The Fray of My Heart

Britt Returns from Bolivia

2012-01-17T21:00:00.000-06:00

* Thank You from Beautiful Bolivia *

This is Britt. I want to say a huge Thank Youfor your awesome support

of my trip to Bolivia through your prayers andfinancial gifts.

It was so exciting to be a part ofwhat God is doing in Bolivia. I was a part of a group of 15 Pine Cove stafferswho partnered with Camp Kewiña in Cochabamba within the network of ChristianCamping International. This was the 1^st year for this partnershipfor Pine Cove. It was a humbling experience to help teach their native staffsome of the things we do to run a camp well and learn from them how to sharethe gospel message in their cultural context.

We actually ran a camp of high school students with the Bolivianleadership,

incorporating theme nights and allthose things that make Pine Cove what it is---

an awesome place to find God andknow Him better.

I learnedthat God moves despite the cultural barriers.
God is working all over theworld, not just America.

We share one common goal to know Christ and make Him known. Philippians3:10

On our day off, we hiked up a mountain with a crazy steep incline & visitedthe Cristo de la Concordia. Look at the amazing view of 2 million people in Cochabamba as we gazedfrom inside of the huge statue of Christ.

I made lifelong friends in Bolivia. I’ll serve with these guys this summer as I’ll be a Senior Counselor at Pine Cove Camps. If you’d like to read more about our time in Bolivia, our ministry blog is: http://towersbolivia.blogspot.com.

Because of you, I could go.

My sincere gratitude

for helping to send me to Bolivia. Britt

Whisper A Little Prayer for Britt in Bolivia

2011-12-30T22:59:00.002-06:00

Would you whisper a little prayer for my boy? Britt leaves for Bolivia on Tuesday on a mission trip with the leaders of Pine Cove Camps. It's a beautiful vision PCC is bringing to several places in South America.

We're on our way to Pine Cove this weekend. What stirs in Britt's heart is such a good thing. He could be spending his Christmas break skiing with his buddies. He wanted to be a part of making a difference in Bolivia.

We would be so humbled if you joined us in praying for Britt sometime during the next two weeks. Pray God's Protection over my boy. He has finally recovered from a year-long bout with mono. Pray God's Good Hand over the 15 college students and Pine Cove leaders on this trip. May they all be "gripped" by a very Good God.

And pray that the rest of his money comes in by this Tuesday when he leaves. He still is in need of about $500. Would you like to join in on what God is doing in another country? If God leads you to send $5 or $50, you can send it to Britt by PayPal. So appreciative! Our PayPal account address is: sixbrandons@sbcglobal.net. You may call Britt directly to talk or pray with him about his trip, if you would like ~ 817.915.3349.

To those of you who gave to Britt to make this dream of his come true, this mom sends a huge note of thanks. This has been a very tight tough year financially for us, coming off of cancer. God has stepped into our midst and provided in our need in ways that just doesn't happen very often in America. Long story. Big God! We are so grateful that Britt has this awesome opportunity.

There is always a "ram in the thicket" and may we have eyes to see what God is doing in our lives. May He provide for our son and those he will reach, beyond what we can ask.

A Thousand Thanks for caring about our youngest boy whom God is stirring. Would you say a little prayer for him this day?

Happy Birthday Barrett

2011-12-27T23:42:00.001-06:00

Happy 30th Birthday Barrett

We've watched you train to become one of the most awesome pro triathletes out there.

You've always had an awesome work ethic.

You have your dad's #1-in-the-country genes.

Your mom remembers most of the past three decades.

You brought us more joy than I can ever tell.

Your sisters adored you ... and they still do!

Whether it's placing 5th in the ITU Team Triathlon World Championships in Switzerland

Or 1st in a 25-mile bike ride when you were four, your family believes in you

and loves you more than you will ever know.

Not for what you do, but for who you are.

We may not be able to travel the world to follow you, but you will always be in our hearts.

And this mom is right there with you---I'm staying forever there

praying for you every day of your awesome life.

Loving the young man whom you have become!

Little Britt came along ten years after you were born.

Looks like you are almost passing up the 6' 4" fella.

He doesn't remember much of the three of you being at home.

But as he has entered college last year, he is fast becoming your best buddy. I love my boys!

Three Christmas decades ago I checked into a Fort Worth hospital to deliver an overdue baby

who took 2 MORE DAYS to be born.

You have always approached life

with brewing curiosity and boiling charm.

Whether we were on a Real Farm like above or the Worm Farm we enjoyed or watching tractors

You have marked us all forever

beyond my dreams!

Your family thinks the world of you!

And now your wife has stepped in

to love and cherish and she does!

On Christmas Day when you were asked

what is beautiful in your life,

your immediate response was: My Wife!

You're humble and passionate and tenacious and bright and

you're on the right path of life.

Keep on fighting the good fight of faith. I Tim 6:12

Happy Birthday Son!

Your Madre Loves You More Than Tongue Can Tell

"The Other Side"

2011-06-26T21:51:00.000-06:00

I am being swept away by a Beautiful God in Seattle. Something about Him carries us away. It's Him Here! Just ate dinner at a quaint milltown restaurant in this spectacularness no words can describe. Would have to make them up. Mount Rainier sits outside my window.

My oldest boy, Barrett, sits across the booth. Bob will leave us in a few minutes to go back to his dad who was hospitalized just yesterday, upon our arrival here---oh my!

Barrett competed yesterday in the ITU Pan American Cup in Monroe, Washington. Bob and Terri Crowell and their two boys rolled out the red carpet for him, literally! Bob & I cheered and texted and screamed and jumped up-and-down as Barrett swam two laps, 1.5 km with Mount Rainier in the backdrop. Transition was a stone's throw and we watched all eight who came out of the swim together shimmer through to their bikes in seconds! That was a rare treat to see! Next up, 40 km on the Bike, 8 laps and we loved every one of them! Barrett was in the lead pack with 12 others. Tight like sardines. This mom holding her breath taking pictures furiously, praying wildly. Again, eight of them off the bike to the run, all together. So his swim and bike was just fabulous. The run was oh-so-hard. Hunter pulled ahead to run the 10 km and win it all. Barrett came in 8th. Top Ten made money---that's a very good thing! Good and bad in every race. Never-perfect competitions. Chasing his dreams! Love it! Next stop is the Edmonton World Cup. Only six Americans are invited to compete and Barrett will be one of them.

Back at the restaurant, the waitress lights up: "Did you see Mount Rainier?" You know, when the locals never tire of the majestic mount, that's something! You see, they don't see it very often. It's there but not visible to them day after monotonous day. No, they rarely see it in this village. So when she peaks through the clouds, the community awakes from their slumbering daily race and cheers.

Brings to mind a story that George MacDonald told about Jesus' death. "After He had gone out of their sight, and they looked all around and down in the grave and up in the air, and did not see him anywhere---they thought they had lost Him. But, He began to come to them again from The Other Side---from The Inside! The meaning of anything is more than its visible presence." The disciples began to see things that they had never seen before when Jesus was with them. They loved Him so but forgot His Words and cowered when asked if He was their friend. But not in Acts! Just like that missing mountain, they appreciated and abided in Him so much more after His Death. Nothing physical anymore.

His Spirit is more than a bodily presence. He has given each of us a Gift of the Spirit of God in our inmost being. He gives us This Gift and gives us the ability to enjoy it through His Power. Unbelievable! So, when rest evades me, when hospital visits wear us thin, when peace about our dire circumstances doesn't pass understanding, and if there are no joy bells ringing in my heart, then what has gone amiss??? We have The Gift! He's here but maybe I'm not all there. And those are simply signposts that cause us to take a deep look inside our empty hearts. The Spirit of God is waiting to fill that empty space with Himself, The Gift! He's here in Seattle. He'll be back home with me tomorrow as we wave goodbye to Brooke sending her to Thailand for a bit. Then, welcome Britt home from counseling kids at Pine Cove this summer. Then, pray for Blair who is moving once again due to flooding. There's the update on the Brandon front.

So grateful to a Good God awakening my own heart in the midst of some suffering! When do you find yourself most awake with Him?

10,800 Days of Being a Mom

2011-04-23T22:56:00.001-06:00

Happy Easter to you and your family! May your Sunday be full of promise and hope. May you leave your Easter service a changed person.

Empty nests---no bunnies here. Our Easter plans were firm and fun. All eight of us here in ATX. Then, someone threw more than one bunny wrench in the Easter plans and I'm home alone for Easter weekend for the first time E.V.E.R.

Folding up the apron, sending all the kids off to college and marriage, no one home for such a Holiday, the silence is deafening to me. Brooke said I'm having a double case of emptynesters cause I was a mama for longer than most people have kids at home---like 30 years worth. That's 10,800 days living with children and I loved every single day, or parts thereof! It's been 233 days without children. Look who's counting!

Brookie said I need to find a hobby like scrapbooking all those pictures I took over the lifetime. Funny how people think you don't have anything to do if you're an emptynester.  I have enough to do to last me a lifetime! More goals than I can accomplish---that's not the problema. Teaching full-time. Counseling Courses. Continuing Education Classes. Leading bible studies. Writing. Speaking. Mentoring....On and On. I even went to the Holy Land!

I've thought a lot about I Samuel 30:6 for this season of my life. "David encouraged himself in the LORD." I've spent my life surrounded by people I deeply loved and they are g.o.n.e. They've moved on to begin their own lives and that's good and right. For me, it's like going from living in the middle of Grand Central Station to an anechoic Silence Chamber (I googled it!). I want someone to shoot me with a paintball gun (really now!). I Want To: Step on a Lego.  Clean up spilled messes. Play hot wheels with a little boy. Make faces on sandwiches. Crawl in a kid's bed and pray with them. Throw water balloons off the balcony. Read Daniel in the Lion's Den to my boys. I want to take them on v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n. Can I borrow your kid?

Manana, I get to celebrate the God I so ADORE and I cannot wait! I trained 8 weeks for tomorrow's service at Austin Stone to offer counseling at the end...so excited to serve! And, Bob will be preaching an Easter sermon! Can't wait to see what God does. Let's Celebrate God this Easter Sunday. Sing together---everyone! All you honest hearts, raise the roof, Psalm 32:11.

I walked into the tomb where Jesus was buried in Jerusalem last November and looked right, just like it says in the Bible, and He was not there! The stone was rolled away not to let Him out---He was already gone! He let all humanity in when His Angel rolled away the stone. And, One Day, He's coming again and will split humanity into those who followed Him and those who wouldn't.

So, I'm back to I Samuel 30:6. This week has been so difficult and I was so looking forward to Easter with my family. Didn't happen. So how do you encourage yourself in the LORD when life sends you into a frenzy, a funk?  This text says that David took it all patiently and exercised faith in his God. How do you do that? Maybe, I'm asking the wrong question. It's not about "doing." Not about figuring it out. David leaned hard on God's Power and Providence, whatever it is God IS providing for you.  He fell forward on God's faithfulness cause He won't ever walk away from us even though people have walked away from me.  David remembered God's Grace and God's Goodness. What comes to my mind this very moment about His Goodness to me? Think on that.

David never lost hope that God would appear for him in some way or another and work it out.  Is my hope in God or in solutions? Am I willing to live with problems unsolved, unconquered? "David strengthened himself in the Word of His LORD." What Word is God speaking to me? Okay God, I'm setting my hope on your Grace, I Peter 1:13. Believing you for Isaiah 43:19. BEHOLD. I will do something "new" for emptynesters.  David was brought low before he was raised up to the throne. I'm pretty low, Dear God, but, I'm taking my encouragement from Your Word!

WON! COME!

2011-04-01T23:57:00.140-06:00

Two years ago to this very day, frightful words freighted out of an unknown visiting doctor's mouth.  A train wrecked in my heart, and I dropped to the feet of my husband and sobbed on his wing-tipped shoes, and I faced my own mortality. A grim diagnosis of cancer, metastasized. A flagrant miss on my last mammogram. Unnoticed by the radiologist. So noticed by a Good God, not a Grandfather God, but a very Good God Who is always out for doing us good, no matter what. Jeremiah 33:20---I mean, when was the Last Time that the Sun didn't set or dawn at the right time? When is the Last Time God refused to be good to me and to you? My life so wants to tell of the Goodness of God!

Two years down the road and my hand is over my mouth in awe. I used to have a lot more words, loads of loquacious complaint yet worship and grimace yet gratitude. But this anniversary, I'm all silenced. You see, my circumstances have esoterically gone*haywire*awry*languor*imbroglio*

Struggling for petrichor---the smell of the earth after rain. Psalm 27:13-14
Struggling for panacea---the solution to at least one of the problems we face. 2 Chron 20:12
Struggling for peace---not offense, blessed are you when you are Not.Offended.by.God. Luke 7:22
Struggling for my place in this worn world---advancing Good News that Christ can be formed in you and you and you. Gal 4:19

Fast Forward to Revelations...
Peruse and Peer and Peek into Eternity---what do we hear there? Rev. 19: 6-8 Hallelujah! Rejoice and Be Glad. Give Him Glory! For the Wedding of the Lamb has come and His Bride has made herself ready! So how are we doing making ourselves ready?

If we call Him LORD, we'll be doing the right things. But if I make my aim: Great marriage, successful ministry, awesome kids, fulfilling friendships...wait! That's not what is being proclaimed in Eternity. What is being proclaimed in Revelations 19 is twofold: Won! Come!
1. The Final Victory has already been WON! Christ Jesus accomplished His Plan and reigns forever!
2. The Marriage Supper of the Lamb has COME! We have been invited to the Wedding, in truth, you are the Bride. You stand scarlet no more. Your sins are gone. You stand before your Groom, pure and holy as He!

We are not singing a song that we've done it! That our children turned out great! Or, here's our successful ministries planted in Your Name! Or even, my marriage was awesome! Look what I did with my life! No. No. We are singing His Praises from way-down-deep gratitude for lives lived in His Presence, by His Power that changed us and made us who we are walking down the aisle.

And with my hand over my mouth, I kneel this night to close this hard cancer anniversary in surrender to a very Good God. With Reticence and Rest, I come to find Strength and Power to move out in Life and Love, not counting my way-too-many sorrows, but counting on the opportunities to bring others with me. I hear His Words that He has spoken to me and they are for you too.  Deut 32:47. No idle words, they are our very life!  Whatever is not of the Attitude of my Christ, Phil 3:15, reveal where I've forgotten, where I've failed, where I faint. Let me be more "taken" with Your Love than with my failures. With Your Hand of Grace on our Shoulders, and by Your Unbelievable Power, we will change it and truly live. Not in our own Energy, but in yours, Col 1:29, the Energy of Christ so powerfully at work in you and me.

Blessed are those not.offended.in.God.  Luke 7:22.
In the corridors of truth, may I not miss the Mystery, a liminal place between two threshholds of time. Today and Eternity. We will throw all this sempiternal stuff down before the God-Who-Sees-All. Gen. 21:19. Lay down the doings this day. There's a Larger Story than just my little life of securing steady work and leaving legacies and growing gardens and fighting foes and creating children and daring to dream. Doesn't mean we ever stop doing good. Just says that in Eternity, we will be singing His Praises not our own, no matter what!

Ann Voskamp, http://www.aholyexperience.com/  writes on her blog about the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina. Ann is offering a random scholarship for one Judges 6:12 mighty warrior like Gideon who was scared stiff in his story but so wanting to serve.  Oh, may our Good God use us to birth stories of service and grace. I am in the pains of childbirth that Christ be formed in me and in you! Gal. 4:19.

These women, http://shespeaksconference.com/, are conduits of composing this Psalm 45:1 kind of offer for writers, speakers, and ministry leaders. We all only have this moment, this life to leave a legacy, make a mark, reach out with redemptive rhetoric. If you've held tightly any thoughts of writing and speaking and ministering in leadership, then check out Lysa TerKeurst's blog http://lysaterkeurst.com/ and meet an amazing woman who is a "minister of the Word" (Luke 1:2). Titus 1:1 says that we are all servants of the Word of God for the faith of His People and the Knowledge of the Truth that leads to changed lives---that Christ be formed in many mighty warriors!

She Speaks ... Proverbs 31:25

2011-03-19T23:13:00.111-06:00

Amazing Awesome Awestruck Austin Spring Break!!!
So why am I crying?

Just delivered my mono-sick college boy to his home under the Supermoon,
brought Britt back to Jester Dorm at the ~~March-Madness winning~~ University of Texas.
Total privilege to be Britt's Mama & "Minister of the Word" like Dr. Luke says in Luke 1:2,
"Minister" - it's a medical term meaning serving under a physician, The Great Physician!
Britt is my caboose and my freighted soul has folded my apron once again this week.
Why is this so hard to say goodbye this time?

Loved every spring break second of serving Britt who is oh-so-sick since November, and
Loved serving 99 college students my daughter Brooke brought down from UTA for a missions trip
to serve our city's children and homeless and underserved.
Helped cook 60 pounds of chicken and 110 pounds of beef and 10 pounds of brownies and 15 pounds of peach cobbler and ...
the loquacious calories and 99 liminal lives I loved have moved on.
What stirs so heavy my weighted wonderful looming lunar life?

~I long to finish well~
God has orchestrated a transition for us. It is so God!
We're between jobs, between insurance, between a place to live,
between friends, between churches, NO LONGER in between cancer...
"Detaching me from Dependence on anything that brings me joy other than Him," 66 Love Letters
Bob lost his church job and we cannot wait to find another ministry to serve!
But we wait on God, Psalm 27:13-14, not on any man.
And I ask myself, is there anything I want more than the Love of my Christ?

For the past three decades in a row, I've had a myriad of children tugging at my skirt and heart.
The moon is rising in my heart, raising four and many more to know Him and live alive!
Speaking and writing, though sporadic, overwhelmed me with such joy
while mothering and ministering and I'd love to go back to speaking again.
I loved every esoteric exigent ineffable chapter we just closed
and it's bothering me that's there are no re-runs.
O God, help me face this new opportunity to love my husband,
love my world with fearless courage (Phil 1:9 Moffat).
So what is the Beautiful God I so adore stirring inside of me?

This I know...
It's not what happens to us along the way
but what happens inside of us that matters for Eternity.
And it's a Beautiful God that is so stirring up Hope and Confidence in all the messes I've made.
C.S. Lewis once said: "No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good."
I'm seeing more of the sin that resides in me, Rom 7:18, that I never ever dared dream was there,
and at the same time, seeing oh-so-much-more hope within that I never dreamed I could live in!
And I worship! And it's my fears that cause me to worship The Messiah of My Dreams.
And I want! To walk alongside others and offer hope and courage and dreams.
And I wonder! Do I really hate my sin more than my suffering?

So, that's why I'm entering this opportunity to win a Cecil Murphy Scholarship to attend the She Speaks Conference this summer. Renee Swope is the kind conduit of composing this Psalm 45:1 kind of offer: http://www.reneeswope.blogspot.com/
She Speaks, click http://shespeaksconference.com/, is a once-in-a-lifetime learning opportunity for writers, speakers, and ministry leaders.
Editors and industry professionals are close-up and personally available with advice and direction. If God is stirring words and wit and wisdom in your heart, this conference is the place to be in July. We all only have this moment, this life to leave a legacy, make a mark, reach out with redemptive rhetoric. If you've held tightly any thoughts of writing and speaking and ministering in leadership, then check out Lysa TerKeurst's blog http://lysaterkeurst.com/ and meet an amazing woman who is a "minister of the Word" (Luke 1:2).
Titus 1:1 says that we are all servants of the Word of God for the faith of His People and the Knowledge of the Truth that leads to changed lives! Mine and yours! I so want to finish well!

So what are these tears for?
When is the Last Time the ordained moon didn't rise? Psalm 8:3
When is the Last Time He refused to be good to you and to me? Jeremiah 33:20
My God is about to do something new. Isaiah 43:19
Would you pray that I find Him in these present sufferings. Romans 8:18
I so miss my kids under the dine of every shining moon!

99 Spring Break Students + Britt = 100

2011-03-14T12:55:00.001-06:00

They say "no news is good news." Who is they? My oncologist has not called with the results of my latest scans. Waiting...

Meanwhile, I sit at Seton Hospital waiting for my youngest boy to be X-rayed for pneumonia, again. He's had it since Christmas. Why can't a strapping young boy fight off walking pneumonia? Mono.

From the swamped hospital waiting room, I swipe my own doctor's office for results. There's James on the end of the line: "Mrs. Brandon (who is holding her breath), Everything looks normal. Markers are stable." Breathe out. And I believe it's quite all right with the God I so adore to hold my breath for a second or two to see what's next.

For my joy, my rest comes not from cancer-free news or job-of-the-decade news or even a job.
Isaiah 30:15 "In Returnings and Rest,
In Quietness and Confidence, my Strength is in You.
It is good news that my cancer remains within a normal range.  My tumor markers won't go down to zero because of metastasis. But these are just numbers, mere information, and I wait on a very Good God, no matter what. Test results are not our hope and joy, only He is.

Britt's home for Spring Break, sleeping the week away, trying to recuperate...we'll see what the doctor says. And we'll keep on praying for good health. In the waiting room...

Brooke and her BSU staff are here in A-town all week. She brought 99 students.  99 UT college students!!!!!   From the other A-town. Here to serve our city! Britt & I helped serve roast & potatoes last night and then the worship---touched my soul deeply!!!   Here are kids who are truly waiting on God.

This emptynester is like off the charts in spring-break-week-off excitement having two of mine own HOME. I miss my kids more than I can ever say. Three straight decades of children tugging on my skirt and heart and not a day off! They say it will get better...hmmm.  On my way to go help cook dinner for the 99. You know I am ecstatic!

Isaiah 30:18 - The LORD longs to be compassionate on every one of us. Britt asleep. Tsunamis ravaging oh so many. The tsunami photos are horrificly chilling to see a city obliterated in a city minute. Praying God's Compassion on all.

We wait, not on any test results, not on any man. We wait on a very Good God Whose Eyes run back and forth the whole earth to show Himself strong, 2 Chron 16:9. To me and to you! Will our lives cause His Eyes to stop? Please stop here in ATX as we cook, dear LORD.

Happy Birthday Baby Blair

2011-02-22T23:56:00.002-06:00

It's The Day You Were Born...
I remember it like it way just yesterday...
Another baby girl and this mama couldn't contain her Joy...

I laid lifeless on the gurney after giving birth...

Lost two-thirds of the volume of my body's blood for you...

The blood of a stranger kept me safe in place to live to mother you...

It has been unspeakable joy to walk this life with you...

A Little Girl so Curious ~

Mommy, what do the Catholics believe? What do the Methodists believe? What do the Mormons believe? What do we believe?

A Young Girl so Compassionate ~
Can we help my friend who is losing his way tripping in his darkness without his mommy's help---for she's with You. Can I sit with my friend who is making really bad choices and needs someone to believe in him? Can we give our money away? Can we talk to every single person we see?

Add caption

A Becoming Woman so Committed ~

Can I make a difference in my world? Can I choose to see from an Eternal perspective? Can I keep these African babies close to my heart? What about making a life on Capitol Hill that dents into policies? Can I serve constituents and communities and charities and care about things like human trafficking?

A Beautiful Married Woman so Chosen ~

Will you let me give my heart to the one I love? Will you walk with me through thick and thin? Will I find Spousal Love from the God I so adore? Will you always be with me?

Blair, I've never loved you more. Never thought I could experience what I have with a girl like you. You're so beautiful to me. "No good thing will He withhold from you for you walk uprightly." Grace and Glory! Thank you for the best 26 years of my little life. You've made this mama fulfilled, happy, loved! Happy Birthday Baby Blair. Yes, you will always be my baby girl. You may live under another roof, another's love, but I will love you forever. And every night, I kneel in my empty nest house and whisper a prayer to the God we Worship and Adore for Iron Rod Strength for you as you find your Rest in Him Alone. Psalm 62:1. And may you hear Him say Two Things for Baby Blair: I am so Strong in your life. And I am so Loving to you. Psalm 62:11. His Strength, His Love, Always!

Happy Birthday My Love !

Your Family Loves You
More Than Tongue Can Tell

All My Love on your Birthday, Mommy

Isaiah 50:4 is for you this year.

Farewell Fort Worth

2011-02-12T20:20:00.004-06:00

Farewell Fort Worth, I'm leaving Beth Moore's taping at Life Today. Leaving once again my hometown of 31 years where God has spoken to me over the past three decades. Humbled. Oswald Chambers wrote: "What is needed today is not a new gospel, but live men and women who can restate the Gospel of the Son of God in terms that will reach the heart of our problems." Just sat watching 3 live people, Beth and James and Betty, speak about the Kingdom of God and touch deep places and problems in my own heart for such good, for such a time.

Farewell Fort Worth, headed back to my new home, Austin, where God has called us. We will stay there til our God moves us on. We are in the midst of transition, Bob and I both are looking for full-time jobs. Waiting on a very Good God. Didn't expect to be at this place in our lives at this age but we are both "Living in His Presence in the Present"---that's a James quote. And WE know Romans 8:28. Beth and James talked about the Kingdom at hand and it so stirred my heart. Beth shared Matthew 13:15 about how callous hearts don't understand the mystery...and how the Greek word meant: understanding the puzzle pieces causes me to see something. And, I think I saw something that moment that I didn't see before. I know I did. Beth spoke of preaching the Kingdom and healing the sick and my God is so healing me. Standing up to His invitation. And James ended last night saying: "Don't look for ministry, release ministry." The Kingdom is within you and me, a very present reality.

Farewell Fort Worth, I'm "Trusting Truth not Feelings" as Beth shared this morning. When Beth turned to Psalm 57:1-2, I knew that God had me in mind when He breathed those words of David in a cave fleeing from Saul: Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. Cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me." You see, I am hidden in a cave waiting for a Wonder of a Beautiful God to stop by. He has. He is. He will. I Cor 2:7 "His Secret Purpose framed from the very beginnning is to bring us to our full glory." And the next verse He wrote in 2:9 says: No eye has seen. No ear has heard. All that my Friend, the King has prepared for me, for you, because I love Him in this cave...and I trust Him in this cave... and I'm on my way out of this cave...and I'll keep on believing He is a Good God, no matter what.

Farewell Fort Worth, I hold your stories in my heart. I'm forever changed because of the Mighty God I met here who goes with me. Beth ended with Hebrews 10:35-3 "Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. I'm coming home Austin more convinced that through the "sifting of God's Good Hand, He has purposes of fulfillment" in what He is doing in my life and in yours! Hello Austin! The Kingdom of God is at hand here...

PS - So privileged to meet five siestas for the first time: Donna and Holllie R. and Melinda and Tiffany and Janelle. What a thrill to see Holly Smith for the first time in two years. What God has created through blogging friendships is beyond blogging words.

The Messiah of My Dreams

2011-02-02T11:15:00.002-06:00

Novice winds blow armaggedon hard in ATX, it's 18 degrees.
It is a season of no words for me yet holding Hope as I wait to thaw out of a tight place.

Night terrors washed over my Sunday sweet sleep.
I couldn't stop the tumultuous thoughts.
Just sweat it through and wait to thaw.
You see HE is the God-of-My-Tight-Places ~ Psalm 46:10.

And The Living Letters of my friends Annette & Holly & Deborah
bid me bloom forth like Lazarus in Spring ~ unwrapped, unearthed, undone ~ 2 Cor 3:3

Blogging Friends like Ann Voskamp give me Hope
She let me borrow her God Who never failed to send Spring.
I hang on to the Present Grace for
When was the Last Time the Sun didn't dawn or set at the right time?
When is the Last Time God refused to be good to me, to you? ~ Jeremiah 33:20

The Messiah of My Dreams sends forth His Word through new friends in a Voskamp camp and old friends gathered at Rock Lake Ranch and He melts my heart like snow in spring and heals me and I don't know how I'm any different this moment than I was a day ago.
But I am. ~ Psalm 107:20; 147:18

Frozen pain and Fresh problems remain. Always will.
The Present Grace is Who Stirs in me as I read you while the Living Word reads me.

Christmas Eve 2010 "The Unfolding Grace of God"

2010-12-24T12:45:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas from Bethlehem. As I sit in the renowned town square of the Little Town of Bethlehem, I reflect back on this past year of challenges in Austin that we will long remember. 2010 ranks as one of those exigent years, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything because a very good God showed up. We found grace in our desert. Beautiful Wild Grace! We met a God Who was out looking for us in the desert – Jeremiah 31:2. We faced serious health issues, unexpected unemployment, and mounting financial pressures. 2 Cor 4:16-18 (The Message) reads my heart: “We aren’t giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His Unfolding Grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the Lavish Celebration prepared for us.” “The Morning Star is visible when the darkness is deepest” - 66 Love Letters. There’s far more here than meets the eye. And it’s all because of the baby born in Bethlehem---a God Who has so invaded our lives and brought immense peace and rest in the midst of confusion and chaos.

It was a year of “letting go” of people and decades. Bob had the immense honor of marrying our oldest son, Barrett, to the lovely Lauren Bailey of San Mateo, California on a cold sun-kissed Sunday in Austin. We recovered slightly and then Bob married our youngest daughter, Blair, to the honorable Patrick Walsh of Atlanta, Georgia on a rainy but stunning Dallas day. A few weeks later, we sent our youngest, Britt, off to college at the University of Texas with much gratitude for a full ride. Brooke is at the other University of Texas in Arlington serving on their BSU staff. We have had children at home tugging on our skirts and hearts for the past three decades in a row. No more. Bob and I miss them so!

The real battle of this decade was not fighting for good health or landing in financial peace or finding the fulfilling ministry or job with benefits. No, the real battle is what is going on inside of me as I face life, face my loss. I jogged this morning along the Sea of Galilee thinking about the disciples frantic in the middle of a raging storm while Jesus slept through it. 2010 was a liminal place for me where God was speaking to my fears, even this very day, just as He awoke in the boat to speak to the disciples’ fears 2,000 years ago. I am on the 66 Love Letters Tour in Israel---an unbelievable gift from a dear friend. The message Larry spoke here was: “Groan inwardly. Wait eagerly. Romans 8:23. Demand nothing. And He will sustain you with joy based on hope. The degree to which I can love means my hope has nothing to do with how others treat me.”

Phil 3:12 says: We are all not yet what we long to be. We are waiting and watching with you, dear friends, in Hope for a very Good God to show up this Christmas and New Year – Lamentations 3:21-23.” God has been good to us to this very day and will keep on doing us good for all our days of 2011 - Jeremiah 32:40. I’m longing with you to love well this coming year. I long to finish well! I long for many to find the peace that only our God can give! My prayer for each of you in 2011 is found in Philippians 1:9-11 – We pray that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but love well. May we see our lives from His perspective. “The unexamined life isn’t worth living.” Socrates

We are very grateful to have had the privilege of knowing you. We decided not to send out Christmas cards this year---for the first time in three decades. We did want you to know that God has used you in our lives to stir our faith. Because of the Baby born in Bethlehem, we are standing with you in the Wide Open Spaces of God’s Grace - Romans 5:2. May His Unfolding Grace be multiplied in you in 2011. There is so much more here than meets the eye. “The hopes and fears of all the years, oh come to us This Night!”

We’d love to see you in 2011. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Written by Bev for The Brandons
Bob, Bev, Barrett, Lauren, Brooke, Blair, Patrick, and Britt - sixbrandons@gmail.com
P.O. Box 90814, Austin TX 78709 * Bob’s Cell 512.541.5772 * Bev’s Cell 817.915.6769

"Simply Irresistible"

2010-12-11T20:18:00.002-06:00

My two boys are at the Heisman in New York, compliments of Wendy's. Britt finished his first semester of college and they left Thursday. It's weird not having children at home anymore after three decades. Britt comes home on Monday from New York and I just cannot wait. They are all coming next week for Christmas and the 8 of us will be together here in Austin for Christmas week. My prayer is out of Phil 1:9-11 (The Message) that this Christmas we not only love much, but that we love well.

We don't have extra money this Christmas to spend cause of just going through cancer. And I have to throw in that the latest health update couldn't be any better. Cancer bills did deplete our savings and we had to go to creative means with being in job transitions as well. God knew. No surprise there. God has so blessed us with earthly blessings unimaginable but they are "second things" as C. S. Lewis calls it. It's the spiritual blessings, those "first things," that have me on my face before a very Good God this Christmas!

I write to say that a Beautiful God showed up for me in Bethlehem 2000 years ago and He was back there again last week. God so took me by surprise in Israel. HE so stirred up some things in my heart. I've never been more attracted to the possibility of becoming a more meaningfully mature Christian. More than ever! I'm more spiritually ALIVE than ever! Paschal wrote: "The Gospel to me is simply irresistible." It is. More so than ever. I wonder why? Chalmers said: "It's the expulsive power of a New Affection."

In 66 Love Letters, the author writes that the joy Christ offers grows in the soil of emptines and brokenness. That's where I've been. "In My Spirit's Hands, your felt emptiness will become a consuming thirst to know Christ. Your agonizing brokenness over the ongoing corruption in your soul will transform into overwhelming gratitude for My Son's forgiveness. It is empty and broken people, who at the same time are thirsty and grateful, who discover the power to live in ways they never thought possible." That's it. I couldn't put it in better words what God has been doing in my life these past couple of years. Empty. Broken. But God is allowing me to wrestle with Him over the sin in my soul that is transforming me. Overwhelmed in gratitude for His Forgiveness.

God is helping me to see what is clearly wrong in me more than what is wrong in those closest to me or what is wrong in the churches I am familiar with---no, it's what is wrong in me. And He has been so gracious to help me experience the Power to face what's wrong in my own heart and discover His Power, Resurrection Power, to grasp how long and wide and deep and high is His LOVE for me. Eph 3:17-19. I have a long way to go. And it's His Kindness that is leading me to repent. Romans 2:4. I love Him so! He is deeply encouraging me, way down deep, in the midst of some unsettling circumstances.

Happy Thanksgiving from Bethlehem

2010-11-24T17:42:00.000-06:00

Day 8 in Israel
Stooped into the cave where Jesus was born. Surreal surroundings. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem in such disheaval. The Shepherd's Field nearby. I wept as I faced my own sinfulness. Romans 2:4 - it's His Kindness that leads us to repentance.

Shared a Thanksgiving Meal with my 134 new friends. Quite the feast from a 50-foot salad banquet table to succulent artichokes to tempura turkey to an array of 22 desserts and Roman gelato. But it was the conversations, the precious people who shared what God was forming in their hearts this week, and Larry's word to us that meant so much this Thanksgiving Day. For 2 Cor 4 says God is shining Light in our hearts so that we can see the Glory of God and reveal His Glory by the way we relate. "Being committed to the well-being of others at any cost to ourselves." Repentance is in order.

May you reveal Christ to others. May you release the Beautiful Christ in you this Thanksgiving Day!

Went to the Tomb---HE was not there!

2010-11-24T00:53:00.000-06:00

Day 7 in Israel
Stood inside the tomb at the Garden. HE was not there! Mark 16:5 We looked to the right, yes we did, inside the tomb, and there was a young man sitting on the right side dressed in a white robe and they were alarmed...Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth. He is not here. He is Risen!

Visited the Pit where Jesus was lowered down into the prison as he awaited interrogation by the Sanhedrin.

He carried a 210 pound six-foot high crossbeam down Palm Sunday Road. My Savior, a Man of Sorrows and Courage.

I only have about 2 minutes to write this blog today...but I will be back.

Larry shared with us the 7 sayings as we sat in the Garden. We stood in time past. We are in a battle present. He will return. So we lean forward. It was not possible for death to hold Him back.

"Managing My Life or Glorifying My God"

2010-11-22T15:22:00.000-06:00

Day 6 in Israel
Saw the cave where David hid from his father King Saul. Amazing that a child has to hide in fear of his life --- from the hand of a father who really never came around. David learned to love his father. He didn't shrink away. Didn't distance himself. Didn't hide in his heart. The wilderness is amazing. To think that the Israelites wandered 40 years when it could have been an 11-day journey is, well, just like me and what I deal with.

Jogged down to the sea and ... Stood at The Dead Sea in its surreal salty stinging sea as the sun set. The Lowest Spot on Earth. Surrounded by blistering vast spanse of hundreds of miles of desert. We had just been to Masada, a desert stronghold, where they holed up to protect their very lives---but it didn't work. Read Psalm 62 standing in their little church. My soul waits on God. I shall not be shaken. On God my Glory rests. Pour out your heart to God. He Alone is our stronghold. Pillars crumble. Earthquakes shatter. God is my Refuge.

Larry spoke tonight on "The Managed Life." Here is what he said:
What does it mean to be spiritually formed? Truth can feel offensive at times cause something in us needs to die. Am I living a managed life? If it's working---there's no way to avoid pride. We can't keep all of the law. We have been given a better hope. Put first things first and 2nd things are thrown in. Put 2nd things first and you lose both (C.S. Lewis quote). There is a better hope by which we draw near to God!

God gives us trials and people in our lives for sanctification. Do I turn to spiritual disciplines? Lexio Divina? Do I manage my life, my wounds? So wanting my children to turn out right---for me to do it right. Wanting my ministry to turn out right. Or am I glorifying God...there is something underneath my pain. When I am in trouble, how do I get out? You know, I got stuck in the elevator yesterday for 10 minutes. Alone. I was literally screaming for help. Could this be from God a forming experience for me? Where sin abounds, grace abounds. Radical Repentance. Celebrate Calvary.

Hosea 7:14 Am I wailing on my bed or crying from my heart? Do I have a right to certain blessings? Have Mercy rather than fix me. The more we are formed, the more we relate like Jesus. Radical Christianity --- committed to the well being of others. Brokenness. Repentance. Release the Life of Christ.

What is the center of our soul? The center that I feel is terror. But my center is a longing for the Hope. There's more to you and me than our sin. Search the center to long for God and persevere and not be controlled by my fear of elevators, my fear of failing, my fear of not making an impact. Have Mercy, O God! Fill us with Hope to lead a resurrected life!

Groan Inwardly. Wait Eagerly. Love Well.

2010-11-21T14:36:00.000-06:00

Day 5 in Israel

The tears fell when we descended the steep Palm Sunday Road. Jesus did this for me, for you. The Garden of Gethsemane---no words to convey the 2,000 year old grotto of betrayal. More tears fell as our eyes fell on the Rock of Golgotha symbolizing the crucifixion. More tears fell at the Wailing Wall. To stand there with your face flat on the wall hearing the wailing of those nearby caught me so off guard. Thousands of people come here every single day 24/7 to pray to our God. Jesus loves Jerusalem.

Larry shared with us on the steps of the Psalm of Ascent as the sun set in Jerusalem this Sabbath Day.

Here are some quotes that touched me deeply:

"You have been graced with a disaster that your soul requires to find its way back home."

"Does your thirst for God sustain you more than your experience of God?"

"You will experience God by the ways you relate."

"The richer the Spirit's work in you,

the deeper our ache will be.

The deeper our ache,

the stronger our hope,

and the more certain

our sustaining joy

which is Spirit produced

and not reliant on blessings now."

"Groan inwardly. Waith patiently. Demand nothing now. And God will sustain you with joy based on hope."

"The degree to which I can love others produces Hope that has nothing to do with how others treat me."

The sun set and the words remain.

Back at the hotel...

I got stuck in our hotel elevator for 10 mins. on the 9th floor in Jerusalem about an hour ago. I have claustrophobia. It was a l-o-n-g ten minutes. There are places where I am not free and that is one of them.

Groan Inwardly.

Wait Patiently.

Love Well.

The White Words

2010-11-20T14:52:00.000-06:00

Day 4 in Israel
"God fully revealed the Truth we must know and believe to the Servant He chose to most greatly suffer." Walking in his well-worn paths this day is overwhelming. The beauty these people sought smacks so much like our day, our times. Yet they missed the most Beautiful One of all. The King of Kings was not honored on the ancient expensive Beit She-An city. lined with marble and mosaic floors and walls and towering Roman columns. Today it lies in expansive archeological ruins. Saul was killed and hung on the hilltop. I climbed up that hill----gives you chills to see the spot.

Armageddon---a dreadful word. The Valley of Megiddo holds such significance as the Last Battle between Good and Evil will be fought here. Rev. 16:16. Seeing the past, experiencing the present, beholding the future.

Joppa...home of the beautiful Tabitha. Peter brought her back to life. Oh my goodness. We stood at the home of Simon the Tanner. It is an amazing thing to experience the black words of Scripture and the white words of Scripture---all those gaps, all those blanks that we must fill in and live. Truly live!

"The Black Words Come Alive"

2010-11-19T09:34:00.000-06:00

Day 3 in Israel
On our way to the Sea of Galilee. On my left is the city of Migdal---that's where Mary Magdalene is from. On my right is the Gennesaret Valley. Oh how the stories come alive. Larry said someone told him that it is the "black words" that come alive when you walk into Israel. We all know the "red words." As we entered Capernaum, Home of Jesus, we found the ruins of Peter's 4,000 square foot home where Jesus reclined most of those 3 years according to Israeli lore. And Jesus' second public miracle was here. Remember, the royal official's son was healed as he lay in this town and Jesus was in another city. The black words come alive.

Tabgha is on the western side of the Sea of Galilee, 3k south of Capernaum. Everything is so close in proximity. Jesus walked over here and found his first apostles. We stopped to pay homage to the place where Jesus multiplied the Loaves and Fishes. This verse has meant so much to me over the past 4 years because as I pondered what on earth I would do to find God...HE was finding me, and protecting me from harm and carrying me. Nothing touched me that He didn't allow and He stood me back up again! 5 Loaves and 2 Fish. I wept as I witnessed the stone set under an altar in a chapel symbolizing the miracle. And it was a miracle that God lifted my head and stood me up. And stood me up He did indeed!

Larry's sermon on the Mount of Beatitudes was this: Larry drew me to the heart of God just as that leper sat on that hill listening to the sermon on the mount knowing that he was not healed. The leper found Jesus after the sermon not knowing what He would do. God healed him. But the point of this is that the leper was drawn to the heart of God even before he was healed. Ohh! Larry humbly spoke: You are blessed if you are poor and down to your last dime (I can relate to that one) and if you are spiritually a beggar for you are in a protected place where no harm can reach you. Larry went on to say: "Life doesn't consist of relationships but it consists of getting people like you to better relate. He told of a friend of his dying from cancer who said: "This is my last chance to love Jesus Christ in pain."

Larry asked, Where are your markers? Are you no longer demanding fair treatment, offering mercy to those who don't deserve it, martyred to your own narcissism? He said his professor said in his old age and Larry says the same: "I'm just beginning to understand." Jonathan Edwards: "The purpose of the Gospel is to communicate the happiness of Jesus to His Followers." Was Jesus only happy at the Canaan wedding and with Mary & Martha or was He happy not because of His circumstances but because of His willingness to obey God on that Narrow Road. Do we reflect the character of God and serve His Purposes not matter how our spouses and children act.

I visualized that leper listening---I'm just like that leper needing to be healed. But I am a little more dependent on Him than ever before and that's a very good place to be. We ended today at the Jordan River and several of us were baptized in the cold still water. And the dove rested---incongruent for our character but not for His. Larry said at the baptisms: "You rise up out of the water never to a God Who will never have an ounce of anger towards you. You are loved. Your future is guaranteed. The pressure's off. You no longer live to get it right."

We closed the day with a boat ride on the noble Sea of Galilee looking into the towns on the hill where we had just walked, just a mile away. The waves of this sea carried both Peter and the King of Kings as He walked on water to rescue his sinking disciples screaming for help in their fishing boats in the midst of a terrifying storm. It was pastoral and peaceful on this day. But our hearts hold a few storms and our Master showed up as we sang and wept aboard our boat "Worthy is the Lamb."

Standing in the Past, Present, and Future

2010-11-18T14:27:00.000-06:00

Day 2 in Israel
Standing in the palace that remains of Herod the Great and the story comes alive. This palacious place is painfully breathtaking and heartbreaking. Paul was sentencted to 2 years in prison right here. It's a narrow road for Paul following Christ. And it's a grateful invitation to join the Bigger Story, the Unimagineable Work that Christ was doing in this place for me and you to truly live this day.

We are in Caesarea and it's the place where Cornelius accepted Christianity and opened a door to his own people. On to Mount Carmel, 25 miles long and 20 miles wide. We stand in this present moment at the very top of the mountain, looking at past days gone by from Galilee to Tiberias to Nazareth all in one panoramic glance. The towns are so close. And our minds go to the future day when HE is coming back right here. The Present, the Past, the Future in one frame. And Jesus says to me what He said to Elijah who stood on Mount Carmel praying for rain: "Come Near." It's the cry of my heart and yours....come near, o Beautiful God. Today, let it be known that our God will answer us! And if you can't find God in the place where you are, Amos 9:2,3 says: If you climb to the stars, God will find you and bring you down. If you hide out on Mount Tabor, God will find you even there and bring you back.

We passed through the valley where the chariots of Barach assuaged the footmen of Deborah, Judges 4. The footmen had sticks for defense. But it was the rain that turned the terrain into mud to confound the chariots and riders. And it was Deborah who said: Don't be afraid. God will deliver you. I don't know what you are going through this night but our God is saying to you and to me to not be afraid for His Deliverance draws your way this very day.

We arrived this evening at a gorgeous Tiberian hotel to a delectable buffet, really. The end to an 85 degree day that lasted long and imprinted our hearts. Come Near to Me and I will Come Near to You. And I'll end with the question Jesus asked in Caesarea: "What is the reason you are coming to Me?" The answer found on those pages in this palace: We are here in your Presence to listen.

2010-11-17T14:51:00.001-06:00

No Sin Can Destroy My Desire for God

2010-11-17T14:50:00.000-06:00

1st Day in ISRAEL
Arrived in Tel Aviv, Israel today. The airport overlooks the Joshua 10:13 verse...it's the place where the sun stood still and the moon stopped til the nation avenged itself. Kind of takes your breath away to see the beauty in the moment.

The hotel is increible overlooking the Meditteranean Sea. The buffet was like cruise quality---unbelievable spread. But what draws me in tonight is the people on this tour. 134 friends of Larry Crabb for this 66 LOVE LETTERS tour. Have already wept with old friends and laughed with new friends even shedding a few tears with them too. Loved meeting Lisa tonight at supper---the conversation is just so good with people who are so willing to deal with what is stirring in their hearts. The old and new yet seems like we've known each other all along the way.

This is an Israeli computer I am on. Everything reads/types from right to left so I am a little dyslexic plus time-driven. But what captures my soul this night is a quote from the 66 LOVE LETTERS book: “My Power is more evident than ever in your desire for Me that no agony of soul or fall into sin can destroy.” What a Good God who understands our frame. NOTHING can separate us from HIM. So encouraging to me as I gaze into the endless sea to know that my sin is counted against me. And all these desires within me that are good ones are from Him. He is drawing me to Himself in spite of myself.

Britt is Out of the Hospital

2010-10-30T13:04:00.000-06:00

CT Scan showed secondary infections. Pray for Britt that his body responds to the IV antibiotics he has been on for the past 48 hours. To watch a strapping 6'4" kid turn lifeless overnight has been pretty scary.

Britt was released from the hospital and is on his way back. The otolaryncologist admitted Britt to St. David's Hospital Thursday morning, drained the abscess on his tonsil, and hooked him up to a couple of IV antibiotics and potassium chloride. I've never seen any of my children so sick. How did it happen so fast?

You know when you send your child off to college, you've been with them every single day of their life since birth. You know them through and through. And in one send-off, it's not that way anymore. But, it is what we raised them for---to be independent and move into life on their own. I just loved the chapter we just closed. And we don't have any more kids around the table at home for dinner each night!

Britt called Monday night and said he had a sore throat and fever. His dad took him over to the college infirmary on Tuesday and they diagnosed the flu. Wednesday night he called me back and said he was about the same and needed another doctor's appointment. Kind of odd---he never wanted to stop long enough to go in for a doctor's appointment. So, I canceled work on Thursday and picked him up at 9am and he looked awful. Our family doctor took one look in his throat and said: "Bad news. You have to have this abscess on your tonsil drained. It's an emergency because it is blocking your breathing and eating." And that was just the beginning...

The otolaryngologist put him in the hospital. Britt had not been able to eat since Tuesday. I watched my boy literally sink way down deep in just 24 hours. You see how much we are not in control even if they are with us every day. He belongs to God and He is watching over his every breath.

I just received a text from a good friend that her brother-in-law just lost his battle with cancer. Oh my! As we waited for the CT Scan to come back, I remembered how just one report changes things for you. This CT was good news for Britt for the multiple infections he has are treatable.

I don't want to live by good news/bad news and find my rest in that. I texted my friend back 2Chron 20:15 that the battle is God's and He has already won. Won for all of us whether we face good news or bad news. I will have no fear for my heart is steadfast trusting in the LORD. Britt looked up at me at one point on Thursday with tears in his eyes and said: "I am costing you guys so much money right now. I'm so sorry." Are you kidding? I'd sell everything I have to help my boy get well.

I've been reading through the Gospels and so many came to Jesus begging for healing. As long as we don't demand in the Presence of a Mighty God, we can keep on asking and asking and asking. Can't we? So, here's my request, dear God. Would you make my boy come back to his full health again???? Thank you so much for raising him up. And thank you to each one of you who prayed for him. He is on an array of meds for the next two weeks.

I've been thinking a lot about this quote: "Because of My Son, no failure of yours can block My Plan for your life." I think it's on my mind because I've been up against several failures in a row. "He is Worthy of your losing everything you value in life in order to know Him, to serve Him." We've just lost things like stuff---like health insurance and tangible things. "The more clearly you see Christ, the more willing you will be to suffer any loss for His Sake. Kingdom living consists of radical servanthood (the end of entitlement to personal comfort) and self-denying suffering with the hope of joy forever."

Waiting with you in Hope for a Beautiful God to show up. He is! So grateful for my boy and what God is doing among us.

GOD'S GOT YOUR BACK

2010-08-29T23:56:00.000-06:00

Looking for another opportunity this Sunday. God is moving us on. A softer way to say we both need new jobs. Opened my Bible to the reading for the day and it was Lamentations 3: 22-30. God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God. He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. The Message.

I took to heart the words to "Go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear." I drove down I-20 in Arlington looking for a quiet place. Drove around for about an hour when I saw a Starbucks with no cars in the parking lot. It was kind of a country road. I slipped in to order a sparkling water and solitude. Alone but humbled by a Presence. Fragile but full of Courage. While waiting for the teenage girl to ring up my order, a male voice behind me spoke up forcefully across my shoulder addressing the barista. "Ma'am, I just want you to know that I came in here to sit at your table right there. Is it all right if I just sit?" The barista graciously nodded her approval and offered the gentleman a cup of water. "No," he replied, "I just want to sit at that table." The table he was referring to was right next to my table and he proceeded to sit with his back toward me. He sat rather still for about an hour. Never moved. Didn't talk on a cell. Committed to that chair. Couldn't tell you what his face looked like but his back is imprinted on my mind's eye. He wore a dark grey t-shirt and jeans. On the back of that t-shirt were very large letters with a saying that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life. In fact, it took my breath away when I read it. The back of his t-shirt read, in ALL CAPS, in about a 4-inch font, the following words:

2 Chron 20:15 came to mind. The battle is not mine. He's watching my back. It's His battle.

I long to be more taken with my unholiness than my pain.

"Do not live to arrange for your own satisfaction. Repent of your self-provision.

Trust Me, in every moment of suffering." 66 Love Letters

2 Chron 20:30 - And God will give rest on every side. He's got your back!

All I can deal with is my own stuff in life. My motives. My intentions. My failure to love.

It's a good thing to quietly wait in Hope for a Good God to show up.

He was at Starbucks today and I think I heard Him say that He's got my back.

Waiting in hope with you as we walk through hard times.

Bye-Bye Baby Britt...Gone to Texas

2010-08-24T18:39:00.002-06:00

For the past thirty years in a row, I have had little feet pitterpattering around. Never a day without children at home until today. My youngest boy will walk into his first college class at the University of Texas at 8:00am tomorrow. This day always seemed so way out in the future. When Britt was born, they said it would cost $100,000 to go to college and we gasped---well, it can be even more than that at private universities.

I have loved every single second of being a stay-at-home mom. I could have had 20 kids if God had let me. I did have 10---I lost 6 to miscarriage. I adored my babies! I had Barrett, Brooke and Blair in three years. Three in diapers. It was the time of my life! After a tumultuous childhood, I never dreamed God could put me back together like He did. After three kids in a row, we became infertile...Britt was born seven years later. Kind of like starting another family. He hardly remembers his siblings at home. But you adore them now...here they are today ~

So what comes to my mind as I am immersed in my own boxes packing up lifelong possessions as we are moving. This is what I think, surrounded by a lifetime of memories. Look at your life not your stuff: "An unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates. Listen well to what wars inside of you, my children! Psalm 131 has three short verses. "My heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. Still and Quiet my soul like a weaned child, which you all are now. Put your hope in the LORD, today and forever."

Memories flood my mind as I pack up things you have touched. Britt, as a toddler, you loved Steve Green tapes (ha!!) and memorized them effortlessly. "When I Am Afraid, I Will Trust in You" was one of the songs. Michael was your best buddy---he called you Bit. When a life-sized Barney came walking in the door of Michael's 2nd birthday party, you all screamed crying and ran out of the house. Your sisters and brother loved you so much when you were a little boy! I'm weeping at that one! I had to fight them to get you back, they so wanted to hold you. That reminds me of one of your favorite statements as a little one: "Hold Me." I think there was so much falling from the hands of the siblings...ha.

I remember well your first day of kindergarten. You met Ben and Andrew and Greg and Ethan. The famous four became your lifelong friends. I took the 5 of you to the circus and museums and parks and Fix Flags (that's what you called it). You swam every day of your life and that took a lot of determination and courage. School Days with all four of you were full of delight and drama. Like when the fruit flies hatched in our custom van overnight and rode with us to school the next day because someone left their fruit under the seat. Or when the lock broke and we got locked inside our home and you four had to crawl out the bay window to catch your carpool. You worked hard Britt all the days of your life. You all were such a joy to me!

High School was the best! Pine Cove. Italy. Kanakuk. Thailand. Orlando. Endless basketball games and swim meets, even football games! We were so touched by you when you waved your last good-byes to Ethan and Greg and Ben and Andrew and jumped into our car for the journey to move to Austin. Dad said if you couldn't leave your life of 11 years at the same school in Fort Worth, we'd stay. But no, you trusted a Good God to bring you on this Hyde Park journey. And it has been a hard one in some ways. But God has been here with you every step of the way. And He brought Nash and Dillon and some incredible girl friends into your life! They will be your lifelong friends! And He stirred up faith in you! My last words as you shut the dorm door the other day: 2 Tim 4:7 "Fight the good fight of faith. Finish the race. Keep the faith." And you will!

So, this mom thanks the caboose, Britt, for giving me the best life ever! You were uber successful in everything you touched in high school. God gave you those gifts! What's real success anyway? It's pretty quiet here. And no one is eating up all the food. I will miss you more than you will ever know. But you know what, I'm doing really well! This is what we raised you for---to be independent and find the God Who is coming to meet you---Jer 31:2,3. Just wanted to say that I have so enjoyed my past three decades. Oh my word! I won't see you that often but, remember, I am just across town, right around the corner from Mighty Fine, and I'll always be in the battle for your soul! Isaiah 37:26 Haven't you gotten the news? God says: HE is behind all that is going on. His Plan A for your life is good! HE will personally take care of you.

Bye-bye Baby Britt! Gone to Texas. GTT
I have so loved being your mom! Madre

Dark Night of the Soul

2010-08-16T09:41:00.000-06:00

Providential Blessing and Providential Suffering happen to every one of us. This year has held both for us. Since Christmas and its happenings, it has been a dark night of the soul for me. And yesterday was no exception. And I am writing to say that we are holding fast to a very good God in the midst of confusion and pain. I am more privileged by the high calling of my Christ to leave behind 30 years of life in Fort Worth and come to a place where we knew barely no one. We know way down deep God called us to Austin. And our God has been very good to us in the midst of both blessing like marriages and suffering like cancer. We'll stay here until God moves us someplace else. We are more privileged by our calling than unsettled by our pain. 2 Kings 20:1-3 God observes my tears and I am leaning hard on Him. And that is a very good place to be!

When Bob lost his church position of 27 years four years ago, I was way more unsettled by my pain. I had a major meltdown, severe depression. But God broke through and I am still drawing near to Him, and more alive in Him than ever. No more living by my pain but rather a greater resolve to be holy and deal with my own stuff. There's something inside of me standing up right now in the midst of this dark night that is singing praises to a very good God! Isaiah 28:21 The LORD will rise up. He will rouse Himself to do His Work, His Strange Work. John 20:29 - Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe. Life itself is grace. And I am listening to my life this day, this moment as my God is fleshing out His Incarnate Word in my life and yours, no matter what the crisis.

I think far too many people do not deal with what is really going on inside of their hearts. Psalm 28:3 --- they speak peace to you but they hold onto evil in their hearts---a friend of mine calls it "courtesty without connection." We all have evil in our hearts. It runs straight through all of us. Isaiah 30:11 - I am confronted with the Holy One and I am dealing with my stuff! Pascal once said: "True Religion accounts for the greatness and wretchedness of humans." Oh wretched man that I am! Praise God there is hope for our sin. Covered. I am dealing with my demanding spirit---my priority to place justice for us rather than glory for God. No, I am more taken with His Glory than my comfort, my will.

Isaiah 50 talks about not lighting your own fires but letting God do His Work. Life is hard---Job 23:10---and He knows the way we take. Bob shared 2 Thes 1:11 in church yesterday: May God count us all worthy of His High Calling and fulfill every desire we have for good and every work of faith, with power. Strengthen all of us in the inside where it really counts to walk by faith. Expose our arrogance, our foolishness. Stir our appetite for holiness and fill us all with hope whether we walk through dark days or joyful ones.

A good friend told me: "Don't be afraid of failure or you will live for success...God is detaching me from everything that numbs my sacred hunger for Him and makes me feel hungrier for something other than God."

I still have cancer but there's something far worse than cancer. It's cancer of our soul. But I have such Hope! There is something far worse than a difficult life---it's distance from God and not finding Him in the midst of our mess. God is changing me in the midst of some significant pain and loss and I could not be any more grateful to Him. We are all "curved in on ourselves" as Augustine once said.

Bob and I ask for your prayers as we make some decisions about our future. Britt leaves for college tomorrow. We gave up our apartment lease to be creative and pursue exchanging labor for rent money. God gave me the idea and we'll see where it takes us. If you're in Austin and you know of a situation where we could work as caretakers for senior citizens or someone trying to sell their vacant home or watch their property in exchange for rent, let us know. We have moved all of our belongings into public storage. We'll have to get rid of our sweet dog again, a border collie who loves his mama. Losing my boy to college and losing my dog tomorrow is added on top of all of this.

If you focus on the smaller story of your life, you'll misunderstand what really matters in life. Crabb says: Things that feel awful will be seen as tragedies to reverse if possible, endure if necessary and prevent. That's not what we're after over here---not trying to just endure tragedy. We all are being lifted to the Higher Story of God---it's not about us.

To God be the Glory! He has been good to us to this very day. Jer 24:6. His Eyes are now set on us to do us good from this day forward, even in this dark night of the soul.

Father-of-the-Bride Marries His Little Girl Tonight

2010-07-10T07:27:00.000-06:00

Tonight your daddy will perform your wedding vows before a holy God and in the presence of family and friends who adore you and have come to honor you, sweet Blair. It's a day where the mother-of-the-bride reflects back on the goodness of our God in giving you to us. What an honor, what a joy to have been your mom! I'll always be here for you, baby girl! I'm weeping as I write thinking about mistakes I've made as a mom and how I've "missed" all of you at times. Repentant tears. Tears of joy. Thinking back this morning on the day you were born and what indescribable joy it was for me. However, your birth did just about kill me. Had to have a blood transfusion back in the day when blood wasn't being tested for disease. Long recovery for me. But we never recovered from having you. We are so very very grateful to God for your precious life! From childhood, you have embraced your world, your God. You have enjoyed life to the hilt.

When you were about two, you found a clown costume in our hall closet and donned the outfit including the clown hair to greet the next guest who came to our door. And you greeted your world well, always. Your big sister, Brooke, said if she ever wanted to meet anyone, she would just stand right behind you and she could meet the world. You probably know someone in every state of the U.S., seriously. Your school years found you helping your classmates again and again. Your older siblings may have been hard acts to follow---or so they say--- being first and second in their class, but you allowed your beautiful God to carve your nitch. I think your brothers got all the math genes. But God paved a good way for you to attend the University of Oklahoma. You were chosen to be in the President's Leadership Class---only two were selected out-of-state from all their admissions applications. Your hard work in high school paid off for you and you became a Witherspoon Fellow in D.C. right after college. Your college years in political science also opened a door for you in Washington D.C. where you served the people as a Legislative Correspondent for the gentle and kind Congressman Tom Cole of Oklahoma. Your long stay in Washington D.C. proved to be a very good start to your young adult life trusting a very good God. And the precious friends you have made along your way are here today with us. They have come from Washington D.C., Charlotte, Atlanta, and too many towns up north to list.

Yesterday, I shared with you, Blair, a photo memory book I made for your 2nd birthday . In it were 7 verses that we had worked on memorizing that year. One of them was I Sam 2:9 - God will guard the feet of his faithful ones. Even this morning, God gave me a verse in Psalm 121 for you that He will guard you as you go out this day and leave us. If you turn around when you drive off, you'll see me crying, probably a lot. It will be tears of joy and tears of sadness for me in closing this chapter of our lives. I have so loved being your mommy. I have so loved having my kids at home---I'll trust God with this as I let you go. You'll just never know until you have your own kids. Another verse in that 2nd Birthday Book that I shared with you at your Rehearsal Dinner was Joshua 1:9 - God is with you wherever you go! As you become Mrs. Patrick Walsh this day, know that it is your Beautiful God Who holds your hand & will meet the deepest needs of your heart. You adore Patrick and we love him because you do. He has been so good to you. He is a gentleman in the true sense of the word. We welcome Patrick who works at Louisian Tech in their sports department and the entire Walsh family of Atlanta into our hearts. You're going to live in my home state.

You will always be my girl! I'll close with this thought. One day we'll all lift our glasses to toast the One for Whom we live. But tonight, we lift our glasses to toast you both from Psalm 131. Wait for God. Wait in Hope. We wait with you on a Beautiful God to show up. Hope Now. Hope Always.

photos sent from my cell phone (will have to find a scanner someday). I'll Love You Forever, Mommy

Happy Birthday Britt

2010-07-02T00:19:00.000-06:00

It will be lonely going through the drama of life without the birthday boy!. You ran back to get your backpack out of our car and accidentally locked me out of my car on the UT campus yesterday in the POURING RAIN. It ended up being a God moment for me. Really. I pulled over my head the body-size UT garbage bag they were doling out to the Longhorn parents and walked aimlessly in the rain as my cell was dead. Thought about Susanna Wesley pulling her apron over her head every afternoon to pray in the midst of umpteen kids. Stopped in my tracks and prayed for you, Britt, on that UT campus, your new home for the next four years. I'll miss you so!

Today is your birthday. We prayed 7 years and God answered in His timing. I lost 3 babies the year you were born and didn't think I could carry you either. But God carried you, gave you life...and is still breathing life into you every day. We're so proud of the young man you are becoming. You're an absolute delight and joy to me, no matter what!

Your elementary years were full of determination to do what was right. Full of joy and you honored us so much. You swam every day of your life and gave 100% of dedication and passion. You always wanted a brother your age. God gave you Nash...

Your high school years were a dream. You jumped on board with us to move to Austin during your junior year in high school and trust a good God to help you. HE did! Your Austin friends became crazy about you and that was answered prayer too! And, your God was here before we got here. And HE has been moving in you ever since.

You are answered prayer to me. You have touched deep places in my heart. Your questions have brought me great joy. You know more about me than most. You've been a great son! You were worth the wait! I'll always remember touching your big toe seconds after you were born to see if you were really alive. I didn't think I would make it through the pregnancy. That last week I hadn't slept for about 3 or 4 days straight. I was lost in such gratitude to God for your birth. We checked out of the hospital and went straight to the Fort Worth Fireworks celebration.

I have a college prayer for you I'm offering up on your birthday! 2 Tim 4:7
Fight the good fight of faith...
Finish the race...
Keep the faith...

Your parents and family and friends ADORE you! You're one of the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you more than I could ever find words to say.

Love & Happy Birthday, Mom

Baccalaureate

2010-05-26T11:42:00.002-06:00

There I sat at my baby's baccalaureate. Never had been to one. I went early and sat quietly alone in this beautiful pristine church building graced with gorgeous stained-glass arched windows. The afternoon sun peeked into my heart of memories. Thought about the church where I grew up with its stained-glass stately windows that I would gaze at every day of my life as my parochial school required us to attend church every morning. Even in those quiet moments, prayers under my breath went up to a then-distant God. Not anymore. He's near to me this day and I'm so grateful. Somehow, HE has filled me with the Knowledge of His Will and I know things today I didn't know even last week. How those shifts occur, IDK?? But, it's happening and I am ever so grateful to a Good God in the midst of some confusion and a little chaos.

So, I celebrate this precious boy God has given to his dad and me. This high school graduation is not what I live for---it's just a page of his life turning. He has been such a joy to raise. It was a miracle Britt was born. We went through 7 years of infertility. Then, one day, I touched his toe for the first time. Ecstatic. The troubled pregnancy had about done me in with fear I couldn't manage. Overwhelming pain. God was about to step in...and HE did! I was far more concerned about being delivered from my pain than delivered from my darkness. Not right.

Britt attacks life with humility and kindness and such respect for his parents and others. I couldn't say enough good things about this child and all the good that God has stirred up inside of him. He's faced his hard times and come through well. I've thought a lot about 2 Thes 1: 11,12 in raising him that God was answering every desire for what's right in his life. Today, I think a lot about 2 Tim 4:7 and will pray that verse for him til I go to my grave. May he fight the good fight of faith in his young adult years. May he finish the course God has set for him. May he keep the faith!

Britt started swimming when he was 4 and competed for the next 13 years. He met his lifelong friends Ethan, Greg, Andrew and Ben in kindergarten. The fab five will forever be friends. His junior year was interrupted by a Great Divide. A very unexpected turn-of-God-events found my husband no longer on the church staff where we had served for 27 years or so. We had nowhere to go and our Good God moved into my life in ways I could have never imagined. But first, he brought me to another end of myself while Britt watched. We were "graced with disaster that your soul requires to bring you back home." (SJoC). I became alive in ways I had never been! Then God moved us to a new church in Austin in one week's time. Bob said we wouldn't go if God was not in it for Britt. Britt saw it as part of his journey. We were only here a few short months when I was diagnosed with cancer. Again, you watched and wondered if I would make it to your graduation. We found Hyde Park Baptist School, one of the largest private schools in Austin. We knew no one. Britt walked into the junior halls and hearts of kids like Nash and Dillon and the girls. Unbelievable what God has done for us all. Nash will be his lifelong friend and they are going to be Longhorns together! Here's Dillon, Britt and Nash at their 2010 Baccalaureate.

Son, your journey is not to graduate and get into the best schools with the most advantageous scholarships. Your journey is a story in a Story. There's a Divine Hero in all of this!!!

Britt's progress is not measured by his many achievements like getting a full-ride to the University of Texas or recognitions by huge companies like Coca Cola National Scholar or even being so loved and accepted by his Hyde Park classmates. No, this journey is all about detaching from what claims our affections, what rules our lives, and attaching to the One Whom we were created to enjoy. Rev. 4:11. This child has been so willing to deal with what's going on inside of him when he gets off course--- and live humbly. Oh, that our Christ continue to be formed in him. Gal. 4:19.

So, congratulations Britt as you walk the stage this Friday night. I'll be there thinking about a kid in footed pajamas who stole my heart as a baby, and kept on loving his family for the past 18 years. You've done what has been asked of you and so much more. You spent about 2,000 hours in community service, not an easy thing to do while achieving all-state in four sports. You raised over $5,000 and delivered good stuff to help displaced kids in Thailand. You went to Boys State and HOBY and Youth and Government every year. And you didn't complain about such a heavy schedule, even SAR! One line you wrote in your admissions essay stands out to this mom: "Life is not about achievements but it's about making a difference in the life of a child. It's about seeing the smile on the faces of kids like 11-year-old Nat whom we were able to help learn to walk for the first time in his life."

This mom will miss you more than you will ever know! You'll be in the same town, but I'll just pretend that you went to the University of Nebraska like Barrett did and give you some space to learn and live and love. And if you ever want the best burger and shake, I'll meet you at Mighty Fine in a sec. There's a new chapter to be written in your story in a Story! As David's last words about his son, Solomon, say: God, please give Britt a "true heart" that He may know you more. 1 Chron. 29:19.

2 Chronicles 36:23 - You belong to God. Keep on returning home to Him! May your God be with you at UT! Move forward!

Cancer, College, and Choices

2010-04-28T14:22:00.000-06:00

.This past month, our lives have been both beautiful and broken ... and bursting with opportunity to trust a very good God! Here is the short text version: Blair had a benign tumor removed from her thyroid. Britt chose UT and God so showed up for him. And this month marks my one-year anniversary since being diagnosed with cancer. My Love & Gratitude to each one of you! The rest is just details...

Blair Faces Surgery...Met Blair in Dallas last week to have a rather large tumor removed from her thyroid. My nephew found the best surgical oncologist! He had some help!! The Great Physician was in that operating room. And, it could not have gone any better although the incision on her neck is much larger than we anticipated. And what a great attitude Blair chose to have about that! He removed half of her thyroid as well. The full pathology report came back yesterday and it is benign! We camped at my sister's house and God provided peace unbelievable! When you watch your child suffer, there are no words. Blair faced this with such courage and trust in a very good God. She flew back to D.C. yesterday and went back to work today. So grateful!!!! Am I more concerned about being rescued from our pain or rescued from the domain of darkness? Col 1:11-12
Britt Chooses UT...Britt ran his last track meet EVER this weekend. I have so LOVED being this kid's mom! In just a few weeks, God will close the chapter of SCHOOL DAYS! Britt graduates from high school on May 28th. He will make the decision FINAL tonight that he is headed to the University of Texas. A Longhorn---the team we always cheered against. We even cheered for any team playing against UT, even if we didn't know them. So, this one's a surprise. We just want Britt to be where God wants him to be...our hands are open to Him. Where does Britt's little life fall into the "Great Story of God's Mission"?? C.J.H.W. Praying for him to find a beautiful God at UT.
God Provides for Britt...Financial Peace is a course we worked on last year...we found out all the stuff we had done wrong. Kind of hard to correct a lifetime of mistakes. Grateful to a Gigantic God Who intervenes. Our home has gone back to foreclosure again. Trusting Him! Meanwhile, Britt just interviewed with the Terry Foundation and was named a Terry Scholar. This unbelievable philanthropist provides ginormous scholarships through the UT admission application process. Little did we know that God was providing all along for Britt to be financed through his four years of college. Plus, he has won some smaller scholarships---he has done well!
God Carries Me Through Cancer...April marked my one year anniversary having cancer. And, yes, I still say the word because my tumor markers show that it is still there. And yes, I am asking HIM to say the Word and I will be healed! And, YES, I am doing very well! But there is an evil greater than cancer within me. If I choose to live for myself and to get my own way and make my life work...it's called selfishness, greed, arrogance. A friend of mine calls it: "courtesy without connection, laughter without love, weeping without worship." Having cancer has been one of the best things that could happen to me as far as my relationship with God goes. I'm not saying that I would ever want to go through it again. I am saying that nothing has engaged me in the real battle in my soul like suffering has. I just finished reading the story of Solomon in I Kings and in 66 Love Letters. I think a quote from that book captures for me some thoughts deep from my heart. "The lesson to be learned from the wisest of men [Solomon] who became the greatest of fools is this: Leadership without a priority concern for personal holiness over effective management at best produces only outward success." Life is not about faring the up's and down's. The rejections and acceptances do not define who we are. We are His and HE is committed to our holiness!

Coram Deo Merry Nell!

2010-03-07T23:13:00.000-06:00

Tonight was Merry Nell's Celebration Service. The Franciscan-esque Evangelical Free Church was packed to overflowing. Lisa shared on behalf of all of those in our cancer support group that Merry Nell led. Dr. Lisa has Stage 4 breast cancer metastasized to her liver, like Merry Nell. They are both alive! Lisa's with us and Merry Nell is Face-to-Face with Him. I wept as Lisa's beautiful words on behalf of all of us flowed from such a good place in her heart. She talked about the Hope we found in our darkest days. And nothing, not even cancer, can take away that hope. Rom 8:37-39.

Merry Nell's husband, Clif, spoke of his warrior wife who had battled breast cancer over the past three decades defying all odds to live. And live she did---in His Presence here and now there!
She led well.
She lived well.
She loved well.
She suffered well.

At the Reception in the Community Hall, Clif came up and introduced himself to me and thanked me for coming to his wife's funeral. Amazing. He wanted to know how I knew the love of his life. I told him about the first cancer support group meeting where I met Merry Nell. I had started radiation the day before and was terrified of it. One of the darkest times of my life to surrender to the 3-foot thick door that shut like the sound of thunder to me. God gave me Exodus 14:14 that morning before I attended the group. "The LORD will fight for you. You need only be still!" Then I met Merry Nell. It was my turn to share my story. When I finished, Merry Nell shared with a sparkle in her eye: God wants you to know Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you. You need only be still." Over 31,000 verses and God brings that one to her mind. Merry Nell offered me hope that dark day as she brought that Word to me. And as I came to know her through the group, her story gave me such courage to surrender in a very dark time for me.

Tonight, as I shared with Clif about his precious wife, he beat me to the punchline. Clif said to me: "There's a verse that you remind me of that meant a lot to Merry Nell that I want to share with you...Exodus 14:14. How did he know? I had hours earlier written the verse in their guest book. With tears streaming down my face, I thanked this new friend who just lost the love of his life. He said they had shared a million moments of love.

Well Done, Merry Nell. Enter the joy of your Master, Redeemer, King, Blessed Assurance, Rescuer, Healer. Coram Deo!

Britt is playing in March Madness

2010-02-23T09:09:00.000-06:00

High school kids have their own March Madness on Zinch.com. Britt was selected as a State Finalist in Zinch’s March Madness scholarship competition. He has the potential to win $20,000 depending on the number of votes he gets. Over 150,000 students from around the world applied to compete for this scholarship. 64 students were selected as a State Finalist in Texas. Britt is one of them. If you'd like to help him, click on the link below and vote. It will only take a second. The students with the most votes in each state advance to the next round of 32 in Zinch's March Madness. THANKS SO MUCH!

Vote for Britt by clicking here:

http://www.zinch.com/Voting/Regionals.aspx?GroupId=67#Britt-Brandon

Thanks for supporting me in my quest for $20,000!

Britt

Happy Birthday Baby Blair

2010-02-21T23:06:00.004-06:00

UPDATE on Blair's Biopsy:
The radiologist was not able to perform the full biopsy today due to the size of the growth on Blair's thyroid. The complete biopsy will need to be done out-patient at a hospital. The radiologist was able to take one sample of tissue and fluid. Blair did very well tolerating that procedure. Pathology report will be back in a couple of days. Thanks so much for praying for her! Bev

Dear Blair,
Happy 25th Birthday Baby Blair. I remember the day well. I bled profusely after giving birth and needed to have a blood transfusion. I didn't want it---who does---but they were not testing blood for AIDS yet. God protected! And your daddy went and ran the Cowtown Marathon.

You were the cutest baby girl with an intriguing personality. Like a blonde Shirley Temple. Brooke would say that if she ever wanted to meet anyone, she would stand right behind you. Even at an early age, you knew everyone in the neighborhood! Now, you probably know someone in every state!

I remember your first soccer game as a four-year-old. You grabbed your teammate's hand and ran off to the playground instead of to the ball. Do you remember dancing in MayFest? Stage fright!

You have always adored your sister and brother. When Britt entered the world when you were 7, you met him at the front door in your clown outfit with rainbow clown hair. Awww!

You loved school because you loved people. Teachers would want me to get you to stop trying to help others and do your own work. You have always had such a big heart for other people!

I can't remember your middle school years?? My mind is blank....hmmm.

High school was so much fun for you! You'd say, you were grounded for all of high school. But this mom says you just enjoyed yourself to the max! You cared deeply when your friends messed up. You prayed for them. You talked to them. You walked with them. And you followed your God to this very day! I think your high school days were a dream!

OU was a perfect God-ordained match for you. You tackled political science and you met many more friends to fill your world with joy and love. Your dad and I were so proud of the young woman you were becoming!

The Witherspoon Fellowship was another great match! And then working on Capitol Hill is a calling and love and an opportunity you have seized well. Your daddy and I have never had to worry about you for you've always been responsible and diligent at whatever you've tackled.

And now you're engaged to the love of your life. A great guy who adores you and will care for you forever. A guy who is so committed to you and to making the most of your lives together. An accomplished guy who knows where he's going in life. And we love you both more than words can say.

I wish I could upload one of your baby pictures with your gorgeous hair. Instead, here's one of the last pictures we took before we moved out of our home of 20 years where you found a Secret Room and climbed out of the window behind us to get to school one morning and sang yourself to sleep every night and found a good God and left us with beautiful memories of a young life well lived! Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!!!

Pray for Blair on her Birthday: Blair is having a needle biopsy on her thyroid today. Pray for our girl on her birthday today that God's Hand once again protects her precious life! She's a beautiful girl and she'll always be our Baby Blair!

Lenten Devotionals

2010-02-16T23:15:00.001-06:00

Like many, I grew up observing Lent for the first 18 years of my life. For me, it was more about giving up stuff. But tomorrow, as we begin the Lenten season, it will be more about "letting go" of things and looking truthfully at what is happening in my heart as I walk through life. It will be about finding God in the midst of my mess. A Good God. A Holy God. A Glorious God.

Larry Crabb has a new book called 66 Love Letters and there are about 20 of us reading through the Bible together and using his 66 Love Letters book as a devo guide to unpack the truth in each book. You can click on AString of Pearls blog in the top left column of this page to still jump in and join us there.

But I wanted to let you know that Larry is offering daily excerpts from his 66 Love Letters book through a free e-mail service, a short reading for reflection every day during Lent's forty days (except Sundays) starting Wednesday February 17 and ending on Easter April 4th.. Just click (or copy and paste) the following LINK and subscribe by e-mail: http://www.66loveletters.cgrantandcompany.com/

I am free today in ways I never dreamed because of my friend, Larry Crabb. Larry has given me courage to face what is going on in my heart and has helped me find God in ways I could have never imagined. I encourage you to take a look at his new book by subscribing to the free Lenten e-mails as we prepare our hearts for Him!

I'll end with one of the lines from the first chapter of his book 66 Love Letters: "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how thoroughly you'd mess up your life or how painfully you would struggle and suffer, and I don't want you to underestimate your failures or struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. But neither have I underestimated my determination or ability to enter the mess you've made and the pain you feel and turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never underestimate Me!"

A Saved Mess

2010-02-04T13:03:00.001-06:00

The radiation oncologist sent a letter last week. After reveiwing my scans and comparing them to the scans from MDAnderson, he changed his January prognosis from suspicious mass to benign mass. Hmmm. That was the 4th opinion on this scan. If I put my confidence in a good report or things turning for the better, then I'm missing God. Isaiah 30:15 - In Quietness and Confidence our Strength is in the LORD, not the solution to our problems. A quote in 66 Love Letters puts it this way: "The issue is worship and intimacy with Me, not health or wealth or personal comfort." They were supposed to do more diagnostic scans but my case has slipped through the cracks as I've lost my oncologists due to current financial trends. Humana dropped Texas Oncology for the entire state of Texas.

We're back again in Corpus Christi this weekend to play the only team that beat us this season---and it was only by 3 points. If we win out, we win District. That would be cool for Britt. He's wrapping up his senior year. This mom is wrapping up memories of a lifetime as we'll say goodbye to our boy in just a few short months. I keep wanting to incessantly inundate him with everything he needs to hear before he leaves. Poor kid!

There's another quote in 66 Love Letters that has so gripped me this day. "You want me to be holy in any situation more than You want me to figure out what to do to improve my situation." I spent way too much time yesterday trying to improve a situation I am in. Improve my friends. Improve my family. I need to deal with my own stuff! Isn't it amazing that in all of our MESS, HE delights in us. He's enthralled with us (Psalm 45:11) and longs to make Himself known (Isaiah 30:18) and make us holy! I need Him so! What a saved mess I am!

HELP HAITI

2010-01-21T15:24:00.008-06:00

Hi, this is Britt Brandon and I'm a senior in high school. We have all heard about the devastation caused by the Haiti earthquake. I want to help the people of Haiti. It is my firm conviction that those who have more than they need should give back to our communities both locally and globally. Life is bigger than my own little world.

I am selling gray T-shirts from Aaron Ivey to raise funds to send to some workers in Haiti that we know about. 100% of the profit of each T-shirt will go directly to two organiztions we believe in: Real Hope for Haiti and Heartline (which is where the Livesay Family serves in PAP). We want to support the people already there that are working hard towards immediate relief needs such as food, fuel for generators, and medical care.

"HELP HAITI" t-shirts are $25 and printed on American Apparel. Order by leaving a comment on this blog. Please leave your name and size of Adult/Child T-shirt(s) you are ordering. Your T-shirt will be mailed to you by USPS as soon as I receive your payment. Please send checks made payable to: Britt Brandon 5701 South Mopac #2012 Austin Texas 78749), I will mail you your T-shirt. I will need you to e-mail me your address for shipment.

Please join me in giving to the people of Haiti.

ORDER:
LEAVE YOUR NAME AND SIZE OF T-SHIRT.
E-MAIL ME YOUR SHIPPING ADDRESS.
Adult Sizes - XS S M L XL XXL
Children's Sizes - XS S M L XL

Thank you so much for giving a little hope to Haiti! Britt

Aliens in Austin!

2010-01-21T09:04:00.210-06:00

Bev & Lindsee Lou

I drove non-stop 336 miles round trip to get to the SMT and spend two hours seeing bloggers like my Lindsee Lou with the most beautiful heart for HIM! You see, my son got married last weekend at a destination wedding and we were finished celebrating or so I thought! I was all set to come to SMT and stay at the hotel. The day after his wedding, my son came to me on Monday and said that he wanted to give me his "miles" so I could come to their California wedding party celebration with 100 of their California friends. I had to say YES to my boy. We hadn't planned to fly to California because of our money situation. No-brainer. He could fly me out of Houston on Saturday morning. So I came to SMT for two hours on Friday night and it was so worth it!

I was a tad late out of Austin trying to help my senior boy in high school with some "senior stuff" deadlines. But I made it to Houston without stopping! Amanda greeted me at the door---the mastermind/heart behind all of this blogging stuff. I'd never seen her within 100 feet before. All I could say was 2Cor 2:14---you are so the fragrance of Jesus to us all! Annette, always beautiful and svelte, ran down the hall to find me and I teared up as I laid eyes on my bloggy lifelong friend. She sat me next to Sylvia and whispered who it was---a siesta full of Courage and Compassion right next to me. And on the other side was humble honest Angie B. We read the Bible together a year ago all the way through---she has such a hunger to grow! That's me with Annie's Eyes.

Beth's words about Psalm 119 fell on my heart, stuck in a wilderness, but Exodus 15:26 HE is my Healer in this wilderness that I walk through. HE has used blogging friends to meet me in my weakness.. Abby (she couldn't come!) just texted me a few minutes ago words of tremendous hope for me for this moment. I've found a community that God has used to carry me through some difficult times with relationships, and our finances, and with my having cancer in the midst of living in a new place.

When Beth shared Psa 119:25 - "give me discernment that I may understand," I felt God stirring my heart that while I'll never understand all the difficulties we face this day, HE will show me better how to think about all of this. She shared Luke 24:45 that HE will open my mind to understand. And then I was so taken back when she prayed Isaiah 50:4 for all of us as she closed: Oh that our Beautiful God would awaken our ears to hear as we have been taught. Then she prayed that we would "stand still" and Exodus 14:14 has so been on my heart this past week as I've wrestled with a Good God in my mess. Stand still and HE will fight for you. So what does that mean? I just think it's amazing that there are over 31,000 verses in the Bible and God brings to Beth's mind the same one He drew me to---that's so like Him!

Twinkle, Bev & Georgia Jan

A mass exit to the Lobby and the first person to cross my path was Twinkle with an accent! How was I supposed to know that? It's funny how some bloggers you don't have a clue what they look like, just their heart. And she has a beautiful one---we're reading the Bible together and I know! Up comes Big Mama with the cutest jacket EVER! Made me so miss boomama Sophie!!! There's such humility in bigmama Melanie's presence! Turned around and there's Patty---one of the first bloggers I ever met who shared a Word from God that I remember to this day. Behind her was Lora and her words touched me deeply. Next to her was Suzi and I had actually been afraid to follow a suggestion and "friend" her on Facebook cause I only friend people I know or I think it's stalking---where did I get that from?

I spent the night with Annette. She got up at 5:00 AM to take me to the airport. And she still hung on to every moment of the weekend. I made it to San Francisco for the wedding celebration even though my plane had mechanical failure and they had to move us to another one! Another story.

Moving to Austin has been a huge transition for us as we left our home and lifelong friends of 33 years in Fort Worth. Resident Aliens in Austin! And that's where the blogging community came in and it's these bloggers that have touched my heart deeply. My radiation oncologist let me bring Travis' music on an Ipod into my 36 radiation treatments cause I was so scared to pieces. Seeing Travis on Friday night and hearing the voice that I've come to find such Comfort and Grace and Love meant more than I can say. Bloggers have so brought God to me as I have faced cancer in these past few months. Thanks Travis!

And as Beth shared Psalm 119:57 "YOU are my portion..." HE is enough as He continues to detach me from anything that I depend that brings me joy other than HIM. This blogging community has meant much to me. What an honor to walk alongside those of you who will never know the impact of your posts until heaven because you are living letters written on hearts. So humbled to be at the SMT with you all!

For His Glory!

California HERE I COME!

2010-01-19T13:59:00.000-06:00

My son is married to the love of his life, lovely Lauren Brandon. I guess I'll stop crying soon and very soon. Hopefully! It's just that he is one of the best things that ever happened to me and it's a different chapter. You'll awlays be my boy, Barrett! It was such an honor to witness front-row seats, the vows before a Holy God, delivered by his daddy. Lauren took my breath away when she walked down the aisle flanked by her Dad and Step-Dad.

We toasted the couple at the Reception and watched two families come together. And in my heart I thought of that ONE FINE DAY when all of us will hold our glasses high to toast the King of Kings along with people like Adam and Eve who started all this leave and cleave stuff. It was a beautiful moment for me as God seemed to say to me: I am behind this. I am on their side. (Genesis 21:20)

I thought of the verse I had just read that morning: Genesis 50:20 - Do I act for God? I so want God's best for all my kids. Way more than awards and achievements, it's about the person Barrett is becoming. An unbelievable young man! I couldn't have asked for a better son! Love him so! And my prayer every day continues for both of them: 2 Tim 4:7 "Keep the faith...run your race...fight a good fight..."

Barrett came over this afternoon and swept me off my feet. We were not able to go to his California Wedding Reception due to finances. He offered me his miles. He wants me to be there. Houston was already in my plans for the weekend---Houston, I have a problem---I'm going to California this weekend! What a surprise!

I'll be in Houston for Beth's thing on Friday and Friday night. I'll stay with Annette and then fly out of Houston on Saturday morning. Best of both weekend worlds. See you in Houston to lift a "Siesta Toast" or see you in San Francisco to lift a "Wedding Toast."

My Son's Getting Married!

2010-01-13T16:04:00.000-06:00

The beautiful bride-to-be arrives in about one hour, Lord willing! I'll run down the hall and jump up and down and scream like crazy just to see her alone, coming to find her groom. I've been a slobbering soul all this week, even as I write the first sentence. Lauren will marry Barrett this weekend. It's right. It's the moment we've raised Barrett for to seek God's will for his life and move on. It's just,--- he's my boy! I like that I'm gaining another girl though! I LOVE THAT! But something in me wants to hold on to that precious boy I so ADORE! Seems like I have so much more to say...ha. He has made some awesome choices to get where he is today.

I vividly remember the day he was born. 27 hours in labor at the hospital. I never thought I'd have a baby and a happy life but it happened. I remember his first word: lawn mower. When he was a toddler, we'd take lawn chairs and go to construction sites and sit and watch tractors do their thing for hours. He began memorizing verses, like chapters, when he was a toddler and I have it on tape somewhere. (I get so much grief from my kids for not having pictures and videos accessible---someday I will, ha.)

When he went to grade school, I remember a mission trip to Costa Rica he took with his daddy when he was in 3rd grade. It was really a vacation for him and he rode horses through the jungles, literally and scared me to pieces with his young brave self. He begged us since he was 5 to swim year-round and we finally made the plunge in 3rd grade and he trained every day with FAST for the rest of his life.

High school was such a joy and a whirlwind with 3 children in high school and a toddler at home. Barret's #1 goal was to be valedictorian and he missed it by a hair of a tenth of a point. Salutatorian. He walked out of the office when Mrs. Delp broke the news (and he didn't tell me for days). Barrett told us: I'll just set some more goals in college. And he did. He swam for Nebraska and when they unexpectedly cut their 80-year-old legacy men's swim team, he switched to triathlons. Didn't take him much time to rise to the top. He's traveled the world and competes on the U.S. National Olympic Development Team. He finished Nebraska with an MBA. It has been a storied life for him. His God has been very good to him.

Barrett came to Bob and me in May, right after my first surgery for cancer, and said he wanted to marry his college sweetheart and be with her for the rest of his life. I think I cried for 24 hours. That's why some of you may be surprised to hear today that he's getting married. I was in the middle of my own crisis and some things didn't get done or communicated. There were moments I didn't even think I would make it to the wedding.

So that precious boy who is forever imprinted in my mind and heart towing his little red wagon in the front yard, riding his bike relentlessy and continually is leaving his dad and mom and cleaving to the sweetest girl ever. Barrett & Lauren met 7 years ago at Nebraska but she's a Californian. She is one of the best swimmers Nebraska ever had. In fact, she won the NCAA Graduate Scholarship beating out all those Nebraska football players as the NCAA only awarded one full ride for grad school. And so, compliments of Nebraska, she just finished her Masters in Education. She also made Olympic Trials...and this m-i-l thinks she would have made the Olympics if she had not been hurt on the day of the race.

So welcome, darling Lauren, to our crazy loving family. We adore you and love you so much! And bye Barrett, my faithful son! I'll try to be a good mom to a married kid but I don't know how. I'll trust HIM! Isaiah 40:4. I'll pray for the both of you every day for the rest of my life as long as I have breath. I love you more than you will ever know! You've made this mom so happy and so proud. My everyday prayer for you and Lauren will be 2 Tim 4:7 Fight the good fight. Finish the race. Keep the faith. There is a crown being held for you---a crown for being right with God.

I am putting together a book for Barrett and Lauren with memories and quotes and would love for you to leave a word, a thought, a memory to add to the book if you know them or not. Thank you for all the parts you have played in the story of our lives! I had always hoped that we would have big weddings for all my children but I don't think we will. Next to follow is Blair! Our youngest daughter is getting married this summer.

Barrett and Lauren's wedding will be a beautiful intimate family wedding at a gorgeous resort. It would really mean something to me if you shared a comment for Barrett and Lauren here.

Happy New Year to the Old and New

2009-12-31T11:15:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year Old Friend!
Happy New Year New Friend!
So grateful to each of you for friendship and kindness and love.

I awoke to a steel grey Dallas sky above but I'll watch the sun set in Austin tonight. Jeremiah 33:20 talks about the covenant of the day----and it is the same covenant of promise for me and you this day and forever in 2010. The dawn will break and with each sunset, no one can break that arrangement. Just the same, no one can break the promise of our God to be good to us this year. He will. He will be good to you, no matter what.

Reminded of Oswald Chambers words this New Year's Eve:
Our goal is God Himself.
Not peace, not joy, not even blessings but God Himself!

May we see what is happening in our hearts this year like Peter did. He was a different guy in the Book of Acts. Remember in the Book of John when he cut off the ear of the soldier in spite. Peter didn't see the viciousness of his heart. But he did see his heart in Acts. May I really see and wrestle and deal with the fray of my heart this coming year. There is hope for our sin. A Beautiful Redeemer!

As the moments of 2009 tick off the clock, may you find a Beautiful God, a Wonderful Counselor waiting to show up in your 2010. He's there preparing a place for you.

Happy New Year! God bless my new and old friends!

66 Love Letters

2009-12-28T23:29:00.004-06:00

Join us in reading through the Bible this year from Cover to Cover, Genesis to Revelation. Alongside the bible readings, we will read a devotional book, Lawrence Crabb's new book 66 LOVE LETTERS (release date is January 12, 2010). As we read a book of the Bible, we will also read the corresponding chapter in Crabb's book.

We will start January 1st using a One-Year Reading Plan from beginning to end. I invite you to read The Message version this year or you may choose another version. You are invited to comment on my blog "A STRING OF PEARLS" and link us to your own blog comments about your Scripture readings and devotional readings in 66 Love Letters.

There is no commitment. Just an invitation to read and allow the LORD to show up for you. We want to hear what God stirs in your heart as you open his Love Letter. What lingers with you throughout your day?

You can go to www.ewordtoday.com and sign up to receive the one-year reading plan in your e-mail inbox or cell phone. You can purchase Larry Crabb's new book 66 Love Letters from www.amazon.com, available January 12th. "Written in a conversational tone, Dr. Crabb looks at each individual book in Scripture and boils it down to a one-or two-sentence message to us from that particular book." Larry answers the question: What does God want me to hear from this love letter?

I believe the Truth of God's Word---Psalm 51:6--- will sink deep into our hearts and change our lives this year.

Start with us on January 1st. Larry's book will not be available before January 12th. You can jump in or take a break at any time. This invitation is for you to listen to God not to check off boxes that you've read every day. You are invited to post the stirrings of your heart at any time...it may be just be one verse or one thought or even more as we listen to His Love Letters to us in 2010. Or you may just want to read along and not comment.

See you on January 1st on my other blog, A String of Pearls. You won't find any postings on this blog about the 66 Love Letters, only about life with The Brandons. You can access A String of Pearls blog in two ways: 1) click on A String of Pearls in left margin of this blog 2.) go to my profile and click on A String of Pearls.

We would be so delighted for you to join us in listening to what God has to say to each of us in 2010.

2009-12-22T12:48:00.021-06:00

For the past 30 years, I have always sent a Christmas newsletter to let you know what's happening in the Brandon household. About 4 years ago, the length of the letters became briefer than before (made a lot of readers happy). We went through a time of evaluating our lives and what's really important. We have No One Else Like Him to go to in the midst of our suffering but the Beautiful God we so love. John 6:68. As we approach 100 years old (you're supposed to laugh right now), things look a lot different to me than they did 4 years ago. Once again this year, we went through a little more suffering that brought us a step of faith closer to the One Who holds us all together (Col 1:17). God has used so many of you to give me hope and courage as I battled cancer. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the Beautiful Fragrance of the Lord Jesus Christ that you have brought to me this year (2 Cor 2:14). My Deep Gratitude, Bev

Here is our 2010 Family Newsletter:

A New December dawns and draws us in to reflect on 2009. A verse that has gripped me for 3 decades---Psalm 27:13-14---took on new meaning this year. I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the Goodness of God. We will remember 2009 for we found a Good God in the midst of difficult days. Groping for that Invisible Hand in dark times, He met me in my weakness 2 Cor 12:9. We are alive in ways we have not been before.

In a few weeks, Bob will marry our oldest son to the love of his life, lovely Lauren Bailey of California. Barrett coaches and continues to compete in the ITU professional triathlon circuit.

Brooke completed her 3-year commitment in Thailand & is serving one year with the IMB in Arlington, working toward Seminary classes.

Blair serves on Capitol Hill in Washington DC as a Legislative Correspondent. Our precious girl will notably become Mrs. Patrick Walsh in July.

Britt is loving his senior year at Hyde Park. The old anecdote says: “All men die; but few men ever really live.” We’ve raised him for this moment to let him go as he heads to be an Aggie or Longhorn---maybe even UNC. My prayer for this humble, hard-working kid is that he fights the right battles in life. He’s been such a joy! May he continue to find his God and really live!

It has been one of the scariest years for me in battling cancer but Psalm 18:28 speaks to deep places in me: God is turning my darkness into Light. Learning a bit more to kept still & not fight my own battles. Nahum 1:7 says the LORD is good. He has been my Refuge in times of trouble. I am finding a deeper Rest, growing in a little more dependence on a Sovereign God. Bob serves faithfully on a church staff here in Austin and loves what God has called him to. My husband has been Isaiah 33:6 to me, a Stability of times and a Wealth of God’s goodness. We want to struggle well with His Energy---Col. 1:29---and finish our lives well.

We hold so much gratitude in our hearts for you. The outpour of God’s Love has been overwhelming---old friends and new friends, even strangers whom God has used to put hope in my hand & heart. God is carrying us through all our ordeals- Isaiah 46:4. We are grateful to be fellow strugglers with you passing through this life to our real home. Take courage, O my soul, and wait upon the LORD, not the solution of our problems, not the closure of sickness, not the escape from trials. We wait on a Beautiful God not on any man nor any circumstance.

Our prayer for you is Isaiah 40: 3-5 - There is a Voice calling in your wilderness. May every valley be raised up & every mountain made low that the glory of God be revealed in you in 2010. We join you in advancing His Kingdom. May we all deal with the competing kingdoms in our hearts. All praise & honor this Christmas to the Beautiful & Invisible & Eternal God Whom we adore! Now unto HIM Who is able to keep us together, Jude 2:24. Holding fast to our Good God and Psalm 46: 5,10 --- God is in our midst; I will not be moved. God will help me when morning dawns every day in 2010. Be still, my heart, and know He is God.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year -

Bob & Bev - Barrett, Brooke, Blair and Britt

B E N I G N

2009-12-18T11:54:00.003-06:00

I made the nurse repeat it TWICE. B.E.N.I.G.N. Thank YOU God! The suspicious spot on my leg is a benign seborrheic keratosis. Seb k. I've had this barnacle on my shin for about 3 years but it's gone now.

I don't want to live my life encouraged only by my circumstances. LIKE...we finally got our car back after 5 months in the car repair shop; however it doesn't run quite right. Ha. Or, my computer is so messed up that I just went to Fran's blog and it said it was an ATOM XML and I couldn't post on atoms? What in the world does that mean? I think my computer might not recover and I'll be cyber homeless. My Facebook is frozen---but so is every link I have to open.
But I can rejoice when the news is good. And this is good news that the lesion was benign. And I can embrace the Truth when the news is not good. And entering that truth will not only be sadness but can also be joy as we draw near to Him.

For what do want this moment MORE THAN drawing near to God. May we all listen to our hearts and what is really going on inside of us. It matters so much what is happening inside of me. Way more than it matters what I am doing! So grateful to a very good God for bringing me to this place in life.

We read Christmas cards every day and think that people are doing great by what they are DOING---wonder what is really going on in their hearts.

Yesterday I listened to a CD on pondering the Trinity. Relating to God and others takes first place in our lives. Love the LORD with all your heart. Enter the souls of your family and friends to model and invite brokenness.

Everything but drawing near to God is a "second thing" as C.S. Lewis said: Put first things first. There is only One First Thing. Had a conversation with a good friend yesterday about people saying that if you have your health, you have everything. Not so! Our health, our families, even our ministries are all "second things." And some of those, as one of my friends quotes, are "painful doorways to deeper intimacy. "

So as I face my own brokenness this Christmas, I have to face what's going on in my own heart, not how I want my world and people in my world to change. And I will face that I am profoundly not able to be strong enough to love and change anything apart from the power of God. I Cor 2: 2-4.

May we all seek HIM this Christmas in the midst of whatever it is that we face. Draw near to Him and HE will draw near to you. Plead for His Mercy rather than demand that the pain and the hurts go away.

The CD talked about the church being a community of broken people who long to know a Beautiful God and relate like HIM in our world RATHER than being a community of responsible reasonable people trying very hard to do a lot of very good things for the Kingdom. Are we frenetic and frantic for Christmas? Hmmm. Trying to make something happen...which leads to strategy and valuing people that are on board with us rather than offering them grace right where they are.

I'm still Miss Shingles over here (affectionately called by my youngest). Looks to me like I have a mild case of shingles compared to the scary shingle stories I've heard.

I'll post my Christmas letter next. Just wanted to say what was stirring in my heart this grateful morn. For whatever that's worth! I'm very grateful this Texas wintry season (it's 75 degrees outside) that I have the privilege to warmly walk alongside of friends like you!

Signed: Miss Shingles

SHINGLE BELLS, SHINGLE BELLS

2009-12-16T13:36:00.003-06:00

Shingle Bells. Shingle Bells. Oh me, oh my! I have the shingles.

Went for a second opinion for a suspicious spot on my shin. The dermatologist did a biopsy on my leg right there on the spot! Didn't have time to text anyone to pray. The most wonderful thing was that God was right there with me holding my hand. Psalm 15:8. He had just brought to my mind Psalm 112:7 an hour before. I was waiting with another friend for their pathology to come back. No fear of bad news for our hearts are steadfast, trusting HIM alone, not the closure of unwanted circumstances.

The word "biopsy" strikes fear in me. "Can I call my husband before you do it?" I could have scheduled it for the future. No, take it out right now. She removed the whole lesion. But God continues to remove lesions from my heart. He reached down on Tuesday and took hold of me and drew me out of some deep waters of fear. Psalm 18:16. The pathology report comes back on Friday.

I've been thinking a lot lately about personal holiness. You know, the kind of holiness that trumps impact. We can get so caught up in wanting to be somebody and make a mark and change the world for Christ, that we miss dealing with this present moment of our own stuff. We will be advancing the Kingdom if we are dealing with what is going on inside of our hearts. So grateful to Him for bringing me to a place where I'm aware that the Love of Christ is more important than any ministry. Oh, I don't know. I wish I could better verbalize what's going on inside of me. Dealing with some pretty dark feelings and learning a bit more what it means to let them go.

So the doctor proceeds to check me from head to toe...OH NO...you have SHINGLES ON YOUR BACK. And I thought I was there for my shin! But actually I was probably there for my sin for our Beautiful God rescues us because He delights in us, Psalm 18:19, and He won't let us stay in our sin. So surprised by a sin of quiet demandingness that one more thing does not need to happen to me before this year ends. And what about starting deductibles over again in January with multitudinous doctor bills? What about trusting He will take care of it all? It is the Kindness of our God that leads us to repentance. Romans 2:4. What do I want more than the Love of my Christ? The good life...so what would that look like? SHINGLE BELLS. SHINGLE BELLS.

Let the Joy Bells Ring

2009-11-16T08:58:00.003-06:00

The news on Friday was not what I had hoped. I will undergo more scans and tests because of the cancer in my chest wall. I sat in St. David's Hospital on Friday and panic washed over me as I listened to the doctor's concerns. So, how should I think? How should I live? Acts 17:26 came to my mind that God has appointed my times and boundaries that I should reach out for Him and grope in the darkness and find Him. The verse says HE is closer than we all know.

I am in the midst of several trials right now. So is Bob and Britt---that's our whole household. Sometimes, it just happens that way. It's my birthday today and I sit and reflect this morning on another year. It's been hard. I just read this quote in Crabb's book Real Church: "It's hard to set the panic aside; to move through the pain; to delay gratification; to live feeling empty, worthless, betrayed, and to ask: Okay, what's the big picture here? What kind of person do I want to be for my kids, for my friends, for me, for my God in the middle of this mess? What kind of values do I want to uphold? What matters the most at any cost to me? What is my life really all about right now and what fire is still burning in me that can keep me moving toward something truly good?" Yes!

Yes, I am struggling lots and sometimes struggling better in some moments than others. I'm kind of a mess right now. But I am a glorious mess! And, with tears streaming down my face, I can say there is a fire burning within me that no circumstance, no trial can put out. "There is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones and I am weary with holding it in and I cannot." Jer. 20:9. And for that, I praise Him! He is the fire that burns within you and me. I'm so grateful on this day for the ways God has used each of you in my life to stir up such good things inside of me. So grateful on this birth day for a beautiful God Who keeps showing up and stirring me up.

There was another quote in the book that jumped out at me as I read: "Every good thing you used to cling to, you come to see what it is in reality: a mere drop of pleasure in an ocean of joy, a drop you can lose without really losing anything." So, as I let go of some things even on this birth day---things like unfulfilled desires and expectations, I hear some incredible joy bells ringing in my heart. I don't want to spend another day, another year clinging to worthless stuff! Jonah 2:8. Let the joy bells ring! I'm dancing on an ocean floor of joy.

God Showed Up at the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

2009-11-08T14:18:00.003-06:00

Locked out of my own car! Actually, it's the mechanics fixxer-upper car I was locked out of---our Pathfinder is still in the shop since June 17th---ha! I saw the car keys on the seat as I swung the door shut! Waiting 2 hours on the curb of the Hyde Park Post Office for Mr. Pop-A-Lock...and a friend calls to tell me a quote: Hmmmm. I found a piece of paper and a pen on the ground and jotted the Crabb quote down: "Life gets steeper so that strength must increase as weakness intensifies."

I have been struggling over here with my health on these new cancer meds. I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Working full-time and totally exhausted. That's why I haven't been online---just can't do it right now. But, I think that I am struggling well not wanting to improve my life but to invite the beautiful God I so adore into my mess and invest in what lasts forever. It has been a very difficult two months in so many ways. More trials than usual. I thought if only I could get through the 36 radiation treatments this summer, I'd be okay. But, no, Acts 14:22 says it is necessary that we encounter a few troubles on the way into the Kingdom. And we never know when those troubles may come.

My health decline as well as my circumstances have only exacerbated the mess in my own heart. I have been fainting again in the middle of the night. Low blood pressure that sinks way too low. It only lasts a second or two but the experience is horrific as I lose control of my body and even have a tiny bit of paralysis where I cannot talk or think straight. I'm always able to fall right back asleep but it is such a scary thing to go through. It has been happening about every other night. God is giving me courage. I did the Susan G. Komen Race---20,000 runners. I ran smack into one of my oncologists who ran a mile with me and gave me unbelievable counsel as to what was going on. It was as though God was standing right there reaching out to me! Acts 17:26---HE has appointed our times and boundaries so we will seek Him and reach out to HIM and find Him. And I am! And it doesn't get any better than that!

Here's where it gets exciting. I'm entering a rest I have never known before. There's an unlocked door in my heart that my Defender, my Savior, my good God is inviting me into. HE is the Doorkeeper. HE is the one engineering everything. And we are on our way into the Kingdom!

I cannot thank you enough for all of your texts, notes, comments and calls, lately. They have meant a lot to me at a time where I have not been able to respond back because of several health issues. I had a bone scan this week because I have continued to bruise easily. A minor accident turned major.

This coming Friday begins my first three-day examination since being diagnosed with cancer. I'll know by Friday at 5:00pm if the cancer is still there. After my third surgery, cancer was still present and the plan was to attack it with radiation. We'll see if that plan worked. If you think about me on Friday, please pray for Peace from a good God Whom I so trust. John 16:33---in ME, you will have Peace, not in the escape or solution of our issues. I think I am doing well in the midst of some hard times over here. I don't know. I just know that a very good God keeps showing up at Post Office curbs and Komen 10K races and at a tiny apartment on the southside of town. Looking up! So grateful for your friendship! My Love to each of you!

Do Not Pass Me By...

2009-09-13T07:30:00.006-06:00

About the moment I jogged up the steps of the Foot Bridge over the Colorado River, a hymn came on my Ipod that I had never heard before. "Do Not Pass Me By." I stopped at a familiar rail overlooking the still south span of the river. My tears spilled into the reservoir and I looked to see if they made a mark. No, not at all from 30 feet up. I knelt by my rail on that 20-foot wide walking bridge. No one even noticed. To my left sat a homeless guy, torn and tumultuous. To my right sat a pristine pony-tailed lady with tiny twin terriers in dog clothing. Some of my tears were for them both.

But most of my tears this morning had to do with those unfamiliar words in my ears. "While on others, You are smiling, do not pass me by." And I cried out to the beautiful God I so adore that HE would not pass me by. I want to end my life well and not miss the grace of God. I think a lot about Jonah 2:8---the guy in the whale who was not FRANTIC or FRENETIC but He was crying out to his good God, in the midst of guts and gore inside a LARGE animal's stomach, that he would not forfeit the grace of God for worthless stuff, idols. And Jonah never knew if he would even ever hold another worthless thing in his hand again. God draws me in through Jonah's words. As I am caught in the midst of life's circumstances, am I missing a larger Story? What am I alive to this morning?

You see, I think it is terribly easy for us all to get lost in our circumstances of life. He knows. I started new meds for cancer treatment on the day I returned from The Cove. Letrozole has affected my body with a whirlwind of symptoms, exhausting me to where I have had to pull back again, physically. It's why I haven't posted. I can't quite catch up since I've finished radiation.

I came back from one of the most stirring conferences for me at The Cove. Came back to live broken not better before a beautiful good God. Is my deepest desire to hurt less or to live in brokenness? But I'm back to a life where things break down, like my car. Still working on a home for Macy---she's extended her stay at The Hill's. I so want her with me but financial priorities prevent it. Let the dog go, Bev! Our car has been in the shop to repair the transmission since June 17th---that's awful long. My son and I share a car with no a/c. It's been hot in Texas! And now I have a cyst on my right hand and the cancer treatments/meds have caused it damage---it's infected and hurts when I move my hand. So, what is God doing in my life? What is stirring inside of me? What is most alive?

C.S. Lewis wrote that the sweetest experience God gives us in this life is our desire for Him. A desire for God seems so alive in me even in the midst of all my mess. My struggles with circumstances reveal such a spirit of entitlement in me. Can I have break please?

I think some of the tears spilled into the Colorado River because I'm wrestling with fleshly desires. My battle is with my flesh and wanting to rise above my circumstances. But there's a deeper battle always going on. More than just wanting to be visible. More than wanting "a place in the sun, a place in our world." More than wanting to get ahead in life. The real battle that Ephesians 6 talks about is how our struggle is not against flesh and blood. It's not against our circumstances, our boss, our friend who ignites us. We are contending against world rulers of this present darkness. I am reading Buechner's The Magnificent Defeat and he writes about the battle: "to become at peace inside our skins, to become human. To be set free from our darkness. A darkness we never fully see nor fully understand nor feel fully responsible for---heaven knows we are responsible."

So what is my beautiful God doing in the chores of my life? I'm not sure, but this I know. God is bringing a little tiny ray of Light into my darkness. And HE has used so many of you to stir me up. Just like in Gen 1:3 where the Spirit of God was moving---Buechner says the word in the Hebrew means "brood"--- hovering over my darkness, "brooding" over my darkness---like a bird "brooding" over its nest til new life stirs beneath the sheltering wings. I don't know what's happening but I do know this. God is so moving in my mess of it all and stirring up new life in me as I go through some tough times. Do not pass me by, my good God. And if I think You are smiling on others and not on me, help me repent and respond to what you are doing in me. Sweet release not relief. The speaker at The Cove put it this way: "Love never allows more suffering unless to achieve the well-being of the beloved." YOU, O God, are brooding over my darkness til I become a little more alive.

A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

2009-08-13T21:54:00.004-06:00

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!

God will wipe away our tears & the sweat of our brow

2009-08-09T21:22:00.005-06:00

I just read the 19 comments from my last post all at once and am sitting here weeping, literally. I so wrestle with my weaknesses and see places in my heart that I think maybe the Gospel has not touched (that's a Paula Rinehart quote). I so long for Him and see how far I am sometimes. Then, even as I sit here, I see places in my heart where He has so shown up for me. I couldn't be any more grateful this night for what HE has done in my heart during these past six weeks of radiation. My Good God is making me a little less demanding, a little more dependent, a little less detached from anything for my Source other than Him. One more week of radiation to go.

I thought radiation would get easier as I adjusted. And I feel a pressure that if I was really walking with God, it would be better. Well, I am walking with God---He has me in tight places. My God is abundantly available in very tight places! Psalm 46:1-3. This past week was the hardest yet, partly because they upped the dosage of radiation for the end, since my margins were not clear and cancer remained in my chest wall. Sometimes I am exhausted to the point of collapsing. But the sheer terror inside of the machine is what gets to me. And the sheer terror of encountering a beautiful God is so there every single day. I have cried more tears this week than any other. This morning, Bob preached and he shared a quote from the Willow Creek Conference that he and Brooke attended this week. It went like this..."God will wipe away our tears and the sweat of our brow at the same time." A tender thought to me. Jesus sweat drops of blood to resist temptation---something we all know not.

I've been trying to remember all day what song we sang in church this morning that made me so want to worship Him. As I sat to write this post, the song just came on my Ipod (out of about 300 songs) and I didn't even know it was on there. God keeps doing that! "Open up the skies, fall down like rain. We don't want blessings. We want YOU." I sang it from the depths of my heart this morning and again tonight. I have so been touched by Divine Love in that radiation machine for 33 times, I can't explain it. "Here we go, let's go the Throne. To the place where we belong. Right into His Arms." All I can say is that He has so carried me through these six weeks in His Arms. And I pray that He will fall on me this week, fall down like rain, so I can finish what seems impossible to me.

If I finish on Friday, I will leave on Monday to go to The Cove in North Carolina for a conference. It's been in the plans for 3 years, Lord willing, and I don't know if I can make it. I'm burned from the higher dosages. But, I'm asking! I cannot thank you all enough for praying for me. I keep hearing about people I don't even know who are praying for me and that touches me so deeply. I've thought about the Good Samaritan in Luke 10 a lot lately. You've bound my wounds, you've poured your words and love on me, you've taken me into your heart, you've paid for things for me, you've taken care of me. And some of you have never laid eyes on me. Jesus asked the lawyer in the story, "Who proved to be a neighbor?" It's you!

My sweet girl Brooke is sitting two feet away from me as I type. It's been such a precious 2 weeks with her here. She has so helped me---cleaning out my closets, driving me everywhere, doing daily loads of clothes and dishes and stuff for her mommy. But more than that, she has made me laugh in the midst of my tears. She leaves in the morning for her stateside missionary assignment in Arlington, Texas. Brooke will be serving on the staff of a college ministry, mobilizing college students to do mission work. She'll be close this year and that makes this mom pretty happy. The IMB will provide her needs, except that she does need to find her own car for the year. I think we should say that God needs to find her a car! If you know of anyone who would like to donate a car to a non-profit or loan one out for a year, let us know. That's a big request---out of our reach! May Brookie bring these students the Word as it is in her heart! My prayer for my sweet girl: Joshua 14:7.

And it is my prayer for each of you this beautiful night. May you bring the Living Word to many, as it is on your heart!

Let the weak say, I am a warrior

2009-07-26T21:10:00.001-06:00

Brooke is back. So grateful to our good God for giving her the best three years in Chiang-Mai Thailand. Jamie introduced Brooke to a world far away and a great God Who was so present for her there. Brooke sacrificed much to go, but received way more! And she left a big part of her heart there. Being with her this weekend has brought me great joy, way down deep. She's a Texan once again. My girl's back!

I thought Thursday was the worst radiation treatment ever but, no, Friday afternoon was indescribably horrific for me. I cry even writing this. I want to pretend nothing anymore. I panicked while in the machine and I don't know why. But I knew if I screamed, I would have to start over again. And if I moved, the radiation beam would radiate the wrong place. I lay silently still suffering. Maybe it's my own fault. All I know is this. God continues to expose areas in my heart and what is really happening inside of me as I lay it down before HIM to Whom we all give account.

I fear that moments like that is intolerable, simply overpowering. And I can't put it back together again either. Only the Great Physician can hold me together and sew me back with his surgery knife in His Hand. He can repair me and empower me to move back into my world, even powerless, to face and embrace what is happening inside of me as I lay still. One day, there will be no more tears. But this day, there are many.

But more than that physical stillness, as I lay still in my heart, I realize that nothing I can do will help me to recover the good life like it was in the Garden of Eden. I feel how desperately I long for God to let me find Him on that radiation table. And with a longing beyond words like in Romans 8:26, we all groan for Him. In that moment, I was afraid to look up for I wanted Him to leave me alone and make the panic stop but at the same second, I hoped against hope that HE would move and have mercy on me. It was a terrifying beyond imagination few minutes.

The therapists are aware when I'm really struggling as they see the tears spilling out of tightly closed eyes as they watch me on their video cam on the other side of the two-foot thick door. They bolted in to grab me and watch me sob. Paula kept saying over and over---"What can I do for you?" Nothing. And it's over...and a peace came over me as I exited the Friday afternoon machine that I can't explain. Always does, the minute I am out of it. The frantic pressure to handle a panic attack is relieved for I can't even do that--- and I am reduced to wanting my God more than ever whether in the machine or out---there is such Hope within me.

And my God began to speak to my heart. He spoke to me through the story of Gideon. Gideon was reduced to panic and fear yet God called him out of it. Brooke saw her mom's tears and looked with such compassion as we walked out. The battery was dead in our borrowed car so we had to wait a while for a "jump" and it was really okay. My car has been in the shop for 5 weeks now---can't seem to fix it. It's okay. God is doing a deep work in my life.

I read and re-read this weekend the story of Gideon in Judges 6: 12-24. "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valour." And God said those words to a fearful, hiding Gideon, working hard to gather up food, and make his life bearable. Gideon's response is priceless for our day: If God is with with us, then why is all this stuff happening to me? We measure a good life by what? If everything is going smoothly and our family cooperating with God and our success in our ministry? "Peace be with you Gideon, do not fear." My peace comes from God not from the resolution of my problems. I have a tingling passion of anticipation that I will find Him again this week at 8:40am. He's a good God and I'm learning so much about myself and life. Still scared but surrendered. If you think about me at 8:40am---I have 3 more weeks to go in the machine. 4 weeks down. Joel 3:10 - "Let the weak say, I am a warrior." I'm in a battle and I won't give up. Be still and know that I am God!

My Brookie Flies Over the Ocean

2009-07-23T21:51:00.002-06:00

Bring Back my Brookie to me...
Brooke arrives in about 10 hours from Chiang-Mai, Thailand. I'll be in the radiation machine when her sweet "old" college roommates pick her up at the Austin airport tomorrow morning. She's home for good, Lord willing. She spent the past three years of her life bringing good news and binding up the brokenhearted in a land that was foreign to her. Isaiah 61:1. Thailand became like home to her and she so loved those people.

Today marked the halfway mark for my radiation treatments. Being in the radiation machine today was another new startling experience for me. All I can say is that it was the hardest one yet. Wonder why. Is the absence of temptation victory? Is the absence of conquering my fear in the machine defeat? Hardly so. I must not measure maturity by performance. It's not when I get comfortable doing something so unnatural to us all. Because my beautiful God is doing such a good work in me as I wrestle with the question of whether I am "safe." Providential suffering is a paved pathway to a Person who safely holds us together. Col 1:17. That's it. Those Unseen Eyes are watching our every thought and tear... and holding us.

While Bob was in ICU last week, I received a document of foreclosure on our home in Fort Worth. Quite unexpected. Our mortgage was paid up and we had applied for a loan to pay our taxes when I was diagnosed with cancer April 1st. The loan was approved and we even made our first payment. Yet, the house was foreclosed. A computer glitch, they said. So, cancel the foreclosure! Crazy! Seems like the enemy of our soul wants to discourage us. But we look to Him Who is Unseen. This is not about how strong I am to do this either. We cry to Him and He bends His Ear right down to me. He's listening. He sees it all. He's working on our behalf.

Our outer self is wasting away every day, but our inner self is being renewed day by day by day. For our light momentary afflictions are preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the Things that are Unseen. 2 Cor 4:16. Somehow, in that radiation machine, I have to believe that there is much more going on in that Room than the unpredictable methodical clicking of that terrifying ton of a machine.

I don't know how I can endure 19 more treatments. All I know is the One Who promises to be there for me. And HE has to this day. People say you are a survivor if you pass a certain point. The word "survivor" means statistics to me. I've been thinking about Romans 8:37 that we are more than "conquerors" through Christ Who loves us so. I think every day that we live for HIM, we are more than a conqueror. And my Christ will help me go through the second half of this. "He helps us in our weakness..." Rom 8:26.

So, as I hit the halfway mark, I just want to say to each of you that read this blog that I am so grateful that God has brought you alongside of us to walk with us through this. I couldn't do it alone. From my brand new friend, Rose, to my lifelong friend Mindy, you all have touched deep places in my heart. Your words have given me hope. Your actions have given me love! Your friendship has given me courage! I cannot thank you enough!

Be Still...what do I need to "let go" of?

2009-07-16T19:30:00.004-06:00

Bob was released from ICU tonight and is home resting well. After undergoing two days of tests in the critical care unit, all of his heart structures are in very good shape. While they are not sure what caused him to faint at the wheel, the diagnosis remains bradycardia---slow heart rate. Not that uncommon for athletes to have a really low heart rate. We are so grateful to God for His evident Hand on Bob during the accident.

Bob will wear a heart monitor throughout this weekend. He has recovered well from the surgical procedure he had this afternoon, an electrophysiological study. They couldn't sedate him cause he had just eaten so he thinks he was privileged to watch the Electrophysiologist do the cauterization procedure up us legs into his heart---ask him about it. Oh my. Not me!

And I just have to add that it looked completely impossible for me to do two radiation treatments today to stay on course. Some complications with my skin had come up. My oncologist is closed tomorrow. But I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God this afternoon. God physically strengthened my weary body as I walked into the radiation oncologist's office again at 3pm to submit to the machine. A verse that meant much to me these 2 days was Exodus 14:14 that God will fight our battles, we just need to keep still. And the word "still" in the Hebrew meant to surrender, to let go---and know that He is God in the midst of our circumstances. Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10.

Psalm147:10-11 God's delight is not in the legs of a man but the LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His Unfailing Love, no matter what He sends our way. It has been an emotional two days for me and I have been spent in doing radiation and watching my husband in ICU. You know, our suffering is not a curse, but more like a mission to "let go" and honor a God Who has allowed things providentially and always for our good. We have to wrestle with Him until He changes our name. None of us want to suffer. Jesus asked for the cup to pass from Him. But, He also embraced his suffering and walked in it where His Heart brought Him to empty Himself. God is emptying us from things we've held onto that we need to "let go." Detaching us from dependence on anything that brings us Joy but HIM, even our health.

It's 8:30pm and we are on our way to bed. Good night sweet friends. HE has our attention. HE has our hearts. We don't have a definitive answer what went wrong. But we are seeing with eyes wide open precious ways to value learning to love more than resolution of our pain. Our problems are a pathway to our beautiful God. The back of the door of the wardrobe in Narnia opens and offers a journey to come alive in ways we know not.

God leads us into desert places and speaks tenderly there if we listen. Hosea 2:14. HE makes the valley of suffering, a Door of Hope. And it is our privilege to walk alongside of you and embrace those open doors of suffering and joy--- blindly & boldly and with fear & faith. Do I want to learn better to love my husband and my children and my world more than I want the pain to go away? Wondering what it looks like in our lives to open our hearts wider to love.

Our Sincere Gratitude for your Prayers and Love! Overwhelmed in Austin with His Kindness!

please pray for my husband

2009-07-15T17:30:00.002-06:00

My husband passed out this morning for a few minutes while he was driving my son Britt's Scout. He ran off the road and God really protected him. The paramedics took him by ambulance to the hospital and the ambulance broke down on the way to the hospital---they had to get another one. Oh! They took him to St. David's and he has been in ICU all afternoon. They just moved him to ICU to monitor his heart rate which has been in the 40's. Thank you so much for praying! Bev

A Billboard in China

2009-07-12T17:01:00.005-06:00

A friend of Barrett's was visiting China and looked up and saw this billboard and e-mailed it to Barrett who had no idea he was on a billboard---he raced in China and Korea recently. He did Treasure Island this weekend and I think he did great---he's off to compete for France in three races, France's Grand Prix or something like that. It will be very surreal if Brooke sees her brother on a billboard in China. Brooke is in China---on her way back home to the States. Can't wait to see my girl again! Really!Here is a different billboard where you can see the writing a little more. Can anyone read Chines---what does it say? Did you read about the family whose Christmas card ended up as advertisement on a billboard in Prague?

Tomorrow, Monday morning, I have 2 radiation treatments. 8:40am and 3:10pm. Oh dear me. I am taking life moment by moment. And may I be more concerned about my unholiness than about my pain! There is something that happens to my body every time I go into that radiation machine. My mind is clear and I know that it will not collapse on me nor stab me nor snatch me. My body remembers what my mind does not. Brings me back to my rape. I was unconscious for over 24 hours from alcohol poisoning but was with 4 teen boys for those 24 hours. They laid me unconscious at my family's doorstep the next day and ran. Pretty horrific.

But there is a Great Physician Who is in that room with me continuing a surgery on my heart as I live in the present moment and deal with what is in my heart. And it has caught me off guard how radiation treatments make me want to give my life and energy and passion to pursuing God's purposes and watching out for the contrary agendas within me. And repent. LORD have mercy on me in that thing. God doesn't always give and guarantee us instant comfort but HE never means anything we go through except for my good. I was reading this afternoon: "Our agenda is to fix the world until it can properly take care of us. God's agenda is to bring all things together in Christ until every knee bows before Him." The book went on to say how people equate peace with pleasant circumstances. "God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His Goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low." "Whenever we place a higher priority on solving our problems than on pursuing God, we are immoral."

Before one of my radiation treatments last week, God placed on my heart to find a homeless person and give them something that day. I usually avoid them---thinking they need to find a job. They are prolific in Austin and the city takes care of them---boggles my mind. I also think they may pull me out of my car. I shared with a clean-cut attractive lady sitting next to me at my radiation oncologist's office that morning that I had been terrified to go in for my radiation treatment that day, but God had given me 2Cor 1:9 that I must rely not on myself and how strong I am but on God Who raises the dead. She began weeping uncontrollably and said that was what her pastor preached on last Sunday and she was struggling immensely because she was a homeless person, living in her car, for the past year---even though she had a full-time job. We talked for about an hour. God's Agenda: every knee shall bow before Him. This is not about solving all our problems but pursuing our beautiful God in the midst. He's good!

8:40 AM - Safe in The Shadow

2009-07-08T15:00:00.003-06:00

Groping for the light switch in the radiation prep room, I decided to pull the string. It was a shrieking strobe alarm that blasted into the darkness. Doctors and nurses came running. Week #2 started off with a stir. Tackling cancer diagnosis and treatments sometimes makes you feel like a junior college transfer student heading to an ivy league school.

I met with my radiation oncologist today to discuss the radiation treatments. I trust this guy with my life---I trust my God with my life. My radiation oncologist said to me that not having a 4th surgery was risky and he was going to make up for it by adding additional radiation treatments. He was stuck between the opinions of my other oncologists. "Caught in the middle." "Risky" was not the word I was hoping to hear today. You realize, in the still of the night, that we are all in His Hands.

Every morning, I jog about a mile or two or three around 6:30am and ask God what He is saying to me in all of this. He is "emptying spaces in my heart that I have filled up with myself" and other stuff. Detaching me from dependence on any source of Joy other than Him. Walking into the Radiation Room is a good thing for me to face. Embrace the suffering of cancer. It's not about finding relief from this Providential suffering. It's all about finding God in the midst. He is so showing up for me. Not because I am so strong. Quite the contrary. My body quakes when they put me through the treatment. I walk in to face this machine sobbing and walk out sobbing even harder. Then it's over for the day. Sometimes 8:40AM passes faster than others---not Wednesdays though. They need a new X-ray every Wednesday. I panicked about half way through this morning yet God so helped me push through. That's all I can say. "Be my Shepherd, carry me forever." Psalm 28:9. He is carrying me through this.

Every evening, I ask my beautiful God to give me His Word to face a new day. Not to claim a verse so everything will be okay... but to meet my God there, the Living Word. I don't want to use HIM to give me power and strength and victory and go on my way. I want to fall forward and find a rest, a peace in these circumstances that doesn't come from relief but relationship.

I read 2 Cor 1:9 where Paul talked about how he despaired of his life because of all the circumstances that happened to him. But Paul wrote that his experiences made him rely not on himself and how strong and positive he could be. What happened to him made him depend on a God Who raises the dead. That verse so spoke to me. What does it look like to depend on God's strength and not my own? Does it mean you just keep your mouth shut? Does it mean the absence of temptation? Does it mean I'll walk without fear? Does it mean I will find relief in all my problems? I don't think it means any of that. Not if I am living in the present moment and facing what is really in my heart. "Though the mountains shake and the hills be removed, My Unfailing Love will not be shaken. My Covenant of Peace to you will not be removed," says the God we so love and adore. The God Who has compassion on me and you.

I am finding a peace I know not. A rest I've not entered before. Small seismic shifts. A little more solid while a lot of chaos as traumas of my past enter my heart and overwhelm me in that machine where I am all alone behind massive sealed doors. But no, I'm never alone. I knew there was no one in the waiting room praying for me today, no one waiting for me. My car was broken and I had to be dropped off so my son could get to where he needed to be. God used that expereince to draw me closer. I had set up to listen to Paul Baloche during the treatment, but instead Darlene Zsech came on singing "He Has Made Me Glad." My Shield. My Strength. My Portion. My Deliverer. My Shelter. Strong Tower. A Very Present Help in Time of Need.

8:40AM Monday through Fridays. I am in a machine that I want to welcome as my friend where I face my fears and embrace the Providential suffering that my God is using to wake me up. 6 down and 31 to go and that makes me quiver---how will I make it? But it's a place where I am hidden in that Radiation Room and covered by His Hand. And I don't know how. But He is giving me courage to live my life truthfully and deal with my feelings of failure rising up. "I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the shadow of My Hand." Isaiah 51;16.
If you remember around 8:40AM any day of the week, would you say a prayer for me that God keeps me safe in that Shadow. Love to each of you! Bev

Written at: 4:05:06 on 07.08.09

8:40am and 4:20pm ................................. A Double Dose of The Door

2009-07-01T20:39:00.005-06:00

I walked a mile under sultry thunderclouds before my first day of radiation this morning. Listened over and over to Mercy Me's "Bring The Rain." Bring me Joy. Bring me Peace. Bring the chance to be Free. Bring me anything that brings you Glory. I know there will be days when life brings me pain and if that's what it takes: Jesus bring the Rain. And rain it did all over Austin and all over this little girl's heart as I faced my fears and traumas of days gone by and walked into that Radiation Room this morning. First, I had to have another CT Scan---you are kidding, right? I jumped on that CT scan table and said: "Let's embrace this fear and believe me---this is not about how strong I am."

As I passed the 2-foot walled Door to walk into the Radiation Room, I did sense the Presence of my very good God and his holiness. The Door freaked me out as it shut behind me. Alone. There is a sense that we walk alone with our God. He was there! It took about 15 minutes to take the x-rays and do the first radiation---- that seemed like an hour. The tech said "Close your eyes, really tight." My reply: "I'm even scared of the dark."

All I can say is that God has brought me to this place and He was good to me today even in my terror. I never dreamed I could even look at the 2-foot door but I actually patted it on the way out and said: "You have no power over me to wall me in." This experience is my new friend, James 1:3, and I count it joy to face this trial and ask my beautiful God to free me up in these fears that have gripped my life. No more! May I want His Glory more than my own comfort and sanity.

God was so good to me today. I sobbed as two techs rushed in to rescue me. I had already been rescued and was safe in His Hands. I'll have to take Radiation one day at a time. Tomorrow, July 2nd, is my son's birthday and I will choose to have two radiation treatments 8:40am and 4:20pm since they will be closed on Friday. I could have done just one. No, I will push through this and trust Him! I tried to go to a church staff luncheon after radiation this morning, and made it almost through. I turned to my husband and said: "you have to bring me home right now." I was so exhausted! And I went to sleep around 1pm and slept so sweetly for 4 hours. I cannot thank you enough for praying for me. This was one of the hardest days for me!

Happy Birthday to my precious boy, Britt. He will turn 18 tomorrow, July 2nd. He's at CONA this week, The Conference on National Affairs, with YMCA Youth & Government in Black Mountain, North Carolina having the time of his life. His proposal on Title IX Reform made it to 2nd committee. Woohoo!

Eighteen years ago, I lost three babies in one year. Two were ectopic pregnancies. The doctors said we could never get pregnant again after 7 years of infertility. The next month I became pregnant, my 4th pregnancy in one year, and it was another ectopic pregnancy. I begged the doctors to wait before they took this one. Had to stay close to a hospital cause you can literally bleed to death if they rupture. My friend, Kellie, asked me at our kindergarten class party if she could pray for me in the school hall. Kellie laid her hands on me and asked God to give this baby life. I felt heat come from her hands into my body. So surreal. I went back to my OB doctor the next day and asked for a sonogram to appease me cause we had prayed for this baby to move through the tubes. I'll never forget my OB's words as he scanned over the picture of what was inside of me. "Look at this heart beating. Your baby is safe. He is in no longer in the tubes." His name is Britt and he will be 18 tomorrow.

And the beat of Britt's heart is for his God whom he loves and wrestles with---a God that He is finding hopefully in places like Black Mountain and at his new home, Austin Texas. He has been the joy of my life as my older three left for college several years ago. Never complains. Loves life. Such a hard worker. And he honors this mom who prayed for him. I remember touching his long toes for the first time to see if he was really alive. So grateful to our amazing God for this little big miracle who has grown into a 6'4" frame of His power to save.

God is so working in my heart to free me up and help me live in this present moment. May I be much more concerned with my weak Christianity at times than over any harm that has been done to me. My God will never harm me---even this is for my good. He's a good God! Pray for a double dose of my good God tomorrow at 8:40am and again at 4:20pm. How in the world can I do it? IDK. All I know is that He helped me leap over that 2-foot thick door this morning. HE gave me Hope not Relief in the midst of all I carry in my heavy heart. Your prayers mean more to me than words I can find. I need Him so. Moment by Moment. Little by Little. Exodus 23:27-31.

As we celebrate our Independence Day, may we find our own freedom from fear and harm and life itself. Happy Fourth of July to you and your family. May you find a little more freedom in your heart, this weekend, than you have ever known.

Powerless as I Face Radiation

2009-06-30T14:15:00.004-06:00

The phone call I've been waiting for just came. All four of my doctors --- surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, and pathologist --- all are on the same page and no further surgery is required. No mastectomy (only 3 partial ones!) and no chemo. Thank you God! And since the report lists that there is "exuberant healing" occurring in the biopsy cavity, WELL that just means one thing to me----only God can do that! Thank you God for exuberant healing!

This part of my cancer journey is now history (I think :) and I move to the radiation stage in the morning. Can I just shout out loud to the good God I so adore that even in a few mishaps there were overwhelming Kindnesses from HIM. I'm so grateful to HIM for having made it to the place where I am in my heart of surrender in suffering. Our wills are so dead set against suffering yet my heart has taken me to places I would not go. I had to live in the present and deal with what was going on in my heart for the beautiful God I know that I know that I know was doing surgery on my heart and I thought it was on my body! He led me to use the pain to wrestle more passionately with the character and purposes of God. This life is not about us. It's all about HIM and fulfilling His purposes----why He has us here. I exist for Him. He so wants me fully. He does not exist for me and my world. While the surgery on my body is over; the surgery on my heart continues.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I begin radiation treatment. I went in on Monday for a simulation and was not prepared for what happened. I didn't think that the radiation treatments would be difficult for me as they simulated the event. It wasn't. It's impossible for me and what I deal with! My body quaked in the CT Scan and, then again, in the Radiation Room. As the 3-foot thick wall door was closed on me....and when they put the band around my legs to stabilize my spine in the CT Scan, flashbacks of childhood memories of horrific things flooded my mind and I cried out sobbing to our good God. Yes, there is much trauma in my life from what has been done to me but my God will carry me through even this. I don't know how! My good God offers me HOPE not RELIEF in the midst of my suffering. I'll wrestle to find that hope tomorrow morning and ask you to join me in praying that I will be more concerned about my unholiness than any anguish I suffer.

Will I grieve more over my flailing commitment to a majestic Christ than over whatever harsh and horrible treatments I will endure? That's the beat of my heart. Let my Great Physician have his full way in my heart and body. I've dealt with so much surreal fear in my life. He knows the way I take. Our wills are so set against suffering and we don't want our loved ones to suffer. But the reality of the heart living in reality pushes us into an awareness against our will of living in this present moment of suffering and that's so good. No denial. No relief. No one has ever walked in your shoes. No one knows what you have to face. God sees. He knows the way we take. We can trust Him---so what does that look like for me tomorrow?

This is the biggest battle for me. And I embrace this suffering surrendered in trepidation with eyes lifted to the Unseen. For those of you who don't struggle with fears like this, you probably wonder about this. All I know is that when they close that three-foot door on me tomorrow morning, my good God will be in that room with me whether I sense His Presence or not. He will be there. My Great Physician!

My faithful lifelong friend, Mindy, called me this morning when she heard about what I went through on Monday in the radiation simulation. She knows me better than almost anyone except my family. I'm sobbing as I write this. Her voice cracked as she wept and read to me: "Asa cried out to the LORD his God, 'O LORD, there is NO ONE LIKE YOU to help those who are powerless. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your Name, we will come against this.' " 2 Chron 14:11.

Radiation 8:30am Wednesday July 1st and every day for 7 weeks...

Two Posts in the Same Day........surgery again??

2009-06-26T20:53:00.008-06:00

FRIDAY UPDATE - Just met with the medical oncologist to finalize chemo. BUT, my medical oncologist's interpretation of the surgical pathology report is that all of my margins re-excised are focally positive with DCIS cancer and that means you need to have a mastectomy. She needs to be convinced by the surgeon about the surgeon's decision on Wednesday to release me and do no further surgery. Here we sit at 5:00pm on a Friday. Wait til Monday. So that's the Friday findings. I will wait til Monday to have them re-hash the mastectomy re-visit between the med oncologist and surgeon and hospital pathologist whose pathology report is quirky according to the two oncologists.

You know, I'm sitting here thinking, what settles us? I don't want to go through another anesthesia anytime soon. And I think in moments like this, it is about Truth settling deep down in our hearts where we really wrestle with the goodness of God. Psalm 51:6---David wrestled with his doubt of a good God, his sin. Is God good only if the report is good? Nope. I didn't question the surgeon til now. Actually, I still don't. I question the hospital pathologist and wonder if we should run the cancerous tumor/tissue slides back to MDAnderson for the third time for interpretation from their pathology department?

And I thought it would all be settled today. And it all started on April 1st. Ha. I'll embrace this weekend and take care of my body like my nutritionist told me to do in my appointment with him this morning. Had a great appointment with this doctor who mapped out a plan for me to build back my serotonin level naturally. He said my serotonin is depleted and we can do it with natural supplements. I've never tried anti-depressants for serotonin depletion and I have never taken supplements until April 1st---amino acids and glutamine and methyl and all-natural products. I have a super nutritionist with Lone Star Oncology who is aggressively treating the health of my body on a bio-molecular level. The supplements he has had me on are tried-and-true clinical findings from research places like Mayo Clinic and Duke University and MDA. My last two surgeries showed that I had exuberant healing occurring--- that's really good.

This cancer journey has been a huge wake-up call for me to take care of my body where I have been lax in what I ate and drank way-too-many cokes every day of my life. Not anymore, not since April 1st. No cokes. No sugar. No fast food. No Oreo's. No ice cream. Diet doesn't heal alone but disrespect of my body and what I put in it isn't healing me either. Don't know how I could have tackled this simple diet without God's help. Don't know how I've done it except maybe I'm desperate because I have cancer in my body and I am going to beat this thing by the grace of God.

So, as our confusing appointment ended, I brought up the word I thought would shoot out of the medical oncologist's mouth first, ---CHEMO. Her response? Absolutely not. Mastectomy, yes. Chemo, no. Your profile and oncotype is way too low. 4% incremental benefit if you take chemo. "Not even a consideration," she blurted out. You are kidding me? I didn't even have to make a decision about chemo. After reading my profile, five different oncologists all have said "no chemo." (The medical oncologist actually did say "chemo" on the last visit but seemed to definitively change her leaning.) So, there you go. She didn't even give me a choice on chemo. The only people who said chemo was MDA---institutional policy for micrometastasis.

I'll post again Monday as I go for my first radiation appointment at 8:30am unless they pull me out to put me on the surgery table again.

Here's another silly story. I left my oncologist's office at 5:00pm and went straight to my surgeon's office next door to leave a handwritten note asking for clarification for my confused soul. While trying to slip the carefully crafted handwritten note in perfect penmanship, face up, under her locked glass door, my hand got caught under the rubber sweep guard that allows you to easily slip mammogram files under her door. My hand was stuck! I burst out laughing so hard---at least I wasn't crying. Don't panic. And you know the rest of the story because my hand is typing this post---I got it out! I could envision Bob eventually wondering where in the world his wife was and coming up to find me laying on the floor rolling laughing in a dark vacant building with my hand stuck in the surgeon's door. Who should we call for help? Bob just kept waiting downstairs in the car for me. Wondered why I took so long.

I'm so bewildered and bothered and bold and bracing myself to fall before God this weekend and let Him carry me through this. All I know to do is cry out to Him moment by moment by moment. Reminds me of Deut 1:31. "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as parents carry their children. He carried you wherever you went until you came to this place." I am going to keep crying out and ask God to carry me and help me live in the present moment while I wait for Monday to come.

FREE for Senior Citizens

2009-06-26T08:08:00.008-06:00

Seems to me like the past 12 weeks all comes down to this very day. It's the day we finalize the decision to go the chemo route first, or start radiation on Monday. My surgeon released me. She was not able to completely remove all of the DCIS cancer. It is to my chest wall. No further surgery of any kind can remove that. The surgical pathology report noted that the surgical specimen has positive margins, focally positive for DCIS in all margins. That's the surgical medical diagnosis.

All of the above is just information as my good friend Kathryn says. I am safe, no matter what, in the hands of an Invisible, sometimes Silent, Good and Loving God.

I will see my medical oncologist today to finalize chemo and/or radiation. It's a hazy gray area which way to go. Mathematically, the incremental benefit of taking chemo increases my survival rate by 4%. Only four women out of 100 would benefit from taking chemo.

I won't go against medical advice and second opinions...but my ultimatum is this: I am placing my trust in the hands of our good God and His direction. The percentage of women who benefit from chemo with my profile is staggeringly low.

You know, I believed that after the first surgery, my good surgeon would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the second surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the third surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. It didn't happen. So what do I do with that? Some think it's your faith or lack of it. Some think it's the way you handle your problems.

We all have different theologies. I do know this. I am a little more stable, a little more stronger in the LORD, and in love with Him a little more, even after going through a horrendous experience for four days this past weekend where my body violently reacted to the anesthesia. And not being able to sleep longer than a couple of hours each night of this week. It was trauma for me. PTSS is what they say. But my mind is very clear this morning even though my body still is not cooperating. I know Whom I have believed in and I am CONVINCED that He is able to keep me until that day. And no one knows what day that is. I am kept by a Mighty Present God. HE meets us in our weakness. It's my theology of weakness and I hold to it. His Strength is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Cor 12:9. I asked for Him to take away the cancer by surgery and He didn't. I believe He still will and the door of healing is always open. I depend on Him whether I feel like He is listening or I am overwhelmed with sensing His Presence. Both happens to me.

So, I'll end with a silly story on this weighty friday. I drove into the hospital parking lot yesterday and stopped to ask the attendant how much the parking was to make sure I had enough in my wallet. This older gentleman looked me straight in the eyes and said: "FREE. It's free for senior citizens." Ha. I guess my pony tail and blue jeans didn't convince him that I might be in any other category. And yes I am a member of AARP. I got a good laugh out of it, though. I'll post again on Monday and tell you where I am---in a chemo chair or under a beam of radiation.

To have friends walk alongside of me during this difficult time means much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, your comments, your support, your cards, your love! HE is lifting up my head!

Mustard Seeds

2009-06-23T22:18:00.006-06:00

I was walking around Dillard's asking, knocking, and seeking in my heart for the God I so love to show up and speak to me. I've just spent the most horrific four days sedated from anesthesia, paralyzed in fear, frozen in a tiny apartment. Crying out to God! The pieces began to fall in place today that I was over-medicated for a fifteen minute procedure or so I perceive. If you've ever had a PTSD diagnosis, then you know the nightmare when your mind is messed with. I'm not medical but I am asking a whole lot of questions about what went wrong with the anesthesia. I was a mess, but make no mistake, I am one glorious mess! A God Who keeps me together. No matter what, God's arm is never too short and His Hand was still on me, covering me, giving me breath. I thought about deleting my last post, but I think you know it was written while I was very upset and bewildered.

It took four days for the anesthesia to finally clear. So, I'm very slowly walking around Dillard's today waiting for the phone call from the surgeon with the news of Friday's pathology report. We're still pretty new to Austin and I've only been to this mall like twice. Never expected to see anyone I knew. I barely recognized this lady who approached me---I had met her at a luncheon. She told me that she should be home packing for an out-of-town trip, but wondered if God had sent her to the mall to meet up with me. She said God had been telling her for the past 24 hours that she needed to call me and tell me that all I needed is faith as big as a mustard seed. And God wanted me to tell you that you've got more faith than a seed in you. Now I don't know about God telling people other things to show up and tell people at a mall....HOWEVER...it was as though God was standing right there for me enveloping me in His arms. I was desperate. I mean, I had just been asking Him for help with what I had been through the past four days and how I could handle the expected phone call with His strength---the phone call that would ring within a few minutes spilling out news if my body still has cancer cells that remain. And there He was, God met me at Dillard's.

And my cell rang....it was my surgeon with the news of the surgical pathology report.
My margins were clear on the last cancerous tumor excised. But! Yes, they found cancer cells at the chest wall, BUT radiation will get those. And, you do not need any further surgery. No mastectomy. Surgery is finished. That's all.
I blurted out HALLELUJAH. And the doctor said it right back to me.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou God is all I could keep saying as I hung up the phone. I called Bob first then drove to the park and fell to my knees as cars whizzed by and I just kept saying thank you over and over again to Him I don't have to face a fourth surgery at this time. I didn't care who was watching. I was one happy girl!

My appointment with the surgeon is at 10:15am tomorrow, and I will find out the rest of the story because she wasn't pleased with the interpretation of the pathology report and has asked for clarification from the pathologist. So things could change. I'm reservedly ecstatic!

Then, it's off to the nutrition oncologist who is going to try to help me with this "GI" problem I am still having. I've lost 8 pounds since June 3rd. Something about eosinophils. Then off to the medical oncologist for a final consult on chemo. Will let you know how it all turns out. I'm so grateful to God Who sees it all unfolding from bizarre anesthesia to mustard seeds of faith growing in my heart. Deeply appreciate your prayers that move the hands of our good God.

PS - On April 7, 2009 when I received the diagnosis of "cancer," I taped a mustard seed into a notebook where I would keep all of my medical records. Then I taped a mustard seed into a brand new pink journal that I would start on that day. I'm always looking at those mustard seeds when I open those books up just about every day.

"I Am Unworthy"

2009-06-22T21:15:00.002-06:00

I was sobbing for hours in the darkness hoping for some breakthrough. Never came. Evidence of a new morning slipped into my somber mood. I was reading the Book of Job. I made it to chapter 37 and so wondered what God was saying to me. I decided to try to slip out of bed into the stillness of the night and listen to the last four chapters on my iPod and walk, waiting for the break of dawn. I moved my weary body slowly, methodically, soaking up a sunrise no one had ever seen before. I could only walk at a snail's pace and I listened with every ounce of attention to the reply that God gave to Job and his friends in those last four chapters. I was deeply touched by Job 40:4 "I am unworthy. I put my hand over my mouth. I have no answer." It was such a low point. My body was wrecked from the anesthesia as well as a parasite that has been playing havoc with my gi tract since June 3rd. I've lost eight more pounds. But more than that my trusting heart was in a body that was on overdrive and I couldn't slow it down.

Anesthesia went so well for the first two surgeries. What happened? Not so for the third surgery on Friday. It was supposed to be the least invasive surgery. But, I had a new anesthesiologist with a different philosophy. I think he over-medicated me. From the moment I awakened, I began crying out that I felt like I was dying. Can't begin to tell you how badly I have felt all weekend. Extreme exhaustion where I couldn't even get up. Excessive depression that made me feel like I was so unloved. I struggle with that anyway, but this was unreal. My worst fear of anesthesia came true. And I listened hard to those last four chapters of Job. What are you saying to me God?

My friend JoAnn, the nurse, called and encouraged me to attend her breast cancer support group at noon today---she thought God wanted me there. Oh dear! When I went to church yesterday so longing to praise the God I just adore, I began sobbing as the bass of the music went through me and I thought everyone was screaming at me. I sang Praise Adonai and wondered how I could feel so shaken. I haven't even been able to get up out of bed hardly for four days now until this morning's brief walk that did me in. Can't go, JoAnn. She wouldn't take "no" for an answer. "I'll be your nurse and take care of you, Bev!" Maybe it would be good to get out---I'm gonna feel bad here or there. I had no idea what God would hold for me there.

I sat next to an M.D. and shared my horrendous anesthesia experience with her. She unraveled for me a mystery about my body that gave me courage. I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago when I was separated from treasured friendships I loved then and still do. There are certain drugs you just don't take with PTSD and no one had ever told me that before. It was the exact IV anesthesia and sleep meds that had been given to me. That was why I haven't been able to sleep for three nights, they had made me feel even weirder, so hostile and horrific, such disturbed sleep. That meeting with this doctor was a divine intervention for me that gave me hope that all this anesthesia will continue to wear off. And I will continue to trust God, no matter what. No matter how I feel. It's difficult enough dealing with cancer and so wanting to move on. I will wrestle with our good God to find a rest I know not. I don't know what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow afternoon I will find out if my margins are clear. I am camping in Luke 18---the persistent widow who wants always to pray and not lose heart. I know that I am greatly loved and I'll keep pushing through to love others more than I want to be loved by them. I don't want to live demanding that people treat me a certain way. All I can say is that God is showing up. While I still have very little reserves in my physical body tonight, I believe that God is meeting me in my weaknesses. And I am so humbled that he would arrange an unscheduled free doctor's consult for me this day that unraveled a little more about me.

Seems like people have to have answers in life for things too wonderful. We try to reduce the mystery of this life to "steps" to take to find freedom. All I'm saying is that He is teaching me to live in this present moment of what is really happening in my heart and surrendering to Him, not living for answers but living for his honor. And HE will unwind and unravel and undo all that has been done that's not of Him. I will long remember this day.

Anesthesia was super scary - June 19th

2009-06-15T21:55:00.009-06:00

UPDATE ON Friday June 19th Surgery: Surgery today went well. I'm in a little more pain than I thought after three surgeries. I had a huge problem recovering from the anesthesia. Versed. Oh my! Felt worse than I could have imagined. They gave me more anesthesia than expected. Thanks so much for praying that our beautiful God remove all the cancer. Trusting Him, no matter what. Romans 8:26. I sent the verse to Abby and she was sending it right back to me---that was so God! The surgical report comes back on Tuesday. Please pray for clear margins!

Britt is doing a CHARITY fundraiser garage sale w/10 families SATURDAY JUNE 20th for children in Chiang-Mai, Thailand at The Horne's---you just have to go by if you live in Austin. Twelve Hyde Park high school students have pulled this off. So disappointed I can't be there to help but the Hornse are amazing in hosting this. The students picked up donated items like wrought iron lawn furniture, designer clothing, furniture, tons of electronics. All the money they make will go to help Nat walk again---he's an 11-year-old that Britt met in one of the villages in Thailand. Brooke took him to the doctor today for an evaluation---it cost $6 for the hospital visit. He will need physical therapy. And the rest of the money raised will help buy clothing and food for tribal village children as Brooke wraps up three years in Thailand---she'll be home July 24th. Pray that people buy lots of stuff and give a few extra dollars to make a difference in the lives of these needy children who are so loved by God.

The Following Post is from Thursday: I can't thank you enough for all of you who stopped to pray for me on Thursday at 8:15pm.

A strange peace came over me as I listened to the mild-mannered unperturbed words of my surgeon this morning. I jotted at the top of my notes "5 loaves and 2 fish." God is going to have to help me get through this appointment. The soliloquy was not the measure of concern that came from the oncologist's pathology report interpretation on Friday. My surgeon was wide awake in surgical strategy actually saying: "Your margins are clear but there is now a second focus of another invasive cancer that is only 3 mm. I removed that new cancerous tiny tumor on Tuesday but those margins are not clear. You now have multi-focal cancer and need final clear margins. I don't recommend a mastectomy at this point, just a partial one. Can we do surgery this Friday at 10:30am to clear those margins?"

Can I please take like a week to mull over this and pray and ponder. No, I can't. I have one minute not one week to wonder. The words spilled out of my mouth with such ease. "Yes, I will submit again to one more surgery this coming Friday." But, I have to be hydrated and over this bacterial infection or I can't do it. So, pray that my body continues to recover. Since the two liters of IV on Friday along with antibiotics, I have been able to keep food down. I have continued to improve every day.

God has continued to open doors for me that are amazing. I'm simply awestruck over here at what He is doing in my heart. I was so upset the day after surgery thinking a "purse thief" took two $20 bills out of my wallet at the hospital. It was my husband who put the money back in the bank since I actually wasn't going anywhere. I thought differently. Funny the things we let bother us rather than choose to love. I asked God to give me back that money and someone at church handed me a normal #11 business envelope with a bunch of $20 bills crammed in it. And here I was, actually surprised at God! It was anonymous---they wanted me to know it was from God. $500 of bills. I think there's more surgery going on in my heart than in my body. Ways I look at things that don't please Him. Sin that comes out of me that so surprises me. And beautiful opportunities to repent before the God Who has taken care of all of our sins. There's hope for my sin!

Attempting Tuesday's surgery while being dehydrated was really devastating. That's the difficult thing in this cancer journey---you manage your own care. I'm not with all the same oncology group---my second and third opinions brought me to other groups. You may ask why---when a radiation oncologist answers my question that his machines are 10 years old, I think I have to find more cutting edge technology. Maybe I'm wrong and it's okay. It does create a medical team that communicates by snail mail. I carry all my own records everywhere, every time. And I'm not medical. But they know I will ask every question that comes to my mind and from my research. And most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. But this I know----my beautiful God's arm is not too short for me. Isaiah 50:2 - when I called, was there none to answer? Is my arm so short for you? I want to hear Him calling and answer in all my moments, the good ones and the hard ones and the silent ones when I wonder if He is listening.

Bob and I walked out of the surgeon's office looking at each other in amazement with peace. We went straight to the Austin hospital to pick up the tumor, tissue slides. And Bob actually drove my tumor from that Austin hospital to MDAnderson in Houston today for a second opinion on the pathology report. I was not strong enough to take the six-hour round trip. My husband is quite amazing even though he has been accused of being a "purse thief." Isaiah 33:6 describes him well---Christ is the stability of his times and this man offers me so much hope and courage and love, so much!

I am going to take Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and retreat. I'm going to a private place by myself to read and listen and wrestle and wonder and praise the beautiful God Who is so carrying me through this. You won't hear from me over the next three days, only intermittently. I won't be blogging or answering e-mail's or texts or phone calls. He is calling me to fast my words, fast my connections and come to Him.

Then, Thursday night, at 8:15PM at our Mo-Pac apartment, I welcome any of you in Austin to join me and my family to pray for me ---- about 30 minutes. Maybe some of you, like my dear friends Holly and Annette, will slip to your knees where you are some time during that half hour. I know my children will be praying at that moment whether in Thailand or Korea or California or DC---wherever they are. Let me throw in a congratulations to Barrett who came in 10th at a Half Ironman Triathlon in Korea yesterday winning a couple of thousand dollars.

Join us and pray with us, to the same God, Whose arm is not short for me--- even though some of you bloggers will be sitting miles and miles away. God will be listening on Thursday evening to you and your family---send a thought for me. And for any of you close by, just drop by at 8:15pm on Thursday. Call Bob 512.541.5772 for directions to our apartment. It will be the eve of my surgery and I'm asking you to pray. I would be so humbled by your presence before our God for me, whether in body or in spirit. God says in Isaiah 65:24: "Before you even call, I will answer." Please do! I'm still scared but surrendered! Still a mess, but a glorious one! Cannot thank you enough for your praying for me and walking alongside! I need community. I'll talk to you all after my Friday surgery. And maybe I might see some of you on Thursday night---that would be a joy!

In a Tight Place Over Here

2009-06-14T17:21:00.004-06:00

Weekends like this one makes me question and think really hard about life. I'm in a tight place.

Friday morning was the deadline with our medical oncologist whether to choose chemo or not. She took one look at me and said----we have to get you on an IV. I could barely walk into her office Friday a.m., I was so weak. Dehydrated. Again. For 10 days I had not been able to keep down food and liquids. Severe vomiting. Don't know why either. My surgeon decided to go ahead with the re-excision surgery on Tuesday. They gave me an IV to re-hydrate me. I walked out of the hospital, Tuesday, or was wheeled out and felt really good by Tuesday night. Short-lived. By Wednesday, I was back in trouble again. Thursday, I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow, so nauseous, incredibly weak. So here I sat Friday morning trying to tell my medical oncologist that I wasn't going to choose to go the route of chemo. That's when she read me the report of the surgical pathology report from Tuesday's surgery. It was hard to hear. It was bad news for me again. Now the med oncologist wants to do chemo. I won't go against medical advice.

Surgical Pathology Report from Tuesday's surgery: No clear margins. Again. Tuesday's surgery to get all the cancer out was not successful. Med oncologist's recommendation was mastectomy and chemo---she's the medical oncologist. I meet with the surgical oncologist tomorrow morning, Monday, to hear her interpretation of Tuesday's surgical pathology report and plan yet another surgery. Then chemo. Then radiation. This is so dragging out. One super hard thing in all of this is that you manage your own care or that's what it seems like to me and I'm not medical.

They tried to put the IV in my veins on Friday morning, but my vein collapsed. And what came to my mind was Psalm 46:1-3 God is so present in times of trouble ----somewhere, somebody told me this interpretation one time of that verse. "God is abundantly available in tight places." I have the smallest veins ever---my wrists are the size of a child's. I also had lost five pounds just this week from fluid loss. They had to call an RN from another floor in to find a vein. Sometimes, I feel so dramatic in all this. But it is reality. As I sat for about 5 hours receiving IV saline on Friday morning, I cried out to the God I so adore. Why can't this be over? It's been since April 1st trying to get answers and we still don't have a clear picture. We will tomorrow, probably. I've thought that so many times. And, yes, HE is available in tight places.

While I was waiting for lab reports, I put my jean jacket over my head in the waiting room and prayed that God would have some compassion on me. Isaiah 30:18 - HE longs to have compassion on us. Just a few seconds later, a random teenage girl came over to me in the waiting room and whispered a question in my ear--- she actually lifted up my jean jacket, invaded my personal space and whispered into my ear under my blue jean jacket---"Can I give you a hug?" It was as though God stepped over to me and gave me a physical hug----she will never know.

In about five hours I felt like a new person & actually walked out of there with tears still streaming down my face asking HIM to keep on showing up for I am still in a very very tight place.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have an incredibly unbelievable Present Mighty God Who is carrying me through this. 2 Timothy 1:6 says kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. I have no idea who those hands belonged to in that waiting room. I just know that I know that I know that I am not ashamed. I am called with a holy calling and it means I can ask my Father anything. And I can wrestle with my good God. And I can question Him. Not demand. But I can ask Him for healing and deliverance from even this---my soul, my body, my mind. And I believe. And I know that I know that I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced, I am persuaded at 3:00am when I am awakened at nights, that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. And when I don't believe, He helps my unbelief. Now, I have to just keep living moment by moment, surrendered, scared, and a little more solid than ever. It's not about how strong I am nor how positive I can be. It's all about the ONE who guards my heart, my life, my mind, my soul. I'm a mess over here but make no mistake, I am a glorious mess!

Pray for me at 9:45AM tomorrow, Monday morning, as I hear the final results of the surgical pathology report to plan another surgery.

Fearless Courage

2009-06-11T19:57:00.003-06:00

Tuesday....Surgery to remove remaining cancer cells went well on Tuesday. They ran IV fluids through me to re-hydrate me as I had a wicked flu this weekend. As I lay there waiting and praying for the 9:45am surgery, Daniel 9:23 kept coming to my mind. "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are greatly loved." I had not thought about those verses in a while. As I listened, I kept hearing them over and over. No one wants to have their surgery re-done. Can't tell you what it meant that God would remind me that I was greatly loved! I don't know what the answer is yet on the surgery results.

Wednesday....I have not been able to keep down water this morning, this afternoon. Severe stomach cramps have been constant all day.

Thursday....Feels like the same flu I experienced on Sunday. I've had a little reprieve since 8pm. I was able to get up and eat a little banana, a couple spoons of rice, a bite of toast. The heavens are also rumbling above as a summer storm and tornadoes are in the vicinity. Some pea-sized hail is hitting our windows as I write. My medical oncologist wants to see me in the morning to see if I need another IV. I am supposed to give my medical oncologist my decision tomorrow morning about whether I choose to take "chemotherapy" or not.

We've prayed. We've done our research on micrometastasis in the lymph nodes. We've gone for second and even third opinions. All of my oncologists here in Austin will support my decision to choose not to have chemo. So, I'm not against medical advice here. I'll deliver my decision at 8:30AM tomorrow. I think you know what that will probably be. We still have to wait for the surgical pathology report--- which should have been back by now--- to see if the margins of cancer within me are clear. That's what we are waiting for this night!

At least, tonight, I can sit up again. For that, I am most grateful!! I haven't been able to lift my head off the pillow most of the day today, Thursday. Deeply appreciate that you are checking on me and praying for me and my family. Britt has been at UT representing his high school with 800 other boys from around the state at the American Legion's BOYS STATE all week. They end tomorrow with Governor Perry addressing their final session. I won't be there. Wish I could.
Someone gave me a necklace that says "fearlessness." We've known for two weeks that June 12th is the chemo decision day. What God has continued to bring to my mind over these past two weeks was a verse I read 30 years ago that really gripped my heart. Three decades later, I remember that moment and that verse. Isn't that amazing? It's Phil 1:20 in the Moffatt version, "My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honor to Christ in my own person by fearless courage." So, I'll wear that necklace tomorrow as I visit the oncologist thinking about how my God is moving and working in me fearless courage. Fearlessness. HE is so working in my heart and I am so alive in HIM. It's not about how strong we are; it's all about His Strength made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 12:9.

Surgery is tomorrow...Calm my soul

2009-06-08T09:41:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is my planned surgery to re-excise and attempt to remove all the remaining cancer. Again. Please pray that the Great Physician guides my good physician to eradicate every single rogue cell. I am wrestling with my very beautiful good God that all of the cancer be removed. Again.

I have had the flu over the weekend and it has been rough. Very rough. I vomited for about 5 hours during the early hours of Sunday morning. Couldn't even keep down water. Pretty spent on Sunday. I'm much better today and have been cleared by my doctor to move ahead with surgery tomorrow. I plan to try to get re-hydrated today---still rather weak from the flu. But the best plan I know is Isaiah 40:31 that those who wait for the LORD will renew their strength---and then I can walk and not faint. He knows. Yes, He knows.

This morning my husband read to me Psalm 131. It's only three verses long. He could not have picked a better word for me this sultry morn. Last summer this chapter meant the world to me in what I faced at that time. And, again, this morning, God showed up at our breakfast table and I have tears streaming down knowing this word is really from Him to me. It's what I need to do to repent, to surrender, to think about as HE continues to make me into the person He created me to be. So here it is. It's my heartfelt humble scared prayer for tomorrow's surgery. I'm depending on HIM to do what only HE can do in my heart and in my body.

Psalm 131
O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
My eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things too great
and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Oh my soul, hope in the LORD, from this moment and
forever.
God determines the length of our days, doesn't HE? What I can look for as I face surgery, as I face life, is to look for rest and peace in HIM. To learn even in my fifties to more fully love my God, my husband, my family, my friends. And to learn how to receive His Love in the ways HE is caring for me which is sometimes different than what I thought would be. HE is asking me to surrender my body tomorrow to a surgeon and surrender my heart, every moment I grasp, to the Great Physician. I praise Him greatly for all HE has done for me to this very day and all HE will do. HE is a good God, no matter what happens! Please pray for a successful surgery tomorrow. God just loves that we knock on His door and ask Him. He is bending His Ear to me and to you this moment. Bending low from Heaven to the earth. Trying to get more of heaven in me. Psalm 18:6 - my cry has reached His ears. Would you please ask Him for me that no cancer remains in me after tomorrow. Or even today! Such a privilege to be a fellow struggler and walk this journey alongside people who care! I'd be so touched if you prayed for me when my God brings me to your mind tomorrow. I'd be honored if you left a comment on this post. My last post was closed to comments because of the weightiness of the issues we face, but all comments are open from now on.

My Gratitude and Love,
Scared and Surrendered, Bev

A Decision to Have Chemotherapy

2009-06-06T21:43:00.007-06:00

Dropped Britt off for the SAT College Board test (the final SAT out of four kids) and headed toward Town Lake for an early morning jog. I have to make a final decision by this coming Friday if I will do chemotherapy or not. I wanted to listen to what God was saying to me. It has been an emotionally charged week spending three days at MDAnderson and then back to Austin for appointments with three of my oncologists here. Part of me is more sure of the love of God than ever before. Part of me is so searching for my beautiful God to please help me in the swirling opinions of dealing with cancer.

I jogged three miles around lovely Lady Bird Lake to the Lamar Boulevard Bridge. I passed hundreds of people but made no eye contact this morning. You see, the tears were flooding my face and wouldn't stop as I listened to Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise." Did anyone even notice? There is a peace that is flooding my soul not based on my cancerous circumstances. I can't explain it. "Though my heart and flesh may fail, there is an Anchor for my Soul." I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow; no more pain---on that day. But it's this day and I do hold sorrow and pain in my heart. And I wrestle with a very good God in the midst. And I do wrestle.

As I ascended the spiral ramp to the Lamar Pedestrian Bridge, Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes" came on. "God my God, I cry out---your beloved needs you now. God be near, calm my fear. Take my doubt with Kindnesses. Your love is all that draws me in. I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. Yes, I will lift my eyes to my Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild." I stood at the peak of the prominent pedestrian bridge spilling my tears into this Reservoir on the Colorado River in downtown Austin. My God met me there and though my tears were many, the lake never noticed either. But my God did! He collected them from all of the billions of gallons of water below. Not a drop was left.

MDAnderson diagnosed even more cancer in the pathology report they generated from the tissue slides that I had sent from the tumors removed and stored in the Austin hospital pathology lab. The MDA oncologists concurred that chemo along with radiation was my hope for recovery from cancer. Make no mistake, MDA was thorough, pristine, and emphatic in their diagnoses and prognosis.

But on Wednesday when I faced my surgeon, my medical oncologist, and my radiation oncologist, it was a remarkably different scenario. They customized my care and gave me options. My medical oncologist took way over an hour with me to explain adjuvant therapy and playing the percentages. We had been waiting for the Oncotype DX Test Assay to return a LOW score. You are safe if it is 1-10. My score was 11. Pretty safe on a scale of 0-100. Over 64,000 women have participated in this clinical trial. MDA wouldn't give it any weight. My oncologists did. Their prediction is that if I take chemo, I will have a 4% greater chance of survival than if I didn't take the chemo. That's only 4 women out of 100 will have a greater survival rate. Does the risk outweigh the benefit? Hardly for me. Not 4%. But...

The microscopic cancer they found in one of two of my lymph nodes has been removed. It's gone. But it's systemic and it is in your bloodstream. What is the significance of microscopic cancer cells in your bloodstream? I can't seem to get a good answer to that question except that chemo will destroy all those cells, even microscopic. It also destroys good things as well like all your white blood cells. So what do I do to take care of this body that God has given me? My oncologists have said that it looks like adjuvant therapy of radiation and hormonal therapy for five years could take care of "it." They have put the final decision whether to take chemo into my lap.

It's a hazy gray area dealing with microscopic cancer cells obtained by an HCI stain. They push the envelope to find them. My God will lead me by Friday in a decision. This I do know--- He loves me so. HE determines the length of my days. I look for peace and rest. I long to love more fully my husband, family and friends He has given me. And I stand in awe of being loved by such a beautiful God in the ways He is caring for me in all of this. He is asking me once again, every day, to surrender and let Him re-make me into a lover. Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? No person can fill my empty soul but Him. My God has so opened doors for me as I have walked these past eight weeks. He'll open the door this week and unlock the decision. I cling to Him.

Please pray for me as my husband and I make this decision of whether to do chemo or not. I am not going to open this post to any comments. I don't want to put on anyone the weight of helping make or influencing this weighty decision. No comments on this post... but know that your friend loves you and values your life. I will continue to talk with medical people this week. I'll continue to do what research I can do. And I will continue to spread out my "news" before our very good God and continue to wrestle and deal with my doubts, my fears, my failures. Our God has already taken care of all that! I have been sick with the flu for the past couple of days and have had to take it easy. I'm back to normal today, gratefully.

I stood on that pedestrian bridge this morning and listened to the Voice of Love. And I told Him a gigantic thank you for all of you who are walking alongside me and my family. Cancer is a daunting journey. If God brings me to your mind, I'd so love for you to ask Him for two things:

Tuesday is surgery again for me. I'll post about it on Monday. My surgeon will remove the cancer that she missed the first time. Oh! Please pray that my surgeon is able to remove all of it this time. I need the Great Physician to show up! He will! And then pray for us as we decide on Friday if chemo is the right thing for me to do. Just like Hezekiah spread out letter that didn't hold good news that arrived in 2 Kings 19:14, here is our not so good news, oh God! Hezekiah went up to the temple of the LORD and spread it out before his God. Give ear, O LORD, and hear this letter. Open your eyes and see my own letter---a pathology report on Tuesday, oh my LORD, and listen. And Hezekiah's God answered in verse 20. May we hear the words on Tuesday: the cancerous tumors are all gone.

All comments on this post are CLOSED. Come back on Monday and I'd so love for you to leave a comment about my upcoming surgery on Tuesday.

365

2009-06-02T21:41:00.003-06:00

The rain is dancing against the gigantic picture window as I sit inside the windowseat on MD Anderson’s 5th hospital floor. The text from Sarah just arrived and it said: 365. It's the number of times Jesus tells us in the Bible not to be afraid. He knows I am afraid at MDA this day!

This place is a metroplex of hallmark hurting humble souls. I met some Christians here and God says about them Heb 11:38 - “The world is not worthy of these people.” My daughter Brooke’s college friend who works at MDA told me the story of how she walked into a room to check on a patient not doing well on their chemo. The patient’s reply was: “I’m blessed!” I looked hard into faces I’ve never seen weathered with pain, attached to appliances so foreign. We walked the halls of a house of suffering. 365.

Why is it God always seems to be doing big things in my life when it’s raining. It’s raining in my heart. Tears are storming down my face as I walk out of my last appointment in my stay at MD Anderson’s Breast Cancer Center. 365.

Here’s what happened at MDA…and I must say that this will probably be too long of a post for most. So the punch line is this: I didn’t get the good news I had hoped for---I need to have both chemo and radiation after my June 9th surgery because I have cancer in my lymph nodes.

My hospital stay started with a simple mammogram---except it was anything but normal. Dozens and dozens and dozens of bi-lateral scans reduced me to heaving and sobbing. I knew right away something had to be way wrong when they called me back again, twice. When alone, I slipped to my knees in my dressing room and sang “Jesus Loves Me” to myself.

An hour later, the ultra sound imaging tech showed up and I wasn’t ready for what would happen in that next couple of hours. I watched as the technician took 47 pictures---about every five frames--- she would click on them and they would light up like fire. Not good. She finished and said: “I have to go get the doctor to take a look at this.” In comes Dr. Dryden, dressed like he was going to a wedding. He took all those pictures over again as I tried to lay my head on my Lord’s lap and ask HIM to speak to me as those pictures kept lighting up like a fire in my breast.

The news was terrifying to me in that moment. 365. “We have found another tumor in your breast and in your lymph node and suspect it to be cancer. The size of the lymph node was very suspicious. We need to biopsy it. “Can my husband come back with me?” The answer was no---something about how he might faint on their floor. Actually, I’m the one that usually faints in stress---vaso-vagal syncope.

You’ll do fine. “You’re in good hands with Dr. Dryden.” I replied that I was really in Good Hands with my God.. They weren’t listening. Too busy prepping me for the procedure. All four of them had to walk out of the tiny room and the doctor made me promise I wouldn’t burst out the door and take off. Funny comment. Great idea! I guess he read me right. Could he see the sheer terror in my face when he said that if the biopsy came back cancerous, they would need to take out all 26 lymph nodes. I was alone in the room for a moment. I smoothed out the sheets and invited the beautiful God I so trust and love and adore to hop up and sit real close to my scared self. 365. Take my hand! 365! Say it to me God, one more time. “Don’t Be Afraid.” Cause I am.

The friendly four returned armed with gadgets and needles and draping and stuff. Too much for me to look at. All of a sudden, God brought to my mind: “A bruised reed He will not break; a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish.” Isaiah 42:3. The team moved quickly and walked me through every step. Local anesthesia---I would be awake for this. My recent lymph node dissection surgery had not healed fully and they were messing with it. Peace flooded my self---no other way to explain it.

It was over. Armed with my tissue in his hands, my new doctor friend went straight to the pathologist on the other side of the wall to look for cancer. 10 minutes, he said, and I'll be back with the news. It became the longest thirty minutes of my life as I cried out to my good God. I begged for them to let my husband come back and they did. He cried when I told him what I had just been through. I tried to prepare for the worse.

Dr. Dryden burst through the door and I searched his face for an answer. “We’ve got it. It’s benign.” Could you say that one more time? I burst out sobbing.

I’m still sobbing, but this time it’s because of my visit with the next oncologist to go over my case. Even though the cancer in one lymph node is microscopic (that’s the controversy), this ancient doctor firmly believes I need chemotherapy and radiation of the worst kind. It’s a systemic disease and it has metastasized into my lymph node. That means it is in your bloodstream. The chemo that will soon make me sick and drain my white blood cells of life will save my life. The radiation that will destroy my cells will kill the good and the bad cells. It’s toxic. It’s necessary. I’ll lose my hair. I’ll lose some of my good health. I’ll lose my energy. But I will never lose the love of my beautiful God. He’ll be with me every step of my lonely dreaded way. And No One will snatch me out of my hand. John 10:29. I’ll fall forward. I’ll advance His Kingdom not my own.

And I won’t lose the friends that matter to me. I think you’ll stick with me. I met Annette and Kathy in Houston and they both so brought God to me after a very tough biopsy. I’ve lost some things through my life but losing my friends has been harder than most anything I’ve faced. I hope I can do something for you during these next 12 months or so while I undergo chemo and radiation. Maybe you’ll talk with me by phone or text or blog. I’m actually out of cell phone minutes already for this month. Last month our bill was $1,200 and I was flabbergasted---can’t do that anymore. I’m just grateful we don’t have to live in a box on the street. The medical bills stream in every day of our lives now. They say this will topple $1 million plus. And God keeps on providing in ways I never imagined every day.

So, I’ll lift my sobbing head to the Maker of this mountain that I cannot climb. I love that Bebo Norman song. He’ll pull me up. It’s not what I had hoped for. My other friends have clear margins and their lymph nodes are cancer-free. But that’s not the way it happened for me. And my Jesus says: “What’s that to you. You follow Me.” John 21:22. I’m incredibly sad. And, yes, I know there are people and some of you that have been through far worse. But don’t minimize my pain. I’m hurting. I’m scared to put toxicity in my healthy body. I’m so disappointed. But this one thing I know and am convinced of and rest assured---my Jesus loves me so. So, I’ll trust Him in this as I wrestle with Him and embrace my loss of being sick during my son’s special senior year. I’ll fall forward and long to advance His Kingdom, not my own. Somehow, I will welcome this trial as my new friend. Again and again, I’ll wrestle through this. I’ll embrace my loss somehow. I’ll find my beautiful God even when I won’t feel beautiful. And for those of you who will stay with me, I’ll deeply appreciate your love. 365.

I'll be back in Austin on Wednesday for appointments with my surgeon getting ready for my upcoming surgery June 9th. And I'll meet with my medical oncologist to decide the final protocol---chemo and then radiation. And one more appt. with a new dermatologist to see if I have skin cancer for two spots that have changed in all of this.
My Love & Gratitude, Bev

Personal Pain is My Friend

2009-05-30T14:27:00.004-06:00

The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???

The test results were supposed to come back today. They arrived a day early. I was proctoring an exam and I had just walked out of a meeting where I had hurt someone with my words---someone I care about. I was trying to wrestle through it. That's when the phone call arrived. All I could think was: "Get to the number" as the surgical oncologist's nurse explained the results. I needed to score an 11 or below on the Oncotype DX test assay. When she said the number, I BURST into sobbing. So surprised myself. I guess I have a whale of emotions within me over having cancer. The number was "11." I don't think there are any words to describe how I felt that moment that God had listened, as always, but answered and engineered those results for me.

I have felt like the man in Luke 11:5-13 knocking on his friend's door for 3 loaves of bread at midnight, the darkest hour. I've been knocking on His Door for ten days now. And I have asked anyone who would stop long enough and listen to me to join me in begging persistently like this friend knocking down a friend's door for bread. Ever begging but never demanding. It is entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of an Almighty God, said Francis Schaeffer when he had cancer.

It has been two weeks since surgery---some things are not healing right. My margins came back and were not clear and I have cancer in my lymph nodes---that news was so shaking to me last week. So, this news was the first pound of good news in a while. This was sweet. A low score! And tears flooded my face uncontrollably. Three hours later...

At 4:00pm, I walked out of Hyde Park ending my substitute teaching job this year at a brand new school that has embraced me and my son like family. Honestly, I feel like we've been there for all of our lives ---just like we had felt for 21 consecutive years at Lake Country in Fort Worth. It has been such a great move that God orchestrated to get us here.

My cell doesn't work inside the school building, and several voice mails popped up immediately. One got my full attention. Please call your medical oncologist right away. Somehow, I got through to her nurse at 5:15pm on Friday. "Your results on the Oncotype came back low ----BUT, the low score didn't matter to this medical oncologist. Your oncologist will talk with you about having chemo. So, I'm back to the chemo mode again.

My beautiful God is not playing a game of cat-and-mouse with me. He has not sent cancer to teach me some lessons. Doesn't work that way even though we sometimes reduce the mystery to lessons learned. Sure, we'll learn a lot but God longs for relationship with me and it's not about getting the lesson down so it won't happen again. Sometimes, people pray for me that I learn all that God is saying so I can be done with it. I hope we all learn much from what He brings our way or allows. But, it's not so it will all work out like I hope. Not so. That is not what I believe God is up to in this world. I can't manage my life. HE is my Manager. I can't reduce the mystery of a beautiful uncreated God to what I can understand and manage. I live for Him and Him alone. Our obedience to Him and His word is not a fixed guarantee that everything will work out like I want in this life. God seems to define joy differently than we do in this world.

Tomorrow I am going to MD Anderson for a second opinion in all of this. The surgical pathology report has come back wrong twice according to my oncologists. So I had the cancerous tumor sent to MDA. Please pray for God's peace and wisdom. There are several appointments set up at MDA Hospital for all day Monday and Tuesday. Then I have 3 oncologist appts. here on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll probably stay with Annette in Houston. She will be out-of-town on Monday. I will be at MDA by myself on Monday. If any of you Houston siestas can drop by the hospital for a moment, text me. I believe Annette will be there with me for some part of Tuesday.

We've been going through a bible study with some friends. It has meant much to me during these moments. The author was talking about how we can discern if we are living self-obsessed in our conversations and actions---how is this affecting ME? OR, are we truly livng a life of God-obsession. We all so desire that! He said there are three marks of God-obsession in our lives.

1. Personal pain is seen as our friend. God uses pain to wean us from self-obsession and to move us to God-obsession. Sounds like James 1 - count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Throw a party. So do I see my pain this day as my friend or my enemy?

2. Life going well is not my source of joy. Life going well is dangerous at times. Blessings can be enjoyed, celebrated and shared but never required as our source of joy. HE and HE alone is our joy.

3. What I feel like, felt desire, is my guide---No, Only desire for God’s glory, informed by Scripture, is a sure guide.

Well, I am going to keep on knocking on His Door in my dark nights over here. Hosea 2:14---HE is speaking tenderly to me. He has allured me into this wilderness. But the best part of it all is that HE has given me a door of hope and I'm walking through, no matter what. So am I SAFE? You bet I am! My Holy Spirit, the Holy Umpire, rules my heart and my peace comes from Him. Where I'm not living that out, HE will over-rule all over me. Col. 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule (umpire) your heart."

And would you please go knock on His Door and ask Him once again that I do not have to have chemo?

Remember the quote in The Chronicles of Narnia? He's a good God, but He's not safe. He is my good God no matter which way this turns. So, am I safe? This I know, I am carried by a God Who loves me so. My Love to All

Carried on a Mat by You

2009-05-23T08:28:00.002-06:00

As I awaited my surgical pathology report, John 14:16 jumped out at me. Can't get it off my mind. Jesus already asked the Father to give me "another Helper." I have that Helper, that Advocate, that Counselor. Means the world to me where I am this moment. You see, when you go through cancer, you are your own advocate---there is not one doctor who is looking over my care. You manage your own care. My specialists don't really communicate with each other. So I have this gigantic pink file that I carry with me everywhere I go containing every pathology report, every scan, every doctor's report. Some want to see them; some don't.

My doctor visits on Wednesday were not encouraging to me but I am not looking for good news to be my encouragement---the God of all Hope is my encouragement. Phil 2:1. And sometimes things are not going to fall like the way I want it to fall. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday didn't fall right to an onlooker's stare. But my God was right there in all of the news and He has just picked me up and carried me through this---just like I am on that "mat" being lowered down through the ceiling by some of you holding me tight. He is here! And He is a good God, no matter what!

So, here's the prognosis:
The hospital's surgical pathology report was wrong. They inaccurately measured the cancer in my lymph node as 3.4cm, an aggregate measure. You are supposed to measure individual focii. The surgeon corrected them and they did it again and it's wrong again according to the medical oncologist. Both of my doctors did not ask for a third opinion. So, I went to M.D. Anderson for a third opinion and am waiting for the surgical pathology reports as MDA has the cancerous tumor tissues and will get back with me.
My surgeon didn't get all of the cancer --- she missed it by .20mm --- that's microscopic. Couldn't even see it. She cannot do surgery for 3 more weeks. That means the PEM scan will be two months old and they will not do another one---the guide where to cut out microscopic cancer. We trust a God Unseen in all of this. Surgery is scheduled for June 9th.
The medical oncologist believes that since the cancer in my lymph nodes is under 2.0cm---it is 1.2cm, that she can wait for the oncotype DX test assay to come back June 3rd. If I score low----11 or under on a scale of 1 to 100, then there will be no chemo according to the med oncologist. The surgeon thinks that the cancer cells should measure less than .20cm or you need chemo. But the final say is with the med oncologist. So much is so unexact. And there WAS cancer in my lymph node and you can't minimize that, even if it was 1.2cm.

So, we are waiting for the June 3rd Oncotype DX assay to come back LOW. Please pray that God intervenes and it's a low score. He wants us to ask and leave the results in His lap.
And I'm waiting for June 9th for yet another surgery.
But more than all that, I am pursuing every avenue God opens up to deal with my present moments. Eph 6:12 says there are "powers over this present darkness" and my sweet Jesus has prayed for me for these moments in my life as I read John 17---Jesus Himself prayed for our protection from the Evil One. I am so alive in HIM and so stirred in my soul to find HIM. He must increase and I must decrease.

No way I can do any of this cancer journey on my own nor without your help, your prayers. And, the most encouraging thing to me is that I have Another Helper, Another Counselor. I have so much hope! And each of you gives me courage by your comments, your e-mails, your texts. I wish I could respond to each of you but I cannot. This week alone, I received 1,000 hits on my blog and I haven't even read anything on my Facebook yet but I know there's a lot. Again, God stirs up my faith and gives me courage from your comments. Thank you from the bottom of my hurting heart. I am being carried on a mat by you!

Holding on to my husband's feet. Clutching for my good God's Hand

2009-05-19T21:56:00.006-06:00

I don't know how I missed the doctor's phone call. The cell has been on my lap all day. But I missed it. Four hours later, I listened to my voice mails. My surgeon left a message that said that the pathology report was back.... and it wasn't good news. There was cancer in the lymph nodes. She also said that there were not clear margins---more cancer needs to be removed. More surgery. It was definitely not what the doctor expected to find with the pathology of my biopsy. It's rare with what I had that they expected to find any more cancer.

Isaiah 63:9 came right away...in all my distress, He was distressed and the angel of His Presence is here. In His Love, HE is redeeming me, lifting me up, and carrying me all the days of my life. HE has carried me to this day. He will carry me through yet another surgery. It's the last thing I want. I woke up while I was in the operating room and holding room and it was such a sinking slipping feeling. But, my God so brought me through it. And I'm doing well. I will trust Him even in this nightmare.

"I pleaded with the LORD this should leave me but HE said to me: My Grace is Sufficient for you." I will find what that really means in all of this. Chemo is the last thing I wanted. He is my good God in the midst of this horror. I will praise Him at all times. His praise will be on my mouth. He knows. He understands. He is here. Psalm 62: My soul, find REST in God alone, not in good news or bad news. HE is my Fortress and I will not be shaken. But I am. Trust in HIM at all times, even this moment. Pour out your heart to HIM. I am.

Where do I buy bread tonight? There is a boy who has 5 loaves and 2 fish. John 6:5-9. God can take what little I have this night and make something of it. For Him.

I will wrestle with this and find Him. I appreciate so much your praying for wisdom as I meet with my doctors tomorrow. I may be too honest for some of you. I'll face my fears and won't stay there. But I am in this present moment where I am on the floor holding on to my husband's feet sobbing and praying to hear the beautiful God I so adore and love. I've thought a lot this day about Mary washing His Feet with her tears. But, my tears are all over HIM this night in my sadness. I do love Him so.

I meet with my surgeon at 9:30am and my medical oncologist at 12:30pm. He is My Glory and the Lifter of My Head. Psalm 3:3.

150cc of The Holy Spirit

2009-05-18T10:35:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting on my front porch in the midst of my impatiens, begonias, kolanchoes, and tropical hibiscus eating Ezekiel bread dipped in kidney beans (hmmm). I'm alive and well. Surgery could not have gone any better.

Flashback to Thursday:
The IV drip stingingly soared in scary seconds through the veins in my hand and I thought of Psalm 16:8---"The Lord is at my right hand and I will not be shaken." I felt a rush of panic. Be still, o my soul. My pastor and husband were praying for me. And I wrestled with what it meant to "be still" Psalm 46:10 in the moment I had dreaded. Of course, it's way more than being physically still. It's quieting my soul to know that a good God is in charge of me. I refuse to doubt His goodness no matter what happens---and I'll continue wrestling with that one. A wave of peace hit me head to toe and I asked for the name of the meds they were pumping in the IV. Can it be put in a capsule? The nurse responded: "Nothing is being administered to you." The pastor responded: "You just got 150cc of the Holy Spirit." God did so many things for me during the surgery and recovery that I can't even relate it all. My Ever-Present Help in trouble Psalm 46:1, even in my trip to the emergency room in the wee hours of Sunday morning in severe pain---even when our earth gives way. Still experiencing some significant side effects, so please pray for that to resolve.

If I could tell you one verse that God did for me through my cancer surgery and recovery, it was 2Chron 20:30 - I will give you REST on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. There were a couple of things that happened that unnerved me during surgery, but I really saw Jer. 17:7 that God was "My Confidence" when things didn't go just right. And all I have to say is that HE did Isa 63:9 - He lifted me up and He carried me through a tough surgery for me. And I so want to trust Him to do it again and again, as we await the results of the pathology reports which will determine the protocol of radiation and/or chemo.

So this is what I am waiting on:
1. Psalm 27: 13-14 - the Goodness of my near God.
2. Pathology Results on both cancerous tumor and invasive mass (should arrive anytime Tuesday or Wednesday). At that point, my medical oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon will together decide their "next step" and present it to me. You make your own decisions---that so surprised me.
3. Oncotype DX Breast Cancer Assay - Results will come in 10 days or so...it's a lab test that analyzes the expression level of 21 genes in both tumors they removed. I believe it is the only gene expression test in the country that predicts a patient’s likelihood to benefit from chemo as well as predict a recurrence rate. So now, I'm learning about genomics: how my own network of genes has influenced the tumor's biology and behavior. The human genome.
4. BRCA1 and BRCA2 Genetic Testing results: Should take six weeks. Genetic testing that looks for mutations in my chromosomes and is a predictor of the benefits of chemo therapy.
5. Back to #1---Still waiting on God.

Not waiting on any test results. Not waiting on any man. We all are waiting on our beautiful God to show up in our next moments. And you know what----He's here. Always knocking on the door of our hearts waiting for us to say, Come on in, My Beautiful Friend, my God. He's just waiting to hear us say that! I hope I don't miss the knock on my door today!

I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and thoughts and words to our family. You have been like His Voice to me. My children's teachers. Bloggers I've never met. High school kids who really love. Faithful friends from days long gone by. Loyal friends who are carrying me through this. We don't even know how to navigate your streets, dear Austin, TEXAS, but your people have embraced us like we've walked this worn path together forever. And I believe it's cause of the One who walks in your midst. Deut 23:14.

Surgery is Tomorrow.............God Promised Me He Will Be There - Psalm 16:8

2009-05-13T04:52:00.008-06:00

Just went for my last jog before surgery. Listened to "Healer" by Hillsong. I believe that He's my Healer, yes I do. Surgery is scheduled for 7am tomorrow, Thursday morning. It is a two-hour surgery and they will usher me out of the hospital late afternoon, as soon as I can get up. Should be home for dinner. The procedure is a lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection.

The past 24 hours have been the roughest yet. The radiation oncologist yesterday was way more than decent and so delightful but too graphic. He whisked out the devices he hopes to insert inside of me for one week of radiation (a cutting edge surgical procedure that circumvents seven weeks of daily radiation) and I nearly fainted. No way I can know the protocol until the pathology comes back anyway. A wave of depression came over me that I couldn't shake as I felt I really couldn't handle something steel and so big inside of me. Truth is---maybe I can't. But this I know...my God can give me His Strength.

I called my friend Mindy in California--- sobbing--- and she prayed for me and it lifted a day of depression. And where I have come to camp while I sat yesterday for four hours alone at the hospital was in the story of Jehoshaphat. In 2Chron 20, he was up against all odds. God said: Do not be afraid. I have had four people tell me that God put those words in the Bible 365 times. He knows we are afraid. The battle is not yours, but God's. I don't have to fight cancer. My body will fight the cancer. My God will fight for me. Stand firm. The LORD will be with me as I check into the hospital in 24 hours at 5:30am on Thursday.

2Chron 20:20 says: have faith in the LORD and you will be upheld. I feel like HE has held me tight through this five-week journey. Many of you have been through far worse. But what I face is real and God is giving peace in the midst. In the last verse of chapter 20, God writes that HE gave Jehoshaphat "rest on every side." As I turned on my computer just now, I allowed myself to read one e-mail. It was from Gary---the story of Jehoshaphat. 2 Chron 20---the battle is not yours, but God's. It's been like that this whole five weeks. Everywhere I turn, the hand of God toward me. Over 3,000 verses and it seems HE keeps speaking the same ones from different mouths.

You have been so kind and gracious and encouraging to me. Your words mean more to me than you will ever know. I would so love for you to pray for me as I face this surgery:
1. 2 Chron 20:30 - That my beautiful God will give me rest on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally. May I enter a rest I know not.
2. Psalm 46:1 - That HE will be my ever-present help in my troubles. His Arm is not too short for me. Isaiah 59:1.
3. Isaiah 40:4 - That HE would raise up my every mountain and make low my every hill that I might know Him better in all of this and may HE be glorified.

God has carried me through siestas prayers--- your words, your care, your stories have made me feel like my beautiful God is moving in me and in you. So grateful for a brand new church this year that has embraced us and made us feel like we've been here forever. Overwhelmed with the love of the pastor and elders who have prayed over me and given us so much. How God loves His church. My church has been God's hand to me and I thank you so deeply. Hyde Park Baptist School has so brought God to me too! Even brand new friends named Sarah and Bev have so brought the face of God to me. You all have been so generous with your words and gifts and compassion. God sees what you have done for our family.

And I am so grateful to those of you who have been used by God to build the foundation of our lives. We were at Hope Church for 27 years and hold very dear memories of friendship. Galatians 4:19. God used the church to "form Christ in us." We love you all so. And for our dear friends of 21 years at Lake Country Christian School, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and loyalty. And for Card Club---you filled my life with His Beauty. Just so wanted to express my heart of gratitude to all of you who have brought God to me and my family! I prayed for each of these groups this morning. May the kindness of our God continue to lead us all to repentance for He is so worthy. Romans 2:4 Pressing on with you to what HE has called us to. To take hold of that which HE has taken hold of each of us---I want to know Christ just like you do and His Power and the fellowship of His sufferings. Phil 3:10-14. Sounds so spiritual but I'm at the lowest reaching up and looking to touch a hem.

Deeply appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I face the unknown with the One who knows. I'm scared but confident in my God. Jer. 17:7. No worries in a year of drought. Not confident in myself. Just a Mighty God Who loves me so. I'll be smoothing out those hospital bedsheets, welcoming HIM to sit awhile and watch over me. Would you watch and pray too? I need you so. Your moving into my life means so much to me! Holly and Annette---would you keep them updated if I can't.
My Love and Gratitude to each of you, Bev

The Secret Door

2009-05-10T16:11:00.004-06:00

I found a secret door this morning and it unlocked for me so many memories of how my beautiful God has set me free from fear. I am alive in ways I have never been before.

I found it! The secret door in front of me reminded me of a book I treasure: A secret door in the back of a wardrobe unlocks while the children are playing in it--- surreptitiously the kids move into a surreal stay frozen in fear that it is "Always Winter and Never Christmas." C.S. Lewis' Narnia novel about this place frozen solid in winter intrigues me so. My secret door is at the apartment complex where we live. One of my neighbors told me that the opening is at the end of the brick wall on the back parking lot. I found the secret passageway this morning. By myself.

I passed through my Narnia secret door around 7:00 am jogging into the Sunday stillness of a hovering morning sky with a manicured tree-lined fruit-filled avenue about three blocks long...and on my Ipod popped up a song about being still before God---I don't know what song it was---I just know I jogged with God down that road. Be still, oh my soul, and know that HE is God this day and Thursday (the day the surgeon removes both of the cancers that rage in my body) and every day that follows. HE holds my every moment.

And my God so spoke to me through Psalm 46:10. I don't have to fight anything. My God is fighting for me. It's HIS battle not mine. Right Julie? Julie knows 2 Chron 20:15 as she watched liver cancer take over her toddler who is now a teen. 2 Chron 20:15 is the verse Julie sent me in a text that has meant much to me in this battle. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were surrounded by fear---a vast army coming against them.

2 Chron 20: 2 J. and the people sought help from God not from their own resources, not their own strength, not even the power of their own words.
2 Chron 20:12 We have no power, we don't know what to do but our eyes are on God.
2 Chron 20:15 Don't be afraid for the battle is not yours, but God's.
2 Chron 20:17 Stand firm and the LORD will be with you.

Friday afternoon at 3:00pm I hit an all-time low since I've learned I had cancer. The fainting spells in the middle of the night while recumbent have just petrified me. I've been doing so well trusting a good God in the midst of horror sometimes. But, on Friday, I was frozen in fear for about two hours. Sobbing on the floor of my bathroom crying out to my God. The cardiologist this week said it was seizures and sent me on to a neurologist. I know some of you are thinking you have been through far worse and I'm sure you have. All I know is that as I cried out to my God on Friday, HE lifted that veil that clouded my mind and shifted me to a peace I knew not about 5:00pm. A strange peace settled on me as we drove to one more doctor's appointment.

I went in at 5:30pm Friday to a nutrition oncologist appointment thinking I would be handed a grocery list of items to buy and impact my bland unpopular diet even further. But what happened was this...I met with a doctor who had prayed Jer 33:3 for me before I went in. And God so showed up in that doctor's visit. The information I received from this doctor surpassed anything I've heard yet from any doctor. Really. No one has a corner on the market on truth except God. But, this doctor gave me hope for the vaso-vagal syncopal episodes that I have explaining what he believed was happening and I think he is right. He took me seriously. He didn't put in my hand a prescription to see a psychiatrist like one of my oncologists did just because of my histrionic background. I don't presume to know all that is going on, but it was one of those God moments for me---he even gave me one change in my diet that helped me immediately----last night I slept for seven hours with no sleeping meds. First time since April 7th when I learned that I had cancer. I even took a nap this Mother's Day and it was so sweet.

I didn't expect to find God at the nutrition oncologist's office but HE was there. And, actually, I found Him in the car on the way there as we were stuck in Austin five o'clock traffic. The nutritionist asked me to come back again tomorrow for another appointment. He has a six-month waiting list but a friend got me in. I now know why. Unbelievable is all I can say!

I'll also be doing my pre-op tomorrow, as well, at the hospital, and meeting with my anesthesiologist. And I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and that's a very important one. Yes, I'm scared but the battle is HIS. And HE is so carrying me through this. Deeply appreciate your prayers for these 3 doctor appointments tomorrow.

My Prayer Request:
2 Chron 20:15 - that I would not choose to live in fear. My nutrition doctor told me to pray that my tried-and-true white blood cells would find and fight to take over the young cancer cells. And I pray that I will learn better how to step aside moment by moment and let my God fight my battles.

So whatever you face on this Mother's Day, may you know deep in your heart, that your God is right there with you saying: "Come closer." You have been loved for a very long time---Genesis 1:1 is where it all started. You were in His mind, His heart. As many of you love on your moms and your children this day, may you know how loved you really are! He loves you so! Happy Mother's Day!

I Will Rise

2009-05-05T21:33:00.003-06:00

I will rise! Oh yes, I will. One day and this day. Rise to praise His Name. Rise to bring Him pleasure. Rise to love, live, and linger. A package came this weekend from a blogger who has invaded my heart and life. She's the one who drove here a couple of weeks ago to bring me quiche and take me to the Sunset Capital of Texas, The Oasis. If I could bring up a picture, I would, but you'll have to go to Annette's blog to find the Austin sunset. I'm helpless tonight to add a pic. Inside the package was like Christmas. Remember the quote from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe??
Always Winter, Never Christmas."
But when Aslan comes....all wrongs made right. Aslan is on the move.
And HE is on the move in my life. No longer winter.
I had prayed for the song "I Will Rise" (kind of an odd request---to pray for one song), and I thought maybe I would get a CD or find the CD----didn't even know who sang the song. I can't download from ITunes cause we are blocked for whatever reason. There it was in the box from the blogger on a brand new Ipod. "I WILL RISE." She had downloaded some songs for me and that song was staring me in the face. I literally fell to my face and shouted to my LORD I was so thrilled. And I was out the door to Town Lake. I ran the 3-mile loop around Lady Bird Lake without stopping listening to songs I had never heard before like Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes." First time ever in my life I jogged 3 miles! I've been walking 2 hours every day and doing a one-mile jog on the treadmill every single day since the day we learned that I have cancer, April 7th. It finally kicked in and today's my 5th day of jogging 3 miles----if you knew me, you'd be giving me a standing "O." Exercise has not been my forte. I may be in an athletic family but I hold the signs when they do the marathons and triathlons.

But, way more than that my beautiful God is so on the move in my life through this cancer journey. HE is so near---His beloved needs HIM so! He hears me.
The Healer of my soul!
"I Will Lift My Eyes to the Maker of the Mountains I Can't Climb."
"I Will Lift My Eyes to my Healer of the hurts I hold inside."
(That's Bebo Norman!)
Yes, God holds my right hand. And it's not about how hard I hold on to Him. He's got me tight and HE will never ever let me go." No one can snatch me out of His Hand.

Some days, the news is good. Some days, it's not what I wanted to hear. The PEM scan pathology report showed that the tumors have high metabolic activity---not good, and I have to wait until May 14th for surgery. But His Peace pervades. Never wanted to wait six weeks for surgery. But, I trust in God, not in man and man's decisions.

Went to the cardiologist today as I am still having difficulty with fainting in the middle of the night. EKG was perfect. No problem there---cleared for surgery. The doctor's diagnosis: seizures---and so I'm being sent to a neurologist. I can't sleep longer than four hours each night. My insurance company (and I won't say their name) will not approve the medicine that my doctors have prescribed to help me. I didn't know insurance companies could do that. They've never examined me or even seen me. Every day since April 20th, I call this no-name insurance company and ask them to please remove the denial. I even ask them for forgiveness when I get angry with them. Had to go back to my CVS pharmacist and apologize to her when I first heard that they wouldn't approve the common medication I needed. Angry words spilled out of my mouth that I regretted saying to her. I gave her a piece of my mind. She quickly forgave me. Most of her customers aren't asking forgiveness. And it's all because it is the kindness of my beautiful God that continues to lead me to repentance. Romans 2:4.

I so want to deal with the stuff in my heart and find better places. I so want to praise HIM this night and not ask for a thing. I want to draw near to HIM more than I want to be healed, more than I want stuff to work out for me. So, I'll linger in this moment knowing that only God could be taking away my fears. I will fear no evil for HE is with me. Moment by moment. That's all I can live by. HE meets me in my weakness. It's not about how strong I am. One thing HE said but I heard TWO THINGS:
He is Strong.
He is Loving. Psalm 62: 11,12
He loves you so!

Cannot thank you enough for your comments, e-mail's, texts, and calls. I cannot respond to all of them since I am working full-time teaching through May 13th and nights are filled with kids and ministry and two-hours of exercise and life. Your words to me are signposts and sweet fragrances of the ONE we all love. 2Cor 2:14. Thank you from the bottom of my healthy heart!

Hurry to Remember He's Faithful - Joshua 4:10

2009-04-29T21:36:00.004-06:00

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and before I could blink, tears spilled out of my eyes. My waking thought: "I am a lousy Christian. I am fainting in the middle of the night and can't stop the fainting." Where did that thought come from? Not God.

I am going to put my prayer requests right here cause this post is way too long. I can type as fast as I think, sort of. I'll try to make them shorter in the future (lol---that may never happen.)

Prayer Requests:
1. Pray Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous in the midst of fainting and upcoming surgery May 14th. Don't be terrified for the LORD will be with you.
2. Pray Numbers 13:33. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes. Pray I will be kind to myself, not beating myself up over what I have done or not done, said or not said.

I Sam 30:15 says David encouraged himself in the LORD. Being that there was no one awake to encourage me at 4:45am, I prayed and listened and wept. And my precious LORD said to me: Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Yes I do!!!! And, all I want right now is to know Him better.

He didn't send cancer to teach me a lesson. I may learn a whole lot better how to love. But He just wants me. And He loves me so....whether I am unconscious or awake. It's not up to me how tight I am holding His Hand. HE is holding me so tight as He carries me through this. HE is holding me together - Col 1:17....and I can't be any more grateful to HIM and to each of you for bringing my God to me! Thank you so much for all your comments and texts and calls. EXCEPT, my cell phone has been broken all week. So I bought a new one but it doesn't work. Then I lost my computer yesterday! And we are down to one car----two cars broke....hmmm. No phone, no computer, no car----sounds like the 1800's.

Had 3 doctor appointments today. My surgeon dispersed the multitude of PEM images and mapped out my surgery and it is scheduled for Thursday May 14th. Lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection. Stage 1. Saw the Radiation Oncologist and he is hopeful they can get clear margins and no lymph node involvement. Radiation for 7 weeks or possibly I could be a candidate for MammoSite. All depends on pathology of tumor---I have two cancers in same quadrant. I did have a 30-second outburst of tears cause I wanted surgery SOONER. But, I'll trust His timing and wait. Radiation oncologist talked about putting gold seeds inside a balloon inside of me (MammoSite) to which Britt replies: "Gold! We can sell Mom on eBay." Oh the precious boy has entertaining wit! You just have to keep a sense of humor in the midst of going to three very serious doctors in one day---they are all my new bff's. My non-bff insurance company (I won't mention their name) has refused for 14 days to fill the control-released prescription the doctor ordered to help me sleep through the night. I've never taken anything before to help me sleep but I'm desperate. I can only sleep about 4 hours. It will cost the insurance group more if they continue to dig in their feet cause I have been instructed to go to the hospital the next time I faint. I have to see a cardiologist to get clearance for surgery. Also visited with the geneticist. My dad died of colon cancer on the morning that my mother went in for a mastectomy for breast cancer. I crawled in the bed with him and held him tight as he passed knowing his wife of 50 plus years would never hold him again.

God is so carrying me through this. All I can do is live for today----sufficient for today is the little troubles we have this day like lost computers and broken cell phones and much bigger issues of life. If I start thinking about tomorrow, God pulls me back to this moment. I need to take care of myself right now----less stress. So I'm off to bed. I'll read a little more of His Word. Read this morning about God parting the Jordan River for the people and in Joshua 4:10 how the people HURRIED to go back into that parted river and pick up some rocks to remember the faithfulness of their beautiful God. And so I'll pile high my rocks of remembrance of His faithfulness from days gone by to this very experience of cancer. I can't make it through this without HIM. Just can't do it. So, I'll enjoy this moment, this day as I encounter those who were in His mind before the beginning of the world. And I hope I treat them with dignity and grace even in our little controversies. All my new bff's that I'll be spending the next several months with battling cancer.

Still working fulltime. And remember, I have no phone and no computer and no car (it's in the shop). So if I don't respond, if I don't show up---you know why. And I will try to be a little kinder to myself and stop calling "me" names like lousy. I may be a mess at times but I am a glorious mess. Pray that I deal with my own heart like Caleb and Joshua did and let others have their own opinions and give them space. Deeply appreciate your prayers.

Bless you my friends. I'm scared facing surgery and the nighttime fainting is scary too. But HE knows. Yes, HE knows all of our suffering. Job 36:15 ---and HE is speaking to all of us in all our affliction.

A Raging River

2009-04-26T21:38:00.003-06:00

Simply overwhelmed in Austin, Texas with beautiful texts, e-mails, and cards. My beautiful God is carrying me through the comfort you offer me----and it's cause you've been comforted by HIM. 2 Cor 1:4. It means so much. I wish I could respond individually but with working fulltime and multiple doctor visits, it's not possible. But know this, I read every word and thank God for each of you and all your kindnesses.

Lake Country sent the most beautiful arrangement of flowers and I wept. Kristen W's comments touch such deep places in my heart. Sue S. sent the most gripping letter! When I arrived home tonight from being out of town there was the most creative edible adorable fruit arrangement from my precious friend Deborah & Ken in FW. There's a blogger who has mailed me the sweetest cutest cards ever and I don't even know her. Annette dropped by from Houston to bring the best quiche and a casserole of courage that made me literally fall to the ground and sob. Shauna sent a mug of memories of how God healed us together. Janie and Staci came and cleaned my apartment while I was being radiated. A friend called tonight to help us try to get our car fixed. Cindy F. took me to her house with a dinner waiting for me. I'm being swept away...and it's your words that are sweeping me off my feet as I am so madly in love with the ONE Whom we all adore and live for. I deeply appreciate if you comment here----it really means a lot to me! Even if it's just a word or two. We are so new to Austin. In Fort Worth, we would know what doctors to go to and it would be a safe haven. But, I have to say, we know with all our heart God has called us to Southwest Hills Community Church and it's the best place we could be and one of the best things that has happened to us. Our church has so embraced us and we couldn't be more grateful for that!

I really am desperate for your prayers this Sunday evening:
1) Phil 4:11 - Contentment. "I've learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in." I want to praise my beautiful God whether in plenty or in want. Whether it's good news or bad. Whether it's working for me or not.
2) Joshua 4:10 - Fear God. The Hand of our God is powerful and I must fear HIM and not fear for my health, fear for my life. Oh my soul---HURRY to remember all what my God has done for me!

It happened again on Friday night at 1:45a.m. I fainted in my sleep and then went into a panic attack or seizure. It happens like this....I am awakened and immediately feel a sinking terrifying feeling like my blood pressure has dropped considerably. It is horrifying and I faint right there in the bed. If I try to get up, I faint again. But I pray and my body settles down and I fall back asleep. It's actually the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced. It has happened to me 4 times since I have been diagnosed with cancer---only in the middle of the night. Please pray for me as I am seeing several doctors for the episodes and I believe it has to do with low blood pressure and stress. It's never happened in the daytime. Nine doctors so far haven't been able to help so I'm looking for a neurologist and a heart doctor.

The fainting episode happened Friday night while I was on a retreat with Austin Christian Fellowship. 18 women in my cabin offered me their love and compassion. Kind of hard fainting on your new friends. My new BFF Brooke graciously scooped me up to attend the most amazing weekend retreat. Let me end this post with telling you one special moment for me that happened there. On the way down there, God said to me: "I am the River." We had just passed LBJ lake and I didn't think too much about it again until Kay Morrison told about a dream that one of her staffers had that went something like this: He fell into a raging river---tumultuous torrents swept him helplessly downstream til he found a ladder much like a pool ladder that he viciously grabbed for dear life and climbed to safety---a dry land. He asked the LORD the next morning what HE was saying to Him. God said: I am the River. Kay asked us to take a walk with the LORD for 20 minutes and listen to what HE had to say. I walked down one of the Camp Buckner trails to a dried up creekbed and stood on the rocks where the water used to rush. I thought: it feels pretty safe on a dry river but it's not safe in the raging river I've been thrown in. And my beautiful God said to me: "I am your River." And HE will hold my hand and never let go in the river that rages around me. Fainting episodes. Bad news. Whatever life holds. He is a good God in that raging river. And NO ONE can snatch me out of His Hand---John 10:28--- whether the River rages or rises or recedes. If God is for us, who is against us? Rom 8:31. Height nor depth---nothing can separate us from His Love. Rom. 8:39.

I work fulltime this week but on Wednesday I have three doctor appointments. If any of you Austinites can take me to a 10:00am and/or 1:00pm and/or 3pm appointment, TEXT me and let me know. I'm without a car right now. You would need to pick me up, wait in the office, and drive me back home. We have been down to one car. On the day that I was diagnosed with cancer, our car broke down (so we have one car for 3 drivers) and I was also let go from my editorial part-time job due to the economy. I don't want to let my circumstances determine my enjoyment of my God and the life He gives each day. One thing that is changing for me is that I am living one day at a time, even one moment at a time.

So grateful to each of you for your prayers----you just have no idea!!! And to my husband and children---their prayers and support will carry me through this. I announced the big announcement on FACEBOOK that Barrett proposed to the love of his life, his sweet Lauren. And we are so excited to have a future daughter-in-law that is truly one of the sweetest girls you can ever know. I just hope I have hair for the wedding!

A Raging River. I am the River. I hold your Right Hand and you will not be shaken. He's a good God, but He's not safe---remember that quote from C. S. Lewis??

My love to each of you.

HE is at my right hand------------------------------------the one with the IV in it!

2009-04-22T04:55:00.006-06:00

Carried on a Cloud...that's how I felt walking into the PEM Scan on Friday. Handed the doctor my left arm and they said: "Oh no, it must be in your right." And God spoke to me through the verses I had just read in my Quiet Time that morning...Psalm 16: 7,8 HE will counsel me. Even at night (when I have no control) my heart instructs me. Because HE is at my right Hand, I will not be shaken. And I can honestly say that the Presence of the beautiful God I so serve and love overwhelmed me in that scary I-V moment handing over my right arm. HE was there. I made it through 40 minutes in a mammogram machine without moving and that's a miracle in itself....I cranked up the IPOD real loud to drown out the noise and just randomly scanned through my playlist and up popped Beth Moore talking about how God says 365 times DO NOT BE AFRAID and she said there's a reason why He said it so many time. (hey, that's one for every day of the year!) Beth talked about how HE KNOWS the scary things we face. He spoke such peace to my claustrophobic soul in that mammogram machine, frozen for forty minutes. Then I listened to a Dan Allender sermon about embracing damage and harm in a fallen world and embracing our good God Who is inviting me to rest in His Love and Comfort. Then I rocked out on Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. The radiologist told me that as she put on her glove, she asked God's hand to be in her hand. And she gave me a good word---God wants you to know that HE used mud to heal the blind man----God used human agents so trust HIM through them. Whew! The PEM Scan was over but I had made one more choice to move to my beautiful God and not be in control of my own life. This "control issue" is big for me. And as I moved toward HIM, I so sensed His Presence right there at my right hand. The RESULTS of the PEM Scan came back this Monday. The tumor is 1.3cm but the larger mass that has metastasized is 1.2 X 1.3 X 1.2---little larger than I expected. Surgery was supposed to be May 3rd but my doctor is out of town and the nurse thinks she is booked through May 14th. And I think I can't wait that long!

Kid in a Candy Shop...that's how I feel sometimes. So many choices of what I "want." And the candy shopowner says "Which ONE do you want?" God, I "want" the best doctors. God, I "want" all the cancer to be ripped out of my body. God, I "want" friends to walk with me through this. God, I "want" to know the best plan to take care of my body. God, I "want" good news. So, I vacillate among my wants and it produces no inner peace if the wants are not met. I keep thinking about Francis Schaeffer's comment when his body was ridden with cancer and someone inquired about whether God was healing him. He responded that it was entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of God----I'm remembering that quote from reading "How Should We Then Live" in 1975 so I may have it wrong. Thirty four years I've held that quote in my memory bank. The key word is "DEMAND." God is not my Shopowner. God is not my Butler. God is not my Santa Claus. He's the Great "I AM." I am your peace. I am your joy. Way down deep, HE is stirring in me a deeper inner Joy, a deeper inner Peace----not based on my circumstances....not based on when the news is good, when the news is bad. And YES, we can ask HIM for anything. Lay all my requests on His Lap. Lay my head on that empty chair next to me. HE is here. HE is bending His ear. Oh my soul, don't linger on the list of wants, but find the Great I AM in the midst of this. Don't try to figure it all out. Move forward, oh my soul, to find that inner peace, inner joy that isn't ruffled by the news of the day. He Himself is our Peace. Ephesians 2:14.

Hamster in a Cage...Know how sometimes they just run around in circles? I'm trying to put together 9 doctors in one week on my cancer team. Some don't return your calls. Some look at you like you are crazy. I cross them off the list. I get down and pray some more that God leads me to the right ones. When I walked into the office of the medical oncologist on Monday, I was the first appointment of the day. There were 60 empty chairs on the 1st floor and 60 empty chairs on the 2nd floor. I wept over the stories that would sit in those soon-to-be-filled chairs that day. I had no idea so many people wrestle with cancer. No IDEA. I walked around touching the empty chairs and praying for HOPE to come through their veins, their minds, their hearts. And my mind raced ahead to the day that I will sit there waiting for my treatment of radiation or chemo wrestling not with cancer but wrestling with my beautiful God Who will carry me through as I face futile moments. The only real futility in life is a day without God. Futility may increase but His Joy will increase too. Chaos may come but His Peace will pervade---and a verse comes to mind Heb 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE (future) we profess, for HE Who promised is faithful (just look at the past). I'll continue to move toward God and move toward those who are "missing" my heart and offer love. People have some really strange explanations of why we suffer and say some crazy things. We want to protect God's reputation---how ludicrous. Jesus Himself grappled with the agony of this life and how people treated him. But when we move toward Him and away from being in control and fixing our problems and solving every dilemma, then we move into LIGHT. I refuse to stay in the hamster trail even though the move ahead may be lonely.

So I'm still scared to pieces over here. And HE keeps sending people and verses and things to say "Fear Not." A siesta blogger from Houston drove to see me yesterday to bring me a homemade quiche and hope and courage. Guess Which Siesta? I'll blog about it next time as this is way too long. I can't thank you enough for all your cards and texts and e-mails and comments. God is using you to carry me through this. I am having to work full-time so I can't respond to every call, every message but I hear them and hold them close to my heavy heart. Can I ask you to pray two things for me?

1. Isaiah 40:2 that HE raise up my valleys (still can't sleep at night) and make my mountains low (still terrified of anesthesia) that HE may be glorified!

2. James 4:8 that I draw near to God and HE draws near to me. What do I want more than drawing near to my beautiful God? Do I want to be healed more than drawing near to HIM? Do I want what I want when I want it? May I want nothing more than drawing near to God.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

2009-04-16T20:41:00.003-06:00

Desperate for prayer this Thursday evening. Been dealing with crashing waves of overwhelming fear of the unknown. It's the evening watch that is getting to me. Nighttime terrors. I have no words to say how much your prayers have meant to me. I have no words to say how much your words sink deep into places in my heart and make me wrestle with the beautiful God I so worship.

TWO PRAYERS REQUESTS:

1.) MAY OUR PRAYERS MOVE THE HANDS OF GOD. Could God change HIS mind about this cancer stuff? Pray 2 Chron 33:12,13 - "And when Manasseh was in distress, he entreated the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before God. He prayed to HIM and God was moved by His prayer and heard his plea and brought him back. Would you pray that God bring me back to health again? I wonder if our prayers might change His mind? And I accept whatever way that HE will do just that. Human agents. Miraculous intervention.

2.) MAY GOD MAKE MY OFFERING GO REALLY FAR.....FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH - John 6:9. I have little to give to my Beautiful God. I can't even surrender right in my terror. Can't stop the panic attacks. My first procedure to prepare for surgery starts tomorrow and I am paralyzed in fear. I'm having a PET Scan and while it may be uneventful for most, I embrace overwhelming fear. Pray that the smallness of what I offer to my good God----pray HE will make it go so far.5:00 am this morning I was awakened in terror. Landed on the floor. Crying out to the beautiful God I so love. Waves of fear washed over me as I lay fainting. Seems so surreal that sweet slumber is stolen and traded for conscious chaos. I forced myself off the floor back into the bed and surrendered, trying to be still in a body that's not cooperating with me....but there was peace that moment (wondered if anyone was praying) and I fell back asleep. Night terrors.

The phone call came in another hour to substitute teach. "Would you give me the strength to do it today, God?" Yes... and I bounded out the bed and so loved every minute of looking into faces of beautiful teens who are searching for their God and finding HIM so real. One student today told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend whom he really liked cause it was interrupting his relationship with his God. I love being with these kids. A few of my son's friends knew I had cancer and privately expressed overwhelming love to me. It was a day of real joy for me.I had a moment of panic after lunch and I slipped into the bathroom to pray and there lay a hymnal on the counter. I opened it straight to the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead" and the tears fell as a balm of peace literally poured over me, Jeremiah 8:22. Yes, there's a balm for the wounded soul. God knows my frame and the machine I've had to drive through this life. He's looking for my faith---and maybe my fledgling faith may be expressed a little different than your strong sure faith. Let me borrow a little from you.

When I went to leave school, overwhelming fears washed over me again, and I walked around the block straight into a secret garden I'd never seen before. Pristine and fragranced and intriguing, I lingered in the garden cause HE brought me there while fresh fallen rain shined on the roses. And I thought of a song from our childhood that Blair and I would sing when she was a preschooler---I went to the garden to pray...and the VOICE I hear falling on my ears, the Son of God....He was there. I could smell Him.

Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will smooth out the sheets on a bed in a doctor's office on Mo-Pac. I'll invite my beautiful God to sit right there with me. I'll be alone with HIM for a few hours. No one can come in the room with me because of the radioactivity. The procedure is a PET (positron emission tomography) Scan which scans your body for the cancerous tumors and gives the surgeon a map for my upcoming surgery. It will confirm lumpectomy or mastectomy. I'll actually have a PET Scan--- the mammography instead of the full tomography. My surgeon has been the only one in the state that has had the PET Scan. Please pray that I can make it through this scary procedure for me without bolting. It will be through IV that they will inject radioactive compounds called a radiotracer into the cancerous tissue which will absorb and accumulate the tissue faster than healthy tissue----there will be the snapshot of the bad cellular activity on both breasts. PEM reveals size, shape, and location of cancer and it is 90% accurate. I am petrified to inject radioactive compounds into me---just my fears. They say there is not much to it----easy for them to say, ha! You just have to exit their office real quick by the back stairs cause you are RADIOACTIVE for 5 hours and don't stop to talk to women and children...and, uh oh, my blood pressure started rising---you mean I am radioactive? Yes. So you know what to pray ISAIAH 46:10 that I will lie still and be still for the hour by myself in the room with compound injected in me. My radioactive body cannot have anyone holding my hand. My fear is being alone in that room. But no, I'm not alone. So, pray I really know the ONE Who will be right there with me holding my hand! God is going to get me through this!

7:45 AM is IV injection on Friday April 17th. Whew!

Cannot thank you enough for walking through this journey with me. This is humbling for me to admit my weakness. But it's a beautiful God Who meets me in my weakness not in my strengths. You may be bothered because I admitted my fears. You may be bothered because I am having a PET scan to pursue surgery. I have to do what I believe my God is leading me to do. Five loaves and two fish in my hands this night. Not much. May HE make it go very far to feed many through all of us.

Birdseed for Breakfast

2009-04-13T09:04:00.006-06:00

I'll remember this glorious Easter for the rest of my life. Cancer diagnosis. Hands held high singing "Jesus Paid It All" and tears streaming down.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness,
WATCH and PRAY,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Here's two prayer requests:

I have very little strength within me to walk this road of cancer. I read Saturday on Beth's blog the quote from Melissa that means so much to me: "He knows it is scary to be me." I have been diagnosed with two different breast cancers and one is an aggressive, invasive one that goes into the bloodstream. Invasive ductal carcinoma. IDC. Don't know the stage or size yet. I do know that I also have Stage 1 DCIS Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. I've learned more in the past 72 hours about cancer than I ever wanted to know. It's overwhelming. You are your own manager of your care pulling together a team of doctors: breast surgeon, oncologist, radiologist oncologist, plastic surgeon (I'm a keloid former) and the list goes on. I'm in a new city, unfamiliar to the Austin medical world. Very familiar to the Great Physician though. I've talked at length with several survivors of breast cancer this weekend. Again, that's overwhelming. I'm on info overload but I am also ignorant in many ways of what this battle involves. All I can do is trust my good God to direct my steps. The battle is His. This morning I read in Psalm 62:11 God spoke one thing but I heard two things: HE is strong. HE is loving. That's what I keep hearing over and over in the cyclone of the past 72 hours. HE will meet me in my weakness. It's not about my strength in being an overcomer, a survivor---it's all about HIS Strength being perfected in weakness. I am so weak this morning. That's a good place to be.

So, my prayer requests for this Monday morning is twofold if God leads you to pray for me:
1. PRAY FOR A TEAM OF DOCTORS (Psalm 1---not the counsel of the wicked but delight in the law of the LORD). Pray for God to lead me to the team of physicians that would be best for me. I am going for second opinions on surgeons---I want to find a surgeon that only does breast surgery. When I learned that my surgeon does gallbladders, I just have to see if God will direct me to one who is only looking at cancer cells all day long.
2. PRAY FOR MY BODY TO BE ABLE TO SURRENDER TO SWEET SLEEP EACH NIGHT (Psalm 92:2). Pray 2Kings 6: 16, 17 that God would open my eyes to see that my beautiful God, my suffering Savior, and comforting Holy Spirit and His host of angels are greater within me than ALL that surrounds me. I need to be able to sleep at night and that's my battle.

I have had waves of debilitating panic come over me this weekend that I cannot even explain. I absolutely refuse to synchronize with anything that is not of my beautiful God Who loves me so. But how do I stop the panic? Friday morning I was awakened with fainting spells, vasovagal syncope. A familiar condition to me. Fainting happens to me in the middle of the night when I haven't been sleeping and/or eating right and am under stress and pain---I am awakened and begin fainting. It is so scary and when I am unconscious and wake up---it feels like I am dying. I spent Friday physically feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck the entire day. It happened again Sunday afternoon as I slipped into depression. Three years ago when we went through a crisis, the fainting started happening all the time and I spiraled into a very deep depression. I am not willing to go there if I can do anything to help on my part by diet and sleeping right and letting God help me deal with this overwhelming stress of the unknown and what is known. We don't know the size of the tumor. Don't know the stage---it's an aggressive invasive type that goes to the bloodstream. Don't know the margins.

So, I'm walking two hours every day. Cancer does not live in oxygenated cells (I read that quote in Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" which I read when it first came out---and it stuck with me.) When I heard cancer, I knew I also needed to start eating right....no sugars, no fast food, no red meats, no artificial stuff, organic and lots of water. That's about all I can handle for right now. I just ate a bowl of boiled oats for breakfast with flaxseed and remarked to Bob: "You put way too much of this bird seed stuff in this---gag." I'll learn how to do this. Cancer feeds on sugar. In the past six months, I have CRAVED sugar for the first time in my life...I know why now.

We are still new to the Austin area but have been embraced by our awesome church body even in this news. It will be best for me to post on this blog, when I can, to ask those of you who want to help me through prayer and those of you who truly want to know about how I am doing---not to judge me but to walk alongside of me as a fellow struggler in life. I just won't be able to return all the e-mail's and texts and comments. In some ways I am by myself in dealing with this. I am open to friends calling and helping me---it will be hard for me to find you but you know where I am. If what I say bothers you, then don't read my blog. This is who I am. Maybe I am wrong in some of the things I write, I don't know. I am trying to find my beautiful God in the midst of my fears. I will listen to my loving LORD. I just know that I love my beautiful God with all my heart and am desperate for Him and His Glory in my life. We are connected to a lot of people and I don't know how else to do this. I have had over 100 phone calls and e-mail's and haven't been able to answer them all. Keep trying if you need to get to me. I was simply overwhelmed in gratitude with the response on my last post. Your comments meant so much to me and I will read them again and again. I had no idea so many people would respond and your words sink in my mind, my thoughts, my heart into deep parts! Psalm 51:6

After our Easter service yesterday, I felt led, actually really compelled, to go to Austin Stone Church. I'm listening to every prompting God says to me! The service ended with "cardboard testimonies" (google "cardboard testimony" if you've never seen it done---it's on Tangle.com, originating from Willow Creek). One breast cancer survivor spoke on this "cardboard testimony" video about being broken and her oncologist was on the video with her. I'm going to check him out. Never imagined that I'd find a doctor referral at an Easter service.

I am terrified at taking medicine, anesthesia, MRI's, surgery---again, if you think I am wrong in saying that, you certainly can tell me, but please be gentle with me---I'm a bruised and brutally honest person and your faith takes you so far. This is all about relationship with the ONE I adore---no fixes. The answer is not about slapping a Scripture verse on my problems. Nor is it about being positive and shoving everything down. I am going to wrestle and find the beautiful God I so love that seems so distant at times even in this, a very dark night of my soul and it's only been 72 hours. It's okay. He's a good God in all my horror, and He's not safe. But, this I know: Psalm 62:11 He is strong in all my weakness and fears and failures. He is loving. He's here. I deeply appreciate your prayers for me if God leads you that way.

WATCH and PRAY with me.
Find in HIM our all in all.