Let the Joy Bells Ring

The news on Friday was not what I had hoped. I will undergo more scans and tests because of the cancer in my chest wall. I sat in St. David's Hospital on Friday and panic washed over me as I listened to the doctor's concerns. So, how should I think? How should I live? Acts 17:26 came to my mind that God has appointed my times and boundaries that I should reach out for Him and grope in the darkness and find Him. The verse says HE is closer than we all know.

I am in the midst of several trials right now. So is Bob and Britt---that's our whole household. Sometimes, it just happens that way. It's my birthday today and I sit and reflect this morning on another year. It's been hard. I just read this quote in Crabb's book Real Church: "It's hard to set the panic aside; to move through the pain; to delay gratification; to live feeling empty, worthless, betrayed, and to ask: Okay, what's the big picture here? What kind of person do I want to be for my kids, for my friends, for me, for my God in the middle of this mess? What kind of values do I want to uphold? What matters the most at any cost to me? What is my life really all about right now and what fire is still burning in me that can keep me moving toward something truly good?" Yes!

Yes, I am struggling lots and sometimes struggling better in some moments than others. I'm kind of a mess right now. But I am a glorious mess! And, with tears streaming down my face, I can say there is a fire burning within me that no circumstance, no trial can put out. "There is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones and I am weary with holding it in and I cannot." Jer. 20:9. And for that, I praise Him! He is the fire that burns within you and me. I'm so grateful on this day for the ways God has used each of you in my life to stir up such good things inside of me. So grateful on this birth day for a beautiful God Who keeps showing up and stirring me up.

There was another quote in the book that jumped out at me as I read: "Every good thing you used to cling to, you come to see what it is in reality: a mere drop of pleasure in an ocean of joy, a drop you can lose without really losing anything." So, as I let go of some things even on this birth day---things like unfulfilled desires and expectations, I hear some incredible joy bells ringing in my heart. I don't want to spend another day, another year clinging to worthless stuff! Jonah 2:8. Let the joy bells ring! I'm dancing on an ocean floor of joy.

God Showed Up at the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

Locked out of my own car! Actually, it's the mechanics fixxer-upper car I was locked out of---our Pathfinder is still in the shop since June 17th---ha! I saw the car keys on the seat as I swung the door shut! Waiting 2 hours on the curb of the Hyde Park Post Office for Mr. Pop-A-Lock...and a friend calls to tell me a quote: Hmmmm. I found a piece of paper and a pen on the ground and jotted the Crabb quote down: "Life gets steeper so that strength must increase as weakness intensifies."

I have been struggling over here with my health on these new cancer meds. I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Working full-time and totally exhausted. That's why I haven't been online---just can't do it right now. But, I think that I am struggling well not wanting to improve my life but to invite the beautiful God I so adore into my mess and invest in what lasts forever. It has been a very difficult two months in so many ways. More trials than usual. I thought if only I could get through the 36 radiation treatments this summer, I'd be okay. But, no, Acts 14:22 says it is necessary that we encounter a few troubles on the way into the Kingdom. And we never know when those troubles may come.

My health decline as well as my circumstances have only exacerbated the mess in my own heart. I have been fainting again in the middle of the night. Low blood pressure that sinks way too low. It only lasts a second or two but the experience is horrific as I lose control of my body and even have a tiny bit of paralysis where I cannot talk or think straight. I'm always able to fall right back asleep but it is such a scary thing to go through. It has been happening about every other night. God is giving me courage. I did the Susan G. Komen Race---20,000 runners. I ran smack into one of my oncologists who ran a mile with me and gave me unbelievable counsel as to what was going on. It was as though God was standing right there reaching out to me! Acts 17:26---HE has appointed our times and boundaries so we will seek Him and reach out to HIM and find Him. And I am! And it doesn't get any better than that!

Here's where it gets exciting. I'm entering a rest I have never known before. There's an unlocked door in my heart that my Defender, my Savior, my good God is inviting me into. HE is the Doorkeeper. HE is the one engineering everything. And we are on our way into the Kingdom!

I cannot thank you enough for all of your texts, notes, comments and calls, lately. They have meant a lot to me at a time where I have not been able to respond back because of several health issues. I had a bone scan this week because I have continued to bruise easily. A minor accident turned major.

This coming Friday begins my first three-day examination since being diagnosed with cancer. I'll know by Friday at 5:00pm if the cancer is still there. After my third surgery, cancer was still present and the plan was to attack it with radiation. We'll see if that plan worked. If you think about me on Friday, please pray for Peace from a good God Whom I so trust. John 16:33---in ME, you will have Peace, not in the escape or solution of our issues. I think I am doing well in the midst of some hard times over here. I don't know. I just know that a very good God keeps showing up at Post Office curbs and Komen 10K races and at a tiny apartment on the southside of town. Looking up! So grateful for your friendship! My Love to each of you!