I've not entered before. Small seismic shifts. A little more solid while a lot of chaos as traumas of my past enter my heart and overwhelm me in that machine where I am all alone behind massive sealed doors. But no, I'm never alone. I knew there was no one in the waiting room praying for me today, no one waiting for me. My car was broken and I had to be dropped off so my son could get to where he needed to be. God used that expereince to draw me closer. I had set up to listen to Paul Baloche during the treatment, but instead Darlene Zsech came on singing "He Has Made Me Glad." My Shield. My Strength. My Portion. My Deliverer. My Shelter. Strong Tower. A Very Present Help in Time of Need.

8:40AM Monday through Fridays. I am in a machine that I want to welcome as my friend where I face my fears and embrace the Providential suffering that my God is using to wake me up. 6 down and 31 to go and that makes me quiver---how will I make it? But it's a place where I am hidden in that Radiation Room and covered by His Hand. And I don't know how. But He is giving me courage to live my life truthfully and deal with my feelings of failure rising up. "I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the shadow of My Hand." Isaiah 51;16.
If you remember around 8:40AM any day of the week, would you say a prayer for me that God keeps me safe in that Shadow. Love to each of you! Bev

Written at: 4:05:06 on 07.08.09

8:40am and 4:20pm ................................. A Double Dose of The Door

I walked a mile under sultry thunderclouds before my first day of radiation this morning. Listened over and over to Mercy Me's "Bring The Rain." Bring me Joy. Bring me Peace. Bring the chance to be Free. Bring me anything that brings you Glory. I know there will be days when life brings me pain and if that's what it takes: Jesus bring the Rain. And rain it did all over Austin and all over this little girl's heart as I faced my fears and traumas of days gone by and walked into that Radiation Room this morning. First, I had to have another CT Scan---you are kidding, right? I jumped on that CT scan table and said: "Let's embrace this fear and believe me---this is not about how strong I am."

As I passed the 2-foot walled Door to walk into the Radiation Room, I did sense the Presence of my very good God and his holiness. The Door freaked me out as it shut behind me. Alone. There is a sense that we walk alone with our God. He was there! It took about 15 minutes to take the x-rays and do the first radiation---- that seemed like an hour. The tech said "Close your eyes, really tight." My reply: "I'm even scared of the dark."

All I can say is that God has brought me to this place and He was good to me today even in my terror. I never dreamed I could even look at the 2-foot door but I actually patted it on the way out and said: "You have no power over me to wall me in." This experience is my new friend, James 1:3, and I count it joy to face this trial and ask my beautiful God to free me up in these fears that have gripped my life. No more! May I want His Glory more than my own comfort and sanity.

God was so good to me today. I sobbed as two techs rushed in to rescue me. I had already been rescued and was safe in His Hands. I'll have to take Radiation one day at a time. Tomorrow, July 2nd, is my son's birthday and I will choose to have two radiation treatments 8:40am and 4:20pm since they will be closed on Friday. I could have done just one. No, I will push through this and trust Him! I tried to go to a church staff luncheon after radiation this morning, and made it almost through. I turned to my husband and said: "you have to bring me home right now." I was so exhausted! And I went to sleep around 1pm and slept so sweetly for 4 hours. I cannot thank you enough for praying for me. This was one of the hardest days for me!

Happy Birthday to my precious boy, Britt. He will turn 18 tomorrow, July 2nd. He's at CONA this week, The Conference on National Affairs, with YMCA Youth & Government in Black Mountain, North Carolina having the time of his life. His proposal on Title IX Reform made it to 2nd committee. Woohoo!

Eighteen years ago, I lost three babies in one year. Two were ectopic pregnancies. The doctors said we could never get pregnant again after 7 years of infertility. The next month I became pregnant, my 4th pregnancy in one year, and it was another ectopic pregnancy. I begged the doctors to wait before they took this one. Had to stay close to a hospital cause you can literally bleed to death if they rupture. My friend, Kellie, asked me at our kindergarten class party if she could pray for me in the school hall. Kellie laid her hands on me and asked God to give this baby life. I felt heat come from her hands into my body. So surreal. I went back to my OB doctor the next day and asked for a sonogram to appease me cause we had prayed for this baby to move through the tubes. I'll never forget my OB's words as he scanned over the picture of what was inside of me. "Look at this heart beating. Your baby is safe. He is in no longer in the tubes." His name is Britt and he will be 18 tomorrow.

And the beat of Britt's heart is for his God whom he loves and wrestles with---a God that He is finding hopefully in places like Black Mountain and at his new home, Austin Texas. He has been the joy of my life as my older three left for college several years ago. Never complains. Loves life. Such a hard worker. And he honors this mom who prayed for him. I remember touching his long toes for the first time to see if he was really alive. So grateful to our amazing God for this little big miracle who has grown into a 6'4" frame of His power to save.

God is so working in my heart to free me up and help me live in this present moment. May I be much more concerned with my weak Christianity at times than over any harm that has been done to me. My God will never harm me---even this is for my good. He's a good God! Pray for a double dose of my good God tomorrow at 8:40am and again at 4:20pm. How in the world can I do it? IDK. All I know is that He helped me leap over that 2-foot thick door this morning. HE gave me Hope not Relief in the midst of all I carry in my heavy heart. Your prayers mean more to me than words I can find. I need Him so. Moment by Moment. Little by Little. Exodus 23:27-31.

As we celebrate our Independence Day, may we find our own freedom from fear and harm and life itself. Happy Fourth of July to you and your family. May you find a little more freedom in your heart, this weekend, than you have ever known.